In A Universe Without Stars 1: Skyeater

by J Alex McCarthy

  “Why are we here?”

  “Just going for a walk.”

  Cole is getting annoyed at Julio but he wants to help him, so he’ll let his annoyances slide. Julio walks ahead. Cole never knew there was a forest like this in the area.

  Everything is so vibrant and full of life, everything has a sort of photorealistic feel to it. But he doesn’t feel the normal dirtiness he would usually get in a forest. Maybe he should’ve came here more often.

  Julio is way ahead of him, Cole runs up to catch up to him.

  They travel through the trees, through the thicket, Cole follows Julio over streams, through the puddles, through the amazing wonderment of a place barely touched by humanity.

  They go on for what seems like miles until they come upon a giant fallen tree. It leans on a large moss covered rock wall, it leads up to a small opening in the wall.

  Cole looks at the tree as Julio climbs up it, Cole pants, he’s covered in sweat, but he treks on, he didn’t come this far to stop now. Julio goes inside the cave.

  “Come on!” his yells echoes out. Cole climbs on and hikes up.

  In the cave, Cole walks alone. It’s a dark one way tunnel, a small stream leads him up to an opening only a couple of hundred feet in front of him. The opening is shining too bright to see where it leads.

  “Julio!” He clutches his ears as his yell vibrates down the small cave.

  “Down here!” He’s at the opening. Cole runs down the tunnel, footsteps splashing in the water. The opening outlines Julio’s silhouette as he approaches.

  “About time,” Julio says as Cole came to a stop. The opening is only a few meters in front of them. Julio just stares out the opening, but Cole can’t see what it leads to because of the darkness of the cave.

  “I used to come to this forest all the time when I was younger, to escape my problems, to escape my life, to leave this world behind me. I haven’t been here in years.”

  Julio leads Cole to the opening.

  “Because I’ve found this,” he says as he walks into the opening.

  Cole shields his eyes as he walks through the light. His eyes finally adjust, he looks around.

  It’s just a waterfall. He can see out over the treetops and see the mountains in the distance.

  The waterfall drops into a small pool of water fifty feet down.

  That’s it.

  What’s so special about this?

  “I found a way to finally escape my problems. A way to go away to where nobody would find me and never come back. A way to escape the pain once and for all. I was going to kill myself.”

  Cole bores over the edge, he sees nothing special, nothing life changing about it.

  “That was until I closed my eyes, lingering over the edge of life and death, that I finally found a reason.”

  He pauses as Cole looks over. Cole turns and looks at him.

  “A reason for what?” Cole asks.

  “A reason to live.”

  Cole sees no reason here, just a potential photo op for the national geographic channel.

  “It’s a mind thing,” Julio says taping his head.

  “What?”

  “This fall makes you think of the reasons worth living for. It’s different from when you point a gun to your head, you have no chances for second thoughts, no lingering emotions. With a snap of the trigger it’s over, it’s too instant,” Julio says as he walks to the edge.

  “With this, you can see the three seconds it’s going to take for you to hit the water, three seconds where you can figure out if this world is for you or not. Three seconds is enough to change your mind.”

  “So after I jump I will change my mind? You must not know how much I really want to do it.”

  “No. The fall will kill you.”

  Cole twitches back.

  “Now what I want you to do it go over to the ledge and close your eyes for a second, and stand there on the fridge of death, which should be enough to get your mind racing, if then you cannot find a reason, something in your life to live for, hope for, then just let go of everything and drop. It will kill you.”

  Cole looks at the edge and creeps toward it. He stops and closes his eyes.

  There has been so many times when he almost pulled the trigger.

  He just stands there.

  He feels nothing.

  This is bullshit, Julio is a fucking liar. He feels no second thoughts, or sudden rush of emotion. He feels…Nothing.

  I’m sorry.

  He spreads out his arms and falls off the edge head first.

  Everything slows down as he falls. I’m sorry. Words he’s never uttered to himself.

  Why is he only thinking of that statement?

  I’m sorry. Why is it making him hesitate? He’s already taken the leap, so why is he sorry?

  Sorry for what?

  He’s sorry for letting down his mother.

  It all flashes before him, eyes still close as he slowly falls to his end. He flashes to memories of himself walking down the street with his mother.

  I’m sorry for failing you.

  He flashes to a memory of himself hanging out with his squad mates at a bar. Julio danced on the bar, the bartender yelled at him while Cole and the rest of his mates cheered him on.

  I’m sorry for being so fucking useless.

  I’m sorry for letting you die.

  Another flash.

  His mother kneeling in front of him, he’s a kid again. They are in front of their old janky house. Her hands lie on his beaten-up face, he was crying.

  “I’m sorry I’m worthless,” he said. He held shards of house ornaments in his hands. “I tried to stop them.” He cried louder.

  “Shh-, it’s okay, never feel sorry for trying your best. Never apologize for yourself or anybody else,” she said. She kissed his head. “Only hold yourself accountable for yourself.”

  “But I—“

  “You are not useless, Cole. You can do anything you want, if you fail once, try over and over again, until you can do it. As long as you try, no matter how many times you fail, everything will be alright. The only thing that matters is that you tried.”

