by Alora Kate
I knew Lincoln wasn’t going to hurt me and I think at some point I might have felt safe but I was losing my grip on reality. I was slipping inside myself. I was going to my happy place, and I wanted to go there, now.
My body was shutting down, protecting itself, and I was going somewhere I knew once felt like home.
For almost three years it was the closest feeling I could get to home. My body would always take over and protect me. I was lonely but never scared, even though I was surrounded by nothing but the darkness. I never fought it, for three years I never fought it. It was better than the alternative.
My body curled into a ball when he set me on the couch, and my world was almost black. It had a mind of its own, but I knew it was taking care of me.
“Watch her,” I heard Lincoln tell his sister. “I need to go find Mike.”
Mike. My brother.
I could no longer feel them now.
Either of them.
I saw no bright colors.
I smelled nothing.
I let the darkness consume me.
###
“Can I touch you, Ashton?” I was lying in bed on my right side facing Lincoln, who was mimicking my position facing me. His eyes were so bright.
The brightest blue I’d ever seen.
I know I haven’t seen them that many times
but they had never been this bright before.
I would remember that.
“What’s going on?” I asked confused.
My head hurt.
I couldn’t move.
I didn’t want to move.
Lincoln reached out and touched the side of my face. The good side. The side that wasn’t hideous; that wasn't damaged beyond repair.
I sucked in a breath of air at his touch and froze.
All my muscles clenched up, every single one of them, but I just laid there. He moved his thumb under my right eye and caught a tear.
He closed his eyes and whispered,
“Please don’t cry, Ash.”
Ash.
The longer his hand rested on the side of my face, the more my muscles started to relax. I was slowly beginning to feel them
unravel from the knots they were in.
His thumb strokes were slow and deliberate;
his hands were soft and warm.
His fingers were behind my ear
slowing massaging my head.
“I don’t know why I’m crying,” I confessed.
He opened his eyes and scanned my face. He never paused when he should have. He looked at me like there was nothing wrong with me.
Like he couldn’t see my scars.
When I had his attention again, he smiled. “Ash, you’re so beautiful.
I don’t like it when you’re hurt.
Why are you crying?”
I cried even more. I felt the tears run down my cheek;
his thumb couldn’t keep up with them.
“Don’t say that, Linc.
Please don’t ever say that again,” I whispered.
This was really weird. I’d never lay here in bed with him, let alone let him see me like this. What was going on? Had I finally gone crazy?
“Ash, please don’t cry. It hurts me to see you cry,” he kept whispering, and he sounded so sad. So, distraught. A part of me felt like he did care.
We continued to stare at each other. Every time he asked me not to cry, I cried harder. The more I cried, the harder the tears came out. Something was happening inside of me, but before I could start to analyze it, Lincoln’s blue eyes started to fade.
“Where are you going?” I started to panic.
“Nowhere, Ash. I’m right here,” he said as his eyes were slowly turning black. “If you want me, I’m right here…” His voice sounded distorted, maybe further away, maybe deeper. Nothing felt right, everything felt so foreign to me.
“No, Linc. You’re leaving me!” I tried to move and I couldn’t.
We both seemed stuck the way we were.
He blinked his eyes a few times. They were almost pure black now. “I don’t want to leave, Ash.” He was so calm and kept holding me.
“Stay with me,” I begged. “Please, don’t leave me here. It’s too dark.
And it’s lonely. I’m so fucking lonely.”
He gripped my head a little tighter but it didn’t hurt.
“Tell me again, Ash. Tell me you want me to stay.”
I nodded. “Yes, Lincoln. Please stay with me.
I don’t want you to go.”
“All you have to do is ask, Ash. Whatever you want. Whatever you need. I’m here.” The blue was starting to break through the black in his eyes. It was like watching the sun peak out from behind a dark set of storm clouds. It was so beautiful.
I was sick of black. I wanted color back.
I wanted his radiating blue eyes shining on me again.
I felt electricity flow from his fingers and into me. It was warm and the more he wiped the tears away, the more seeped in and the hotter it got. I felt my insides start to melt. It kept pumping through me, flowing freely and I could feel it everywhere.
I was content and felt … felt … something … felt something I’ve never felt before. It was on the tip of my tongue, but I wasn’t sure what it was.
But I knew I liked it.
I wanted to feel like this all the time.
And at that moment, everything went black.
Pitch black.
I was home.
Lincoln
“What the fuck,” Mike hissed from Ashton’s bedroom door. I would feel the same way if I walked in on what he just did.
I couldn’t stand to see Ashton rocking herself in a protective ball on the couch. She was having a really bad panic attack, maybe something more, and it scared the shit out of me.
Mike wasn’t home, so I slipped a note under his door and told him to get to Ashton’s apartment as soon as possible.
I sent Nat away so she could put her luggage inside our apartment. Although I couldn’t see someone stealing her luggage, I did not want it sitting out in the hallway.
