Right Before My Eyes

by Michelle Robinson

  “Sorry for cussing in front of you, Mama.”

  “Oh naw, baby, it was perfectly understandable. You whooped her tail down, Nee! Just keep some ice on your eye and you’ll be fine and your lip will go down probably by tomorrow.”

  We stopped at a liquor store on the way to the freeway on 150th Avenue to get ice. I held my head up to make the swelling go down. I was gonna keep my shades on in the shop.

  “Well it doesn’t look that bad,” she said.

  “Really, Mama?” I asked.

  Of course she would say that, because I’m her daughter. But come on. I looked in the passenger side vanity mirror and saw another story. I wanted Jordyn to see my pain so she could tell hers. Being a twin has its cons, and this was darn sure one of them. She hit like a girl anyway but I was dizzy for a minute, I had to admit.

  “I was shocked, but happy to know my baby can still whoop some butt,” she said. “Now keep it cool Nee, we don’t know if the salon is full of clients or not.”

  “Mama, I think you mean well, but you don’t know how to handle this. I don’t want to go in there and we both attack Jordyn with this. I say you drop me off and I’ll just talk to her about it. One on one, ya know? She’s not open about it ’cause she’s not comfortable with telling you yet.”

  “Well, I’m her mama and I wanna know what is going on. I didn’t raise her like this. I feel like I’ve been slapped in the face.”

  “Mama, how do you think she feels? Let her come to you. She doesn’t deserve to be ganged up on. You are her mama, which makes it tougher for her. You expect grandchildren from her, not me. So it’s a little stressful.”

  “You twins do have a special bond,” she agreed. “Okay, but don’t be harsh, that’s still my baby. Y’all are two minutes apart, you’re my first baby and she’s my baby baby!”

  We both laughed, but for different reasons. How many times had I heard that in my lifetime? Better yet, how many more times will I hear it? Out of the blue, Mama said, “You’ll keep hearing me say it!”

  I looked at her and just smirked, thinking she was the one with the special powers that gave my twin and me that special bond. She stopped in front of the salon.

  I put on my gold Armani frames with the coffee brown tint and got out of Mama’s white Mercedes S500. I turned around to look because I noticed she turned the volume up and Souled Out blared out onto MacArthur Blvd.

  “You ghetto,” I smirked as I closed the door.

  “That’s ’cause I’m from Eas’ Oakland. Call me later, I’ll be home watching The Cosbys,” she said and drove off.

  She cracked me up and I carried that smile into the shop to get this mission started on a good note. I didn’t know what I was going to say, but I knew I’d be straightforward yet willing to listen. She needed that more than anything. Plus, this black eye I have will definitely make her talk.

  When I walked in, I noticed that there was no one in the salon but her. It was perfect, especially when I heard her stereo playing Green Light from its speakers.

  I exhaled.

  Thank you, Father, for setting this platform, I thought. ’Cause this wasn’t gonna be easy. John Legend and Andre 3000 had given me a go.

  I cleared my throat and saw her sitting at the dryer in the middle reading a Jet Magazine. I couldn’t tell who was on the cover.

  Our pop called the Jet the Nigga News. Our parents been getting the Jet for as long as I can remember. It came in the mailbox every Thursday without fail. I wondered if she was admiring the Beauty of The Week.

  “Hey sister,” I said when she looked up.

  Quick check, she looked good, at peace. No signs of uncertainty.

  “Hey diva,” she replied.

  “No clients?”

  “You’re first and then it’ll pick up after I get you under the dryer. You ready for your color transformation?”

  Hell yeah, I thought to say. But I answered with a slight attitude.

  “Let me see those shades. Those are hot,” she said. She walked close enough and removes them herself and the excitement from her face was gone.

  I looked at her with a blank stare. My blood was boiling. I had to take a deep breath, or I was gonna continue whooping some butt.

  I wanted slap the mess out of my twin, but that wasn’t gonna do nothing.

  These young, gay people were finding it hard to cope as it was. Some of them dared actually to commit suicide. I definitely didn’t want that for my sister. I would die if she dared.

  “Oh, no. What the hell happened?” she demanded.

  “I got hit in the eye and got my lip busted fucking around with Mama, because someone thought I was you.”

  There I go cussing again. I thought I had stopped, but sometimes it just came out my mouth with no trouble. I was trying to do better, but shit. I wanted to start crying, but then she would have started crying. Jordyn was not as emotional as I was. She was more reserved. I guess she didn’t have to shoot off like a pistol because she had me and Mama for that. She was calmer, like Pops.

  “They thought you were me? Really?”

  Her posture changed completely.

  “Well, explain what happened? I didn’t know someone had it in for me,” she said.

