by Luna, David
“But if he’s carefree, why would he need that?”
“Jimmy is a happy boy. His life is good, and he loves it. He’s a pre-med student, and he’s brilliant. He spends his life learning, head in a book or taking classes to prepare him to become a trauma surgeon. As you can imagine, that’s a lot of responsibility. When he was with me, he was safe to let all of that go and fall back into the child he used to be.”
“And that helped?”
“It did. He would always leave here refreshed and ready to dive back into his everyday life. For some people, age regression takes them out of the ‘real’ world and allows them to be free in a way they don’t feel they can be in their own lives.”
“So why did you end it with him if he likes what you do for him?”
Thornton shrugged. “He didn’t need me for more than an occasional session a couple of times a week or so. I’m the type of Daddy who needs to take care of someone who needs more from me. I want to be someone’s safe space at the end of every day. The one they rush home to because they know as soon as they walk in that door,” he pointed behind him to the foyer and the front door beyond that, “I’ve got them. I’ll keep them safe, happy, and whole.”
Asher’s shoulder slumped. “That sounds… nice, I guess. But I don’t think… I mean, I don’t know if I can…” The boy sighed, obviously unable to voice what he was feeling or too confused to do so.
He clasped one of Asher’s hands in one of his own, scooting forward. “Asher, last night when I found the coloring books at your place…”
“That’s not—” Asher shook his head, his embarrassment showing in the pinking of his ears.
He held his hand up. “Let me just try to explain this in a way that might make the most sense to you, all right?”
Asher’s nod was jerky, but he sat and waited patiently for Thornton to continue.
“When you color in those coloring books, does it give you a sense of peace?” He watched Asher closely for a reaction, but the boy’s face still only showed confusion as he nodded.
“But I’m not a little boy when I do it.”
“I know you’re not. You don’t know anything about the lifestyle, so that wouldn’t be where your mind would automatically go.”
When Asher only shrugged, Thornton continued, “Okay, so maybe you had a stressful day at work, or something was making you feel really worried and unfocused. If you were to sit down when you were feeling that way and color in your coloring books, would all of that tension sort of slip away?”
Asher’s nod that time was more emphatic. “Yeah. That’s why I do it. I was over at Madi’s place playing with Gigi one time. I’d had a bad day, and I sat down, and Gigi asked me to color with her, so I did. And it made me happy, playing with her, but it was the coloring that made me feel better.”
Thornton squeezed Asher’s hand, nodding. “It kind of lets you stop worrying so much about whatever is stressing you out, I bet. Did you go find some for yourself after that?”
“No. Madi ordered a couple of adult ones for me online and a set of colored pencils. It felt silly, but I tried it when I got home one night, and now I do it a lot. I have stacks of finished ones at home. It’s silly, really, but I have a lot of anxiety, and sometimes it fills my head and makes it feel fuzzy, gives me migraines and stuff. So that’s one of the ways I can calm myself down.”
“What’s another way you calm yourself down?”
Asher shrugged. The hand Thornton held in his nearly pulled out of Thornton’s grip as a result, but a warmth filled his chest when Asher ensured it didn’t. “I do, like, meditation and I have a mantra. It’s stupid and doesn’t really work at all, but it lets me function enough…”
He clammed up at that, probably feeling as if he’d shared too much, but Thornton couldn’t let it go. “Function enough to what?”
Asher did pull his hand away that time and folded them in his lap where his gaze went. “Just function enough to get through things that are hard.”
He reached forward and placed his hand on Asher’s thigh, drawing the boy’s gaze to his. “What’s the hardest thing you go through on a daily basis?”
“Driving. Or even being driven places.” Asher couldn’t help but sigh, admitting, “But that’s only because I’ve found workarounds for most everything else.”
“Can you tell me about that?”
Chapter Nine
Asher
That was a good question. Could he tell Thornton about his fears? He hoped he could. He thought he could. But that didn’t make it easy. It didn’t make him want to flay himself open and spill his guts, but it did scare him just thinking about it, and wasn’t that just pathetic? He had fears about his fears.
