Right Before My Eyes

by Michelle Robinson

  Najah messaged back, “what about my lipgloss?”

  I replied, “nope”.

  Chelsea replied, “ok, I got a red maternity dress I just bought from a Pea In A Pod.

  I replied, “sounds cute, can I wear it! LOL”

  She sent a smiley face.

  I went into my closet to put my outfit together. We all probably were gonna skip church this Sunday. We got some partying and drinking to do, so I could dress more casual.

  The first thing I looked at were my white jeans. They fit like a glove and looked so good, but it was November and I wasn’t sure if I could wear white. I thought the rules had changed to where you could wear white all year, but I thought to look for something else to wear.

  I wanted to wear a dress too. It was early November, but the weather was still kinda nice in Northern California.

  I decided on my black True Religion jeans, but I was afraid they had too much metal on them to pass the metal detector.

  “Ugh!” I said out loud. This is where it got frustrating for me. But this time of the year isn’t so stressful like in the summer when it’s over 100 degrees.

  I decided I would wear my zip-detail cropped khakis. I figured I’d show some legs.

  Shoot. I remembered the zippers wouldn’t make it through the metal detector. I looked at my sleeveless pretty, pale pink and black prairie dress with the wide, ruffled neckline. Maybe I could put a tank top under it just in case the neckline was too low for them meaner than a dog correctional guards. Then, I could wear a short sweater with it.

  I tried it on. It was too town-and-country.

  I went back to the white jeans and decided to make them work before I gave up on this trip to jail. I pulled out a purple puff sleeve top. The sleeves were three-quarter length with a belt and it stopped right at the booty.

  I thought to put my white stretch rayon blend blazer but I went for my vintage short white leather jacket. It had the worn look to it, so there’s tan intertwined with the white to make it look less white. But the puff sleeves on my shirt made the jacket snug, so I opted to layer myself with a thick tank top and a multi colored thin scarf for my neck.

  For the shoes, I tried on my leather magenta peep toe boots by Rachel Roy. I loved the way the colors in the scarf made my purples blend together.

  My full length mirror gave me a seal of approval, and I was happy this part of the visit was complete. I could add the jewelry and makeup on Sunday when I actually got dressed.

  I got undressed and pulled out my jail bra, the one with no underwire and some sheer nude panties for the white jeans. Even though they’re thick jeans and I could wear red panties under them if I wanted to and still abide by all the fashion rules.

  The women who visited other inmates killed me with their dress codes.

  They were some wear whatever types, who tried their best to look a mess. Then you had the tomboy look which was popular ’cause it was easier. It consisted of just sweatpants, t—shirts, and tennis shoes.

  Then there were the ones who did too much. They wore their nightclub shoes up there. I guessed they were trying to look sexy for their men.

  I would laugh in my head all the time. It was always some questionable dressed-up folks up there, and then it was the ones that didn’t know the dress code and had to go to the Friendship House to borrow clothes so that they could be allowed in the visiting room.

  I did that once or twice and I ain’t never doing that again. Sometimes the guards would pick on you. They’d find the smallest thing to deny your privilege of a visit.

  I think their job was to discourage you from coming up there in the first place. They picked on me from time to time.

  The last time was because the strap of my dress wasn’t wide enough. One guard said the strap had to be as wide as my driver’s license. They were forever making up rules as they go.

  She asked me was I coming back. I said no, just tell Mr. Mills that I came and y’all hated on my visit.

  They would tell him too, so at least he knew I did try to come see him.

  On those occasions, I would call to see what Najah was doing since she lived in Vallejo. When I could catch up with her, we would go to the outlet mall in Vacaville or we would go to the Century Theater movies in Vallejo.

  One of Jordyn’s clients worked there. He was a thin cute dark-skinned guy. He was too young for Najah, I guess. But his locs were long and beautiful. He was cool and since I was his stylist’s twin sister, he would charge us one senior citizen ticket and treat us to whatever we wanted at the concession stand.

  Then we would shop in that plaza.

  There was a Ross, Marshalls, Michaels, Linen N Things, Pier One, Cost Plus and Old Navy.

  One time we went to Jovance and a girl named Mia gave me the best facial ever. Then we had dinner. We could never decide in less than five minutes where to eat.

  We would choose between Olive Garden, Red Lobster, Chevy’s, Pasta Pomodoro or Black Angus. Just then, my thought was interrupted by Eric Benet’s song You’re The Only One I Need. I turned it up and danced on the floor butt naked.

  Chapter 31

  Blame It

  My crackberry was ringing off the hook at rehearsal in the church where Todd and Kalena will get married.

  It was his mother’s church; The Upper Room Church of God in Christ on 34th Street.

