Mad About You

by Sinéad Moriarty

  ‘All right,’ I said, nodding. ‘You’re probably right. I’ll do that this week.’

  Lucy topped up our glasses. I fiddled with the cocktail napkin. ‘Lucy, be completely honest. Do you think James is shagging someone else and wants to get rid of me, but hasn’t got the balls to do it so he’s asked his mistress to frighten me off?’

  Lucy considered this. ‘Why would he do that?’

  ‘I don’t know. Look, just answer quickly – give me your gut response.’

  Lucy leant back in her chair. ‘OK. It seems to me that James may have flirted or perhaps even slept with someone who unfortunately happens to be really unstable. Now that she realizes he’s actually happily married, she’s annoyed and seeking some kind of perverse revenge.’

  ‘Do you think he did have sex with her?’

  Lucy stared into her glass, then looked up at me again. ‘I’m not sure, but he certainly doesn’t seem to be behaving like a guilty man. You said he’s as fed up and angry as you are, which would suggest he hasn’t been unfaithful. Knowing James, he’d be riddled with guilt if he’d slept with someone else. I think you’d see it all over his face.’

  ‘It’s terrible but I don’t trust him any more. I’m constantly checking his phone and his emails now.’

  Lucy patted my arm. ‘This is just a bump in the road, a glitch.’

  ‘It’s not a bump, Lucy, it’s becoming a crater. I hardly ever see him. We haven’t had sex in weeks because I’m angry and upset. We still have occasional moments of the old us, but they’re increasingly rare. Soon we’ll be too far apart to find our way back again.’

  Lucy tied her hair back in a knot. ‘Marriage is a lot harder than we’re led to believe.’

  ‘Are things still bad with Donal?’

  ‘Extremely.’

  ‘Do you think you can do it, Lucy? Do you think you can be away every week and keep up a happy home life?’ Seeing her face cloud, I added, ‘I’m not judging you, I’m just worried that you’ll become disengaged from Donal and Serge with all the travelling.’

  ‘How many times do I have to say it? I couldn’t turn down this opportunity. The offer was just too good.’

  ‘I know. I understand.’

  ‘I wish Donal did. We had the worst fight ever last week.’

  ‘I’m so sorry. I was really hoping you guys would be able to sort things out.’

  Lucy closed her eyes. ‘He said some pretty low things.’

  ‘Like?’

  ‘Like that I’m not a “normal” woman because I have no maternal instincts and I’d rather be in work than at home. That I’m cold and selfish and don’t give a damn about him or Serge. That I’m a spoilt only child who only cares about herself.’

  ‘He’s just lashing out because he’s scared of losing you,’ I said.

  Lucy shook her head. ‘He’ll lose me if he tries to tie me to the kitchen sink. If I’d turned down this job, I’d never have forgiven him. I know what I’m like. So I took it and now he hates me. You see, Emma, there is no solution. There is no black and white in any marriage. It’s all bloody grey.’

  I poured more wine into our glasses. ‘God, I miss my twenties. I miss rolling out of bed and only having to think about my needs for the day. I miss only worrying about what I want to eat and drink and do. Now, it’s always about the kids or James or bloody psychos who want to steal my husband. It’s as if, somewhere along the way, I became a non-person. I don’t count. What I want is of no interest to anyone in my family. How did that happen?’

  Lucy nodded vigorously. ‘That’s exactly what I’m talking about. Traditionally, women disappear in marriages, and I refuse to do that. If I gave Donal the cold shoulder because he took a promotion, everyone would say I was a thundering bitch. But it’s fine for him to freeze me out because I’m a heartless cow for accepting a better job. There are still different rules for men and women. When a man takes his child to the park, everyone tells him what a great dad he is. If a woman takes her child to the park, it’s expected. Despite all the giant steps towards equality, it’s still a man’s world.’

  I rested my head against the back of my chair. ‘When I married James, I really thought it would be for ever. I never in my wildest dreams would have imagined that we could split up. But now I can see that it’s possible. It’s so frightening.’

