Mad About You

by Sinéad Moriarty

  ‘What tangents?’ I huffed.

  ‘You get very het up about things.’

  ‘I think I’m entitled to get het up about my husband’s infidelity, Mum!’

  Mum put the towel down. ‘All I’m saying is, don’t be too hasty in making any decisions. Those children love their father, and being on your own would not suit you. Now, put on some makeup. You’ll upset them going about looking like that.’

  With her pearls of wisdom handed out, Mum left the bathroom. My mother never ceased to amaze me. Here I was, the victim of stalking and a husband who was likely cheating on me, but somehow, some way, by some means, it appeared to be my fault. I must have been mad to think of moving in with her for a couple of weeks. This crazy situation really was making me lose my mind.

  35

  That night as I tucked the children into the bed in the spare room – which was really a glorified wardrobe – I hugged them tightly. ‘I love you guys so much. From now on we’re going to do more fun things together, like go to the zoo and Legoland and lots of other things.’

  ‘Yeah!’ Lara clapped her hands together. ‘I love the zoo.’

  I kissed her nose. ‘Me too. I love being with you guys. I’m sorry I’ve been so busy lately.’

  ‘And grumpy,’ Lara reminded me.

  ‘Yes, and grumpy,’ I admitted.

  ‘And shouty,’ Yuri added.

  ‘Yes, and shouty.’

  ‘And –’

  ‘OK.’ I drowned out their further complaints. ‘I’m sorry for all of it, and I promise to try to be happy Mummy now.’

  ‘And super-nice like Claire?’ Lara said.

  ‘And fun like Daddy?’ Yuri said.

  I switched off the light, so they wouldn’t see my tears. ‘Sleep tight.’

  I wiped a hand across my eyes and went back into the lounge, where Babs was lying on the couch shouting at the TV. Mum and Dad had gone to meet friends for dinner, which was a good thing as I was definitely on the verge of having a blazing argument with Mum about my ‘role’ in James’s lying and cheating.

  ‘She’s useless,’ Babs roared at the TV.

  I looked at the screen. It was The X Factor. A young girl was singing ‘Light My Fire’ out of tune.

  ‘She must be sleeping with the producer. There’s no way she’s getting votes – she’s tone deaf,’ Babs grumbled.

  I decided not to point out that she herself was a producer-shagger.

  ‘That’s the job I want,’ she said.

  ‘Singing on X Factor?’ Was she completely delusional? Babs hadn’t got a note in her head. It didn’t matter who she slept with, she’d never make it.

  She rolled her eyes. ‘No, although I think I’d do very well. I want Dermot’s job. I want to present the show. I’d be brilliant at it.’

  ‘Well, he’s pretty good at it himself,’ I pointed out. I’d always had a bit of a crush on Dermot O’Leary.

  ‘He’s all right, but I could do better.’ She bit her nail. ‘I have to do something. I have to jump before Gary pushes me. I’ve told my agent to hurry up and find me a new job. I can’t be fired. I have to go first.’

  ‘I’m sure your agent will find something. You’re very good,’ I soothed.

  ‘Well, I know that, but talent isn’t everything. You need luck and timing and the right connections.’

  My phone buzzed – Just home. U on way? It was Lucy. She’d called me when she’d heard my message and asked me over to her apartment for wine and a full debriefing.

  I texted back: Leaving now. See you soon.

  I left Babs complaining about having to sit in with the children yet again and got a taxi to Lucy’s apartment in the City, around the corner from her office. She had to stay in London for some important meeting, so we had arranged to spend Saturday night together, drinking and talking about our failing marriages.

  Her apartment was in a big block on the fifth floor. I hadn’t been in it before. The building was soulless. From the outside, all the apartments looked the same. It seemed more like a hotel than a collection of homes.

  I knocked and she opened immediately, handing me a huge glass of wine. I followed her into the living room. It was small and bare, but functional. There were no paintings, no photos, no cushions or throws. It felt very unlived-in. No wonder Lucy worked late: this place was so impersonal, you wouldn’t want to go back to it. In fact, a hotel room would have been a whole lot nicer.

  Before I even sat down, I received another text from James: Pls call me. We need to talk. Ill b home tomorrow at 8. Come over 4 dinner. Pls Emma, I love u.

  Lucy read it over my shoulder. ‘You should go,’ she said.