  I was walking down the aisle with my godson, Brandon. Jordyn was walking with Todd’s youngest uncle. Chelsea was walking with one of Todd’s cousins, Najah was walking with another one of Todd’s cousins, and Ashley walked down by herself as Kalena’s maid of honor.

  Todd’s best man was his best friend, Lawrence.

  They all got a kick out of there being a set of twins in the bridal party. They called us by our hair color ’cause that was the only distinction.

  Todd was an only child. His mom said she did it right the first time, so she didn’t need to have more children. She was funny but even more funny that night because she was drunk. I think all of us were.

  I know I was ’cause there was too much going on.

  Taking inventory, Jules and I were on a break, Jason was coming into town tonight and wanted to see me, I was in a wedding all day the next day and going to see Drew on Sunday.

  I took a deep breath and thought about Sean, my stress reliever.

  I wondered how Sean was doing these days.

  That must be the alcohol talking. I laughed at myself.

  “Journee, come on!” Kalena shouted at me.

  I was the first bridesmaid to walk so I really had to get my steps together.

  “Ok, start the music over again. I got it. I got it. Start on my left foot.”

  I was expecting to hear Nothing Has Ever Felt Like This by Will and Rachelle, but instead Jamie Foxx’s new hit Blame It came on, and the crowd went wild.

  Brandon and I started dancing and Ashley and Chelsea and the groomsmen joined in.

  Kalena and Todd were pissed at us.

  We didn’t care. We just partied right in the church house.

  Even Mama Len and Todd’s mom was dancing.

  To me, it looked like everyone was grooving but Todd and Kalena.

  Then the music stopped and Kalena started screaming at all of us to stop playing and get serious. She went on about having a million things to do before the wedding started at 2 pm, and she appreciated it if we could stop playing on her dime.

  “Your dime?” Ashley said.

  “My dime, all of our dime.”

  “Your wedding has cost me a fortune. Not to mention my time! So, Kalena, you need to get it together and have some fun. It’s a wedding not a funeral!”

  We all agreed.

  “You’re right Ash, but can we party tomorrow? I really do appreciate everyone’s time and effor
ts and money and will do it for you when your time comes too. Just know that. I want to make sure you all are on one accord so we can eat and go.”

  “What food y’all got?” one of the groomsmen asked.

  “We ordered some soul food from Tasty Inspirations.” Todd said.

  “Where’s Tasty Inspirations?”

  “She’s the daughter of Lady Esther. Remember Southern Café?” Todd’s mom asked.

  “Yeah, what happened to them?”

  “They closed but she’s catering on her own now.”

  “Well, what we eating?” another groomsman asked.

  “Well, Ms. M is catering the wedding, so tomorrow we having short ribs, smothered turkey wings and catfish with all the fixings. Tonight she did fried chicken wings and po’ boy sandwiches with fries and potato salad. She also made banana pudding,” Todd’s mama said.

  “Ok, can we take it from the top?” Kalena asked.

  She was trying her best not to become a bridezilla and I was proud of her. I knew she was stressed.

  I think that’s why we all got tipsy, so she could be the only one stressed. No sense in us all participating in that drama with the both of them.

  The right song came on and we all did our march until everyone got it right.

  Nearly two hours later, we were in the fellowship hall eating. Jules had called my crackberry 42 times since the rehearsal. I had my ringer on silent since we were in the church.

  I wondered what he wanted.

  He texted, “Oh I guess you’re with your other man.”

  I thought to myself not yet punk.

  I smiled just thinking about Jason. I saw a BBM from Jason. It said, “Wheels up!!!!!!!!” That meant his plane has taken off.

  It was an hour and a half flight and he should be here by now.

  Just then, he called.

  “Hello?” I said.

  “Whassupppppppppppp!!!” he said loudly in the phone.

  It made me laugh a little.

  “Nothing, just eating some good ole food and waiting on my boy to come.”

  “Who?”

  “You!” I shouted.

  He started laughing and so did I.

  “Well, I’m hungry! Tell Kalena to feed her boy.”

  “For real?”

  “Yeah,” he confirmed. I told him to hold on and asked Kalena in private if he could join us.

  In twenty minutes, we made room for Jason to sit next to me at the table.

  I fixed his plate and he graciously digged in. He ended up knowing Todd’s cousins. They went to Havenscourt Jr. High together and they played basketball together.

  We all had a good time, even though Kalena and Chelsea thought Jason was a jerk. Their take on him was how could he be so stupid to not want to be with me.

  We all blamed it on intimidation. Even Najah agreed even though she liked Drew. But like Derrick would always say, when I started flirting with the hustle, failure became my ex, now I’m engaged to the game and married to success.

