Mad About You

by Sinéad Moriarty

  I’d had no idea about Mandy until I’d caught James flirting with her. He could have met someone new at work. He could be flirting with someone all day long. I’d have to look into it further. I’d have to be more vigilant. I didn’t want to end up on my own in London with two kids after James had left me for some hot London babe.

  I examined all the people around him, looking for suspects, but they were all male.

  ‘I’m bored, Mummy,’ Lara complained.

  Dad clapped a hand to his forehead. ‘Tell me she’s not going to complain for the next eighty minutes!’

  ‘She’s three, Dad, give her a break.’ I was fed up with Dad bossing us around. He was a nightmare to go to matches with. He got completely wound up and spent the entire time shouting at the players.

  ‘Here, take my phone. I’ve got some cool games on it.’ Babs quickly deleted some messages and handed Lara her mobile.

  ‘I want to play!’ Yuri grabbed the phone. Lara let out a blood-curdling shriek.

  ‘Jesus Christ!’ Dad exclaimed.

  Babs grabbed her phone back. ‘Hey, Stumpy, take it easy. And you, Miss, stop trying to burst everyone’s eardrums. You can take it in turns to play. But if you fight, I’ll make you be my slaves for a week. You’ll have to clean and wash all day long. But if you’re good, I’ll buy you crisps at half-time.’

  They immediately stopped fighting and began to play on the phone together.

  Mum and Dad were looking at the match programme, so I took the opportunity to have a quiet word with Babs. I’d been dying to talk to her since she’d arrived. ‘Have you been on to Gary?’ I whispered.

  Babs gritted her teeth. ‘He gets back tomorrow – I told you already.’

  ‘When are you meeting him?’

  ‘I don’t know. I’ll see him in work on Monday and make an arrangement.’

  ‘How are you feeling?’

  ‘Fine.’

  ‘Are you worried about telling him?’

  ‘Jesus, Emma, Mum and Dad are beside us! I’m not getting into this now. Drop it.’

  Her earlier good mood had evaporated and I could see the tension in her body again. I wished she could talk to me without clamming up. James was right: this really wasn’t going to end well. I looked down at my husband again, then decided to ask Babs about the texts. It would distract us from Gary and, since Mum had planted that seed of doubt, I badly needed to talk to someone about it. I was hoping Babs would tell me that Mum’s theory was ridiculous.

  ‘Have you ever got texts from people saying they fancy you and stuff like that?’ I asked.

  Babs looked at me as if I was mad. ‘I think you’re talking about sextexts and, yes, of course I have. Millions of them. I send loads, too. Welcome to the twenty-first century, Emma. It’s a bit more advanced than when you were dating. People don’t write letters with feathers any more and send them by pigeon.’

  I chose to ignore the sarcasm. ‘But do you always know the people who send you the messages?’

  ‘Of course I do. I don’t give my number out to strangers. I have to protect myself from psycho fans.’

  ‘OK. Have you ever received a text from a number you didn’t recognize?’

  Babs nodded. ‘Yeah, a few from crazy fans. But rarely.’

  ‘What kind of things would they say?’

  ‘The usual stuff – “You’re so hot, I want to screw you”, blah blah blah.’

  ‘What did you do?’

  ‘I ignored them.’

  ‘Did they stop?’

  Babs popped a mint into her mouth. ‘Some went on for a few weeks, but got bored when they got no reaction. Why are you so interested all of a sudden? Are you trying to spice up your marriage by sending sextexts to James?’

  I chewed my lower lip. ‘No. James has been getting texts from an unknown number.’

  Babs let out a whoop. ‘James! Come on, Emma, it’s obviously one of the rugby guys winding him up.’

  ‘That’s what I thought too, but then Mum said she thought it was suspicious. She reckons the players wouldn’t mess around with the coach.’

  ‘What did the texts say?’ Babs was curious.

  ‘Stuff like “I fancy you” and “You’ve got a great arse.”’

  Babs rolled her eyes. ‘That sounds so lame. James works all day with a bunch of testosterone-fuelled young men. I guarantee you it’s one of them winding him up.’

  I frowned. ‘It’s kind of an odd trick to play on your boss, though, especially if you want to get picked for the team.’