  “Yeah right,” I snapped at her while I snatched my shades out of her hands. I put them in my sunglass case and in my purse. While I was in my purse, I pulled out the ice pack I got from the liquor store and held it to my lip. “You have some explaining to do Jordyn, not necessarily to me,” I told her rolling my good eye.

  “Ok, ok. Well tell me why this happened?” she said.

  “We met your jealous girlfriend today.”

  “Jealous girlfriend?”

  “Yes, stop playing dumb.”

  “Well, Journee. You haven’t said anything yet.”

  “Well look damnit, it’s time you come clean with the lifestyle that you’ve been living! You just put me in jeopardy because you’re trying to live in the closet. Come out! There’s way more room out here Jordyn. Woman up and tell us! Tell Mama and Pop you’re gay, Jordyn! You are almost forty years old, girl. How much longer are you gonna keep this crap up? Huh? It ain’t easy, but you better go on and get it out the way. You can thank me later ’cause Mama already knows!” I shouted. “Now is your time, Jordyn! You need to come clean for your own sake if for nobody else’s. The hell with what someone’s got to say. People gone talk anyway. You ain’t gone lose no clients. You ain’t gone lose me, Mama, Pop and whoever else.”

  I lowered my voice and asked, “So what is going on with you and this Chris broad?”

  “Chris?”

  “Yes nicca! Chris! Christina, Christine, Christian, Chrishenda, Crista, Cristen, whoever the hell, take your pick!”

  “What happened, Nee?” Jordyn asked again.

  “No you tell me, Jordyn! Tell me and tell me now ’cause I’m getting heated again.”

  I alerted Jordyn.

  “Now you know who I’m talking about?” I asked sarcastically.

  She just gave me a blank stare.

  I frowned and continued.

  “Mama and I went to Chevy’s to eat and she came out of nowhere thinking I was you and Mama was my new chick, and we came to her job to floss on her I guess. Kalena and I was up there on Monday after she got engaged and that broad was staring me down then thinking I was you. That she-man came out of nowhere and just hit me in the eye.”

  “In front of Mama?”

  “Yes, and I whipped her ass! That’s cold, you didn’t tell her you were a twin?” I added.

  “You beat her bad?”

  “Had to. She called Mama a bitch and cold-cocked me in my eye, Jordyn, and I busted my lip!” I was screaming again.

  “She called Mama a bitch?”

  “Yes, I told
you she thought Mama was my woman.”

  We were laughing ’cause our mama does look good for her age. The mood changed for the better.

  “Maybe having on matching dresses didn’t help much either. It probably made it worse for Chris.”

  “Yeah, Mama does have one of those maxis. Purple right?”

  “Yep.”

  “I’m sorry, twin. I really am.”

  I looked Jordyn in the eyes and waited. It was time for her to talk.

  “I was never boy crazy Journee. I can remember having a crush on Lisa Bonet.”

  “Well, I had one on Janet Jackson.”

  “Yeah, but you also liked Prince, Michael Jackson, Ralph Tresvant and LL Cool J. I only liked Lisa Bonet. Like, for real. I didn’t realize it was a real crush then though. Did you know that I used to get accused of being gay hanging with y’all?”

  “But you had boyfriends.”

  “Yeah, but I always attracted gay people. If I went to a function, and there was one gay person there, man or woman, I would be the one talking to them. I began being curious, but then fought against the urge to explore. I had no one to talk to. When I looked at girls, I wasn’t sure if I was checking out their fashion or their figures. I don’t have that attraction to men like you do. I had boyfriends because they were nice to me. If they were some eye candy, then yeah, I was open to that. But they didn’t turn me on after awhile. I’ve never experienced an orgasm with none of them.”

  “So, you’re looking for the ultimate climax?”

  She smacked her lips and continued. “When I first laid with a woman, she told me I was straight.”

  “Huh?” I asked.

  “Yeah,” she said, “because I had no intimacy. I wanted to explore more. I like the feel of a woman. Her butt. Her tits. The relationship is like best friends with sensuality and sexuality. I questioned God about this because I had no one to talk to.”

  “No one?”

  “Yeah, no one. What was you gonna say about this Journee? I didn’t want to be judged. I prayed not to be gay. Lord knows I prayed not to be gay and it came to me.”

  “What?”

  “God doesn’t hate gays. It’s in the Bible, it’s there. He commands us to love and value everyone. Genesis 1:27-31, Phil 2:1-5, Phil 4:1, John 3:16, Luke 6:27, 1 Tim 2:5-6, Luke 12:24, 1 Corinthians 13:8, Romans 15:14, Romans 12:9-10, Matt 5:44, Psalm 139:21.”

  “Ok, bible scholar, but don’t kid yourself. You know it’s sinful. I ain’t putting myself in the position to judge nobody ’cause, like mama says, I ain’t got no heaven or hell to put you in.

