Finding Serenity

by Amanda Perry

  Casual sex never was something I considered. It still isn't, no matter how many times I try to convince myself that my time with Marak and Allistar was casual. Even the time spent with Syn and Maverick means more to me than it should, and when they leave me behind, it's going to hurt like hell.

  19

  Marak

  Taylor fits in well with our friends. She and Parker have a six-year age gap, but from what I know of Parker, she's more mature than her years. She and Taylor along with Austyn hit it off. I'd be jealous of the way Taylor laughs with Austyn if I didn't know him.

  It’s hard to take my eyes from Taylor through lunch. Hell, it's hard to take my eyes from her any time. She’s oblivious to the fact I’m wrapped around her finger. I'm hooked, and it's dangerous. Her safety was jeopardized yesterday, and my focus wasn’t where it needed to be. She was the only thing on my mind, and I missed my mark. I never miss my mark, but I couldn't think straight. Every part of me screamed to get to Taylor and make sure she was okay. The only reason I didn't let the guy go without getting a shot in was because I knew Syn, Allistar, and Maverick would hold her and keep her safe until I could get to her.

  To watch her fight scared me more than anything in my life. I sat powerless to stop the guy until we could pull up closer. Only seconds passed, but those seconds felt like the longest of my life. Yesterday, marks the second time my instincts to protect her with everything in me overwhelmed me completely.

  The night in her apartment pops into my mind more than a few times a day. Not only the gun fire, because of course, I go over every way I could change any part of it. The moments before the danger play like a film reel through my mind. I never meant for anything to happen. I only stayed to protect and watch over her. Then she came out in her little white tank top with nothing under it. Her attempt at sneaking around cracked me up. She needs to work on her stealth.

  Then again, I’m glad I caught her. The feel of her under me, the way she said my name, gets me hard enough to pound nails every time. It takes a lot of willpower not to jump on her whenever she enters a room. She never once mentioned that night and neither did I. If she regrets it, shit will get uncomfortable.

  I don’t want to bring it up until she’s ready... if she ever is. I’ll follow her lead with it for now. She probably assumes I go around and jump in bed with every female I meet, which is far from true. I was in two different committed relationships in the past, and they were the only girls I ever slept with. Casual is Syn’s thing, not mine. Allistar and I act a lot alike in that way. Maverick is in a category all his own, and while the rest of us don’t mind what he likes, it isn’t something we’re into.

  I realized two things when I hooked up with Taylor. Casual sex will never be for me. There needs to be a connection for me to want anything to do with the girl. The two relationships before didn’t work out because there wasn’t a deep enough connection. Which also brought to light the fact that I want Taylor to be mine. I want to ask her out, take her on dates, call her my girl, and keep her toothbrush next to mine.

  At first, my plan was to wait until this bullshit with Pearson—or as she calls him, McCreepearson—blew over. Then, my best friends got involved. The three guys I always considered my brothers want the same girl I do, and now, we need to figure out what to do about it. It doesn’t bother me as badly as I figured it would. Of course, I’m jealous, and I want her to myself. If it was anyone else, I’d tell them to fuck off and stay away from her. But this is Maverick, Syn, and Allistar—they’re my family, and I’d do anything for my family. Which is how I find myself at the Harper-Smith household, chatting with our friends, the five eldest sons about their relationship with Parker.

  “How’s Parker doing since she got released from the hospital?” Syn starts out in safer territory.

  Lochlan’s expression darkens. “She’s been fine physically.”

  “What does that mean?” Syn, always the medic, wants to know if he can fix something for our friends.

  Dominic pats Lochlan’s shoulder, a gesture of comfort. “She’s had some bad anxiety since we got her home. She can’t go out alone, not that we’d let her anyway. Even when we’re with her and she walks to the other side of a store, she panics.”

  Talen cringes. Whatever popped into his head can’t be good. “She also doesn’t know about the guy who has been after Taylor. We worry about how she’d react, and we don’t want her to get more upset. We don’t want to lie to her, but we don’t know how else to handle it.”

