Blind Kiss

by Carlino, Renée

  “Maybe.”

  “Because I think if you were, you’d get your happy wife back. She’s the most loving and forgiving person I’ve ever known.”

  “I know,” he said, his voice cracking. “The problem is that she doesn’t leave much for me. She spreads herself too thin.”

  “I know that’s not true because outside of caring for you and Milo, there’s not much else going on in her life. And even if that were a little bit true, I’d take anything she was willing to give to me, if I were you. I’ve always wished for that myself.”

  “I know. That’s the problem. She probably wishes for the same.”

  “I don’t know, Lance. She’s a mess right now. You guys have to work your stuff out first.”

  He didn’t respond. I got up without saying anything more.

  THE NEXT DAY, I met Briel in Denver for lunch and told her what was going on with Penny.

  “Why is it your business?” she asked.

  “It just is. She’s my best friend.”

  Briel frowned over her glass of wine. “Wow. I always thought Penny and Lance had perfect love,” she said in her thick French accent.

  “Far from it.”

  “Do you have love for her?”

  “Don’t be like that. Penny is like family to me.” Briel was quiet after that. I think she didn’t want to come across as jealous. It was still early enough in our relationship that every word mattered, and every date was a tone-setter. We had both agreed that we would keep things casual, but I could already see her straining against that.

  After lunch, I told her I had to run by my apartment to pick up more clothes, although a part of me just wanted to check in on Penny to see how she was holding up. Afterward, Briel and I would head back to my dad’s house in Fort Collins and make dinner together.

  Briel waited in the car as I jogged up the stairs. When I walked into my apartment, I noticed all the blinds were closed and it was quiet and cold. Where was Ling, or Penny for that matter? I went into my room and saw the lump of her body in my bed, covered from head to toe.

  I stood there, thinking about what I should do.

  29. Three Months Ago

  PENNY

  I could hear him in the room. He was quiet at first, and then I heard him shuffling through drawers. It sounded like he was packing. Was he just going to ignore me? Maybe he was trying to let me sleep.

  All of a sudden the blankets whooshed up, and he slid in and covered us again from head to toe. We were under the blankets, lying face-to-face on our sides.

  “What are you doing, P?”

  “Lying here.”

  “Where’s Ling?”

  “I told her not to come.”

  He shook his head. “So you’re gonna mope here all alone? Have you even brushed your teeth?”

  “I think you know the answer to that.”

  “Talk to me. It’s three p.m., and judging by the looks of things, you haven’t gotten out of bed.” He reached his hands out to hold mine and I let him take them.

  “I’m depressed. I talked to Milo and he asked a million questions. All of which I had to skirt around. Lance called and left three voicemails, asking to talk, but I don’t think I’m ready.”

  “Tell him that.”

  “What are you doing here?”

  “Just picking up a few things. Briel’s downstairs, waiting in the car. We just grabbed some lunch.”

  I tried to kick him but he grabbed my foot. “Get out of my bed and go be with your girlfriend,” I said.

  “This is my bed, dork.”

  “Well, get out of your bed and let me sulk.”

  “No.” Gavin blinked and swallowed. This was Gavin’s tell for I’m about to say something you’re not going to like. “I told Lance I would leave you alone if he got help.”

  I felt a stabbing ache in my chest. “Leave me alone? As in what?”

  “You know.”

  “You can’t do that.” Tears started forming in my eyes. “You can’t do that.”

  “I didn’t know what else to say. I need to protect you.” He wiped a tear from my cheek and whispered, “I’m sorry. I hate to see you break like this.”

  “Don’t do that. I’m not breaking. You think you’re protecting me by never talking to me again?” I scowled.

  Closing his eyes, he said. “I’ll figure it out.”

  “Tell me something, Gavin. When will this happen?”

  “When will what happen?”

  “When will we stop talking forever? When will we stop being there for each other? When have you agreed to stop being my best friend? Huh, fucker? Answer me. When will we never talk again?”

