Dreamspinner Press Year Seven Greatest Hits

by K. C. Wells

  “I’m not Catholic,” I said lamely.

  “Matt, I’m not sure you know who you are or what you want. We are good together. We have fun. I love being with you. I won’t lie. But my problem is that I’m becoming a little too attached to someone with too much baggage. I told you I like to travel lightly.”

  “You aren’t making any sense.” I stood up to pace again. I was too agitated to sit still. “I’m sorry I freaked out. You’re right. I had a moment where I realized I didn’t want to be at the fucking mall because I hate the fucking mall, but there I was. With you. Because I wanted to be with you more than I didn’t want to be there. And yeah, it scared me. It felt couple-y.” He shot me a frustrated look. “But I liked it, Aaron. I… we just hadn’t talked about any of it. And then, out of the blue, there’s Kristin! I’m sorry I didn’t tell her you were special to me. I was tongue-tied and stupid and I’m sorry. I freaked.”

  Silence. I waited for him to speak. I had apologized, so I figured the ball was in his court. I sat back down.

  “I can’t take a chance, Matt. I’m sorry too.”

  “What do you mean? Aar, please. What do you want me to do? I… I want you, I want us. I’m in virgin territory here, babe. Do you want me to publicly announce I’m dating a man? Which opens a whole other set of questions for me. Are we dating? Just lovers? What do you want from us?”

  “Nothing, Matt.”

  “Aar, you can’t mean that. I’m sorry for Sunday. A million times over. Please.”

  “Don’t you get it? It isn’t just about Sunday! Matt, you say you want us, but come on! You looked visibly sick when you ran into your ex. I think you need some space to figure out what you want in your future. I’m the first guy you’ve ever been with. I don’t want to think this hasn’t meant anything to you, but maybe you need something more familiar.”

  “What? Kristin? I don’t want her. I don’t want a different girl, nor do I want to experiment with other guys. I’ve been with another guy before. I want you, Aaron. Only you.”

  He let out a deep breath and turned to face me. There was a tear on his eyelash.

  “I won’t settle anymore. I get that life doesn’t come with guarantees, but I want something that looks like it could be the real thing. I don’t want to be someone’s dirty secret. I want the man I’m with to be proud to be with me. You can’t give me what I need, Matt. I don’t think it’s because you don’t want to. I just don’t think you’re ready.”

  Tears were rolling down his face in earnest now. I leapt to his side to comfort him, to tell him he was being crazy, to fight for my cause. He put his arm up to shield my advance and shot to his feet.

  “Please go, Matt.” He turned, walked to the front door, and held it open for me to leave.

  My heart was in my throat. I didn’t know what to say. He was breaking my heart. So I told him the truth.

  “Aaron. I love you.”

  His head snapped up.

  “Matt….”

  “I do, Aaron. I’ve never felt this way about anyone. I know.”

  I probably sounded a little manic. It was how I felt. Crazy. And yet somehow sure that I was absolutely telling the truth.

  He didn’t look convinced. In fact, he seemed upset.

  “Matt, go. You don’t know what you’re saying. Please, just go.”

  The look on his face was heart wrenching, and it killed me to know I had something to do with putting it there.

  “Look, I’ll go now, but Aaron… I’m serious, and somehow, some way I’ll prove it to you. You… matter. This matters.”

  I kissed him quickly on the cheek and left before I could say anything else. I needed to retreat and figure out how to convince him that what I said was true. I was in love with him.

  EASIER said than done. Aaron wouldn’t accept my phone calls, and stalking him was just plain creepy. I decided to enlist Curt’s help. His advice hadn’t exactly worked for me yet, but it was sound nonetheless. And at this point, it certainly couldn’t hurt.

  “What you need to do is wow him.”

  “Huh? How?”

  We were at a dive bar near our apartment. I didn’t want to go into the whole story when Dave got back from work, so I asked Curt to meet me for a beer.

  “Matt, you are so dense sometimes. What does your instinct tell you to do? You know him better than me. Christ! What does he like to do? Where does he like to go? Suppose we were talking about a girl, what would you do?”