  “Understandable.” I nod. I would probably do the same thing if it was Taylor. “We won’t mention it to her.”

  “Thanks.” Talen sighs with relief.

  Declan snickers. It draws everyone’s attention to him. “You guys aren’t here to chat about Parker. You want to talk about Taylor.”

  Denial would be pointless, and I’ve never been one for avoidance. “We do.” Adjusting my beanie, I lean back and huff. I remember Taylor running her hands through my hair and tugging on the ends. Fuck. Not the time to stroll down memory lane. “I have no idea where to start.”

  “You all want her.” It isn’t a question from Lochlan, but the four of us nod our confirmation anyway. He clears his throat and leans forward, his forearms on his knees. “Stop me if I’m wrong here. You want her to be yours, but you don’t want to hurt your best friends, your brothers. You’re looking high and low for any alternative because the only two options that come to mind are hurting your family or losing your girl.”

  None of us stop him. He’s dead on with his assumptions, and we know it. “Except,” Maverick speaks up after a moment of tense silence, “there is another option. It’s just not something most would think about.”

  “It also doesn’t work for most people,” Duncan adds. “They can’t handle a relationship like ours. We grew up with our mom and dads. We grew up in this tiny neighborhood of people in unconventional relationships. This the norm for us, but it isn’t for the rest of the world.”

  “Exactly!” Syn growls. It’s the first thing he’s said, and I know the rest will be negative. He’s the least open to this idea—he’s made his position clear. “It isn’t the norm. We know you guys and have for years. At least, we know it’s possible and not completely nuts. It isn’t what Taylor knows, and she’d be gone faster than a Snickers at a Weight Watchers convention if we even mention it.”

  “That’s fucked up, Syn,” Talen’s eyes wide, and his mouth set in a firm line. He’s obviously trying not to laugh at the joke.

  Declan doesn’t care it’s fucked up as he howls with laughter. “Holy shit, you’re horrible.”

  “Whatever. You guys know what I mean.” Syn grins and the tension from moments ago dissolves. He sighs heavily and pushes his hand down his face. “She’d run if we even considered this, if we even mentioned it. You guys know that.”

  “It’s a lot simpler than you four are making it out to be.” Declan shrugs. “Either you’re willing to keep your girl and your brothers, or you’re not. If you aren’t, you need to pick who you lose. It takes a hell of a lot of thinking. It’s not an easy decision to make, but the options you have are straight forward. You won’t know what Taylor thinks until you ask her.”

  He’s right, the choices are simple. Either we care enough about her and each other to give this a shot, or we let someone we care about go. The decision is ours to make individually, but first, we need to talk about it as a group. If the guys find out that I already slept with Taylor, they may think differently of me or her. They may hate me for it. Still, they need to know. One thing we learned long ago from the Harper-Smith family was to never keep secrets from your family. Now, our mutual interest in her is out in the open, and I need to be honest with them. It may be the hardest thing I’ve ever told them, but they deserve to know.

  “Where’s Taylor?” I drop onto a stool in the kitchen. A few days passed since we met with the Harper-Smith guys, and none of us have talked yet. We’re all too consumed with our own inner battle of w
hat we want.

  Syn hums absentmindedly. “She went to shower.”

  Silence descends once more on our group. The conversation with the guys from the other day continues to flash back to me. I know I need to tell them what happened. It eats at me daily since I decided to tell them. It’s better to come clean than for them find out some other way.

  “Guys,” My shaky voice calls. I really hope they don’t hate me for this. When I gain the attention of all three of them I clear my throat. “I need you guys to know something. You might hate me, but you should know.”

  None of them move while I shut my eyes and bite the bullet. “I slept with Taylor.”

  Three loud beats of my heart ring in my ears while the room remains dead silent before Maverick loses his mind. “What the fuck, Marak? Are you kidding me?”

  “Mav, it isn’t—” I start, but he’s too busy shouting at me while he paces the kitchen.

  “After the shit we all talked about the other day, you go and do something like that. What the fuck is wrong with you?”

  Syn joins him. He’s not mad; he’s hurt and kills me. “Why did you do it, man? Knowing how we all feel about her.”