  ‘Me too. Because of my parents’ disastrous marriage, I didn’t think I’d ever marry, and then Donal came along and made me want to marry him. I still love him. We used to have such good times, but Serge has changed the dynamic. It’s all about him and not about us any more and I find that really hard. I miss the fun we used to have going out together and just having a really good laugh. I can tell you one thing this new job has made very clear, though – I will never be having another child. As Donal pointed out, I’m not very maternal, so I need to use the little bit I have to focus on Serge. I love him, but I can’t really relate to him.’ Lucy put her hand up to stop me interrupting her. ‘I know what you’re going to say and it’s OK, I know it’ll get better as he gets older. In fact he said, “I dove you, Nunny,” the other day and my cold, hard heart did melt.’

  My eyes filled with tears. The wine was beginning to have an effect. ‘Oh, Lucy, that’s a huge deal. The first time they tell you they love you is really special.’

  She nodded. ‘It was special and I felt really emotional. I gave him a huge hug and then he wiped his snotty nose on my silk blouse and I was really cheesed off. You see, I’m not a nice person. Donal’s right, I’m abnormal.’ Now Lucy’s eyes welled. ‘It was such a huge moment, my little boy telling me he loved me, and then I ruined it by letting the snot bother me. I’m awful.’

  ‘No, you’re not. You’re one of my favourite people in the whole world, and you’ll get better at the mother thing as he gets older. You were never into small kids. Remember when Yuri dribbled all over your suede Prada bag?’

  Lucy smiled. ‘It was a brand-new powder-blue clutch that I’d treated myself to after getting a promotion! I should have known then that children were not for me.’

  I picked up a handful of fancy nuts from the silver bowl on the table and popped them into my mouth. ‘I don’t want to break up with James. I’d hate to be on my own. I’d even forgive him a one-night stand, if that was all it was.’ I was surprised to hear myself say this, but it was true. I’d thought about it a lot, and if he had had a one-night stand that meant nothing and he was really sorry and grovelled at my feet for weeks, I probably would forgive him. I knew how broken and shattered Yuri and Lara would be if we split up. But if he was lying to me and he was having an affair, our marriage would be over.

  ‘You guys won’t break up,’ Lucy said. ‘You’re strong and you’ll get through this, I know you will. Obviously the stalking business is very upsetting – you really need to figure out who the person is and get them locked up, scare them off, run them over in your car or something.’

  I laughed at her gallows humour. ‘I wish we’d never moved. Everything’s gone wrong since we got here.’

  Lucy put down her wine glass. ‘No, it hasn’t. James’s job is going well, and yours is too. The kids are happy and you’ve got a great nanny. London’s a brilliant place to live. I mean, look at us tonight – you don’t get the Blue Bar in Dublin. You’ve just had bad luck with this crazy stalker thing. But that could have happened anywhere.’

  ‘There are eight million people in this city. That’s eight times more than there are in Dublin, which means eight times more nutters.’

  Lucy laughed. ‘There are plenty of nutters in Dublin.’

  I looked at my best friend and thought of the things that were happening to us both that we could never have imagined. ‘Do you think we’ll end up single again?’

  Lucy shrugged. ‘Who knows? But at least we’d have each other.’

  ‘I don’t want to bring up the kids on my own. I’d hate to see James swanning around with some young English rose called Phoebe, while I’m at all the school plays al
one, pretending I don’t mind. And Phoebe will be fun and give the kids sweets, and I’ll be strict and bring them to the dentist and they’ll hate me because I’m bitter and twisted and I hate their father and his stupid girlfriend. And then Phoebe will give birth to a perfect baby boy, in a paddling pool in the kitchen at sunset, and he will be sweet and good and the image of James and sleep all night from the day he’s born. Phoebe and the baby will keep James young and I’ll be wrinkly and fat because I’m misery-eating and I’ll die alone with my two cats.’

  Lucy stared at me, then threw back her head and laughed.

  ‘It’s not funny, Lucy. I can actually see it happening.’