  ‘Why? Until he comes clean and tells me exactly what’s going on, I don’t want to see him.’

  ‘Well, maybe he’s ready to explain it all. Look, Emma, you need to find out what’s going on.’

  ‘I’m not ready yet. I need another day or two to clear my head.’ I put down the wine and curled my feet under me. ‘I cannot believe this is my life. One minute I’m getting married, the next I’m walking out on my cheating husband.’

  ‘Tell me about it.’ Lucy drank deeply from her glass.

  ‘You look almost as bad as I do,’ I noted, taking in her tired eyes and stooped shoulders.

  ‘My marriage is in tatters too.’ She sighed. ‘So what are you going to do?’

  ‘No more questions about me,’ I begged, holding up my hands. ‘Tell me all about how you’re doing. I don’t want to think about my life tonight.’

  ‘How I’m doing?’ Lucy shook her head. ‘Shit, if you want the truth.’

  ‘Donal’s still on the warpath?’

  ‘You won’t believe what he’s been up to, Emma. He’s a lying, conniving bastard.’

  I looked at her, alarmed. This sounded serious.

  ‘He’s been hiding my pill. I mean, how bloody devious, not to mention immature, is that? Every Sunday night, when I’m asleep, he takes my packet of pills out of my washbag so I won’t have them in London and therefore I won’t be protected. Then when I come home on Friday, he insists on having sex at the weekend. He is actually deluded enough to believe that I’m going to fall pregnant and that will solve everything.’

  ‘Christ, Lucy, I’m … I’m kind of lost for words. That’s such a low thing to do to someone who has been clear about not wanting more children. I’m really surprised at him. What is he thinking?’

  ‘Thankfully he’s no Columbo. I figured it out pretty quickly, so I keep spare packets of the pill here in the apartment and leave one in my washbag for him to nick. But it really blew up last Sunday night.’

  ‘But when I saw you on Monday night, you never said?’

  ‘It was still too raw, Emma. I just couldn’t talk about it – I was reeling.’

  ‘Oh, Lucy … what happened?’

  Lucy explained.

  She had just put Serge to bed and was tidying up downstairs when Donal came back from commentating on some rugby match. She had barely seen him all weekend because he’d been busy working.

  ‘Are you hungry?’ she asked. ‘I could order a takeaway?’

  ‘No, I’m fine. I grabbed a burger with Finn on my way home.’

  ‘God, I’d love a burger,’ Lucy said, trying to remember the last time she’d allowed herself to pig out on a juicy one instead of her usual lean fish or chicken.

  Donal turned around. ‘Are you craving a burger?’ he asked.

  Lucy decided to goad him. ‘Yes, actually, I’ve been craving them for a few weeks now. It’s weird.’

  Donal came closer to her. His eyes were shining. ‘Do you think you might be pregnant?’

  ‘How could I be pregnant? I’m on the pill.’

  Donal paced the room. ‘You’ve forgotten it the last few weeks.’

  ‘Yes, but then we used condoms, remember?’

  Donal avoided her eyes. ‘Well, they can burst or be faulty sometimes.’

  ‘Really? I thought they were very reliable nowadays.’r />
  ‘You never know. Will I nip out and get a test?’

  ‘I wouldn’t bother if I was you. It’d be a waste of time and money. Forty-year-old women who use contraception don’t get pregnant.’

  Donal shuffled about. ‘Let’s just check to be sure.’

  ‘You seem very confident that I might be pregnant, Donal. Why is that? Why would you imagine I could be? Do you have something you’d like to tell me? A confession perhaps? Something you did behind my back, without my knowledge or consent?’ Lucy spat the words out.

  Donal’s face flushed. ‘Are you pregnant?’

  ‘What do you think?’

  ‘I think you are.’

  ‘Well, then, would you like to explain how it happened?’

  Donal looked down at his hands. ‘Look, Lucy, I know you said you don’t want another baby, but I do. There are two of us in this marriage and you just made the decision. It was as if I didn’t count. I really want a sibling for Serge – he’s lonely. And I think another baby would fix things.’

  ‘How do you figure that?’ Lucy’s rage was beginning to boil over.