  “I didn’t know,” I tell him quickly. Maverick mad is expected. Syn exploding and losing his shit is expected. Syn quiet and dejected like this crushes me. “It was that first night at her place. I swear to Christ, I didn’t plan it, guys. It’s not like I went behind your backs. I didn’t know how you all felt or would feel. It just sort of happened.”

  Allistar hasn’t said a word. He leans against the counter, his arms crossed and his head bowed. At first, I fear he’s as hurt as Syn, but when he glances up all I find is guilt. Holy shit. “You slept with her, didn’t you?”

  His jaw twitches, but he nods once. I don’t have a right to be upset with him. I did the same thing as him, but it doesn’t stop the jealousy from slicing through me like a hot knife through butter. Maverick and Syn remain shell-shocked at Allistar’s confession.

  “Maybe this isn’t such a good idea,” Syn mutters as his head drops into his hands. “This is why we can’t be in a relationship with one girl. All I want to do right now is beat the shit out of the both of you. I don’t want to feel that way toward my family, it’s not right.”

  “Taylor has the liberty to make her choices, as do we. But that doesn’t change the way all of us feel after hearing that. We need time to think about this shit.” Maverick leaves the room.

  Part of me wants to go ask Taylor why she had sex with Allistar after being with me, but I can’t. First, I’d be going behind Allistar’s back, which I refuse to do. Second, she isn’t my girlfriend. We never even talked about what happened between us, and Maverick’s right. She reserves every right to be with whoever she wants though it doesn’t make it sting any less. Maybe Syn is right, and this won’t work out. Maybe we should all accept reality and move on.

  20

  Taylor

  Something changed. Something between the guys took a turn after our visit with the Harper-Smith family. Only a week has passed, but it’s blatantly obvious. They never said specifically anything happened, but I’m not blind. They’re avoiding each other and me. The tension is almost a physical presence in the room whenever more than one of them come together.

  I know it’s something I did. They’re different with me also. They won’t touch me, and they’re standoffish whether we’re alone or not. The only thing I can come up with is they realized what I did. They found out about me and Marak, and me and Allistar. They noticed me flirt with the four of them, and they’re disgusted with me.

  The Harper-Smith guys probably pointed it out to them. They’re in the kind of relationship I can only wish for. They’d find the signs of my feelings for the four of them. They likely warned the guys to stay clear of me. If they want to keep their distance from me, I’ll do the same. They’re making it a lot easier now for me to stay away. They’ll go back to normal if I take myself out of the picture.

  Syn, Allistar, and Marak made plans today. They left me with Maverick, who stuck himself in the home office all day. He only came out to grab coffee a few hours ago. With nothing to do and no one to talk to, I decide to clean the house a bit. It’s the least I can do for them after all the trouble I’ve caused. With some music on, I grab the cleaning supplies and go about scrubbing the place down.

  Around noon, a knock on the door interrupts my solo performance of a Kesha song. Out of instinct, I answer the door like I would any other time someone knocks.

  A woman in her fifties with dark brown hair and soft blue eyes smiles kindly. Her eyes widen with surprise when they lock on mine. “Oh, hello. I didn’t know they hired a housekeeper. Sorry to interrupt you, dear. I’m here to see Seymour.”

  “Uh.” It takes me a second to catch up, and I shake my head slowly. “I think you have the wrong house.”

  My heart thumps in my chest. Why in the holy hell did I answer the door alone? This lady probably works for McCreepearson, and he sent her here to drag me to hell.

  The woman frowns. “Seymour Synclair, dear. He lives here.”

  Again, I shake my head, and she becomes frustrated with me. “I know he lives here. I’ve been here many times before. Did he put you up to this?”

  She takes a step into the house, and I panic. I shout for Maverick and scramble away from the crazy woman with the broom extended as my weapon. Maverick’s footsteps pound down the hall. He grabs me by the arms and spins me behind him. His shoulders are tense, and his breath is labored. He freezes in place when he discovers who it is at the door. His whole body deflates, and he steps to the side. “Hey, June. You scared the fuck outta me.”