  ‘OK. Well, while you’re doing that, I’ll be a bitter divorcee, working nineteen-hour days. Donal will be with some tall country bumpkin called Kathleen, who wears wellies and fleeces and loves being outdoors. They’ll have six big strapping boys, whom Kathleen will push out without breaking a sweat because she has big child-bearing hips. Serge will adore his new family and hate me. I’ll probably only get to see him every fourth weekend, which he’ll spend sulking. I’ll shower him with gifts to try to make him like me, but it won’t work because he’d rather be watching dog-racing in a field with his brothers than playing on his iPad. I’ll get a full facelift at fifty and have lots of meaningless affairs with colleagues. I’ll be forced to retire at sixty and spend the next twenty years sitting in my perfect house watching Donal’s six sons playing rugby for Ireland, while he and Kathleen hold hands and cheer from the sidelines. Serge will marry a girl who is the complete opposite of me and visit me once a year out of guilt.’

  I burst out laughing. Lucy joined in and soon we were hysterical with alcohol-fuelled mirth. People began to look at us, which made us laugh even louder.

  ‘What are we like?’ I dabbed my face with a napkin.

  ‘You have to laugh or you’d cry,’ Lucy said.

  Two men approached our table. ‘Hi, Lucy, we don’t mean to interrupt you, but you seemed to be having so much fun, we wondered if we could buy you a drink and join you.’

  Lucy looked up. ‘Hi, I didn’t see you in here.’ I knew by her voice that she wasn’t particularly thrilled to see them. She introduced them to me. The small one was Harry and he worked for Barclay’s Bank and the tall one was John and he was a management consultant or something, I was too drunk to care. They sat down. Harry was not very attractive. John was quite good-looking.

  ‘I hear you jumped ship,’ Harry said to Lucy.

  ‘Yes.’ Lucy nodded.

  ‘Sounds good. There’s a lot of money to be made in aircraft leasing, if you get it right. Where did you get the funding?’

  ‘Germany, AABA Bank. We shopped around, but they gave us the best terms.’

  ‘So, how’s it going?’ John asked.

  ‘Really well, thanks. We’ve sourced the planes and we’re signing clients all over Eastern Europe.’

  ‘Looks like you hit the jackpot.’

  I waved my arm at them and, slurring, said, ‘No work chat. Keep it light and fluffy. I need a break from my life.’

  Three bottles of wine later, I was feeling no pain. At about eleven, the men suggested we go to another bar. It seemed like a good idea at the time. It was dark and had loud music. Lucy went to the Ladies, leaving me dancing to Rihanna while Harry and John went to the bar.

  When Lucy came back, I was flinging myself energetically around the dance-floor. It was fantastic – I was having great fun. John came over and joined me. He was a good dancer. We swayed to the music, dancing closer and closer. Suddenly, I toppled over. John reached out to catch me. His face was very close to mine. I could feel his breath on my neck and then, without thinking at all, acting on impulse alone, I leant in and kissed him. His mouth opened in response and we began to kiss passionately.

  Lucy charged over and pulled us apart. ‘Emma! What the hell are you doing?’

  ‘Having some bloody fun for a change,’ I snapped.

  ‘We’re going home.’ Lucy grabbed my arm and yanked me through the crowd to the door. When we got out onto the street, she handed me my coat and bag. I put my coat on in silence.

  Lucy laid a hand on my shoulder. ‘Emma, this is really not the way to solve your problems.’

  I looked at Lucy, tears streaming down my cheeks. ‘Well, please tell me what is.’

  28

  I peeled my eyes open. It was still dark. My head was pounding and my mouth felt like sandpaper. I rolled over and realized I was lying on the couch, fully clothed. I hadn’t even managed to take off my coat or shoes.

  I gingerly swung my feet to the floor, padded upstairs and tiptoed past a sleeping James to the bathroom. Every step was like a mini bomb going off in my head. I leant against the sink and looked at my reflection in the mirror. My face was streaked with mascara, my hair was a tangled, knotty mess and I looked pale and drawn. What a night! I hadn’t felt this rough in years. How much had I drunk? I splashed cold water on my face and tried to rub off my makeup with a flannel. Then it hit me …

  OH, MY GOD. I had snogged John in the middle of the dance-floor. I began to shake. How could I? I’m not the type of person who gets blind drunk and kisses strange men in nightclubs. I’m a wife and a mum and I’m happy with my lot. Well … I used to be happy. But now … now I was confused and paranoid. I buried my face in a towel. If this was what it felt like to be unfaithful, it wasn’t worth it. I was so ashamed. My face burnt as the memories flashed back. I had been the one who had initiated it, too. I’d wanted to kiss John. I had really wanted to kiss another man, to just let go, misbehave, do something crazy. If I’m being totally honest, the kiss was actually pretty great, very passionate. If Lucy hadn’t dragged me away, would I have let it go further? Would I have slept with him? I could suddenly see how it was possible to get carried away in the moment, in spite of your best intentions, in spite of your real feelings, even. Was that what James was doing?