  Donal sat on the stool at the opposite side of the counter to Lucy. ‘We’re drifting apart. I feel like I’m losing you. All you care about is work. We miss you, me and Serge. We hate you being away so much. I think another baby will bring you home. You’ll come back to us. We can be a family again.’

  Lucy gripped her hands together. ‘What did you do, Donal?’

  Silence.

  ‘Let’s see. Well, I know you’ve been hiding my pill and I’m guessing you cut holes in the condoms I’ve been asking you to use. Am I right?’

  Donal nodded. ‘Guilty as charged.’

  Lucy lost her cool. ‘You sneaky, sly, underhanded shit. I –’

  Donal cut across her: ‘We need another child, Lucy. We need a sibling for Serge and we need to live in the same house and behave like a family. The way we live now is a joke. I hate it. I did not get married to see my wife for ten minutes a week. I know you keep saying you couldn’t handle another child, but I know you can. When you’re here, you’re great with Serge. He adores you.’

  ‘Really, Donal? Because I remember you telling me recently that I was a cold, selfish cow and that I was a bad mother because I didn’t spend enough time with him.’

  Donal fidgeted with his tie. ‘I was angry. I’ve been very frustrated lately. This job of yours has consumed you. Nothing else matters. Lucy, I was beginning to think we wouldn’t make it. I honestly think a baby will fix things. I want to save our marriage. I want you back. You’re never here and even when you are you’re always on that bloody BlackBerry.’

  As if on cue, Lucy’s BlackBerry beeped. Instinctively she reached out for it, then stopped herself. Donal rolled his eyes.

  Lucy’s anger bubbled over. ‘I’m sorry you’ve been feeling abandoned, but I still don’t think that gives you the right to deceive me! And a pregnancy will not save our marriage. It will sink it to the ground. What you did to me was the lowest of the low. You knew I didn’t want another baby and you went right ahead and TRICKED ME!’ Lucy shouted.

  ‘I was trying to save our marriage,’ he shouted back.

  ‘Well, your dirty little scheme didn’t work,’ Lucy spat. ‘I knew exactly what you were up to. I’ve got spare boxes of the pill in London. I will not be having another baby, so you need to get that into your thick skull.’

  ‘When did you become so cold?’ Donal hissed.

  ‘When you became a sneak and a liar,’ Lucy retorted. ‘You wanted another child and I never did. But you went ahead anyway and tricked me. I’ll never be able to trust you again.’

  Donal glared at her and, in a cold, calm voice, said, ‘Well, that makes two of us.’ He almost took the door off the hinge as he left …

  I went over and sat beside Lucy on the couch. She was crying. ‘I think it’s over, Emma. We’re both so angry and now we’re lying and deceiving each other. How can a marriage last on that basis?’

  I bit my lip. That was the exact question I was struggling with – how could you get past a deliberate deception? Donal might not have shagged some random crazy woman, but he was as guilty as James was of trampling over his marriage vows. Honesty is what anchors couples together. Without it, a relationship is doomed.

  ‘Come on, Lucy,’ I said gently, rubbing her back. ‘He does love you, even if he’s behaved like a total moron. There are still things you could try, like maybe flying home early some weeks to surprise him.’

  She stared coldly at me. ‘He tried to trick me into getting pregnant, Emma. It’s an appalling thing to do. I don’t see how I can ever trust him again.’

  ‘I know, I know. It was wrong and sneaky, but he did it because he wants you to come home to him.’

  ‘Well, then, he doesn’t know me at all, because that would never work.’

  ‘Maybe you should try marriage counselling. I think you need a mediator to help you communicate,’ I said.

  Lucy smiled ruefully. ‘We’re booked in to see one tomorrow. I managed to persuade the counsellor to see us on a Sunday by offering to double his fee. I’m flying home first thing in the morning and meeting Donal in the counsellor’s office … if he turns up. He didn’t reply to my text reminding him.’

  I squeezed her hand. ‘Donal will turn up. That’s great, Lucy. It’ll get you back on track. You’d never forgive yourself if you threw in the towel and didn’t try.’

  She raised an eyebrow. ‘And does that apply to you, too?’

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘Does that mean you’ll go to see James tomorrow night?’

  ‘We were talking about you,’ I said defensively.

  ‘I know, but what you just said makes sense for both of us.’

  I sighed. ‘It probably does, but I need more time. I’ll decide tomorrow. Right now, I’m going to decide to have another glass of wine – that’s the only decision I can make at the moment.’