  She removed the shards out of his hands and gave him a big hug. His tears waned.

  She was wrong, it isn’t the only thing that matters, but if he fails he’ll try again.

  Another flash.

  Kid Cole punched a punching bag in the basement. He punched it over and over again until he finally looked down at his hands, they’re red and bloodied. He clutched them and punched the bag again.

  If I fail, try again.

  Another flash.

  This time later in Cole’s life. He sparred in an air force barrack against a fellow soldier. Soldiers surrounded the blue mat cheering him on. He sparred hard and heavy until his opponent flipped him on his back and pinned him.

  Try again.

  Cole reversed it and pinned him until he tapped out. This was the first time he’s won a major match. When he finally succeeded it was the best feeling he’s ever felt.

  Cole can feel this journey coming to an end, Jahum has found what he needed.

  Another flash.

  This time Cole ran up a mountain trail on a hot summer day. He’s wearing grey shirt and shorts, they’re drenched in sweat but he didn’t care.

  He came up to the edge of the trail and looked out. It’s the most alive he’s ever felt. He wanted that feeling again. When he pushed himself, nobody could stop him.

  He glanced back down the path, the way he came. Others ran up, other soldiers training.

  I’m sorry mother, for not being strong enough to save you.

  I’m sorry I wasn’t pushing myself hard enough.

  I promise I will be strong enough next time.

  He breathed in and out. A PT commander ran up. “Get back in formation Lieutenant Reyes,” he said. Cole looked off one more time off the trail as he ran back into formation.

  A final flash.

  Cole opens his eyes as he
hits the water. He sinks down to the bottom, he’s back at the waterfall.

  So it didn’t kill him.

  For once he’s actually glad.

  In a splash he pops out of the water. Julio looks over the edge of the fall.

  “I thought you said it was going to kill me!” Cole yells.

  “Well aren’t you glad it didn’t?” he yells back.

  It’s only a few moments later. Both Cole and Julio sit on the edge of the pool, mud and dirt cake their clothes. Cole stretches out his arms and looks at the callouses on his hand.

  “Thanks. Julio,” Cole says. Julio just nods. They sit there in silence, taking in the surroundings.

  “So what’s your story?” Cole asks.

  “It really doesn’t matter, now does it?”

  It’s the end of the day, Cole sits alone in a booth in a dinner car. He still wears the same dirty clothes he had on with Julio. A girl sits in the booth in front of him.

  Thora.

  She glances over at him and smiles. She gets up and sits in the seat in front of him.

  “I love a man in uniform,” she says, extremely forward.

  “I’m not a soldier anymore.”

  How did she know that anyway?

  “Well, I love a man who used to be in uniform.”

  Cole doesn’t answer.

  “Come on, guy, talk to me! In the last four years, I’ve watched you come to the same diner as I have and we’ve never talked or anything.”

  It’s odd Cole never noticed her, he must have been in his own world.

  “So?”

  “So? I thought that a good looking guy like you was gone for good when you disappeared for a few months.”

  “I don’t even know your name.”

  “It’s Thora.” She puts out her hand. “What’s yours?”

  “Cole.” He awkwardly shakes her hand. She clutches it and doesn’t let go.

  “You look down.”

  He shrugs.

  “Well, Cole, today I’m feeling a little down too so…”

  She gets up and pulls him up.

  “You’re going to take me on a date.”

  “What?”

  “I’m not taking no for an answer.”

  She pulls him toward the door.

  “Wait!”

  Cole opens his eyes. He floats in darkness.

  What just happened? It feels like someone just fucked his mind. He tries to look at his hands but all he sees is darkness.

  What in the hell did Jahum do to him?

  Thousands of small dots of light start to spark in the darkness.

  Stars.

  More start to appear around him.

  Billions of stars, billions of solutions, billions of questions.

  Cole looks around, more and more stars appear, it’s too much to comprehend but somehow Cole does.

  One of them is the answer, every single one of them is a possibility. Choose one.

  Cole’s gaze focuses on one star in particular. One star out of trillions.

  “How can I choose?”

  How can Jahum expect him to choose an ‘answer’ out of trillions? For some reason he feels like he already knows the answer.

  The star he focuses on gets bigger, as if it’s floating toward him.

  Your choice is already predetermined in this universe.

  The star gets bigger and bigger, its light somehow not illuminating the darkness around him.

  An imperfect universe is what created many as gods. With so many gods creating so many laws. There is bound to be conflict.

  Cole can feel something from the star approaching him, it doesn’t get any bigger. It comes within range and hovers as a small ball of light. It felt bigger farther away. It’s no more than a foot in diameter.

  I plan to stop the violence and pain caused by these so called gods. Through you and the other chosen. To stop the mistakes I’ve chosen in the past and the answers I believed in. Titans, titans were beings who challenged the gods.

  The chosen are the titans, equals to the gods.

  The small ball flashes in front of Cole, a crack appears on its shell.

