The Half-Baked Vampire vs. The Strongest Little Sister?!

by Tsuyoshi Fujitaka

  “Who are ‘those guys’?” Yuichi said with annoyance. “Quit putting on airs and get to the point already.”

  “Listen, you,” Ibaraki shot back, “there’s such a thing as a conversational flow. A cryptic start catches interest and makes it go smoother... but well, whatever. I’m talking about monster hunters. I used to see them here and there, but lately they’ve been pretty active all over town. Makes it hard to sleep at night. I don’t think we’re the ones they’re after, though. Seems there’s something else they want.”

  “Monster hunters, huh?” Yuichi thought back to the upperclassman, Rokuhara, who’d attacked Aiko in the school courtyard soon after the first term had started. He’d erected a barrier and created familiars from dirt, and said those were powers the monster hunters had lent him.

  “What do you want to do, Noro?” Mutsuko looked at Aiko expectantly.

  “Good question,” Aiko said. “I want to bring my missing brother back, and get him to stop all his foolishness.”

  “Got it! Leave it to us!” Mutsuko announced.

  Mutsuko really was reliable, Yuichi thought. He didn’t yet know what she could do in this situation, but having her around always made him feel like things would work out.

  “But I can’t believe you’re a vampire... Hey. What kind of stuff can you do?” Mutsuko asked, her eyes sparkling.

  “Um, nothing in particular...” Aiko said apologetically.

  “Can you release your Control Art Restriction System? Wield a Marble Phantasm? Oh, what about firing beams from your eyes, or stopping time?! Wait, you’d need a Stand to do that, right?”

  “Um, I really don’t know what you’re talking about... I heal a little faster than most people, that’s about it... and I don’t like hearing sutras...”

  “Do you suck blood? Have you sucked Yu’s blood? Do you spend your days doing lewd blood stuff? There’s something so erotic about sucking blood! Oh, yeah! It’s an analogy for sex, too!”

  “U-Um... I don’t really do that...” Aiko looked down, her face red.

  “Huh? Then how are you a vampire?” Mutsuko asked.

  “If we don’t drink blood now and then, we get sick. That’s about it.”

  “Oh, so it’s like a health drink? That’s nothing compared to what we have to do,” Ibaraki said.

  It was true: he had said something earlier about their race’s cannibalism feeling like a karmic punishment. Indeed, this felt tame by comparison.

  “I see... that still doesn’t sound very vampiric to me. Why do you think of yourself as a vampire, Noro?” Mutsuko asked, probing closer to the foundation of the idea.

  “My parents say we’re vampires, and I’ve never had any reason to doubt them,” Aiko said.

  “Sucking blood does seem to be the minimum requirement for a vampire... I guess you do barely clear the bar.”

  “Yeah,” Aiko said. “I’ve heard that if we don’t take in any blood at all, we will weaken and eventually die.”

  “How much blood do you need?” Mutsuko asked.

  “Just a little, once every few months. That keeps most of the major problems away.”

  “Hmm... It does all seem a little diluted,” Mutsuko mused. “You said earlier that your only weakness was sutras, right? It feels artificial, like you’re actively restraining yourselves... Are your brother and the rest of your family the same way?”

  “Yes... um... there are some people who drink a lot of blood, and they tend to look very young,” Aiko said.

  “That’s really not what I expected... Maybe your clan are Dracula-alikes, watered down? Or maybe you’re just classic vampires... It’s tough.” Mutsuko pondered.

  “How are Dracula-alikes different from classic vampires?” Yuichi asked, wondering what hairs she was splitting this time.

  “Dracula is a vampire who appears in a novel by Bram Stoker, but the folkloric vampires are a bit different from Dracula,” Mutsuko explained. “The differences are important! There are a lot of different types of vampires, after all! In Japan we have blood-sucking yokai like the nure-onna, and Yugoslavia has blood-sucking watermelons, right? And they all have different weaknesses.”

  “Um, not sure how I feel about being compared to a watermelon...” Aiko murmured. She didn’t seem to like that at all.

  “Well, it’s okay,” Mutsuko said. “Let’s assume for now that Noro’s clan is an extension of Western vampires that the stories are based on. Noro, you’re wondering if your brother is drinking blood to make more of his kind, right?”

