Watchstar

by Pamela Sargent

They reached the ledge and settled on it, pressing their backs against the surface behind them, squeezed against one another.

  —I'm already tired—Sude thought.

  —That's what you get for fooling around with mindtricks all the way here—Peloren's mind murmured belligerently.

  —Rest—Harel thought.—We mustn't use up our energy with bickering. Don't even think unless you have to—

  Daiya breathed deeply, hoping there was at least one more ledge where they could rest before reaching the summit. The rock against her back felt strange, unlike other stone, almost as if there was power in it. The Merged One had touched these mountains; perhaps they retained some of God's strength. The others felt it too. Their minds gripped one another; already they felt stronger.

  Daiya lifted herself from the ledge, drifted up, then looked down. The ground was too far away; she felt disoriented. She looked up quickly. She searched the cliffside for another ledge, pulling the others with her, feeling their power buoy her. She saw only sheer surface. She floated up farther, ahead of the others, searching desperately. The apprehension of the other young people was pulling at her now, draining her energy. She wondered if they should drop back to the ledge. She continued to rise, moving diagonally to the north. The surface was more jagged there. She saw crannies in the mountainside. She landed on one and drew the others after her.

  They landed around her in nearby nooks. Sude was lagging, tired again. Daiya dragged him along and settled him next to her. She squatted carefully, loosening some stones which raced away from the ledge, tumbling down the side.

  —Now what—Peloren murmured from a ledge to Daiya's right. They were still far from the summit, but the mountain was narrower here; instead of going to the top and over, it might be easier to go around.

  Daiya took a breath and leaned against the rock, feeling energy fill her again, sensing a presence. She looked at the others; they felt it too.—Wait—Daiya said.—I'm going to try to get to the other side, I'll call to you—She caught a dissenting murmur from Peloren:—Still setting yourself apart, aren't you, Daiya—

  She lifted herself, floating up, then to the east, toward the side of the mountain facing the desert. The perpendicular cliffs were left behind; she saw rocky slopes and bumpy ground. She would be able to land after all. She settled on the ground and gazed down.

  The desert was below her, dry and desolate; the air rippled in the distance. The barren land stretched to the horizon. She looked at it and felt fear; life would burn up out there, nothing could grow, nothing could live. She squinted; that wasn't quite right. Prickly green plants clung to the sandy ground; she thought she saw a tiny rodent burrow into the earth. But there were only a few of the prickly plants; she could probably count them all.

  She trembled. The mountain almost seemed to sigh. Her neck prickled. There was a presence nearby. She reached out to it, feeling it hum, waiting for it to speak. It's a sign, she thought as her mind formed a prayer, it's a sign from the Merged One, a sign from God. Jowē had shown them a vision, God touching these mountains. Daiya covered her face with her hands, sorry for her doubts, waiting for the presence to speak. But there was only silence.

  Of course God would not speak yet, not until death was near. She needed faith, not proof. She shook her head and called out to the others. At last they drifted overhead, settling near her, their minds still as the presence hummed. Even Sude was subdued. We're ready now, Daiya thought, we're ready, we're united, we'll live.

  She stood up and launched herself, shooting out from the mountainside until there was only sandy desert below. She fell, diving through the suddenly thick air which was a soft cushion around her; she was floating, not falling, or so it seemed. She swam through the air as if it were the river water. The ground below spun, then rushed to meet her. She slowed herself and landed.

  She put a hand over her eyes and looked up. The tiny figures were high above her, growing larger. Harel soared, arms out, legs extended. Sude tumbled, whirling in spirals, turning somersaults. Tasso, big and solid, plummeted like a stone, caught himself, then landed with a grunt. Oren and Mausi were daggers, feet pointed at the earth. Peloren spun, her hair whipping around her head; she circled, then alighted daintily.

  They pulled their hoods over their heads. Silently, they began to walk into the desert.

  The air was growing cooler. The mountains, now far behind them, hid the sun. Daiya no longer felt the presence that had touched her mind when she was standing on the mountain. The Net, though attenuated, held them; the village was still with them.