  So many people worship so many gods. How can anyone tell who is the true shepherd to stop the universe from being engulfed by the blackness of the perfect?

  The light flashes again.

  Why were we born in this universe when there are an infinite amount of other perfect universes where a version of ourselves could exist?

  The stars around them flicker out, disappearing one by one. Only leaving the small ball of light in front of Cole.

  The answer is different for everybody. Based on what you are looking for, what answers you want and what you believe in.

  The light flickers again, Cole stares deep into it, somehow not getting blinded by the brightness. His body starts to materialize. A swirl of dust comes from the light in front of him.

  Forming his arms, legs, torso, and head. He’s whole again. There is a strange blue glow to him.

  When you find the answer, what will drive you to continue forward? When the universe threatens to consume us all?

  He stretches out his hand toward the light. He doesn’t know why but he’s drawn toward it. Maybe it’s the answer he was looking.

  But what was the question?

  He stretches out farther, closer to touch it and-

  The light suddenly flashes and zaps off his hand. It dissipates in a blue puff. He would yell but he doesn’t feel any pain.

  The light disappears.

  All the lights around him flicker away except one, illuminating the black hole appearing in front of him. “Noooo!” he screams, he tries to get away but he just floats there, unable to stop the black from consuming him.

  There is nothing.

  Cole floats in nothingness, naked and alone. His skin gives off a slight blue haze.

  He feels nothing.

  He is nothing.

  “I feel nothing,” he says. His mouth doesn’t move but his voice echoes out in this nothingness.

  The blackest of blacks surround him, true nothing. No air, no atoms, no matter, nothing exist. He shouldn’t exist. His eyes are closed as if he’s in an eternal sleep. Floating like he’s drifting in the currents of an everlasting ocean.

  “I always felt bad about my problems, that there were others who had it worse than me. That my problems weren’t anything, just something I could overcome, but I can’t.”

  If you had the power to stop the pain. What would you do?

  “The only way to stop the pain is to end it.”

  Sparkles of light appear around him. They start to move parallel to his body. They streak the nothingness as if he falls toward nothing.

  “I’m so tired. I just want to sleep…”

  His speech slows down to a slur. The lights pulsating with his every word.

  “To not exist.”

  This feels peaceful to him, it feels right.

  “These stars can save me. But why does it matter?”

  Parts of him slowly starts to break of into a mist and fade into the stars streaking around him. His hands are the first to break apart. But his whole body starts to mist out, drifting into the stars around him.

  He’s fading away.

  He doesn’t feel any pain, nor does he care. It just feels right to him.

  “Nothing matters,” he says as his final thought.

  Silence and emptiness are the only things that encompasse him.

  His senses are gone to the world around him.

  Goodbye world.

  A bright white hand appears from the nothingness; it rips through the lights and grabs his arm. The stars are blown away from around him.

  Blackness.

  Cole’s eyes fling open, he floats in the darkness. Is this space? He glides gingerly in the fetal position. Not a single piece of clothing on his back.

  Where is he?

  Is he dead?

  It’s the first coherent thought he’s had in a while. He suddenly re
members what’s happening. Earth is under attack. But his face doesn’t change and he doesn’t move from the position.

  He doesn’t know why, but he just doesn’t want to move or do anything.

  “Why do you look so lonely when you are one with the stars?” The voice is familiar.

  It’s his. Another Cole looks in front of him.

  NegaCole.

  It looks just like him, but it’s not. His voice is exactly same but there is something different about it.

  Its affliction.

  All around him, stars and galaxies twinkle alive one by one, coming to life from the darkness. The stars around him are close but they’re still too far away to feel their embrace.

  NegaCole stretches out his hand toward him. Clothes materialize onto Cole. Appearing from the darkness and wrapping around him as if he’s being attack by a horde of clothe made birds.

  This doesn’t feel right.

  “Something is missing but…I…” Cole says.

  What’s missing?

  “Does that mean you are not going to answer my question?” NegaCole says.

  “To what?” Cole asks.

  Cole straightens out of the fetal position as NegaCole floats in front of him. He gets a good look at his clothes. Blue tights, the uniform of the chosen. A titan.

  “What will you do when you find your answer? The answer for everything.”

  Cole doesn’t know. He doesn’t really even know what the question is. It feels like he’s just woken up from a long nap.

  “What will push you forward when, you, like most others, fulfill your purpose in this world and find the answers for life,” NegaCole says, his voice starts to sound deeper.

  Who is this man really?

  “That you have nothing else to live for except for that answer, driving you mad, insane, VOILENT. Making you want to caress the sweet outskirts of the embrace of death.”

  There is a spark in NegaCole’s eyes.

  “What should you do it for?” he asks.

  “I don’t know.”

  “You do know! Some would say for the human race, most would say your world but NO.” He doesn’t yell, but he says it with such intensity.

  “I do it to protect others.”

  “No, that isn’t enough. It’s too simple, feeble—A LIE!” NegaCole says as he suddenly flashes into Jahum and then back to NegaCole.

  “Will you do it for your right to feel and the right to leave them behind? The right to save the world that you love so much, but takes so much to live in.”