  Aiko nodded.

  From what Aiko had told him, Yuichi had been taking that as a worst case scenario, too.

  “The idea of sucking blood to make more of your kind came from ideas about disease,” Mutsuko said. “Well, with yokai and spirits and stuff, a lot of them are based on contemporary events and phenomena.”

  “Right, like the Black Death. I’ve heard about the connection between pests and vampires,” Ibaraki said with a bit of pride.

  “Hey, did you just throw in that little bit of trivia because you happened to know it?” Yuichi asked suspiciously.

  “What if I did?” Ibaraki asked.

  “Oh, Ibaraki!” Mutsuko exclaimed. “Recent research suggests that the Black Death that ravaged the Middle Ages wasn’t caused by pests, but was actually a viral strain of Ebola or Marburg hemorrhagic fevers!”

  “And Sis, stop using every chance you can to show off your knowledge,” Yuichi said.

  “Well, setting that aside,” Mutsuko went on, ignoring him, “we think of vampires as being a type of undead, someone who died and came back to life. You get legends like that anywhere in the world where people bury their dead — legends that if you don’t bury them properly, they’ll come back to life as a monster. So having vampire clans like yours around doesn’t match the standard vampire image.”

  “Um... you’re not suggesting... I’m dead, are you?” Aiko asked in fear.

  “Hey, don’t worry!” Yuichi gripped Aiko’s hand.

  “Huh?” she asked. “Um...”

  “It’s warm, see?” Yuichi explained.

  She had all the signs of life, Yuichi thought. She definitely wasn’t undead.

  “Quit flirting!” Ibaraki yelled.

  “Shut up!” Yuichi snapped back.

  “Anyway, it’s believed that vampire legends originated from instances of premature burials. People who weren’t dead, but in a death-like state, were put in coffins and buried. Then someone heard something and dug them up and found a person inside, covered in blood and struggling for breath. This death-like state is believed to have a connection to the disease that stiffens the body, known as catalepsy!”

  “Enough about that,” Yuichi said. “Let’s get back to Noro’s brother. There was a coffin in his room with blood inside it. What does that mean?”

  “Let’s see,” Mutsuko said. “Some stories say that vampires weaken if they can’t sleep in the soil of their homeland. From there arose stories that they absorb the spirit of the earth they sleep on to heal themselves. In that case, we can probably assume he’s just got a lot in common with your generic vampire? If so, he has a lot of limitations... So let’s list some of the common ones! First, their weak points are sunlight, garlic, holy water, holy ash, crosses, white magnolia stakes, and silver bullets. They don’t show up in mirrors, can’t cross running water, and can’t enter a house unless invited. Their powers include super strength, the ability to turn to mist, wolves, and bats, and flight. They can also charm people and suck their blood to enslave them, and stuff.”

  “It all sounds like nonsense when you just list them out like that,” Yuichi said. There was no sense of unity to them, and there were too many specific features. He felt like they had to narrow it down.

  “Well, that’s because it’s an amalgamation of people’s ideas about a lot of different monsters,” Mutsuko explained. “Silver bullets were originally the weaknesses of werewolves, and holy water and crosses were for the Devil. But over time, they a
ll merged together. It’s like... how fanfic adds stuff to the original canon, then other creators add their ideas to the fanfic, and at some point it all gets treated like the original!”

  “Um... Mutsuko, we don’t have any powers or weaknesses like that...” Aiko said apologetically.

  “Well, that’s even better, right?” Mutsuko said. “If he doesn’t have any powers, then he can’t conquer the world, can he? But for safety’s sake, let’s assume he does! Let’s assume he can do all that stuff and go from there!”

  Yuichi tried to imagine what a vampire with so many abilities would be like. He probably couldn’t beat something like that. Superhuman strength was one thing, but how do you fight something that could turn into mist?

  “Anyway, our first step should be going to the hospital where Yu saw the ‘Vampire?’s! That place sounds really fishy to me!” Mutsuko announced, standing up abruptly.

  “What, right now? Don’t you think it would be better to go there during the day?” Yuichi protested.