  ‘Half those guys have been concussed so many times their brains are fried. Mum always goes for the dramatic or the negative, you know that. She shouldn’t have suggested it to you. He works in a business where practical jokes are the norm – he’s the new guy so he’s fair game.’

  I began to calm down. She was probably right. It must have been the players messing about.

  ‘Besides,’ Babs continued, ‘James isn’t the type to have an affair. He’s too boring and conservative.’

  ‘Thank God for that!’ I said, and we smiled at each other.

  When the final whistle blew the score was twelve-three to London Irish and the home crowd went wild. They sang and cheered and gave the players a standing ovation. The mood was electric – even Yuri and Lara got caught up in it. They jumped up and down like maniacs – although a large part of that was due to sugar overload.

  After the match, I sent James a text saying I was proud of him and that we had all come to support him. He sent one back saying he was thrilled we’d been there and he was so relieved about the win. We arranged to meet in the clubhouse and head home together.

  When we got back to Putney, I found a package, addressed to me, on the doorstep. I didn’t remember ordering anything. ‘Did you buy me something?’ I asked James.

  He shook his head. ‘Sorry, darling, no.’

  I shook the parcel. Something rattled inside. Maybe it was a present from Lucy, or my other friend Jess back in Dublin. I was dying to open it.

  While everyone took off their coats and went into the kitchen, I got a pair of scissors from a kitchen drawer and opened the package. Inside, something was heavily bound in bubble wrap.

  ‘Hurry, Mummy, open it. I want to see the present,’ Lara said.

  When I finally cut through the Sellotape, a box fell out onto the floor. It was pink and had ‘RAMPANT RABBIT’ written down the side. What the hell? As Lara reached to grab it, I tried to stuff it back into the box, but the bottom was ripped and the object fell onto the floor. Lara picked it up and put it on the table.

  ‘What is it?’ she asked.

  I was speechless. I tried desperately to think of an appropriate answer to fob her off.

  ‘It looks like an alien,’ Yuri said, scrunching his nose up.

  ‘Is it one of those little Hoovers for the car?’ Mum asked.

  Dad took out his handkerchief and began to blow his nose furiously.

  Babs looked up from her phone and burst out laughing. ‘Emma, you dirtbag.’

  James, who was making coffee, turned around. ‘What is it, darling?’ Seeing the object now sitting on the kitchen table, he stopped dead in his tracks. ‘What on earth?’ He looked at me. ‘Emma?’

  ‘I did not order this,’ I hissed.

  I grabbed it and began to stuff it back into the bubble wrap. Dad’s face was now purple.

  ‘Don’t hold it in, Dad. Let it out.’ Babs giggled as Dad began to shake with laughter.

  Mum grabbed it. ‘What has you all laughing?’ She examined it.

  ‘Mum!’ I tried to snatch it back.

  ‘I want a go!’ Lara reached for it, but her grandmother held it at arm’s length, frowning as she examined it.

  ‘Let me have that.’ James tried to take it out of Mum’s hand, but she held firm.

  ‘Dan?’ Mum eyeballed her husband, waving the Rabbit about. ‘What is it?’

  Dad shook his head, unable to speak.

  ‘It’s a Rampant Rabbit,’ Ba
bs told her.

  ‘BABS!’ I shouted.

  ‘What’s so funny about that?’ Mum asked.

  ‘It’s a vibrator,’ Babs informed her.

  My face was hot and I could feel tears forming behind my eyes. This was just unbelievable. I didn’t know what to do.

  ‘Christ,’ James cursed.

  Mum gasped and dropped it. The Rabbit hit the floor with a thud and began to vibrate. Yuri and Lara squealed with delight and tried to pick it up.

  I lunged, seized it and stuffed it back into the box, still vibrating. I was trying not to cry. What the hell was going on?

  ‘I’m speechless.’ Mum was shocked.

  ‘Well, there’s a first time for everything,’ Dad said, as he wiped the tears from his eyes.

  ‘I’m dreadfully sorry. I can’t apologize enough. It’s … I …’ James struggled to explain the mortifying incident.

  ‘The children will be traumatized,’ Mum muttered.

  ‘No, they won’t. It’s just a toy to them,’ Babs said.