Nat used to have nightmares as a child. She didn’t have them often but when she did she was severely frightened. The only person that could calm her was me. I’d wrap her tight in my arms and talk to her. I’d tell her I scared the monsters away and she no longer had to be afraid. For some reason, I was the only one that could make the monsters disappear.
I was Nat’s hero.
Nat told me to do the same thing with Ashton. I knew it was probably wrong, but I wanted to help her if I could. Sitting around doing nothing wasn’t my style. She needed someone and Mike wasn’t available.
I picked her up and carried her into her room. I laid her in bed with her still wrapped up in my arms. It was dark in the room, and I pulled her glasses off after I pulled the sheet over us.
“Shhh. She’s sleeping,” I whispered to Mike as I felt Ashton grip me tighter. Her arms were around my waist, head buried in my chest. She’s done this a few times now and in return, I held her tighter and whispered in her ear that she wasn’t alone.
“I’m here now so you can go,” Mike informed me, but I wasn’t going anywhere.
I didn’t want to leave. I was quite comfortable and the grip she had on me was strong. I doubt she would let go at this point. It had been a long time since I’ve held a woman in my arms. Even under the circumstances, this felt right to me. “I tried. She won’t let me go. I think she’s having a nightmare.”
Ashton snuggled closer, which I wasn’t sure was even possible but she did. Then she let out a sigh.
Mike came up to the bed and leaned in. “Where the fuck are her glasses!”
If he wakes her up; we’ve got problems. To answer his question, I pointed to the nightstand.
“This is not good. Don’t look at her, especially her face, Lincoln. I’m telling you she’s gonna freak the fuck out wh
en she wakes up.” He started pacing the room. “Shit. Shit. Shit. I’m never here when she needs me. God damn it!” I could tell he was raking his hands through his short hair and pacing at the end of the bed.
“Mike dude, seriously. You wake her up and I’ll kick your ass.”
She needed the sleep and considering she only been out about thirty minutes, he needed to chill the fuck out and let her rest.
He stopped and glared at me. His face was tense and when he spoke, he barely opened his mouth. “She’s my sister. My baby sister. You don’t know anything, and I’m telling you, Lincoln, this is not good man. Fuck, I’m worried about her.” He ended on a soft note and sat down on the other side of the bed.
He dropped his head in his hands, and his shoulders began to shake.
It was mellow, but I knew Mike was crying. I wasn’t going to say anything. He needed to deal with his emotions and get himself together before she woke up. We could deal with the consequences after she woke up.
I also wouldn’t look at her face. As much as I wanted to know, I would respect her privacy. I mean, I shouldn’t be here anyway. But what kind of man would I be if I did nothing?
I was going to lay here and hold Ashton until she woke up.
Nick would have to handle the club on his own.
Ashton needed me.
Chapter 7 - Ashton
As I drifted awake, silence greeted me, letting me know that it was before my nine a.m alarm. I laid still, not wanting to get up anyway. It’s rare that Mike stays all night with me but yesterday was difficult, and I was happy I had him. It might seem weird for a twenty-four-year-old to be in the same bed as her older brother but it was purely for my own sanity. He was taking care of me. He’s here when I needed him and sometimes I needed him more often than not. Not only am I safe but I feel loved.
He’s all I have left.
Our parents passed away two years ago. They were hit by a drunk driver, one mile from home. I locked myself in my room until I had to move. I didn’t even go to their funeral; I just didn’t know how to cope with their loss. I’m a horrible daughter, but I couldn’t deal with it. I was a little lost that week, but I knew my parents would understand. They had always been so kind and patient with me since I was returned home. They had never stopped looking for me. They never gave up on finding me because they knew in their hearts that I was still alive
I was thankful I had those four years with them after I was rescued.
It was a hard adjustment for me to move from our family home to this apartment. Mike, along with Suzanne’s help, made it a little easier, though. The apartment building was only about thirty minutes from where we had grown up. My mom used to drive me to my appointments with Suzanne. It was hard being in a vehicle but as the months and years passed, it got easier. I would listen to music or read; anything to keep my focus off the fact I was in a vehicle.
After the move, I could walk to Suzanne’s office. It was one of the times in my life I had felt luck was on my side. I didn’t think I was ready, but I forced myself that first Monday to go; I needed Suzanne, so I had no choice.
Suzanne is the only person who knows everything about me. I didn’t have the heart to tell my parents or my brother. They didn’t need to know everything. They worried enough and I didn’t want those images or thoughts to haunt them like they do me. There was no point, nothing could have been done to change what happened to me those three years I was gone.
I told the only person I could. I know this is why Suzanne is so important to me. She doesn’t treat me different or look at me funny. She doesn’t pity me either.
She tells me all the time she forgets that I have scars; like she can’t see them anymore.
But most importantly she pushes me and as much as I complain, I know its best.
She’s more than just my therapist.
His calm beating heart was all I could hear in the room. The rhythm was soothing, and a small smile hit my lips. I took a deep breath in and let it out slowly.
I had been dreaming of Lincoln. I don’t remember what it was about, but I remember seeing his face and his blue eyes before it went dark. I’m surprised I even had a dream; usually, I don’t because I live and sleep in the darkness.