  It was July, so it was still rather light out at this time of day, but it would turn dark soon. It didn’t seem smart to go, at night, to a place where they might find vampires.

  “It’s been a while since your brother went missing, right? So we can’t afford to waste any time! By the way, Noro, do you get stronger at night or start acting any differently?”

  “Huh? I dunno. I think I just get sleepy?” Aiko said, tilting her head.

  “Everybody does that,” Yuichi criticized reflexively.

  “I know that! I keep telling you, I don’t have any special powers just because I’m a vampire!” Aiko shouted.

  In the end, after discussing how day or night seemed to make no difference to Aiko’s brand of vampire, they decided to head out.

  They came to the remains of the Pink Clinic, AKA the Mochizuki Gastrointestinal Hospital.

  The power, gas, and water were all working, confirming that despite appearances, it wasn’t really abandoned. It just seemed it was presented to look that way.

  The door at the front entrance was locked, but Yuichi just picked it again, and they had no trouble getting in.

  Right before they went inside, they took out the masks they’d brought and put them on. Yuichi had the skull mask and Aiko the rabbit mask, like before. Mutsuko’s mask was made out of wood, with creepy cavity-like holes in it.

  Ibaraki apparently didn’t care if anyone saw him, and just left his face bare.

  “Look, since no one else is going to ask, I will. What exactly is that?” Yuichi pointed to Mutsuko’s shoulder.

  “This? It’s an ultraviolet light projector!” Mutsuko proclaimed. There were enormous lamps mounted on both her shoulders and something that looked like a battery on her back. “It was this or a log, but I figured this one would be easier to wield!”

  “Um... well, never mind. If a vampire appears, I’ll let you handle them.” Yuichi had his doubts as to whether something like that would work, but if Mutsuko thought it would, maybe it would. “And just to be safe, could you keep your voice down? It is night, and someone else might be here.”

  “Oh, please. Yu, you worry too much!” Mutsuko said loudly.

  “That’s exactly what I mean!” he hissed back.

  They opened the door and crept inside. It was dark within.

  “That device of yours might come in handy right about now,” he pointed out.

  “Oh, no! It’s got, like, no battery life,” Mutsuko said. “I’ve gotta save it for an emergency!”

  “It’s useless, then!”

  “So, what do we do? It’s too dark to see anything,” Aiko asked nervously.

  “Ah. I might have an LED...” Yuichi was about to pull a flashlight out of his pocket when the lights suddenly went on.

  Yuichi squinted in the sudden brightness as Aiko hid behind him.

  Someone else was there.

  Yuichi expected it to be a vampire, or perhaps a delinquent. But he was disappointed.

  “Oh, if the front door was open, we could have just gone in there,” a voice muttered from further inside the hospital. “All that work for nothing...”

  Footsteps approached.

  As his eyes adjusted to the light, Yuichi could make out three silhouettes. The labels above their heads read “Monster Hunter I,” “Monster Hunter II,” and “Monster Hunter III.”

  The boy in the center looked so unremarkable, it was remarkable. He was completely without distinguishing features. He was about Yuichi’s height, dressed in an entirely average T-shirt and jeans. To his left was a large man in a white mask. He was about a head taller than the boy, and wore a tank top and half-length pants, which displayed his heavy musculature.

  The person to the boy’s right was shorter than him, and wore a white mask and a body-concealing white cloak. The curve beneath the cloak in the chest area suggested this figure was a woman.

  “Are you the owners of this place?” Yuichi asked, just to be sure.

  “Certainly not. I suspect we’re in the same position you are,” The boy in the center answered without hesitation.

  “Hey, who are these guys? Were they setting a trap for us? Are they enemies?” Mutsuko seemed excited by the mysterious group’s sudden arrival. “I bet the kid in the middle is the boss! I think he’s about your age, Yu. He’s got a real ‘mastermind’ quality to him!”

  “Sis, could you calm down?” Yuichi asked. “They seem just as confused as we are.”

  While he couldn’t see the expressions of the people in masks, and the boy’s expression hadn’t changed, something in his gaze suggested that he found them all very suspicious.

  “Okay, okay. Fine.” Mutsuko backed down, reluctantly. She seemed to be abiding by her stance that Yuichi was de facto leader, and she was only helping him.