  He didn’t say anything for a long time. His eyes remained closed until he finally spoke. “When one of us dies, I guess.”

  “Exactly, and you know it’s true.”

  He gave me a bow. One I needed so desperately. A second later, he sat up abruptly and moved to straddle me.

  “Ouch, get off me!”

  “No.” He pinned my arms above my head and ran his gaze down my body. “You’re a mess and you’ve had that T-shirt and those underwear since we were in college. I know you can afford underwear, P. Go shopping. Call Ling and have dinner with her. Eat something, for the love of God. You look like a waif.”

  I was still pinned. Turning my head to look away from him, I said, “No!”

  He ran his tongue up the side of my face. I wiggled and squirmed. “Ahh, gross! Get off me!”

  “So very cute,” came a French accent from the doorway.

  Gavin jumped off me onto the floor, still smiling. Apparently, he didn’t care what Briel thought. I pulled the covers up to my neck. “Hi, Briel. Gavin was just leaving.”

  “And Penny was just rolling her depressed ass out of bed and into the shower.”

  “Fine,” I grumbled.

  LING FLEW IN that evening. “I was going to come anyway, so good thing you actually want me there,” she said over the phone. I was so glad she knew what I needed before I did.

  We stayed up late eating junk food and watching reruns of Who’s Line Is It Anyway? She didn’t press me on anything, but she already knew the whole story from Gavin, Kiki, and the little fragments I had given to her.

  The next day, Ling took me to the mall. I got three new outfits, five pairs of fancy underwear, and a bikini wax, which I had never had and never will again. Ling said I needed to feel good and confident when I eventually faced Lance. All I felt was pain.

  I had a drink at six on the dot, and at seven Ling and I sat down at a fancy restaurant, where I ordered a margarita.

  “There’s no answers in the bottle, Penny,” Ling said.

  “Are you shrinking me, Ling?”

  “God, no. I’m just saying getting drunk is not going to make you feel any better.”

  “Isn’t that what you’re here for . . . to watch me get drunk? I’m going through shit, my friend.”

  “It’s a phase. And no that’s not why I’m here.” She shook her head and looked away, seemingly disappointed. “Tell me this: did you stay with Lance because of the money and security?”

  I rolled my eyes. “You know that’s not true. I stayed with Lance because I thought it was the right thing to do for Milo.”

  “Was it?”

  “You are shrinking me.”

  “No, I’m just talking to you.”

  I downed the last of my margarita. “It was the right thing to do for Milo. Gavin was unstable, fickle, all over the place for so long.”

  “Is he now?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “Besides college and his one fuckup, hasn’t he always been there for you?” She raised her eyebrows. She already knew the answer.

  “I’m just tired of fighting that fight. I’m tired of fighting for Gavin and justifying myself to Lance.”

  “I’m just tired of watching you make your life decisions based on the men in your life,” she replied coolly. That stung, but it made sense coming from her. Ling was et
ernally single by choice, and she said what she felt. Having no significant other allowed her to roam through life without a filter. To be herself. I envied her. She was a great friend to me, but we had vastly different outlooks on life.

  I thought she would lecture me more or say I told you so, but she said nothing after that. Finally, I asked, “Ling, do you think I should leave Lance?”

  “Honestly, yes. I don’t think you’ll ever be happy with him and I think it’s selfish what you’re doing.” I knew she’d say that.

  “I know.” I paused, looking around the restaurant. “Let’s get outta here. How ’bout the Tipsy Hat?”

  “That dive with the cover bands?”

  “Yeah! C’mon, it’ll be fun. We’ll dance.”

  Little did I know, Ling was already calling in reinforcements.

  30. Three Months Ago

  GAVIN

  Ling: Tiny Dancer still can’t hold her liquor.

  Me: On my way. I had a feeling. What’s she doing?

  Ling: Don’t text and drive. She’s hanging on the bartender at the Tipsy Hat.

  Me: Masen? The guy with the piercings?

