by Alora Kate
Bright, colorful Natalie.
I scrambled to the coffee table on my hands and knees so she couldn’t see my face, and grabbed my sunglasses.
“Ashton,” she said as she walked right passed Mike. I stood and she wrapped herself around me. Normally I’d fight this because I hate people touching me, but she was different.
She was so different. There was so much I wanted to know about her.
She pulled back. “We need to go.”
“Where?”
“The hospital.”
Oh God.
I took a step back, my feet faltered, but she reached out and grabbed my hand. “Ashton.” The warmth and calmness of her spread through me and I no longer felt my heart beating against my chest. It was calm. I was calm.
“He’s fine, but needs surgery.”
“What happened?” I asked as she pulled me out of the apartment.
Before she could answer, Mike grabbed my other hand and pulled me towards him. I let go of Natalie and spun around to face Mike.
“You’re going?” he asked.
“It’s Lincoln.”
“You haven’t stepped foot inside a hospital since…”
“I know.”
“You hate them.”
“I know, Mike. But it’s him.”
He rubbed his hand over his face. “I’m coming with you.”
“I’d like that,” I said with a small smile and joined Natalie as we walked down the hallway and outside.
“I’ve got Lincoln’s truck,” she said as a beep went off, and lights flashed on a black four-door truck parked a few spots down. The closer I got, I noticed that the passenger tire was partly on the sidewalk.
“Should I be afraid?” I asked pointing at it.
“I’m not the best driver,” she yelled while literally jumping up into the truck while I reached out for Mike.
“I can’t do this.”
“Why not?”
“I’ll have a heart attack on the way there!”
The truck started and Natalie was waving at us to get in.
“We could walk,” Mike suggested and I glanced down the sidewalk.
“We don’t even know which hospital he’s in,” I replied.
Natalie hit the button so the passenger side window rolled down and she yelled at us. She was impatient, and the thought of Lincoln having surgery kicked my anxiety to the side.
“Just don’t leave me,” I said shooting Mike a warning look. He winked, we climbed into the truck, and we made it to the hospital alive. I wasn’t sure how, because Natalie was a crazy driver. She barely stopped at stop signs, ran red lights, and cut people off like crazy. I hoped it was because she was worried about Lincoln and I was happy when my feet hit the ground. She told me that Lincoln was out for his run this morning when he was hit by a car. They broke his leg, the one he had already broke when he was younger, and it was so bad he needed surgery. The police had called her from his phone, and since he was rushed into surgery, she came and got me. I haven’t seen her since the first time we met, but Lincoln told her things about me and vice versa.
As soon as we stepped into the lobby, the smell hit me with force. It was clean and crisp and I hated it. I hated the smell, I hated being at hospitals, and I hated all the secrets and pain the walls of this place held.
Tragedy.
Death.
Illness.
Sadness.
Natalie grabbed my hand and pulled me towards the round desk sitting off to the side of the lobby.
“Any word on Lincoln James Walker? He’s having leg surgery.”
“Are you family?”
“I’m his sister.”
The young brunette with way too much makeup on started typing on her keyboard.
“Ashton,” Mike whispered next to me and I followed him over a few steps. “You doing okay?”
“It smells in here,” I hissed, glancing around at the people walking by. Some were crying, some were in wheelchairs, but most of them were doctors and nurses wearing white coats and scrubs.
“It’s clean,” Mike said.
“It smells!”
“Miss, are you okay?”
I screamed, I didn’t know what else to do.
I had been sleeping when the door opened and woke me up.
It wasn’t the Devil, though.
The man had black boots on that were slowly coming closer to my bed.
I screamed again.
I didn’t want any other visitors. It was bad enough I had visits from him.
“I won’t hurt you,” he said, not moving.
I didn’t believe him.
I heard people yelling and running in the hallway.
Why was the door still open.
“Miss, we need to get you out of here.”
I had pulled my t-shirt over my legs and held them close to me.
I couldn’t leave.
He’d never let me leave.
Even though I didn’t understand the Devil’s language, I knew he’d never let me go.
He tried to take a step closer. “Miss, the compound’s clear. The men are either dead or in custody, and I really need to get you to a hospital.”
I shook my head. “I can’t leave.”
He kneeled down and I finally looked at him.
“You’re safe now. If you prefer, I have a female officer I can get in here, but you aren’t the only person here. We need to get you somewhere safe.”
I looked over his shoulder and didn’t see anyone else in the hallway.
What did he mean?
Who was he?
“What’s your name?” he asked, and I stopped rocking.
“Ashton.”
I’ve not said my name out loud for a long time.
“Ashton, I’d like to get you back to your family.”
“My family?”
“Yes. Let’s find your family.”
I wrapped myself in the blanket and walked by his side through the concrete building. I stayed at his side, not looking at anything or anyone because I was afraid that the Devil would be among them. As soon as I stepped outside, I fell to my knees at the sun’s light. It was so bright, so intense, that it was a shock to my body. It was my first panic attack.
