Occasionally, she would look outside. She did not want to become obvious so she only peeked. She could see them dance, as she had read about, around the fire. They never seemed to tire.
Between the abductors she had fought and the emotional events of the day she found some tranquility in slumber. She was not aware that she had drifted off to sleep until Running Wolf entered the lodge. She woke suddenly.
It was the early hours of the morning. The drums had stopped and she could smell the smoke from the extinguished fires. She braced herself for what she knew would probably follow.
Running Wolf undressed again. She did not know the wisdom for what she did next but she did it anyway. She reached for the knife. She was going to stab either him or herself. She did not want to have what he considered a marriage consummated. In his inebriated state she thought his reactions might be less sharp. She was wrong. He took hold of her wrist and freed the knife. Running Wolf took all the weapons that he had and threw them out of the lodge. He had grown tired of her antics. He would be rid of them at last, or at least for the rest of the night.
She knew that it was hopeless. She wanted to die but survival instincts took over and she took a deep breath. At the moment she had wished she had let Ross have his way with her the night of the party. She was horrified at the thought that her first encounter with a man would be with this man, and without her desire.
She remembered what the men had said earlier about her having a husband. She tried pleading with him.
“It is not what you think,” she cried. “I have not been with a man.”
It did not matter. He could not understand her. The language was foreign to him and he was beyond a reasonable state of mind after all the whiskey. He put his hand over her mouth for a moment to let he know that her words would not change the inevitable. He pulled her close to him as Rebecca shut her eyes.
~
Later that night Running Wolf sat outside his tipi. He was sober and feeling very remorseful. The Indian village was in slumber. He could not sleep. He had taken on a wife. He had put the prophecy in motion.
He could hear the cries of the white woman from in the tent.
Rebecca was weeping as she lay on the ground mortified. She looked around for the knife. Then, she remembered Running Wolf had tossed all the weapons outside. At the time she did not realize it but it was fortunate for her that he had hidden his weapons. She would have killed herself out of despair. In her moment of anguish she hit her fist several times on the ground as she cursed Running Wolf.
Running Wolf thought about his dream, the vision that determined his life. He was also trying to understand his encounter with Rebecca. It was apparent to him that she had not been with a man before him. He regretted the pain he caused her. He had been convinced by her age that she was married.
How she must hate him in this moment. Her innocence must have been precious to her and he had taken it. He cursed his lot in life. He was a man of strong conviction but tonight he found himself questioning his role in what he thought was his divination.
~
He thought back to when his life changed. It was when he entered manhood.
A young Brave reaches the age of maturity around the thirteenth year of life. Running Wolf was sent to the mountains to prove his bravery and learn his purpose in life. He was eager for this passage as most young men were. He was sent with his bow and arrow for protection. He did not have food because he would be fasting for the next fourteen days.
The first days of this journey into manhood were exhilarating for the young Running Wolf. In his eagerness to prove himself brave he did not pay attention to the pangs of hunger. As the days continued he found the absence of food caused him to reflect on himself. He had time to think about what would be expected of him in life. He found himself in constant meditation with the Great Spirit and willing to take the course that was his design.
While on his vision quest the young Brave would pray for his dream. The dream he envisioned is what he would carry back to the holy man of the tribe.
Once he woke from this dream it would be time to capture the great eagle. The animals of the earth held a spirit all their own. The eagle was held in reverence and awe. It was also the most elusive.
Running Wolf had dug a hole just large enough to hold his body. He was on the highest part of the mountain where the eagles would land and nest. He carefully covered the hole with twigs. He had killed a rabbit earlier with his bow and arrow. He took the fresh game and carefully placed it on the twigs. He pulled them over his face and waited patiently. The game would be bait for the majestic bird.
When the bird landed to take the food Running Wolf would have to be very quick and precise. He would take hold of the animal’s legs. When the eagle’s feet are confined he is rendered helpless.
The young warrior’s skill would be tested further. He would take three of the animal’s tail feathers. Then, he would let the bird fly free with the skinned rabbit in his claws. The tail feathers of the reverenced bird would proof that he had completed this challenging task.
After Running Wolf had conquered the eagle in this way he performed a cleansing ritual. This was done by creating a hut with twigs and covering it with a hide. He sat inside for days with a fire burning. It took a great deal of inner strength for Running Wolf to sit in meditation. He would remain in silent prayer during his ‘sweat bath.’
Running Wolf prayed for many things, most of all for guidance. He left the sweat-hut feeling one with the Creator. It was a welcome relief to bathe in the cool waters of the river. Now he had the soul of a true warrior and was in unison with the Great Spirit.
When Running Wolf returned to the village there was a great celebration of another Brave reaching maturity. As the festivities progressed into the night Running Wolf met with the great interpreter. He could hear the drums beating and the chanting from outside as he sat in the confines of the tent of the holy man. He shared with him the dream that he believed to be his vision.