  “We aren’t talking about a girl, asshole. Geez, he likes to dance, he likes to run, he loves romantic movies with happy endings, he’s a great cook, he loves his friends, his family…. How does any of this help me?”

  “Well, I don’t know exactly, but maybe it would be a good idea to enlist his best friend to help your cause. He might be able to help make something happen, or encourage him to listen to you. Do you think he would?”

  “I don’t know. I guess it’s worth a shot. Aaron’s giving me the silent treatment.” I took a long swig of my beer before I continued. “Curt, I’m a fucking mess. He’s all I can think about. I can’t sleep, I can barely concentrate at school and work. Shit! I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

  “Love?” He looked at me like he knew I would pounce on that one little word and kick his ass for even mentioning it. When I didn’t, his eyebrows shot comically up to his hairline. “You’re in love?”

  I shrugged. Yeah, and it was definitely not all hearts and roses, if my current sad-sack condition was any evidence.

  “Well, if that’s the case, man, make it big. Who’s his best friend? Maybe he’ll help you out.”

  The thing was, I wasn’t sure Jay would help me. My guess was he would protect Aaron from me, assuming I would unintentionally hurt him. Peter, on the other hand, might help me get to him through Jay. It was worth a try.

  GETTING in touch with Peter would be the tricky part. I knew the firm he worked for, but little else. If they asked any questions about departments or gave me a chain of voice mails, I could be screwed. I placed a call the following morning in between classes. The number was a general one, which thankfully led me to Peter Morgan’s secretary in just four call transfers. She was very polite, told me Mr. Morgan was currently out of the office, but she would leave him a message. I didn’t want to risk that Peter wouldn’t know who I was, especially since I was contacting him at work and this was personal. I asked for his direct voice mail when she told me she couldn’t give out his private cell phone number. When I hung up, I felt pretty good. Hell, it was better than nothing.

  I had a message waiting for me when I got out of class. It was Peter.

  “Hi, Matt. Peter returning your call. Give me a call.”

  The tone of the message was businesslike, but the fact he returned my call at all seemed like a positive. Whatever. I couldn’t afford to waste time overthinking. I called him back immediately.

  “Peter Morgan” came the brisk reply on the first ring.

  “Hi, Peter. This is Matt Sullivan. Thanks for calling back.”

  “Hey, Matt. What can I do for you?”

  “Um, well, this is a little awkward….” I really hadn’t thought how to phrase my request.

  “It’s Aaron, right?”

  “Yeah, I….”

  “I can’t really talk at the moment, but why don’t you meet me at the Old Regent for a drink at five. You free?”

  “Yes, I’ll be there.”

  “Great. See you then.”

  Step one accomplished. Now I had to figure out how to get him to help me.

  I ARRIVED at the Old Regent ten minutes early and found a seat at a high table for two. It would give us a little privacy, which was a bonus. The bar Peter had chosen was very high-end and catered to well-known politicians and lobbyists. I was glad I’d come from work so I was at least dressed for the upscale atmosphere. The heavy oak paneling and crystal chandeliers were old-money posh. Elaborate floral arrangements told me I wasn’t in a “normal” bar. My usual student attire
would have made me feel out of place amongst the super elite DC after-work crowd. I needed a boost to my confidence, no matter how shallow the means.

  I had just ordered a vodka martini when I caught sight of Peter with his phone pressed to his ear, pacing just outside the entrance. He spotted me and held up a hand in greeting, also indicating he might be stuck on the phone a bit longer. I nodded in response. Peter was every bit the well-heeled businessman in his expensively tailored suit and elegant air. The guy had most likely just put in a ten-plus-hour day even though it was only 5:00 p.m., but he still looked sharp. The sexy afternoon stubble didn’t hurt matters either. The man was stunning. Gay or straight, it couldn’t be denied.

  “Sorry about that. Client.” He shook my hand and signaled to the waiter with the other.

  “No problem. Thank you for meeting me.”

  “So… Aaron?”

  “Yeah. How did you guess?”

  Peter’s eyes twinkled with amusement and a wry smile.