The second one was at the hospital.
The smell sent me into a panic attack. It was overwhelming and made my head hurt. The only thing I had smelled for three years was the musky concrete, his sweaty body odor, and the smell of my blood mixed with it.
The outside world was too much for me to handle.
I was trapped inside the hospital for weeks. He lied to me, I wasn’t able to see my family. The only solace I had was the blankets, the itchy, wool blankets in my room. They hid me from the outside world, hid my bandaged face from the people who came to talk to me. The blankets brought back my only comfort, the darkness.
“I need fresh air,” I said choking on my words.
I started walking back towards the automatic sliding doors when Natalie rushed to my side. “Where are you going?”
“Fresh air.”
She seemed confused, which was normal when people were around me, but she still came with me. “He’s still in surgery.”
I nodded and breathed in as much air as my lungs allowed and closed my eyes; I dropped my head back so I could face the sky.
I rode in a vehicle today.
I was at the hospital for the first time in six years.
Suzanne would be proud.
“He’s going to be okay, Ashton.”
I opened my eyes while bringing my head back down and she stood right in front of me.
“I can’t be in there,” I said adjusting my glasses.
“I get it. Hospitals are weird.”
“The smell disgusts me.”
“Yeah, it’s all those cleaning products.”
I tried to hide my smile, but she didn’t.
&nb
sp; “Let’s have a chat,” she said grabbing my hand, and I glanced to Mike.
“I’ll wait inside,” he said as he moved back towards the door.
Natalie found a bench off to the side of the front doors and got comfortable by putting one of her legs under the other and resting her elbow on the back of the bench. “There’s something I want to tell you.”
I gulped.
“Lincoln told me that you knew what happened to our father, but I’m sure he didn’t tell you the whole story.”
Instant anxiety.
“Ashton,” she reached out and touched my shoulder, “it’s okay.” She smiled, those perfect white teeth shining through. She rubbed my shoulder and I wish I knew how she did it. It was like magic poured through her fingertips every time she touched me. Just like Lincoln. They had some kind of energy about them that soothed me on the inside.
“My life is so organized, Natalie. I’m still trying to adjust to being outside of my house right now.”
“You’re doing great.” She beamed.
“I guess.” I slumped back against the bench and she started talking.
“Lincoln used to be lost, like you.”
I snapped my head to her. “What?”
“Lincoln used to be lost in the darkness, like you.”
She was right so I just sat back and wished I was anywhere but here.
“He gets you, Ashton, because he used to be you. He killed our father and it broke him. Broke him right in half,” she paused and I slowly looked at her but she wasn’t smiling anymore. “My dad was a great dad. He was so calm and easy going. Never in a hurry. He was so proud of Lincoln and me, all the time. His death tore our family apart. It was an accident, but Lincoln blamed himself. My mom and I were grieving, and Lincoln just got lost.”
I reached out and held her hand, giving her a reassuring squeeze as she looked off into the distance.
“Eventually, my mom and I got better. We started to heal and move on, but Lincoln couldn’t. He blamed himself. He was young but could get his hands on alcohol and drugs and used them to numb his pain. It was bad, Ashton. My mother went from grieving our father to worrying about losing a son.” My eyes went wide and she let go of my hand and dug in her purse. She pulled out a picture and handed it to me.
It was a picture of Lincoln looking young and rough. His hair was longer, raggy, and he had dark bags under his dull eyes.
“I got him to take a picture with me a few weeks before I lost it on him.”
I ran my thumb over the picture, and even though it looked like him, it wasn’t him. I saw the darkness surrounding him, suffocating him and wearing him down. He was smiling, but it wasn’t real. He had suffered. The Lincoln I saw in the picture was just the shell of him, and it broke my heart.
“One night he came home completely wasted and started puking while passed out. We almost called an ambulance but he started coming around, waking up a little bit every hour. My mom sat in his room and watched him all night, afraid he was going to choke on his own puke. I hated it. I hated that our dad had died, but hated him more for what he was doing to my mom, to us. We only had each other and it broke my heart seeing my mom cry all the time about Lincoln, blaming herself for what was going on.”
“So that night I had had enough of his shit. It had been going on for almost a year, and I’m not even telling you everything. Anyways, I snapped. That next morning, I waited for our mom to leave and I went outside and grabbed the hose, turned the water on, and kinked it. I walked back into the house with it and let it rain on Lincoln while he slept. He snapped out of bed, pissed off, and grabbed the hose from me. He yelled, said a bunch of mean shit, and took the hose back outside. He left after his shower and came back that night, drunk again. So, the next day, I gave him another shower.”
Oh my God. Lincoln gave me a shower.
“The second time he just snatched the hose away and walked out. I wasn’t sure at the time if the silent treatment was worse than his cussing, but I wasn’t going to give up. He had lost his way and I just wanted my big brother back. I wanted our family back. A few years prior to that, he used to come in my room and scare the monsters away and I knew I had to scare his away too, so I lied.”