  Najah always saw the good in people and tried to stick with that, so she enjoyed Jason’s company. This was our first time seeing each other since he left six years ago. The thought of that gave me an uneasy feeling.

  When someone left you, it screamed “you’re not good enough for me.” So I tried being calm with my flask in my purse.

  The shot I took before he got here was kicking in. The Patron was talking to me and I was horny. It had been a week since I had some and was hot down there.

  We left the rehearsal dinner and decided to meet and hang out some more at Somar in Uptown. Uptown was the brand new downtown Oakland area. There were new lofts built, and to compliment the area, a few new lounges, clubs, bars and restaurants had opened. That was just what we needed, but I hoped these new places would stay open for awhile.

  Oakland needed some new nightlife, but to be honest, places often had a Grand Opening and a Grand Closing all in one year here in Oakland.

  Chelsea of course, went home.

  So did Jordyn.

  She wanted to look sexy tomorrow so she needed her rest.

  Kalena and Najah said they wasn’t staying long.

  Ashley was gonna hang with the guys and Jason and I had other plans.

  We went to my house to drop off my SUV.

  I hopped in his rental. I didn’t know exactly what it was, but it was white and a four door.

  “Well, looks like we don’t need those dinner reservations after all, huh Nee?”

  “Yeah, ’cause we ate good already.”

  “Thanks for letting me intrude on the rehearsal dinner. Seems like all the girls are the same except for Chelsea. Who she pregnant by?” he asked.

  “Her boyfriend, “I said.

  “Oh, I didn’t know she had one.”

  “How would you know?” I shouted. “You don’t live here anymore!”

  Jason looked at me. I looked at him. We stared at one another. He was still fine. Maybe even finer. Vegas surely settled him down.

  He looked well kept. He looked married.

  We ended up next to the Coliseum near a small mass of water. It was intimate, and I had never known about this place as many times as I’ve been to the football games, basketball games, baseball games and concerts.

  I never even knew this spot was here. I could have been coming here back in my twenties.

  I was gonna ask him how did he know about this spot, but I already figured that sex and a girl was involved.

  I didn’t need to clutter my mind with any more Jason data. I was ready for a change I could believe in. Just like with the Obama campaign.

  “So Journee, I wanted to talk to you face to face to see if something is still there between us. I really do love you and I really didn’t know your true feelings until I got to Vegas. Maybe if you would have told me instead of your friends, things would have been different.”

  “Well, let’s deal with what’s at hand now. ’Cause we can’t go back now,” I said.

  I was shocked I actually said that. This man melted my heart and here I was acting like I didn’t have any feelings for him. Time had passed and things had changed.

  “Since you didn’t come back here with a U-Haul truck ready to move in with me and get married, let’s just say you are the one who got away.”

  Ok, now really? Who was I right now? Where was the old me?

  Like that?” Jason asked.

  “I mean what, Jason? You want me to continue to wish, wonder and wait on you? You ain’t coming back.”

  “Huh?”

  “You bought a round-trip ticket, right?”

  “Yes,” he answered.

  “Ok.” I said, “so your plan is to leave again and return to your life in Vegas.”

  “I had to get up out of here, Nee, or I would end up in jail or dead. You know I was doing dirt on the side and it was getting out of hand. My old girlfriend called me up one day pouring her heart out to me and I went to visit. I liked it out there. She and I had a heart to heart talk and I left Oakland for selfish reasons. Soon as I got there, things got bad with her insecurities, but I made a promise to myself to make it work there. I got two jobs and played golf a lot to stay away from her as much as possible.”

  “What do you want, sympathy, Jason?”

  “Journee, I really am trying to be better. I want us to continue to be friends no matter what. Let’s make a pact to be friends till the dirt and if there’s chance for us, I will take it. Now that I know.”

  “That’s not how my feelings work Jason. You’ve moved on and I now I need to. I mean, I loved you and you were too blind to see all the things that I did for you. And since I didn’t tell you… no wait, you’re the man, you’re supposed to pursue me. I’m the girl. But sinc
e you weren’t man enough, you dumped me and left the state to be with another woman because she persuaded you. That must be where you want to be. But now you’re not happy in your relationship. Is that why you’re here without her?”

  He was speechless. Staring into space or somewhere in that direction. I was facing him. He had all my attention.

  “I messed up. And she gives me such a hard time about you. She can’t stand that we still talk. I don’t hide you from her so why would she trip? I mean you’re in Oakland and I’m in Vegas. She makes me sick. She looks through my phone. She’s even called you, but you never answered. She doesn’t trust me and I don’t do nothing. I wish I could go back and start again. I’m really sorry, Journee, because you did really love me. I’m thinking about all the things we shared and did together. I mean I knew you cared about me… ”