Jesus, he was a basket case.
But was he a basket case in need of a Daddy? Now that he was having a hard time wrapping his mind around, because… What?! It all seemed very strange to him. A foreign concept he’d never thought of or even known existed. Sure, he’d heard things about BDSM and kinky stuff, but watching a few porn vids with a little slap and tickle was one thing. Talking to someone about it in real life was a whole ‘nother ball game.
Seeing it face to face in the form of a gorgeous, apparently brilliant, and ridiculously sweet pre-med student calling the man Asher had just had breakfast with Daddy was a punch to the solar plexus he didn’t think his ribs could handle. When Jimmy had been faced with Thornton possibly having a new boy, he’d smiled an utterly charming and absolutely genuine smile and wished them luck. Who did that?
Confident, brilliant pre-med students did apparently. And he was none of that. So it begged the question, if Jimmy wasn’t good enough for Thornton, how in the hell would Asher ever stand a chance? What on earth could a man as sophisticated, driven, mature, and so mouthwateringly sexy want with a twenty-four-year-old uneducated college dropout who could barely force himself to leave his apartment and go to work every day?
So many fucking questions he didn’t have the answers to, and he just didn’t have the energy for—
“Asher?”
Shit.
“Sorry, I… What?”
The patient smile he got from Thornton told him he’d missed the man’s question several times. “I asked if it would be all right if I sat on the sofa next to you while we talked.”
“Oh, yeah, sure.” He glanced to one side and was met with Beauty and Beast’s upturned faces. Beauty on the sofa beside him, her pretty face lifted for what he got the feeling was approval, so he couldn’t make her wait for it and reached out to pet her and scritch behind her ears. Beast was on the floor, standing sentry. Asher wasn’t sure if he was doing so for Beauty’s benefit or his own. If he had to guess he’d probably say both.
Petting them, he’d forgotten Thornton was going to move beside him until the sofa dipped on his other side. The man was more imposing than he’d thought. They hadn’t really sat so closely before, and everything about him was bigger. His legs were longer, his thighs thicker, his torso larger. It was overwhelming in a way, but in another, not so much.
Asher thought he might feel eclipsed by him. Hell, he was tiny compared to Thornton, but when the man lifted his arm and laid it on the back of the sofa behind him, surrounding him without even touching him at all, he felt a sense of calm settle over him he’d only ever felt in Thornton’s presence.
He didn’t know what that meant. Hell, he was afraid he was imagining it or wishing that feeling into being. He couldn’t say which was true or if they were both false. Doubts plagued him, which was par for the course. When weren’t doubts plaguing him? It was a wonder he got any sleep at night, but he supposed the drugs he took every night helped him with that.
He felt the sofa dip again and turned to see Thornton bring his knee up onto the cushion to face him, his arm still behind Asher along the back. Thornton’s other hand reached to clasp his, a gentle squeeze reminding him they were supposed to be talking. “Sorry.”
“Asher, I’m not going to force anything out
of you. If you don’t want to talk about it, we don’t have to.”
“It’s just… There isn’t much I don’t struggle with or fear. I’ve been known to jump at my own shadow.”
He was trying to make light of what was essentially his reality, but it fell flat, as jokes often did when they’re based on sad truths. He turned a little towards Thornton. The man’s earnest expression drew him in and somehow, against all odds, made him want to share his secrets. The ones that no one else knew. The ones he was often afraid to admit to himself.
“Start with something small. Something you struggle with that you’ve overcome.”
He scrunched his face up in frustration. “I don’t think I’ve overcome much of anything.”
“I doubt that’s true.”
Thornton couldn’t know because it was true. But all he did was shrug. “I fear crowds. I struggle being around a lot of strangers. It’s too much for me. I start to panic and shut down.”
“Where do you think that comes from?”