  She snorts. “You? I thought my son up and moved without telling me. What’s going on, Maverick?”

  “Taylor, this is Syn’s mom, June Synclair.” He gestures from me to the woman and vice versa. “June, this is Taylor. I think Syn told you about her the last time you two talked.”

  “Oh, I’m so embarrassed.” Her small hands cover her pink cheeks. “I called you the housekeeper. Oh, I’m horrible. I’m so sorry, dear. The broom and the apron caught my attention. I just assumed... Oh lord, this is so embarrassing.”

  “It’s fine,” I assure her. My focus goes more on calming my racing heart than her mistake in my identity. “Uh, so Syn is your son?”

  “Yes, dear. I’m sorry, I forget sometimes he likes to be called Syn. For some reason, he doesn’t like his given name.” She rolls her eyes and grins.

  “Seymour?” I recall from moments ago.

  She nods. “He uses the first part of our last name as his own. Synclair. Syn. He started that in middle school, I believe. He always says he’ll never forgive me for naming him after my grandfather. He’s a big baby, though. It’s not a terrible name.”

  A response eludes me. It is a bad name, but I won’t offer my opinion to her. “Er, Syn isn’t here. He’s... Actually, I’m not sure where he is, but he said he had stuff to do.”

  “Oh, that’s okay, dear. I was just going to make him take me to lunch.” She waves off the idea but eyes me. “You can come with me instead.”

  My jaw drops. Did Syn’s mother ask me to go to lunch with her? No good can come from this.

  I try to protest and explain I can’t go places alone, but Maverick speaks up, “Go for it.” He thinks he hides his grouchiness from Syn’s mom, but by the raise in her brow, she picks up on it anyway.

  “I’ll go get changed.” The only way it could be more obvious he wants me to leave him alone would be if Maverick put up a neon sign above his head saying, Fuck off, Taylor. I’d rather eat snails than stick around with people who wish I would vanish. I learned my lesson with my mother. If someone acts like you’re a burden to them, then get lost before shit gets worse. With an ache in my chest from Maverick’s dismissal, I rush up the stairs to throw some real clothes on and let a few tears escape.

  Thirty minutes later, June and I sit at a quiet table in a cute diner a few miles from the
house.

  "So, you're the girl my son has been telling me about?" She doesn't give me any warning and the sip of Diet Coke I'd taken goes down the wrong pipe.

  She giggles uncontrollably as I cough, gasp, and try not to die. "Wh-what?"

  "Syn and I talk all the time, dear. He's been telling me about a girl he's met. I won't say what he's said to me, but it's all good things." She winks, and my cheeks darken. "What I'd like to know is what you think of my boy."

  "Uh." This cannot be happening. How is a girl supposed to respond to such a question?

  Luckily, June doesn't appear phased. She smiles and pushes the conversation in a different direction. Unfortunately, the direction isn't one I wish to go in. "It was interesting to see Maverick so flustered."

  "What do you mean?" Angry, pissed, and grouchy—all words I would use to describe his mood today. But flustered? Not so much.

  "I've known the boys for a long time. Maverick, Marak, and Syn have been friends forever, and Allistar found himself stuck with them when they were barely teens. I think of them as my own."

  She takes a drink of water and watches me. "It isn't often they're upset with each other for more than a few hours at a time. I recall once when they had all graduated high school and Maverick joined the marines without telling them. They didn't speak for two weeks. When they finally did, it was to tell each other they all joined so they could go with him. They refused to let their best friend go alone. It brought them closer than ever. They went from the best of friends to brothers after that."

  "They've got such a tight bond." I swirl the straw around my drink as a way to avoid eye contact. "It's really amazing to watch them work like one unit all the time."

  "It is. They're a team, and they will always be a team. I have no doubt about that." She knows. The way she says it, she knows what's going on with the guys. Either Syn told her or it's a mother thing, and she figured it out. Grammy always knew everything without a word from me. Either way, I can't decide if she's warning me away from them or not. She's incredibly kind and sweet. If she’s trying to hint I should get lost, she's being too subtle about it.