I shifted my right arm to prevent it from being sore in the morning. Then I adjusted my leg a little to get an idea of what’s going on. Both legs felt tangled up with his. My left arm was lying across his waist and my head was tucked into his chest.
Normally Mike and I don’t spoon and I kind of feel like I’m spooning right now.
I needed to move and I tried, but then what happened earlier hit me.
I had passed out. His sister. Oh God, Linc’s sister was there. Then Linc showed up.
I rubbed my head into Mike’s chest. I wasn’t wearing my glasses. I don’t when I sleep but what if they had fallen off during my panic attack? Did they see my face?
No, Mike wouldn’t let that happen. He would have protected me. But still, this is embarrassing. How am I going to explain it to them so they don’t think I’m a freak?
Wait, I am a freak.
I should have been able to keep it together. Natalie was being nice. She talked too much, but she was nice. I liked her colors. Bright colors. She was surrounded by them.
The energy. Her energy! I liked her energy more. Now I was curious. I wanted to see them again.
“Shhh Ashton, you’re ok,” Mike whispered, and I felt his hand on my back. I stilled and squeezed my eyes shut as hard as I could.
This wasn’t Mike.
This wasn’t Mike!
My breathing became erratic as I kept my eyes closed tight, and pulled my hands to my face.
“You’re safe. I got you,” he continued to whisper as his hand rubbed my back.
Why the hell am I in bed with Lincoln?
I’m having a nightmare.
That’s what this is.
A nightmare.
This isn’t real.
Just breathe.
In.
Out.
In.
Out.
His hand kept rubbing my back and it felt real and gentle. Was he trying to relieve my stress? Calm me down? If this were a nightmare, then he wouldn’t be making me feel this way.
What do I do?
Breathe.
Breathe.
Breathe.
That probably was the best thing to do.
“I got you,” he said a little louder this time. “I promise you’re okay, Ashton.”
I found my voice, it wasn’t much but it worked. “What do you mean?”
“I won’t look, I haven’t. I didn’t see anything.” He let out a sigh. “Mike told me you wouldn’t handle this well, waking up with me let alone not wearing your glasses. I tried to leave you but you wouldn’t let me.” He kept rubbing my back. “You wouldn’t let me go, so I stayed. Mike’s on the couch. You’re safe. Please, just know you’re okay.”
Mike’s always been my comfort zone. He’s my healer. He knows me, he knows my triggers, and he’s the only one that gets to comfort me.
This was wrong, very wrong but at the same time, I wasn’t moving. I took another deep breath in and out.
Why wasn’t I running away?
“Are you okay?” he asked and I felt his body start to move. I held my head tighter in my hands. “Don’t move,” I whimpered. “I should be running away from you or kicking your ass for being in my bed, but for some reason, I can’t move.”
“Okay.”
Move.
Move.
Move.
“I need to know the time,” I said and felt his head tilt slightly away from me.
“What the fuck,” he mumbled.
“Oh God, what’s wrong?” I asked into my hands. “Is it the clock? Did it break? Linc, I need to know what time it is!”
“Shit Ashton, I’m sorry. It’s a little after three a.m.” I felt his head dip back
down and he hugged me harder. “I’m sorry. I didn’t think it was this late. Or early. It just caught me off guard.”
He sounded so sincere, I believed him.
Talk to him.
Distract yourself.
“Why were you caught off guard?” I asked curiously, but more for my benefit. I needed to know why I was allowing myself to just lay here in this bed with him. Maybe I’d finally went crazy. Beyond crazy.
“We’ve been like this all day but the last time I looked it was around nine p.m. I’m pretty sure I fell asleep soon after that which means I slept longer than four hours. I never sleep longer than four hours. I haven’t since my…well, for a very long time.”
“You must have been tired.” With those words, I was rewarded with the most beautiful sound I’ve ever heard. I wasn’t sure what was so funny, but Lincoln laughed. His whole body vibrated against me softly. It was like music to my ears. I couldn’t explain it really because I’m not good with details but it almost made me want to laugh with him. Like his laugh was contagious.
I made him laugh. Me! I did that.
I didn’t say anything funny, though.
I shook my head at myself.
This isn’t me. I don’t make people laugh, I’m not funny.
This couldn’t be real.
It’s real.
I wanted to make people laugh. I wanted to wake up in the arms of a man who cared for me, loved me, and thought I was beautiful. I wanted all those things, but I knew it wasn’t possible. I wouldn’t have that kind of life.
I’m a freak.
A fucked-up freak with so many issues, issues even I can’t handle so why would he be able to? Why would anyone want to deal with me?
After everything I’ve experienced, I knew I could never actually be normal. I came to terms with that a long time ago. But maybe just maybe, there’s a piece of normal out there that I could be. Like a fucked up, scarred, broken, damaged woman with too much anxiety and control issues kind of normal.
I hate the way my brain works.
I hate the way stupid things seem real and logical to me.