  ‘I want to play with the shaky rabbit,’ Lara whinged.

  ‘You are not to go near that dirty thing,’ Mum warned her grandchildren. ‘Do you hear me? NEVER!’

  The children’s eyes widened, and they nodded their little heads.

  ‘Now you see how scary Granny can be,’ Babs said.

  James crouched down. ‘Hey, guys, why don’t you two pop into the lounge and play? I’ll come in and give you a biscuit in a minute.’

  Yuri and Lara reluctantly left the room.

  ‘Who sent it, James?’ Babs grinned at him.

  ‘I did not!’ James spluttered.

  ‘That’s enough. I don’t want to know any more about it.’ Mum went to put the kettle on. Then, turning to Dad, she added, ‘And how do you know about this … thing? Is that what you’re doing all the time on that iPhone? Pornography sites, is it? I’m disgusted.’

  I was still too shocked to speak. I wanted them all to leave. I wanted the floor to swallow me. I picked up the box to hide it under the sink when I noticed a small card. I opened it: You can use this when he leaves you for me. I stood there, staring at it, unable to form a coherent thought.

  Babs read the card over my shoulder. She frowned. ‘Now that’s a step too far,’ she said. ‘This guy needs to be kicked off the team for a few weeks.’

  If it is a guy, I thought.

  James came over to me and grabbed the card. ‘I don’t believe this,’ he said. ‘I’m going to kill whoever sent it.’

  ‘It seems most peculiar that a player would send something so revolting to his coach’s wife on match day. It doesn’t add up to me,’ Mum said, shooting me a meaningful look.

  I hadn’t thought I could feel any worse, but now I did. She was right: something weird was going on.

  Dad stood up. ‘It’s been a very interesting day, but we must be off. Plane to catch. Well done, James, great win. Best of luck with the next game. I’ll be watching.’ Dad kissed me goodbye, then he and Mum walked to the door.

  ‘Hang on, I’ll come with you.’ Babs grabbed her coat and followed them out.

  As Mum hugged me, she said, ‘Be careful, Emma. Something isn’t right about this.’

  I waved them off, feeling confused and embarrassed. The implications of what had just happened were sinking in. Someone had sent me, James’s wife, a vibrator. This person knew our address and my name. Judging by the note, they wanted me out of the picture.

  James and I went through the motions of putting the kids to bed and then, when they were settled, we sat down to talk. Now my mind was clearer. I knew exactly what I wanted to ask and what I needed to know.

  I took a deep breath. ‘James, I’m only going to ask you this once. Are you having an affair?’ My voice trembled.

  James immediately took me in his arms. ‘No! Of course not. Emma, I’m as shocked as you are about all of this. I cannot believe that one of the guys would do such a thing. But I promise you I’ll hunt him down and he’ll be kicked out of the club. There’s no way I’m letting this go.’

  I pulled back from him. ‘James, I really don’t think one of your players would do this unless he has a death wish. I think a woman sent it.’

  ‘Who?’

  ‘You tell me. Have you been flirting with anyone?’

  ‘Emma, I’ve barely had time to breathe since we moved here. I eat, sleep and work. It has to be one of the players. Maybe it was Ken – I dropped him from the team for the game and he was really furious. He has a very high opinion of himself. It could have been his way of getting back at me, although admittedly it does seem very extreme.’

  Maybe it had been Ken. I hoped so. I really hoped it was some stupid prank and not something more sinister or threatening. I decided to trust James and give him the benefit of the doubt. He genuinely seemed as upset as I was.

  ‘Well, you go in there on Monday and sort the guy out. I never, ever want anything sent to this house again. It’s totally out of order.’

  James gently pushed my hair off my face. ‘I promise you I’ll make whoever did this pay for it.’

  James headed for bed early, exhausted from the highs and lows of the day, but I was too agitated to sleep. I decided to call Lucy to run it by her. She always gave really good, measured advice.

  ‘Hi, Emma, I was just thinking about you. I heard London Irish won. Brilliant news,’ Lucy said, when she answered her phone.

  ‘James is thrilled. Listen, Lucy, I –’

  Lucy’s phone began to beep. Another call was coming in.