  Ling: The very same. Quit texting and driving. I have a 6 a.m. flight. I’m a freaking doctor and can’t stay out at all hours of the night like this. Just get your ass over here. I’m catching an Uber to the Marriott by the airport. You can take over from here.

  Me: Don’t leave. Wait until I get there.

  Ling: I’m not an asshole. Stop texting and driving.

  Me: I’m doing voice to text so shut up.

  Ling was kind of an asshole. I would never say it to her face; she was a good friend, but not at all willing to put up with Penny’s dramatics. She probably told Penny to get a divorce and get laid. She believed in work and casual relationships . . . and that’s about it. I think because she was a psychiatrist she tried to avoid shrinking anyone in her real life. Like Ling, I believed in work and casual relationships, too . . . but when it came to Penny . . . well, Penny was home for me.

  Ling was standing near the door of the Tipsy Hat when I walked in. I spotted Penny near the bar.

  “Finally. I need to get out of here.”

  “Nice to see you, too, Ling. It’s been a while.”

  She gave me a rough hug and said, “I already told her bye, so I’m taking off.”

  “Did you tell her I was coming?”

  “No. She said she’d be fine getting back to your place.”

  I glanced over at Penny. She was wearing a short, black, semibackless dress, leaning over the bar, and talking to Masen.

  “That guy is a walking STD. Why is she flirting with him? She doesn’t even seem that drunk.”

  “She’s only had three or four drinks, but she hasn’t eaten all day.”

  “Nothing at all?”

  “No. She got weird about pigging out last night. She went into food-guilt mode. You know her.”

  Penny was five-six and probably weighed a hundred and twenty pounds. She was thin already, but now looking at her in a backless dress, braless, it seemed like she had dropped another ten pounds overnight.

  “I’m gonna run out and get her a sandwich.”

  She huffed. “Fine, I’ll wait.”

  Penny still didn’t know I was there, and I wasn’t sure how she was going to react. I got her a turkey sandwich from the deli across the street, which was kitty-corner to my apartment.

  When I returned, Ling was still at the door. “So Penny’s been flirting with the bartender?” I asked.

  “I don’t know, kinda.”

  “I guess that’s all I’m getting out of you.”

  “You guessed right. I gotta get some sleep before my flight tomorrow. Good luck,” she said as she walked out. I gave her a salute and finally headed into the bar.

  I plopped onto the barstool next to Penny and held the turkey sandwich out to her.

  She looked at me, shocked. “Ling, did you shape-shift into Gavin?”

  “Eat the sandwich, Penny.”

  “Oh, just what I need, another controlling husband.”

  “You look gaunt.”

  “I assure you, I’m not starving to death.”

  “Please eat it.”

  I looked up and caught Masen looking down Penny’s cleavage. Glaring, I said, “ ’Sup, Masen? How’s the hep C?”

  “Cut the shit, Gavin. You wanna drink or you wanna get the fuck outta here? I’ll make sure Penny finds a warm bed.”

  I rolled my eyes. “I’ll take an Alpine Duet, and she’ll have a water.”

  “Make that a vodka soda with lime, please,” Penny said with a flirty smile.

  “Eat the sandwich, Penny, and I’ll stay here as long as you want while you drown your sorrows.”

  She took five reluctant bites and said, “I’m full.”

  “Two more bites.”

  “Quit treating me like a child. Why are you here anyway? Ling obviously called you.”

  “She was just looking out for you. She wanted you to be able to cut loose, but she has an early flight.”

  Penny stood up and clapped her hands. “Well, in that case, cutting loose is exactly what I’m gonna do.”

  I sat at the bar and watched Penny dance to every funky eighties song the cover band knew over the next hour. She tried several times to lure me out on the dance floor, but honestly, I enjoyed watching her more. Even after all these years, she still danced with the raw abandon and utter grace she always had.