  She glanced at her hooded companions. Mausi's eyes were shaded by her hood; her nose was pink with sunburn. She was concentrating on the burn, healing it slowly. Tasso stomped along, swaying slightly from side to side, drawing on his bulk for strength. Harel slowed, then stopped, sitting down quickly on the ground. Daiya settled near him; the others joined them.

  —We should eat something—Harel thought.

  —Shouldn't we keep going—Daiya asked.

  —We should eat now, we can travel afterward until it gets dark and then sleep—Harel seemed weary, his thoughts flat and expressionless.

  They untied their sacks. Daiya rummaged through hers, deciding she could last with only a bit of dried meat and a swallow of wine; she would save her water for later. She bit into the meat, then drank some wine. The liquid was warm and sour; she smacked her lips, still feeling thirsty. She suppressed the feeling.

  Peloren finished some fruit, then stood up. Tasso, fortified by his muscle and fat, took only a sip of water before hoisting his sack to his back.—Let's go—Peloren thought.—If we sit here much longer, we won't be able to move—She strode off, trailed by the others.

  Daiya and Harel lingered behind, holding hands, drawing close to each other. The desert was silent. There were none of the familiar sensations, the trembling spirits of rabbits, the fluttering darting minds of birds, the heartless thoughts of cats. The life here was hidden. Occasionally she sensed the presence of a lizard or snake, its mind a mass of instincts with no feeling or thought, icy and alien.

  Sude suddenly darted ahead of everyone, leaping and bounding over the land, growing smaller in the distance. The others hurried after him. He stopped and waited until they caught up with him again. As she approached, Daiya saw the bones next to Sude, the eyeless skull, the bleached ribs, a claw which had once been a hand. Human bones.

  —We're getting closer to our destination—he thought. He threw back his hood; his dark eyes were wide open. His terror swept over Daiya.

  She threw up her wall, shielding herself.

  Peloren went to Sude, raising a hand as if to strike him.—Go on—she thought fiercely.—Don't look at them, just keep going—Her thoughts swallowed Sude's.

  Daiya realized that the tall girl was no longer afraid, only resigned. She shuddered, wondering which was worse. Sude turned, pulling up his hood, and continued to walk, Peloren following close behind him.

  Harel was no longer smiling; he had not smiled for a while. Daiya blanked her mind, conscious only of the walking, the sand underfoot, the dry air, the growing coolness, Harel's hand.

  Daiya awoke, feeling bodies all around her, dimly recalling how they had huddled together in the cold before falling asleep. A foot pressed against her back; the others were stirring. As soon as night had come, they had sunk to the ground, exhausted. She had not even had time to decide whether or not to drink some water before her tiredness overpowered her thirst.

  She sat up and stretched her arms. Her back and legs ached; she concentrated on her muscles, relaxing them. The sun was peering at them, low in the east, swimming in the rippling air. Bones were scattered on the ground around them; a skull resting on a backbone grinned at her. She shivered, relieved that the night had hidden the bones from them or it would have been difficult to sleep.

  Trying to ignore the signs of death, she reached into her sack, which had served as a pillow, and pulled out some water. The cool water trickled down her throat.
She swallowed more, unable to resist, then forced herself to stop. Harel, his head still on his sack, stretched his legs. Mausi yawned, leaning against a drowsy Oren. Peloren groaned as she rubbed her eyes. Tasso danced on his strong, heavy legs, trying to wake up completely. He stopped and stared at them, his head jerking about on his thick neck.

  —Sude's gone—Tasso thought.

  Daiya blinked. Tasso was right. She pulled on her sack and got to her feet, wondering how he had managed to leave without awakening any of them.—We must find him—she thought.

  Peloren's eyes met hers.—Must we? He's chosen his fate—

  Daiya choked back her anger.—We can't just leave him—

  —Do you want us to tire ourselves looking for him?—the tall girl asked.