“You lied?” I asked handing her the picture back.
She nodded and put the picture back in her purse. “He left for a few days, but when he finally came back, I was waiting for him in his room. I got lucky because he was just drunk, not blacked out or high on something. I told him my nightmares were back, and I even cried but I wasn’t faking it. I knew I had to save him. Every night after that he drank less and would come lay on my bed and stare up at the ceiling until I fell asleep. I never tried to talk to him, I just let him think he was scaring the monsters away, but really, he had scared his own away. About a week later, I started writing him notes and putting them in his jeans pockets, coats, and even wrote on his bathroom mirror. I wanted him to know how much Mom and I loved him. I wanted him to know that he wasn’t alone.”
I took a deep breath in and let it out. I couldn’t have a panic attack during a very important time in my life. I might be crazy and stupid, but I knew what she told me would change my life. Lincoln meant it when he said he saw me. His soul knew what mine needed.
“Lincoln saved me, and then I saved him. It took time, but he finally came around, went to counseling, and eventually got better. So now you know.”
I nodded unable to find the words. How can you compare your tragedy to someone else’s and think one is worse than the other? They aren’t. They’re both horrible events that happened in our lives and Lincoln was able to crawl out of the darkness and save himself.
“Now you know why he likes you. Why he won’t leave you alone. He’s trying to save you, Ashton, pull you from the darkness so you can live. You’re both survivors.”
I’m a survivor.
We’re all survivors.
“He told me he wanted to be my light.”
She piped up with happiness and started clapping her hands together. “Yay!”
Of course, I smiled but still asked, “Why didn’t he tell me?”
She stopped clapping but her smiled never died. “He’s a guy, Ashton. He probably thought that stuff didn’t matter.”
“Oh.”
“I’ll let you think about that for a few minutes.” She stood and I sat up on the edge of the bench. “Stay here, let it settle. I’ll be back.”
It was all making sense now.
I slid back on the bench, crossed my legs and thought about what to do next. I had no clue. Not one. I wanted to cry, I wanted to scream, and a small part of me wanted to run away from it all and hide from the world. Before I knew it, I was standing. I had flip flops on and remembered I couldn’t run with them on. I wiggled my toes and put my hands on my hips.
What to do...
What to do...
Distracting myself from my feelings was something I was good at.
Plus, it was a lot of information. It was very emotional what they went through. I couldn’t deal with it just yet. I just had to push it aside and come back to it later. I’d focus on Lincoln getting through surgery. Focus on not falling apart when I walked back in that hospital because he needed me.
Someone needed me.
I started walking toward the door when Mike and Natalie came walking out wearing those white masks they hand out when you have a cold.
You could tell they were both smiling underneath them because of their eyes. Natalie held up her hand and dangled another mask in it. “For you.”
“Why?”
“I put a little perfume on the outside of it, hopefully not too much so you can smell pretty flowers instead of that.” She swung her hand towards the hospital.
I took it from her and slipped it on, making sure it sat under my ponytail. “Why are you guys wearing them?’
“Because it’s cool,” Mike joked.
“So people wouldn’t
focus on just you,” Natalie said, also wearing matching sunglasses.
Now I was going to cry. I put my hands over my face and felt warm arms wrap around me. Mike whispered in my ear, “Feels great, doesn’t it?”
They were showing me what it felt like to have friends. I felt their kindness and friendship, and it meant so much to me. It made me hurt in such great ways, and it felt good being put back together.
Chapter 19 - Ashton
I was laying in the bed after eating a couple pieces of bread, wishing for a miracle. Wishing for someone to save my life, and my baby’s. I felt it move inside of me as the tears soaked my pillow. I hugged my belly and told it that I was sorry. I told it that I wasn’t sure what would happen but that I loved it, I’ve never loved anything so much in my life. It gave me a glimmer of hope in the hell I was living in. I apologized over and over and told myself never to forget the feeling of life. Never to forget what it felt like having another living soul inside of myself. I feel like it’s been weeks since the baby first kicked, but I know it’s only been hours. It’s not long enough. I needed more time.
I needed to escape.
Sometimes I heard people talking in the hallways or banging noises, but no one ever visits me but him. It’s always him.
No one’s coming to save me.
I’ll end up dying here.
I cried harder and held myself tighter.
“I’m sorry,” I said out loud. “I’m so sorry.”
The door shoved open, and I curled into a ball. He always gets want he wants. I heard the door shut and his feet on the floor. I apologized again, in my head because I refuse to speak to him. I cry and scream, but I refused to use words. He doesn’t deserve them.
It wouldn’t help anyway.
He said something in Spanish,
and I knew he was next to me.
I wanted the darkness, but I had so many thoughts in my head I was having trouble finding it. Normally I could hide by now, but today would be different. Just like the day I lost my eye, today would leave a scar. Today would have the largest impact on my life since I’ve been here. He was going to take my baby from me.
I jerked in bed and glanced at the clock.
Two a.m.