  Lucy lifted up the bottle.

  36

  On Sunday morning as I was giving the children breakfast, while Babs lay in bed with the door shut, her earplugs in and her eye mask on, my phone rang. It was Henry.

  ‘Morning, Emma. Hope I’m not disturbing you,’ he said, politeness itself.

  I grabbed the heaped spoon of sugar Yuri was about to pour over his Rice Krispies. ‘No, not at all. How are you?’

  ‘Fine, thank you. So … uhm … well, I’m calling about James.’

  I stood up to walk to the corner of the room for some privacy. As I got up, Yuri grabbed the spoon back and drowned his cereal in sugar.

  ‘Emma?’

  I turned my back on Yuri’s sugar mountain and concentrated on my phone call. ‘Sorry, I’m here.’

  ‘Well, the thing is, I hope I’m not overstepping the mark, but James called yesterday and he said things had got a bit sticky with all this stalking business. He’s very troubled by it.’

  Henry sounded as if he was addressing a room full of lawyers. He was clearly very uncomfortable with this conversation. I thought it was sweet of him to try.

  I lowered my voice so the children wouldn’t hear me. ‘I’m sure he is, Henry, but I now have proof of the affair. I know that James has been lying to me and cheating on me.’

  ‘He claims he is totally innocent. I have to say he really sounded very upset. I’m inclined to believe him. James has never been the sort of chap to lie. He says he has no idea what’s going on and that all of this is as shocking to him as it is to you.’

  I sat down on the arm of Babs’s couch. ‘I found her knickers in his drawer,’ I whispered. ‘Even you would have to agree the evidence is pretty damning.’ I used language Henry could relate to.

  ‘Well, indeed.’ He coughed. ‘But James is adamant that he’s innocent and as much a victim of this person as you are.’

  ‘He’s lying.’

  ‘Why don’t you go and talk to him? It’s important that you meet up to discuss all of this. At least giv
e him the chance to tell you his side of the story. It’s only fair, Emma. He’s a good man. Let him have his say. He’ll be home from Toulouse at eight o’clock this evening. He really wants to see you. I think you should hear him out. Remember the stalker case I told you about? That man was innocent. I believe James is too.’

  I chewed my lip. ‘I’ll think about it, Henry, OK? Right now, I really don’t want to see him, but if I calm down later I might go over to the house. But I’m not promising anything.’

  ‘Excellent.’ Henry sounded relieved. His duty as mediator was over. He didn’t have to listen to me ranting on about knickers in drawers any longer. ‘Well, I’ll be off. I have to take Thomas to his riding lesson.’

  ‘’Bye, Henry. And thanks for calling.’

  I hung up and jumped when I saw Lara standing directly behind me. ‘Don’t sneak up on me like that. Have you been there long?’

  ‘You saided, “He’s lying.” Who’s lying, Mummy?’

  ‘No one. You shouldn’t be listening to my conversations anyway,’ I scolded her.

  ‘I’m bored. I want to go home.’ Yuri threw himself onto the couch.

  ‘Me too. Babs has no dolls,’ Lara moaned.

  ‘There’s nothing to play with here,’ Yuri grumbled.

  Lara’s voice rose: ‘I want my Disco Barbie.’

  ‘I want my Batman car,’ Yuri shouted.

  The door to Babs’s bedroom flew open. ‘I want sleep!’ she shouted, shaking her sleep mask and earplugs at us. ‘Can you stop shouting and go to the park or something?’

  As she turned to go back to bed, her buzzer rang. It was Mum and Dad. I decided to get the children out of the apartment, so we took them to the zoo. As we walked around in the cold, staring at shivering tigers and miserable meerkats, I tried to decide what to do about James. He had sent twenty texts begging me to meet him and hear his side of the story.

  ‘Penny for your thoughts,’ Dad said.

  ‘James wants to see me tonight to talk. I’m just not sure I want to see him.’

  Dad linked his arm through mine. It felt nice, but a bit strange. We weren’t arm-linkers. He had never done more than pat me on the back before. He was an old-fashioned man who felt that shaking hands was quite sufficient. He hated having to kiss his friends’ wives on the cheek when he met them. He thought it was fake and that we should ‘leave all that rubbish to the French’.