  “We came here for a test of courage. What about you guys?” Yuichi asked, deciding to probe deeper. He didn’t know who these Monster Hunters were, but they seemed like they might be more reasonable than the delinquents.

  “Hmm, that’s interesting,” the boy said with a slight smile. “Even oni are doing tests of courage these days? I assumed you’d come here to eat.”

  “I know these guys. They’re those monster slayer types,” Ibaraki said venomously.

  They seemed to recognize each other.

  “Monster slayers!” Mutsuko exclaimed. “Like Iscariot or Ura-koya!”

  “Would you please shut up?” Yuichi hushed the still-excited Mutsuko, and turned his gaze back to the three monster hunters.

  Monster hunters: those who hunted oni. Yuichi had heard of people like them before, and they weren’t a welcome presence right now. He didn’t care about Ibaraki, but what if they went after Aiko?

  “I suppose there’s no point in trying to size you up,” the boy said. “You’re all hiding your faces, anyway. You clearly want to obscure your identities as much as possible.”

  “You don’t have to hide yours?” Yuichi asked.

  “As you can see, my face is excessively average. No one will ever remember what I look like. Now, let’s introduce ourselves. I’m known as Leader. I hunt monsters as a hobby.”

  Yuichi examined the boy known as “Leader.” There was no menace in his posture whatsoever, and he didn’t appear to know martial arts.

  “As for the man to my right... Just call him Giant. As you can see, he’s quite strong.”

  “Giant, huh? Fine, whatever...” Giant said, sounding miffed. He looked like the strongest of the group to Yuichi.

  “The woman to my left... let’s call her Knockers.”

  “That’s sexual harassment, Leader,” the woman said.

  “How about Sister, then?” Leader answered. “You’re so feminine, after all.”

  Yuichi sensed no threat from the girl, either. Giant seemed like he would cause the most trouble.

  “And you? If you wouldn’t mind introducing yourselves...” the leader addressed Yuichi and the others breezily.

  “As you can see, I’m a fict
ional martial arts researcher!” Mutsuko exclaimed. She had clearly been trying her best, but it wasn’t in her to keep silent for long.

  “As I can see, huh?” Leader asked, looking confused.

  “Just think of these things on my shoulders as the Sexy Commando’s rings!” Mutsuko proclaimed.

  “Don’t mind her,” Yuichi said. “You said we shouldn’t try sizing each other up, but we didn’t come here for anything special. Like I said, it’s basically a test of courage.” They really hadn’t come for any specific purpose, so it wasn’t even a lie.

  “Oh? Ah, well... We came here to kill vampires. But it seems we were too late. The place was deserted.”

  “Vampires... You’re sure there were vampires here?” Yuichi asked.

  “That interests you, huh?” Leader asked.

  “Didn’t I say we came on a test of courage?” Yuichi responded. “Having vampires here makes it all the better.”

  “It seems there were some here, but they were all small fry,” the leader shrugged. “We’re looking for the original, the one who made them. Any idea who it might be?”

  “Nope.” Aiko’s brother came to Yuichi’s mind immediately, but naturally, he didn’t say that out loud.

  “Hmm, you’re being awfully tight-lipped. And after we’ve been so forthcoming. I’ll tell you one more thing: the original is injured. We nearly had him, but he pulled out his second form... No reaction to that, eh? Well, you’re wearing masks, so it’s hard to read your expressions. Ah, well.”

  Leader scratched his head, but he didn’t really seem bothered by it.

  “Well, it’s all right. I was just thinking we might go back empty-handed when you came right to us. That should be enough for today.” Leader turned to Sister. “You’ve caught on by now, right?”

  “Yes. One oni. One vampire, though a rather weak one. Two humans. But one appears to be a Holder.”

  Yuichi stiffened at the words. He didn’t care about Ibaraki, but Aiko’s identity had been compromised?

  “I see. Then let’s just finish off those two.” The moment Leader spoke, the lights went out.

  Yuichi grabbed Aiko and leaped to the side.

  “Sis!” He kept moving, dodging multiple objects that came flying at him as he made a mad dash for the sofa.