There were buffalo in the field. As we hunted them they scattered. I was able to shoot one and she fell to the ground. When it fell I could see the spirit of the animal. The spirit was white and when it rose to the heavens it let go of the young it was carrying. There were many. They scattered over the land. There was one that ran further than the others. It and only one other survived. The one survivor who did not run was able to endure and lived. The others died because they could not find safety or food. The one buffalo that escaped grew to be strong and wise. Many first thunders later it returned to the land of his brothers.
Running Wolf waited patiently while the anointed man gazed into the fire.
“I will tell you what I see,” the wise man said after much thought. “The white buffalo is a sign you will take a white woman as your wife. You will have children together. From those children will come more children. The one buffalo that left and survived will send a descendent. That descendent will be a great storyteller. They will hold many honors among their people. That is the reason for the white buffalo. You have been chosen because this is the only way the white man will believe that what is said is the truth. It must come from the white man. They will be our voice.
When you killed the buffalo that was a sign of how the white man will take the buffalo from us. The one young buffalo that survives is a vision that there will be a survivor among our people, a descendent of your wife. This man will be the only one who will know of our story. Your descendant will live to tell the story long after the others who know the truth have perished, taking our heritage with them. The one that returns to the land of his brothers will tell our story to the white man. It will be told of you in particular. It is your obligation to our people for this story to be told for many years to come. You cannot marry your own and if you try there will be a disaster.”
The old man could see the confusion and disappointment on Running Wolf’s face. Running Wolf knew little of the white man. What he did know he did not like.
&
nbsp; “Running Wolf you have been given a great honor. The Great Sprint has chosen you among many,” he tried to reassure him.
~
Running Wolf sat in the stillness of the night with the dawn of a new day within his reach. He thought about his attempt to marry Long Summer Day. He felt responsible for her demise. She was a warm and caring woman. Now, he was with a woman who was cold to his touch. This white woman was to be the mother of his children? Instead of avenging the white man as he wanted to in his heart, he would be allowing her to carry his seed. The irony of this lay heavy in his heart. He felt that he did not avenge his father’s death, but instead mocked it by his encounter and acceptance of a white woman. His mind was a muddy water of confusion, but he must hold fast to the beliefs of his people. He accepted his destiny with courage and dignity.
~
Tiponi sat back for a moment. He took a deep breath as though he had just revealed a very sacred trust.
I was too self-absorbed to respect this and did not see the ignorance in my actions until after the fact. I had grown to respect Tiponi very much. However, this did seem a little farfetched. It seemed contrived.
“So, this was the dream?” I blurted out without thinking.
I had to admit I was looking for more, and I did not know if this man was really expecting me to believe this story.
“Hmm,” I unwisely continued. “So this is like a story that runs parallel to the Bible that Rebecca had in her possession. A story that is told so many times that it is hard to tell what is true and what is someone else’s interpretation?”
Now I had done it. I could see the hurt and frustration in his eyes. My own issues that day had been carried into my encounter with Tiponi. Once again I had crossed the line. Tiponi had opened up to me and I had stomped on his belief system. His hurt turned to anger quickly.
“The white man has little faith and too much pride. That has always been his curse,” Tiponi said without looking at me. “It is time for you to leave,” he insisted.
I did not know what to say. The whole day was turning from bad to worse. I was regretful and did not know how to show my repentance.
“I am so sorry,” I said as I stood up.
He did not look at me. I left knowing that is what he wanted.
~
Outside, night was approaching quickly. I was crying and did not know what to do next. Between Jack and Tiponi I felt like I could not do anything right. I pulled myself together and thought about what to do next.
The reservation was very quiet and the stillness was unnerving. I could hear the faint sound of music coming from a house that I was passing. As I drew closer to it I could hear the familiar song Amazing Grace being sung by an artist that I did not recognize. Her voice was clear and beautiful. How ironic I thought, yet so timely. It was as though Tiponi orchestrated that himself. He was beginning to make a believer out of me in spite of myself.
My concern for Jack became deeper. The hours had passed by so quickly with Tiponi yet it seemed so long for Jack to be gone. I kept hoping that he would join us. I thought about how he might have kept me from making a complete ass of myself and possibly damaging my relationship with Tiponi. My poor judgment today concerning both Jack and Tiponi was haunting me. Why was I creating obstacles concerning matters of the heart? Tiponi hit it right on the head with his comment about a lack of faith.
I began to see things more clearly now. I just prayed it was not too late in either case to make amends.
I had hoped that I would find Jack back at our room, but deep in my gut I knew that was not true. I went to the market and picked up some food. I returned to the cabin. It was the way I had left it earlier. There was no sign of him. I suddenly had a feeling of extreme panic. If he had left for home I would have been despondent.