He pulled his hand from Thornton’s and rubbed both of his suddenly sweating palms along his pant legs. “My parents were…” He gazed across the room, then closed his eyes, trying to come up with the right word for them. One that wouldn’t give too much away. “Negligent. They were forgetful, easily distractible. They would take me places and forget I was there with them and leave me.”
He felt Thornton tense beside him and couldn’t stand the thought of his horror-stricken face, so he plowed on, wanting to get some of it out so Thornton would understand just how fucked up Asher was and they could stop talking about it. “So, once, when I was about four, maybe five, they took me to the mall around Christmastime—”
“Jesus, Asher—”
Just get it out. Get it out and get it over with. “So… Um, it was pretty busy on a Saturday afternoon, and I remember seeing Santa at the center of the mall and asking if I could meet him. I should have known better—”
“You were a child.”
Asher shook his head. “It wasn’t the first time, just one of the really bad ones.”
“Fuck.” Thornton brought the hand that was behind him on the couch to the back of his neck and squeezed, gently, just letting him know he was there. It was nice. It grounded him.
“They ignored me, so I turned to take another look, and when I turned back, they were gone. Maybe I thought Santa could help because I walked closer and got swallowed up by the crowd, I think. I don’t know. Some bits are fuzzy. Some are crystal clear. I’m pretty sure I drifted around for hours trying to find them. But I was short, and everyone else seemed so tall, and everything was moving really fast. I remember getting knocked into by shopping bags, women’s purses, other kids. It was pretty scary.”
“Sweetheart.”
He shook his head, not even sure why, and continued, “The mall was so big. It was two floors. I tried to remember where they said they were going to go, but I couldn’t. But I knew my mom liked those warm, freshly baked cookies they had in the food court because I loved them too, and sometimes she’d get us each one.” He laughed a nervous, self-deprecating laugh. “I hate them, now.”
Thornton’s fingers carded through the hair at the nape of his neck. “So when I saw the cookie place, I thought for sure I’d find them. But I didn’t. I sat down close to it, though, and waited, almost positive they’d eventually come because they’d know I’d go there. They didn’t. People kept approaching me, asking if I was okay. I think I was probably crying a lot. But they were strangers, and I wasn’t allowed to talk to strangers. Kids aren’t supposed to talk to strangers.”
“Shh, Asher. Shh. You’re shaking, sweetheart.” He was? He felt strangely empty. “Come here.”
He felt himself being lifted and ignored the little stab of pain in his ribs because then he felt protected, surrounded by warmth. Realizing he was on Thornton’s lap made his body go lax, and he rested his head against Thornton’s chest as he continued, unable to stop now he’d started. “Hours passed. I know because when we’d gotten there it was daylight, and when I passed by one of the exits, I could see out the windows that it was completely dark outside.”
Thornton rubbed his hands up and down Asher’s back. “I was hungry and scared, and I had to go to the bathroom. So I wandered down one of those long hallways that has the restroom signs outside of it. I used the bathroom, and then when I came out, I just remember being exhausted. So tired I didn’t want to move. There was a little alcove just behind the bathrooms, and I huddled into it and sat down and eventually fell asleep.”
“Goddammit, baby.”
“A woman found me as she was coming out of the family restroom with her own kids. I think her little girl pointed me out. Anyway, she took me to mall security, who called the cops. I could remember my parents’ names and my last name, but I guess I was too young to remember their phone numbers or our address.”
He sighed, tired suddenly. “They took me to the police station. And when my parents finally remembered me and went to the mall looking for me, mall security must have sent them there because they came to pick me up with stories of me running off and them looking all over the mall for me.”
“Jesus, and the cops believed them?”
He shrugged, his movement hindered by pain, and he felt Thornton’s arms wrap around him. “They were charismatic, larger than life. They could spin a tale, and people would be hooked. By the time the cops released me into their care, they were laughing and joking with my mom and dad.”
“That’s fucking awful, Asher. I’m so sorry. I hate that you had to go through that. You should be able to trust your parents.”