  —If we don't try to find him, it'll affect us too. We'll have to face our ordeal knowing we didn't try to stay unified, that we forgot a responsibility, and then we may all die. Besides, he can't have gone far—Daiya hoped she was right about that.—Let's put our minds together—she went on.—Try to sense him—

  They drew together. Their minds flew out, held to their bodies by a cord of light. They touched terror and knew it was Sude. They drew back and were inside their bodies again.

  Daiya pointed to a lump on the horizon.—He's behind that rock—she thought.—He knows we've found him—

  —What do we do now—Harel asked.

  —I'll go to him—Daiya responded.—I'll speak to him on the way. If he still refuses, fine, but at least we'll have tried—

  She started toward Sude, sending a tendril of thought before her. She touched his mind, faint and distant. She clung to him, feeling him struggle. She held him as tightly as she could.—Sude! Why are you doing this?—

  His wall was up; he was resisting her.

  —Sude! You'll die out here!—

  —I'll die anyway—he answered weakly.

  —If you face your ordeal, you'll have a chance—she replied.—But you can't survive out here, alone. The Merging Ones will seek you out in time, and no other village would welcome you—She wondered if others had tried to escape the ordeal; she had never heard of any doing so. That must mean that those who had tried were dead.

  His mind shook as she held it. His fear had stripped away his self-respect and his reason. She was holding a wild animal. She kept walking toward him, feeling her energy seep away as she clutched his mind. Claws dug into her brain.—I won't let you do this to yourself, Sude—she cried.—You must return—

  Her nerves burned. He fought her; she fell to the ground, still grasping him. She felt him sigh. She held a limp and empty mind. She looked up and saw a small figure on the horizon near the rock, a tiny, defeated creature.—You're coming back—she sighed, relieved.

  —You're determined to kill me, aren't you, Daiya—His words stabbed her.—Once you loved me, I'll try to remember that when I die. I can't fight you—

  —Don't think that way—

  —I'm a coward, I finally found that out, and cowards don't survive ordeals—He threw up his wall.

  She sat up, wrapping her arms around herself, and waited for him. She felt a hand on her shoulder and looked up. Mausi stood there, frowning—I'm just as frightened as Sude is—the blonde girl thought.

  —You didn't run away—

  —What would be the point—Mausi asked.—Anyway, he's coming back, that has to count for something. The Merged One was testing him—She turned and walked back to the others, sitting down next to Oren.

  The figure approaching her was growing larger. She realized her hands were shaking; she tucked them into her sleeves. She was worse off than Sude; she would have to face her trial with a dark spot still in her mind. It tempted her, infecting her with a desire to set herself above others, making her impatient with the arts of persuasion. She had tried to command her companions instead of reaching a consensus with them, wasting strength in battles with Peloren, who had the same flaw. She had forced her will on Sude.

  She reached out quickly as he drew nearer, touching his mind. She felt him recoil.—Sude—she thought,—God was testing you, that is all. One who overcomes great fear is stronger in the end than one who never feels it. You must believe that—

  He did not respond, but his wall was still down.

  —It's true—she continued.—Look at me, Sude, you know my flaws, they are graver faults than yours. I believe you'll live—She gave the thought as much conviction as she could.

  He put up his wall then and she could not tell whether or not he believed her. She got up and went back to the others. They sat silently, sacks tied to their backs, conserving their strength. She sat next to Harel, leaning against him as he put his arm around her. Her mind was divided, part of her wanting to stop time and keep things as they were, the other part wanting to be done with the ordeal.

  And then Sude was with them again, too quickly. She shook her head and rose. Her eyes met Sude's; he turned away, his mouth twisting.

  They stood together, then began to arrange themselves, circling one another, jostling and stomping until they were ready. They stood in a circle facing out, making sure no one would be traveling in the direction they had all taken here. Daiya was facing south; she oriented herself, fixing the direction in her mind. She would have to be able to find her way back, although that should not be difficult; they could always link minds during the return trip, guiding one another.