The words that Tiponi had said earlier were suddenly making more sense to me. I realized how I had kept Jack at a distance for the duration of our relationship. I knew now that everything Jack had said earlier was right on the mark. I had a revelation as I stood outside my cabin and faced the setting sun on the mountains. I had been so foolish. I only hoped that I had not completely pushed him away. I had a good idea where he might have gone when I did not find him back at the room. I saw my quiet friend. I walked up to him and asked a favor. My mouth was dry as I approached him.
“Could you please help me with something?”
~
I was right about where Jack had gone. He was at our place in the mountains. I arrived at the campsite to see him staring into the fire he had made. He knew I was there but did not acknowledge my presence.
I walked up to him and sat beside him. He reacted to me with a look of ambivalence and happily petted Cosette who was excited to see him.
I knew he was probably hungry. I attempted to break the ice.
“I brought you some dinner. I thought you might be hungry.” I pulled the fish out of the bag. “Let’s see, I have fish and I have fish.” I was testing the waters to see if he would laugh. I was trying to find out just where I stood. I saw that he was not amused.
“I am not very good at this groveling thing, Jack,” I said.
He usually was very receptive to my humor.
“I know that is usually reserved for the male arena.”
The look on his face told me he resented the chauvinistic remark. At this point I could not blame him. I was nervous and my approach was more sarcastic than apologetic. I do that when I am drowning in humility and have no idea where to go. When I am between the rock and the hard place I usually joke.
“You know Jack I feel like the jackass that asked Mrs. Lincoln, Other than that shooting incident, how was the play?” I laughed at my own joke. I knew I was in deep trouble because Jack began to look annoyed.
“I guess you had to be there,” I said frustrated with myself.
“I will be leaving in the morning on the first flight,” he said. “Could I impose on you to take me to the airport?”
His words were like a stabbing pain to my heart, probably as mine were to Tiponi earlier in the day.
“Please don’t leave!” I begged him. I did not know how to start the conversation so I began with squirming. “I am so sorry Jack! I have been so wrong.” I took a deep breath wanting to share with him what I had come to realize today. “I cannot lose you.”
He looked at me confused. I could tell there was something he wanted to tell me. He paused for a minute and then looked into the fire he had made. He turned to me with sincerity.
“You know Darcy, the first time you walked into my office I could not take my eyes off of you.” He smiled. “I wanted to carry you away from the moment I first met you. For months I admired you without letting you know. The night of your party I had enough to drink and mustered up the courage to the possibility of being shut down. Then again, in a way, I really did not give a damn. I had to tell you or I would have gone crazy. I took the opportunity to make my move. You may think it is easy, but it is not. You are not the only one fearful of rejection.”
He looked back into the fire as though it were giving him the words to say.
“You were sophisticated and smart. You were going through a rough time. I watched and admired how you had the guts to make changes in your life. You had the courage to get through a painful divorce. As if that was not a life change in itself, you had the guts to leave your job with the newspaper and pursue the type of writing career you had only dreamt about. You had done a lot with your life and to be quite frank, I did not know if I stood a chance.”
He looked at me with the look of admiration I loved.
“When you walked into a room it lit up. I lit up” He seemed lost in thought. “When we kissed that night I knew that I could not let you go. I just don’t understand how you will not give me the chance to make you happy; I know I can, Darcy.”
This surprised me. I was so unaware of his attraction, or unsure feelings. He was someone I knew could have any woman he wanted. I always assumed he had someone i
n his life when we were just counselor and client.
“I never knew that,” I said. “I guess I have been pretty shortsighted about a lot of things. I have realized a lot today, Jack. One is that I was wrong about us.”
Jack looked at me and asked a question that was the foundation of his hurt in my lack of trust in him.
“Darcy, was there ever a time that I stood in your way? When you were making a name for yourself outside your column in the newspaper, did I ever try and hold you back?”
I shook my head.
“Didn’t I always tell you that I was with you all the way no matter what you decided to do with your life?”
I looked at him with tears in my eyes. “Yes, you have. You have been wonderful.” I looked out unto the vast mountain range, searching in my heart for the right words to say.
“Maybe, I was always just afraid. I was scared as hell that if I ever loved again, the same thing would happen. I really felt the odds were against us.” I put my arm in his. “I had this fear that history would only repeat itself. I needed to trust you. I needed to trust us.”
He smiled at me letting me know that I could end my dissertation. I was grateful.
He pulled me close. “How did your day go with Tiponi?”
I sighed deeply. “I have had a day from hell. I could not do anything right.”
“How so?” he questioned.
“I really blew it with Tiponi today.” I shuddered thinking about what a jerk I had been.
“I am not sure he will ever speak to me again. But if it made me realize that losing you is a mistake then I will chuck the whole project. It will be worth it to have not lost you.”
Jack took me into his arms. “You can have both you know,” he said as he smiled at me. “You already know I would never stand in the way of your success.”
I knew things would be okay when he was able to joke.
“Beside that, you are my best client. Who says you can’t have it all?”
The Spirits of Nature Page 13