by Alora Kate
The buzzer went off, and Suzanne stood. “Here we go.”
My stomach dropped and my heart raced. I ran my hand through my hair a few times and scooted over to the end of the couch, so she wasn’t forced to sit next to me.
I couldn’t even look at her when she walked in because I could feel her anger already rolling into the room. “Why are you here?”
“Let’s sit,” Suzanne said answering for me.
I looked up and saw Ashton toss her glasses onto the coffee table, but she didn’t sit. She went behind the couch and started to pace.
“Or don’t,” Suzanne said, sitting back down in her chair, crossing her legs waiting for her reaction.
This was a bad idea.
“You’re a total stalker, Linc.”
Still facing Suzanne, I replied, “I know.”
My knee started to bounce. My hands shook and my heart raced faster than I thought possible. I even think I started to sweat.
I felt her presence behind me; then she lowered her voice. “Why are you here?”
I slowly twisted around so we were nose to nose. “I’m here for you.”
“You sure are,” she hissed, pushed off the back of the couch, and walked around it. She sat down and pulled her legs up to her chest.
“Good Morning, Ashton,” Suzanne said, making eye contact.
She huffed, “Figures you’d be in on this.”
“He just wants to talk to you and I think you should listen.”
“Did you tell her everything?” I nodded and she gave her attention back to Suzanne. “Then you already know what’s going on, Suzanne; I don’t want to repeat it.”
“I’d like to hear it from you,” she said not backing down, tossing the notebook on the coffee table giving Ashton all the attention she needed. “Tell me why you won’t give Lincoln a chance.”
Ashton started hitting her forehead on the top of her knees. “I,” she tapped her head, “Can’t,” another tap, “Have.” tap, “Sex.”
“Why not?” Suzanne asked, and Ashton stopped tapping her head. If she could, Ashton would shoot red laser lights out of her eyes for asking such a stupid question and burn Suzanne where she sat.
Realizing I was stupid and that I should leave, I tried to stand and Suzanne ordered me to sit back down. She wasn’t smiling either so I slowly sat back down, refusing to look at Ashton.
“Push. Push. Push,” Suzanne said slowly to Ashton and I knew I should just sit here and keep my mouth shut.
“He doesn’t know everything Suzanne, and I won’t tell him.”
“You showed him your body and in a way, showed him your soul. So,” Suzanne paused, and when Ashton said nothing she finished, “why is sex not an option?”
I looked after a few seconds of silence. Ashton hugged her head and curled into herself refusing to speak, so I slid over and put an arm around her and told Suzanne, “I can assume what happened, she doesn’t have to tell me.”
I heard Ashton mumbling to herself and then she turned her head to look at me through her arm. “Thank you.”
I gave her a small smile. “I’m not going anywhere.”
“Well, I can’t move.”
I chuckled at her words and knew she was making a joke while I ran my hand up and down her back slowly trying to relax her. “I’d like to date you, Ashton.”
This time she gave me a sarcastic laugh and dared a glance at Suzanne, who was still giving all her attention to us.
“You confuse me so much, Linc,” she finally said.
“That’s what happens in all relationships,” I replied.
“You really want to date me?”
I reached up and encouraged her to turn my way by putting my hand on the side of her head. It was now or never. It was time to put myself completely out there. No turning back.
“I’m falling in love with you, Ash; and if you let me love you, let me in, I know that I could breathe life into you again.”
“You still want to be my light?” she asked softly, remembering what I had told her and at that moment, I might have just fallen completely in love with her.
“Always,” I whispered, watching her eyes start to water.
I reached up for her hand and she gave it to me. “As much as you think you’re in control, you aren’t. You’re letting the past control you. You’re still living those moments in time, and they’re preventing you from moving on. We can make new moments, new memories that will be so great that you’ll live a little easier and breathe a little better because you deserve it. You deserve to have a great life. A life I hope you’ll let me be part of.”
She dropped her legs and came at me, slowly pushing her lips to mine. My hand went to the back of her head, and I held her there, kissing her, promising her that’d I’d take care of her.
But as quick as it happened, it was quick to end.
She slowly pulled away and just couldn’t stop thinking about it. “Your girl… can’t have sex.” She laid her head on my chest and I looked up at Suzanne. Tears had wet her cheeks and she didn’t even care to wipe them away.
“Ashton,” Suzanne said through her sadness that I knew was more happiness than anything, “Can’t this be one of those moments?”
“What?” she said into my chest, not moving.
“Let this moment define you. Let the shower moment define you. The mirror,” she said sitting forward in her chair. “Let them all define you. It’s time to turn your life around. You exist and live in a world you have no reason to be a part of. It’s time to step out into the light and grow, Ashton. Grow as a person. Take a vacation, break the rules, and live a life worth living.”
Both girls were crying and I just sat there, comforting Ashton, letting her know I was there for her, that I wasn’t going to bail on the strongest person I knew. By accident, I had killed my father but Ashton, in her own words, lived in hell and survived. I was meant to move into that apartment, be her neighbor, and fall in love with her because I was starting to believe I was her soulmate.