  I feel His love is all I’m saying, and that’s all that matters, she said.

  So, do you think you were born gay, Jordyn?”

  “No. I think the tomboys like Chris are born gay, and trust me, they get a lot of pussy from straight women.”

  “What?” I ask out of confusion.

  “Gay is a lifestyle, you’re not gay until you adapt that. Like going to gay clubs,” she explained.

  “Oh yeah, you know you’re on Bench and Bar’s website big as day.”

  “I am?”

  “That’s how I found out.”

  “What was you doing on the website, are you… ”

  “I am not!” I cut her off. “You have Facebook to thank for letting me in on your secret life.”

  “How long you been knowing?”

  “How long you been gay?” I asked her.

  “For awhile.”

  “One of Najah’s Facebook friends saw her pictures from Kalena’s graduation and party and recognized my face from it being at the gay club and he told Najah, who of course told me. Then C. Fuller clicked in my mind ’cause she commented on your status telling me to cut my hair off looking like the dude she wish she could be. That was the same day Kalena and I went to Chevy’s to discuss wedding arrangements and Chris was there staring at me, but I didn’t trip at the time. Guess you should have told her that you had a twin sister.”

  “Well, I was tired of being in the closet so thank you for holding the door open for me. I feel much better. Believe me, I’ve been wanting to but I never could plan on the right time.”

  “How did you get with this Chris person?”

  “We were at Folk Art on Piedmont when I saw her. It’s obvious that she’s gay right? I kept walking past her, made small talk, and decided to meet for coffee. She invited me over but she was putting the moves on me too fast and I didn’t like that. I thought maybe I was straight. She kept inviting me over and I kept going back. I was nervous about it but curious at the same time. As I became more interested, my welcome sign for men to approach me was no more.”

  I shook my head and Jordyn continued.

  “Then I wanted to get the sex part over with, you know?

  I looked more intensely at her.

  “So, she rode me and we ate each other out.”

  I almost threw up in my mouth.

  She smiled. “I like the way it feels and with a tomboy. You get both.”

  I gave her a look of confusion, and she replied to my expression.

  “The relationship is the same, Journee. Gay girls play gender roles, they cheat and lie but the only difference is girls can be more intimate with each other.”

  “You sound like a pro, Jordyn,” I said. “But it seems very easy to cheat on a woman with a woman.”

  “Yes, and that’s why Chris and I are over.”

  “The same drama, right?”

  “I’m single right now.”

  “Would you date a man again?”

  “Yeah, but he would have to be feminine.”

  I was done after that.

  WTH? I wasn’t convinced she was a lesbo. I thought she was being curious right now.

  “Hey twin, I’m sorry and thanks for taking one for the team!” she said, reaching for a hug.

  We embraced. I hugged her longer than normal. I didn’t want to let her go. I wanted to protect her forever in my arms.

  “Ok, congrats on coming out of the closet. Now you have to tell Mama and Pops.” I said.

  “Well, talking to you about it has helped, so I have the courage to tell Mama and Pop now, I think.”

  “Well, it will be good if you did, because you need to. Just make sure Pop is sitting down.

  One more thing, and then we can start on your new hair color ’cause I got to get my day going.” She said.

  “What?” I asked.

  “What comes on a second gay date?”

  “What, girl?”

  “A U-Haul truck,” Jordyn said and laughed. I laughed too.

  “I guess that’s because your relationship starts fast, huh?”

  “Yep, pretty much.”

  I wished that was the case for Jason or even Sean. But definitely with Jason. I began to feel a little jealous. Oh well.

  Chapter 20

  I WILL SURVIVE

  The gang was at Tommy T’s in Pleasanton. Derrick was performing. I caught the eyes of one of the bouncers staring at me. He was a bouncer, meaning bigger than I like, but he kept smiling and he wasn’t bad on the eyes. He was just too big for my liking.

  I was feeling good that night too. My new hair color was the bomb and it couldn’t have come at a better time, now that my twin was swimming in the other pond. I just wished I had got it earlier. Maybe that would have saved me from doing a night in jail with heroin addicts, and playing bid whist with a 22-year-old girl who would never see the light of day because she killed her baby daddy at a party. He had pushed his luck with her and she shot him straight in the head.

  She was so sweet though.

  I didn’t understand why they had me in the holding tank with a murderer. Lucky for me, Chris dropped the charges and I dropped mine too. That w
asn’t the way to go, but I guessed it was alright to say we settled it out of court. She gave Jordyn a check for $1500 to give me. She knew she was in the wrong in the first place. I didn’t wanna get put in another cross like that ever. But I was glad to know that I can still chunk ‘em, even though my knuckles were sore for two days. My lip healed in about a week with some Neosporin and my eye took about two weeks with the help of Preparation H.