  What if Joey hadn’t dropped her that day? Would Penny’s life be different? Would we be together? After her injury, any variation of the name Joey was like a bad word. If Penny got into a checkout line and the cashier’s name was Joseph, Joe, Joey, Josephine, even Jodie, she’d switch lines. I told her including Jodie was ridiculous but she said it sounded too similar. That was how she dealt with it.

  Finally Penny got bored dancing alone, so she grabbed Masen, who kept looking over at me, probably worried I was going to kick his ass. Lilly, the other bartender, started serving me a small shot of whiskey with each beer I drank.

  “Lilly, are you trying to get me drunk so you can take advantage of me?”

  She pointed to Penny. “Is that the girl you always talk about?”

  “That’s her.”

  “I thought she was married? She’s not wearing a ring.”

  “I don’t know. She’s out of her mind.”

  When Penny came back to the bar to get another drink, I said, “How come you’re not wearing your ring?”

  “I called Lance today and told him I wanted to separate. You’re the first person I’m telling.”

  For the first time in my entire life, I was speechless. Penny just separated from her husband, something I thought would never happen.

  “Earth to Gavin. Aren’t you going to say anything?”

  “Does this mean you’re gonna run around fucking a bunch of guys?”

  She narrowed her eyes. “Don’t be a jerk. I told him I wouldn’t cheat on him. I just need to get out and have some me time.”

  “I see.”

  “I see? What’s up with you?”

  Lilly was eavesdropping. When I looked up, she walked away. “Nothing. I think it’s good. You could use the space.”

  “I’m only staying out here for a week. I need to get back to Milo.”

  “Milo’s fine.”

  “He’s still my son, and he’s confused. Lance told him Mommy and Daddy had a fight.”

  “Mommy and Daddy? You guys baby Milo so much, but the kid is smart as fuck. When you’re not around he acts totally different.”

  “How do you mean?”

  I gestured to the stool. “Sit.”

  “No, I’m going back out there with Masen. Just tell me how Milo’s different.”

  “He’s into girls and stuff. I bought him condoms.”

  “What?” She looked furious. “How dare you. You’re not his father.”

  “Well, apparently neither of you gave him ‘the talk’ because he c
ame to my place and asked me about it. Like . . . how to do certain things.”

  “Oh God, I’m so pissed right now. You better not have said anything weird.”

  “I told him to be kind and respectful and to make sure he cares a lot for the girl. I didn’t give him any specific pointers, Penny. Are you kidding? I told him he should wait as long as possible, and once he was ready, he should wrap it up.”

  “You did?”

  “Yeah, I said it’s a lot better when you’re in love.”

  She was staring at me, blinking impassively, but her bottom lip was quivering.

  “Penny?”

  A tear sprang from her eye and ran down her cheek. “Thank you,” she said in a low voice.

  “So I did good?”

  “Yes, Gavin. That’s exactly what I would’ve said to him. I just wish he would’ve come to me.”

  “Trust me, P, boys want to hear this stuff from another man—not their mom.” I stood from the stool. “We should go now.”

  She shook her head. “No, I want to dance more.”

  Watching her saunter back out onto the dance floor, I thought about how badly I wanted to lick her back. I shook the thought away—I had to. It felt like hours had gone by, all while she continued flirting with Masen. I finally got fed up.

  Walking up to them, I noticed Masen froze while she kept dancing with her arms slung around his neck.

  “Penny, let’s go,” I said.

  “No.” She didn’t look at me when she said it.

  “Penny, come on, I have something to show you.”

  She stopped and turned with her hand on her hip. “Are you joking?”

  “No, come outside with me.”

  She rolled her eyes. “Fine.”

  We walked out of the bar and then I yanked her around the corner into a little alleyway. “Let’s go home. You’ve had a lot to drink.”

  “I’m fine. I thought you had something to show me?”

  “Yeah, that wall. Isn’t that mural cool?”

  She turned to look. “I guess. What is it?”

  “It’s a Will Ryan Band album cover.” The cover is a painting of his wife, Mia, I think.” It’s her back as she’s walking into a lake wearing a long flowing white dress. Some fan must have re-created it here.