Suzanne put the notebook and pen on the coffee table and kneeled before Ashton who sat up and held her hands. “Sweetheart,” she said softly, “you got this. You want control, take it. Take it away from him and move on because that asshole is dead. What happened to you was the most horrific thing I’ve ever had to counsel. I’ve heard of it, but until that person is laying in the hospital bed in front of you, then you know things like that really do happen in real life. It’s happening in the world we live in, and I can’t stress enough how strong you are. I am so proud of you, Ashton. So fucking proud,” she said in a whisper and they embraced each other in a hug, crying and letting go of their torment.
Ashton
“Where are we going?” I asked Lincoln, who was holding my hand while we went up the steps to the third floor where Mike’s apartment was.
“It’s a surprise.”
“I’d think by now you’d know that I hate surprises,” I told him as we climbed the stairs and knocked on Mike’s door who answered way too fast, like he knew we were coming.
“Follow me,” he said shooting me a quick smile.
“I don’t like this,” I said pulling Lincoln’s hand and stopping in my tracks.
He kissed me quickly on the cheek and it was just enough to get my feet moving again. My body wanted him but my head still told me that it wasn’t going to happen.
We went to the end of the hallway and Mike opened a door, that had no apartment number assigned to it. “My office,” he said opening the door to an empty room. “I don’t use it, though. I forward the calls to my cell and use my laptop.” He reached up and pulled down a hidden set of steps that led somewhere.
“Seriously guys,” I said watching Mike climb the stairs. “This is freaking me out.”
“I’d never do anything to hurt you, my dear sister,” Mike said reaching the hole in the ceiling and disappearing through it.
“You’re next,” Lincol
n said putting a hand out for me to hold. I took the first step and paused. I looked over at him, saw that beautiful smile on his face and pushed my hesitation aside. I took the second step.
“You are the strongest person I know,” Lincoln said and I took another step.
We left therapy earlier this morning and he hasn’t left my side.
I didn’t want him to.
He gets me, he wants me, and said he’d never leave me.
He’s falling in love with me.
After a few more steps, I stepped out on the roof and took the view in. The sun had set, the city lights were alive and bright, and you could hear the hum of the traffic and the small sounds of people walking on the streets.
Even though not many stars were out because of the overcast, it was still beautiful. Breathtaking. Eye opening. I hugged myself and slowly drug my eyes to Mike and Lincoln who were both smiling at me, standing by a table.
On the table was a candle burning bright, showing me we were having dinner up here along with three red roses sitting in the middle of the table.
“I should go,” Mike said walking towards me. “Have a good date Ashton, you deserve it.” He gave me a quick hug and went back through the opening.
I had no words, only tears. I cried softly and walked over to Lincoln so I could wrap my arms around his waist and thank him.
“No need to cry on our first date,” he said, running his hand up and down my back.
“It doesn’t feel real.”
He leaned down and whispered in my ear, “It’s real, sweetheart.”
I was going to take Suzanne’s advice and let these moments in my life, with Lincoln, define me and let them change my life.
I was finally ready to try. I was ready to push myself and overcome my fears, and try to get better.
We sat down and Lincoln took the top off the plates, and I couldn’t help but laugh. “Cheeseburger and fries.”
“Romantic, right,” he said with a wink and I nodded. “We don’t have to go out to eat or go to the movies to have dates Ashton, and honestly,” he looked around, “this is the best spot in town.”
“I didn’t know about it.”
He opened his bottle of water and drank half of it before replying. “Mike said he’s always wanted to show you but didn’t think you’d be up for it.”
“I might have come up here.” I took the bun off and piled some fries on my cheeseburger and squished the buns back together and hesitated. I glanced up at Lincoln who was already chewing and he shrugged a shoulder.
“I like it this way,” I said also shrugging my shoulder, but refusing to eat.
After he was done with his bite he replied, “I used to do that when I was a kid, no judgments here, Ash. Never.”
We ate, talked, and started asking each other random questions. His favorite color was blue because of his eyes, the ocean, and the sky. Something about the ocean and sky being endless, made it his favorite color. He told me more about the kids who teased him about his foot and told me the story of how his leg broke. He was very adventurous as a child and teenager and was also doing reckless things. He loved life until the accident with his father. He talked about it easily, no tears were shed, but you knew it still bothered him. He found a way to forgive himself and move on, but he’d never forget. No one could ever forget the tragic times in their lives.
“So, you don’t have a favorite color?” Lincoln asked while cleaning up our dinner things by putting it into a plastic bag. I had offered to help but he waved me off.
“Black.”
“Not a bad color, but still.”
“What color do you think it should be?” I asked standing from the table so I could walk back over to the edge of the roof and admire the dark sky.
“It’s whatever color makes you happy,” he said into my ear. He slowly put his arms around my waist and I leaned back into him. “The color that brings you peace; the color that brings you joy and happiness.”