  ‘Damn! Sorry, Emma, I have to take this – it’s a big client. I’ll call you back.’

  I waited up for an hour, alone on the sofa in the dark, but she never rang.

  18

  I arrived into work on Monday and found Babs waiting to have her makeup done. I began to apply moisturizer while she bit into a croissant. ‘I thought the vibrator was priceless. Did you see Mum’s face? She’ll never get over it.’

  ‘Yeah, it was a real riot for me.’ I rubbed a base coat of foundation into Babs’s cheeks.

  ‘Ouch! There’s no need to scrub my bloody face off,’ she complained.

  ‘Sorry. I’m just really annoyed about what happened and worried that maybe someone fancies James or he’s having an affair or … something.’

  ‘Who would fancy James? He’s so obviously married with kids. He has no sex appeal whatsoever.’

  I stopped mid-application. ‘James has lots of sex appeal. Loads of women think he’s gorgeous, he’s great fun and has a very cool job. He’s not an accountant with thick glasses who watches University Challenge for kicks and thinks a glass of shandy is living on the edge.’

  Babs polished off her croissant. ‘Relax, I’m just saying he’s not exactly a player.’

  I rummaged around for an eye-shadow brush. ‘Of course he isn’t. I wouldn’t have married him if he were. I’ve no interest in being with someone who flirts with other women and makes me feel insecure. I don’t understand relationships like that. What’s the point in being with a man who needs constant attention? You’ll always come second to his ego and you’ll never be able to trust him.’

  As if on cue, Gary stuck his head around the door. ‘Are you nearly ready? We’re all set up now.’

  ‘One minute. I want to look my best today.’ Babs grinned.

  ‘You look good to me.’ Gary winked and left the room.

  ‘I see you haven’t told him yet.’ I brushed on some blusher.

  ‘He’s only just back and I’m hardly going to announce it at work,’ Babs snapped. ‘We’re going for dinner tomorrow and I’ll tell him then.’

  ‘How far along are you now?’ I asked quietly.

  ‘I don’t know exactly – and that’s the last time I want you to ask questions like that here. I mean it.’

  ‘Don’t you feel even a little bit guilty about sleeping with a married man? Do you ever think about his wife and children?’

  Babs shrugged. ‘I’m not marrie
d. He’s the one with the baggage, Emma. He’s the one with the family.’

  ‘I know, but I feel for his wife. I’d die if I found out James was cheating on me with a much younger woman.’

  ‘If he wasn’t sleeping with me, he’d be shagging someone else. It’s not his first time. Gary’s not a great family man who suddenly decided to sleep with someone. He’s got a reputation as a cheat.’

  ‘So why cheapen yourself by being another notch on his bedpost?’

  ‘Keep your voice down,’ Babs hissed. ‘You should have seen the texts he was sending me when he was away. He said the holiday was incredibly boring. I’m not just some other girl. He wants to leave his wife for me. We’ll be amazing together and he can really help me grow my career.’

  I had to clench my fists tightly so I wouldn’t grab her by the shoulders and shake her. ‘And what about the baby? Is it going to slot into your plans?’ I added some bronzer.

  ‘Why not? Look at Angelina Jolie. She has millions of kids and they haven’t held her back.’

  I stared at my sister. Could she really be so stupid and shallow? ‘Babs, I love you, which is why I’m trying to save you from being badly hurt. Listen to me. Gary will not leave his wife for you.’

  Babs laughed. ‘Oh, Emma, you really don’t have a clue. Gary’s mad about me.’

  Karen knocked on the door. ‘We need you on set now, Babs.’

  I applied her lipstick, then Babs got up and stomped out. I watched her go. She seemed completely oblivious to the crash that was coming her way. How could she be so blind? She was usually so strong when it came to men. She had always had men falling over her, but she’d never had a proper relationship. She never allowed anyone in. Not friends or boyfriends. Once a relationship got past about two months and the guy started getting serious, she’d dump him. She was incapable of intimacy. I’d never really understood why. Was it because she had been spoilt? Being so much younger than me and my brother, she had been raised like an only child. Mum and Dad had showered her with attention and, of course, they’d been older and much less strict than they were with us. Babs had had them wrapped around her little finger from the word go and that hadn’t changed.