  “Jay is my partner. Aaron is his best friend. Those two are like… well, never mind. Let’s just say, Jay and I have been together for a few years now, so I know that if something is bothering one of them, the other will know all about it.”

  “So you already know?”

  “I try not to pay too much attention, but either way, what is it I can help you with?”

  In other words, man up, cards on the table, Matt. I took a deep breath and asked for help.

  “What do you want me to do, exactly?” He hadn’t refused, which was good, but I didn’t know what I wanted him to do, exactly.

  “I need to convince him somehow, right? You just told me how tight he and Jay are. Can you persuade Jay to convince Aaron to at least hear me out?”

  “Maybe. Jay isn’t exactly a pushover. He won’t help just because I ask if he’s truly concerned you’re a danger to Aaron. I mean emotionally, of course. He’ll help if he thinks it’s in Aaron’s best interest, but honestly, Matt, I’m not sure how to play that one. I’ve been with women too, and I understand that sexuality isn’t cut and dry. Aaron and Jay aren’t as giving on the idea. I think Aaron is afraid of being an experiment to you. So this is a tough one.”

  “I get that, but it’s not true. I… I tried to tell him. I’ve never felt this way about anyone. Any girl, any guy… this is different. I won’t change my mind.”

  We were both silent for a few minutes. A piano man sat at the baby grand in the corner of the bar and ran his hands over the keys, warming up to perform for the after-work crowd. Inspiration struck like a bolt out of the blue. I knew exactly what I needed to do, but I still needed Peter’s help.

  We discussed my plan over a second cocktail before shaking hands and parting ways. For the first time in days, I had a feeling I could win Aaron back. I practically skipped to my car. Things were looking up.

  OF COURSE, nothing was ever easy. Peter sent me a text message, having to delay my plan due to work travel. I couldn’t really fault his priorities, but I was anxious. Each day that went by, my initial excitement wore thin. I was beginning to despair. And people were beginning to notice. My roommates gave me a wide berth and exchanged bewildered looks. I hadn’t shared anything more with Curt, and I think he was losing patience with my moodiness. Finally, Dave confronted me.

  “I’m staging an intervention. What the fuck is your problem? You’ve been like a chick on her period for weeks! Did you break up with your mystery girlfriend? Fail a class? Something at work? What is it?”

  Jason was over too. He had come be to watch a baseball game with the guys. Beer bottles were already littering our ancient, stained coffee table. I had had a beer with them and was about to retire to my room to study when Dave called me out. He was right. I was moody and out of sorts. It wasn’t a wonder they would notice. Curt hadn’t said anything to them, and he didn’t know anything new. I’m sure he was equally curious about what the fuck was up with me.

  I turned back to join them in the living room. It was confession time. I couldn’t take the duplicity or lies of omission any longer. If they were disgusted or couldn’t understand, I’d just have to deal with the fallout.

  “I apologize for being an ass. I’ve been distracted.” I swiped my hand through my hair distractedly.

  “Yeah, dickhead. We get that. What’s the prob?”

  “I met someone who means a lot to me, and things got complicated. I’m trying to work it out but it isn’t going well.” Shit, I still sounded evasive even to my own ears. I shrugged and started picking at the label on my empty beer bottle.

  “Erin? Isn’t that her name? We haven’t even met her. Did she dump you or something?”

  “Yeah. But it’s Aaron with an A.”

  Dave and Jason just stared at me with matching blank expressions, most likely puzzled as to why I would think they would care even remotely how a girl spelled her name. Curt, however, sputtered his beer and was busy choking. He got what I was doing.

  “Aaron is a guy.”

  The baseball announcer’s voice, excitedly reporting a line drive to third, was the only sound in the room. Dave and Jason wore incredulous expressions, and Curt looked pretty damned surprised. Guess he didn’t think I had it in me.

  I had wondered how it would go down… this big reveal. Would it be met with congratulations and have its own soundtrack playing in the background? Some song from the disco era claiming me as a new and welcome member of the gay community? Maybe that Gloria Gaynor song. All the gay men I knew, including Curt, loved that song. “I Will Survive.” Rather fitting, actually.