I knew my favorite color was blue.
Just like his eyes.
But I didn’t tell him. I let him hold me for a few minutes and decided it was time to make this one of those moments that was going to define me. Or break me.
“Can you Google a song for me?” I asked turning around so I could face him. I wanted to see his reaction when it played.
“Sure.” He pulled his phone out and hit a few buttons. “Type it in.”
I did.
Then I hit play.
It was a song I heard on the radio a few times now and the lyrics have stuck with me.
Hold
Hold on
Hold on to me
Cause I’m a little unsteady
A little unsteady
It was the intro that meant the most and I hoped he got it. I got up on my tiptoes, stared into those beautiful blue eyes of his, and then slowly closed mine so he could kiss me. And he did. It felt like another piece of me was found. Lincoln was finding those shattered pieces and slowly giving them back to me. I’d never be the same. I’d never be mended, but there was something about him and the power he held to make me feel … something.
Chapter 18 - Ashton
Every day that week Lincoln came over.
Every day that week when he left, he’d kiss me goodbye.
And with every kiss, a little piece of me felt like it had been returned.
There were so many pieces still lost. But somehow Lincoln was finding them. He was giving me something I thought was lost forever. I wasn’t sure how one person could make me feel so whole when I had been so empty and hollow for so long.
But Lincoln did.
He made me feel like I had a chance at some kind of life, some kind of normal.
A life worth living.
When Monday rolled around, I walked up those stairs into the apartment building; I was already smiling. I was ready to stop and talk to him. Tell him something he didn’t know about me because we were still playing a game of questions. And if I didn’t like his question, he’d let me answer with something about myself, something I felt like sharing. It wasn’t much or anything worth his time, but he loved every answer I gave him. Every little piece I shared, he took it, and I knew he’d never forget.
But his door was shut.
He wasn’t there.
I had my phone out by the time I got to his door and opened our text message from last night. I read it again. See you in the morning.
It was Monday, it was morning, but I don’t see him!
Where was he?
I rushed to my apartment and called his number. Something I’ve never done and I was so disappointed when it went straight to voicemail.
My anxiety hit hard and heavy. I tossed the bags in the fridge, not caring what was in the bag because I had already forgotten what I bought at the store.
What was I going to do?
“Freak out,” I said out loud, pacing the living room. “Open the window.” I went to it, opened it, and took a breath in and let it out slowly. “Fresh air.”
It didn’t work so I took another breath.
Nothing.
I called Mike.
It rang, but there was no answer.
I fell to my knees as the air was pulled from my lungs. My phone slid out of my hands and I tried to crawl towards it, but it hurt too much. I was hyperventilating now. My heart ripped through my chest with every beat. I leaned over and put my forehead to the floor. The cream-colored carpet itched but I didn’t care. It was the least of my problems at the moment.
I had to find a way to get centered even though I wanted to crawl inside myself and go to the darkness. The darkness always welcomed me with open arms; it had been my best friend and savior for six years.
I think I heard someone knock on the door but at this point, I couldn’t move. My chest pains were intense, spreading throughout my body, causing me to feel numb. I stayed on the floor with my arms wrapped around my legs, lik
e I always do and focused on Lincoln. He should have been there. He told me he wouldn’t let me down. He told me that I could trust him and I did, to an extent.
Something was wrong.
I cried out in frustration. Screamed as loud as I could. I pushed the darkness aside and blinked a few times.
Something was wrong with Lincoln.
I blinked a few more times and saw the couch start to come into focus and I heard my brother talking to me. I felt him pull me into his arms and cradle me like a baby.
It was comforting, but I wasn’t a baby.
“Mike,” I croaked out, “I need water.”
“In a minute.”
I put my hand to his chest. “Please.”
He dropped his eyes and I slid my butt on the floor until I hit the back of the couch. I let it hold me up, support me, while I chugged the water he handed me.
I handed the empty bottle back to him. “Somethings wrong.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t answer.”
“No-”
“I was paying attention Ashton, I was,” he interrupted me. “I wasn’t away from my phone that long but honestly,” he looked towards the front door, “I thought Lincoln would be here.”
He walked to the kitchen and got rid of the water bottle before coming back to stand in front of me.
“Lincoln wasn’t at his door,” I said and watched his forehead wrinkle in confusion.
“It’s Monday, right?”
I nodded.
“Huh.” He pulled his phone out, hit a button, and put it to his ear. “Voicemail.”
I nodded again.
He shoved the phone back in his pocket and put his hand out for me to grab. “The panic attack was because of him, not me?”
I let him help me stand and I sat on the back of the couch because I didn’t trust my feet yet.
I nodded again, afraid to talk because I was still working to slow my heart rate down.
Another knock at the door had Mike rushing towards it and my anxiety spiked my poor heart again. What felt like two hours was only seconds, and when the door opened, Lincoln wasn’t there.
It was Natalie.