  I wiped mascara from my eyelashes and looked into my bloodshot eyes. I’d made a complete fool of myself, throwing myself at John. From now on, I’d have to avoid drinking. Alcohol was not my friend.

  I sat down on the edge of the bath. My phone buzzed in my coat pocket. It was Lucy. U OK? Worried about you.

  I texted straight back. Fine. Sry bout last night. Mortified. Can we never mention incident?

  Lucy’s reply was instant: What incident?

  I smiled. Good old Lucy. I knew my secret would go to the grave with her.

  Suddenly the bathroom was flooded with light. I winced as the brightness pierced my eyes. James stood looking at me, in his boxer shorts, scratching his head. ‘What are you doing in the dark in your coat? Have you only come home now?’ He looked at his watch. ‘It’s half six.’

  I stood up. ‘No, I got home ages ago. I fell asleep on the couch.’

  ‘Judging by the alcohol fumes emanating from you, I’d say you had a good night,’ James mumbled. He walked past me and reached for his toothbrush.

  ‘Too much wine.’ I decided to keep it short and as close to the truth as possible.

  ‘I’m glad you had a good time. You needed a night out. How’s Lucy?’

  ‘Fine, but things with Donal aren’t great.’

  James stopped brushing his teeth. ‘Hardly surprising. She’s never there. He’s practically raising Serge alone.’

  ‘Well, it’s a big opportunity for her.’ I didn’t want to get into a debate about the pros and cons of Lucy’s new job. I needed sleep. All I wanted to do was crawl into bed and put the duvet over my head.

  ‘That’s all very well, but she has a husband and a child she barely sees.’

  ‘Well, she’s home every Friday and spends all weekend with them.’

  James scratched his stubbly chin. ‘It’s not a good idea to spend so much time apart.’

  ‘I know, James,’ I snapped. ‘I’m all too aware of how one person working late all the time affects a relationship. I live with it every day.’

  James put his
hands on the washbasin and sighed. ‘Once I prove myself at the club, I can start leaving earlier. A few more wins and I’ll have shown them I’m the man for the job. You’ll see, things will settle down.’

  I slammed my hand against the edge of the bath. ‘You said all that would happen after you won the first match, but very little has changed. Oh, apart from the lunatic out there stalking us because of you.’

  ‘Emma, calm down. You know I wouldn’t cheat on you. And I really think that if we continue to ignore her, she’ll go away and we can get back to normal.’

  Normal? I didn’t even know what normal was any more.

  I decided to change the subject. I was too hung-over to get into an argument about our messed-up life. ‘Why are you up so early anyway?’

  ‘I couldn’t sleep so I thought I’d go for a run before work.’

  ‘It’s pitch dark outside.’

  ‘I know. I had a horrible dream and I need to shake it off.’

  ‘What was it about?’ I asked.

  James rinsed his toothbrush slowly. ‘It was about you leaving me and taking the children.’

  ‘Oh.’ I didn’t know where to look. Did he suspect me? Had he guessed what I’d got up to last night?

  James caught my eye in the mirror. ‘We’re all right, aren’t we, darling? I know things have been horribly difficult lately, but we’ll get through it, won’t we?’ He sounded genuinely worried.

  I really looked at my husband for the first time in ages. His eyes were puffy from lack of sleep and he had lost more weight, which didn’t suit him. He had the air of a man under huge pressure. I suddenly felt sorry for him.

  ‘As long as you never lie to me, James, we’ll be fine. But if I find out you’ve lied to me about the stalker, we won’t be.’ I felt a little guilty taking the moral high ground, having just kissed someone else, but then, what was a kiss compared to sex toys?

  James turned and bent to kiss me on the lips. ‘I haven’t lied to you and I never will,’ he assured me. He tasted of mint toothpaste: nice. He handed me his toothbrush. ‘I think you might need to freshen up your breath.’