  Reality wasn’t so rainbow colored. In fact, it was kind of anticlimactic. No soundtrack, just the sounds of baseball on the television mixed with an increasingly uncomfortable quiet. I waited a minute or two longer before the silence threatened to unnerve me.

  “Well? Aren’t you going to say anything?”

  “Uh, yeah… are you punkin’ us? What’s going on?” Dave asked once he found his voice.

  “No, I’m serious. You guys actually did meet him, but it’s been a while. I met him at Club Indigo last year.” Their faces were blank. Probably still in shock, I guessed. “The four of us went dancing. We went with Curt. Look, it doesn’t matter. You wouldn’t remember. We didn’t start seeing each other anyway until earlier this year after I broke up with Kristin.”

  More silence.

  “Guys… I know this is weird, but I’m still me. Nothing’s changed other than Aaron won’t fucking return my calls. But me? I’m still Matt.”

  More silence. Curt finally took pity on me and spoke up.

  “We know you’re still you, Matt. You guys good?”

  “Fuck. Well, yeah. Sure. I’m just fucking shocked. Surprised.” Dave shook his head, as though literally trying to wrap his head around a new concept.

  “Yeah, man. But, I don’t really get it. You’ve only dated girls the whole time we’ve known you. Are you just going through a phase, like bi-curious or whatever they call it? You know, something you want to try so you can say ‘been there, done that’? Don’t get me wrong, I have no problem with gays. We hang out with this loser.” Jason slung a friendly arm over Curt’s shoulder and mussed his hair.

  “I know it may seem weird. And no, I haven’t ever dated a guy before. I just think I found the right person, and in my case, it turned out to be a guy, not a girl.”

  “So, you’re gay for him?” Dave looked proud of himself, like maybe he was showing some sign of hipness.

  “No, well, maybe. I’ve always been this way. I’m bi, if we have to put a label out there. I’ve been attracted to men in the past, but I’ve also been attracted to women. Because I found women attractive, I just stayed the course there. It was easier. Expected. And I never met a guy I wanted to be with badly enough. Not until I met Aaron.”

  “So, what happened? He broke up with you? Were you boyfriends?” Dave asked.

  “We weren’t boyfriends exactly. I mean, we never said that’s what we were, but I… I don’t know
how to explain it. I just fell for him and then I freaked about feeling that way about a man. He couldn’t deal with the freak-out.”

  Dave and Jason nodded sympathetically. I don’t think they knew how to respond, but it was nice that they were trying.

  “Matt’s trying to convince Aaron that he’s over the freak session and wants to be with him. Which is probably why he’s been a bear to live with recently. Am I right, Matt?” Curt asked in that overly perceptive way of his.

  “Yeah. Basically that’s it in a nutshell. I have a game plan, but I’m waiting for my reinforcement to get back in town.”

  I briefed them on my strategy. Curt smiled broadly while Dave and Jason nodded slowly in agreement.

  “We’ll help too. What do you want us to do?” Dave asked. I would have fallen out of my chair, had I been sitting.

  “Thanks for offering, man. I totally appreciate it, but I think it’s something I need to do alone.”

  “Well, good luck, then. Bring him around sometime. Or are you embarrassed of Curt here?” Dave asked, tossing a pillow at Curt’s head.

  “If he agrees to see me again, then yes. I will. He’s cool. Kinda quirky but funny, you know? I think you’d like him if you gave him a chance. He doesn’t like sports or hanging out drinking beers all afternoon. But he’s great.” I was rambling. A glance at my buddies told me so.

  “Dude. You are gone. Who cares if he likes sports? Not everyone does. Chelsea doesn’t.” Jason looked uncomfortable before asking, “Does Kristin know? I’m just curious. Who does know?”

  “You guys. No one else. I’m good to go public now, though. It may persuade him that I’m serious. Kristin never knew because there wasn’t a reason to say anything. Although we ran into her at the mall and I messed up a great opportunity to, you know….”

  “‘Come out’,” Curt supplied, complete with air quotes.

  “Yeah. My head wasn’t in the right place. I’m ready now, though.”

  “Cool.” They looked sincere. The relief was intense.

  “Thanks, you guys. This means a lot to me.”