  They stepped out, their paths the spokes of a wheel as they set out across the desert.

  By evening, Daiya had traveled far. She had moved at a steady pace, glad that her hood and dark skin protected her face from the sun. The mountains had grown larger again; she was moving south, they ran southeast. She squinted, gauging the distance as she walked; the mountain range was curving a bit to the west of her; she would soon be walking parallel to it.

  She had not sensed the minds of the other young people all day. Even Harel had been silent. Like her, the others were probably saving their strength. She was beginning to wonder why the passage was called an ordeal; a task, perhaps an effort. Except for the desert silence, the alien environment, it was not much worse than the times she had gone out alone to train. She gritted her teeth. It was not over yet; it could get much worse, in time.

  Her stomach rumbled. She stopped near a cactus and opened it, her mind forcing her knife through the hard surface. She removed some of its water, shaped it into a ball, and brought it to her lips. She swallowed, then sealed the plant.

  She went on, thinking about the village, longing for it. The Net nestled against her. She imagined herself returning home. There would be no feast then, just a quiet celebration with her family and one last night in her parents’ hut before she left it the next day for her own home. There were always a few empty huts. Usually the young people clustered together in a few of them, waiting until they decided on partners, courting one another. She and Harel would not have to wait.

  She pondered this for a moment as she walked, wondering if she wanted to live with Harel right away. The doubt surprised her; she had never felt it before. Out of all the boys in the village, she had always been closest to him. His love had never wavered, even when she was infatuated with Sude; he had known that was a passing thing. She could not imagine feeling the same way about anyone else, so there was no point in waiting. Harel was good for her, and they would have a chance to grow together before beginning to raise their children.

  She searched her mind: you're afraid because you won't ever be alone again, your thoughts and his will intertwine, you won't have those solitary moments to yourself. The words chilled her. It was true, and another reason why she should not wait, should not give herself a chance to indulge in that vice any more.

  She tried to clear her head as she walked. This was not a time to think about separateness, or to invent worries about an uncertain future she might not live to see.

  She stopped, looking around for a place to rest. It was light enough to walk a bit farther, but she wanted to stop, eat a bi
t of food, go to sleep. She did not want to be awake when the stars appeared, when the comet was visible, when dread came over her against her will. She sat down, took off her sack, and ate two figs, washing them down with a little wine. She would get up earlier tomorrow, make up the distance she had not traveled.

  She reclined, resting her head on the sack, cooling her body until the air seemed warmer and her mind more sluggish. She drifted off; she moved between two cliffs, there was something unknown ahead, something dark and alien, cold and metallic, reaching for her with tentacles. She pushed past it and plunged into unconsciousness.

  The sun was high. Daiya's shadow had shrunk, hiding under her feet. Her mouth was dry, her throat gritty. She gazed at the flat ground. She was a speck, exposed to everything. There was no place to stop, no shade, nowhere to hide.

  Suddenly she was frightened. She saw herself sitting here for days, burned by Heaven's Fire, using up strength bit by bit just to keep herself alive, waiting for the moment when she would have to return to the others, and not knowing how she would know it. This would be an ordeal after all.

  She gazed at the mountains. They were smaller; the range now twisted to the southwest. She tried to compose herself, slowing her heart, steadying her stomach. Her breathing was even. She turned toward the south. Desolation was before her.

  Something bulged at the horizon. She squinted as she looked. The black spot grew larger, moving in her direction. Her heart thumped more rapidly. She climbed to her feet, watching the thing grow as it sped along near the ground. She felt terror; her insides twisted, making her gasp. It was a sign, part of the ordeal, it had to be. It came nearer. She saw its long runners, the dark dome over the metal body.

  She screamed. Claws ripped at her brain as if tearing it in two. The dark spot flared into brightness as the suppressed past burst inside her and she remembered. The vehicle hovered near her. She threw up her hands, recalling Reiho. She was on fire. She screamed again, unable to bear it. The sandy ground rushed toward her as she fell.