He shrugged again because really, what else could he do? “So, all that’s to say I hate crowds and don’t like being around strangers.”
“That’s understandable. And you’ve overcome—”
He gave a quick jerk of his head, denying that. “I haven’t overcome anything, Thornton. Don’t you see? I don’t go to malls, or theme parks, or regular parks… You don’t know how hard it was, being in that hospital.”
Thornton made a dismayed sound in his throat. “Did they… Were there more…?”
“Times they left me? Sure. They left me at our local park several times. But I knew my way home from there, so I’d just walk home, and they’d show up eventually.”
He felt a kiss on the top of his head. “I think the worst one was when my dad’s job gave their workers free tickets to a water park.”
“No. Oh, Asher.”
“Somehow, we got separated on one of those kid water structures with all the different slides. Or maybe they just walked away thinking I’d be entertained. I dunno. When I realized they weren’t there, I started looking around for them, but god, that place was huge. It was hours before I finally stopped a worker and told them what happened. They’d put my shoes and shirt in a locker, so by that time my feet were raw and bleeding, and I had the worst sunburn. They had to have the medics come take care of me because I was dehydrated, and then the cops came. I was six at the time, so I knew my address and phone number. But it was still hours before my parents finally picked me up.”
“Jesus. I don’t even know what to say, Asher. I’m so sorry. I can understand why you might not like being in huge crowds of people.”
He pulled away and met Thornton’s gaze, pleading with his eyes. He had to explain it wasn’t that simple. “It’s not just huge crowds. Look, you said you wanted to date me, but you don’t know—you can’t possibly understand who I really am.”
“I want to know who you really are. Dating you will help us get to know each other, Asher.”
Frustrated, he huffed out an incredulous laugh. “There is no dating me, Thornton. The real me avoids leaving his house unless it’s to go to work. The real me can’t go out on dates like a normal person. A crowded restaurant? A packed movie theater? Jesus, I can’t go shopping in the supermarket or on a walk in the park. I had to close my eyes and turn the volume on your phone to blast while you s
teered me through the hospital to get to your car. And then the drive home—Jesus, I can’t… I can’t…”
“Shh, shh, baby. You’re okay.”
He hadn’t realized he’d been crying until Thornton was brushing away his tears and leaning down ever so slowly to kiss them away. His breath caught in his chest. He wanted more of those lips, but he couldn’t let Thornton misunderstand. Pushing Thornton back was both harder and easier than he’d thought it would be. Harder because he didn’t want to do it in the first place. And easier because the slightest pressure on the man’s chest, and he was releasing Asher completely and leaning far enough away to show Asher his hands, palm up, as if Asher was afraid Thornton would hurt him or force more contact.
His shoulders slumped at that. He didn’t want to make Thornton wary to touch him; he just wanted him to understand what he’d come to realize over the last twenty-four hours. There was no way they’d be able to work out. He’d thought—hoped—maybe they’d find a way. He’d convinced himself he’d somehow make it work if he just wanted it enough, but after talking about his bullshit craziness, that hope went out the window.
He took a deep breath and shook his head. “But that’s just it. I’m not okay, Thornton. Let’s not pretend I am. This… This can’t possibly work between us. You have a life, a busy, full life outside these walls, and I’m one marble shy of losing it completely and becoming a complete recluse.”
“That’s not true. You’re so strong, Asher. You have a career you love and friends—”
He snorted a laugh. “A friend. One.”
“You have Madi and Gigi. Hell, from the way you were talking about your boss, it sounds like you can probably consider her a friend as well. And now you’ve got me, Syed, and Damon.”
“I just met the three of you. That doesn’t count.”
“I count, Asher. I count as a friend to you. Hopefully, you’ll eventually feel the same.” The crease of Thornton’s brow when he frowned made him feel guilty.
Fuck.
His shoulders slumped, sad that he’d hurt this beautiful man. “You do count. I’m sorry. I just… I’m not normal, Thornton.”