Witch Snitch

by Sibéal Pounder

  Someone started singing in the cave.

  ‘IT’S THEM!’ Lizzie Beast roared, mowing Tiga down as she raced for the cave. Tiga got to her feet and scuttled after her – the rocks slippery and slimy underfoot.

  ‘TIGA!’ Fluffanora shouted, racing after her. ‘WAIT FOR ME!’

  Fran came gliding after them in her swimming costume.

  Tiga rounded the corner and saw multicoloured lights streaming from one of the caves.

  ‘QUICKLY!’ Lizzie Beast yelled back to them. ‘You don’t want to miss filming this!’

  The Silver Rats were recording their new album, Broomstick in Your Soup. The first song on the album was also called ‘Broomstick in Your Soup’ and went something like:

  Soup! Soup! You’ve got broomstick in your soup!

  ‘Hate it,’ Fran muttered under her breath to Fluffanora, who nodded in agreement.

  ‘Ah,’ Tiga said. ‘It’s confidential because you’re so famous.’

  Big Ratty, the lead singer, nodded. ‘Yeah, and we don’t want people knowing we record in this cave – you’ll need to keep it a secret.’

  Lizzie Beast set up the camera with a dazed look on her face.

  ‘You’re putting it together all wrong!’ Fran fussed around her, moving bits into place while Lizzie Beast stared ahead, as if in a trance. ‘Really, Lizzie,’ Fran said. ‘I don’t see why you’re star-struck around these amateurs when you spend all your time with famous me!’

  ‘We’re here,’ Tiga said into the camera, ‘with the Silver Rats!’

  Fran had let her present because she wasn’t all that fussed about the Silver Rats.

  ‘Their names are Big Ratty, Tails and Jam Jar, but their real names are Lydia Claw, Gemma Grey and Annie Legs, although no one is allowed to call them by their real names. Big Ratty is the lead singer, and she only wears clothes that have fallen from the pipes and been redesigned by a witch called Scissors who lives in a small invisible house in the forest.’

  Big Ratty stared at her, the silver paint that covered her face glistening. ‘Where did you hear that rubbish?’

  Tiga cursed Aggie Hoof under her breath. ‘Just … somewhere … not important.’

  The three of them began to tune their instruments, singing loudly as they did so.

  ‘I just have a couple of standard Witchoween questions,’ Tiga said, the piece of paper in her hand shaking as she held it up. ‘Any of you can answer. Question number one, what top tip would you give a witch who would like to have a job like yours?’

  ‘Write all your thoughts down,’ Jam Jar said. ‘Fill notebooks with lyric ideas.’

  ‘What object,’ Tiga asked, ‘would you never part with?’

  ‘My Silver Rats hat, of course,’ Big Ratty said. ‘We had them specially made by Mrs Brew in Ritzy City. She got the rats ears just right.’

  ‘And finally,’ Tiga said, clearing her throat. ‘What toothpaste do you use?’

  ‘Slimeeze,’ Big Ratty said. ‘Because they have limited-edition tubes that sing our songs while you brush your teeth.’

  ‘Well, we’ve seen enough here!’ Fran shouted, fingers in her ears.

  ‘No!’ Tiga cried.

  Fran shrugged, her fingers still in her ears. ‘I DIDN’T CATCH A WORD OF THAT!’

  Fluffanora scooped the little fairy from the air and stuffed her in the trunk. It started shaking violently.

  ‘Ah,’ Fluffanora said, sitting on it. ‘That’s better.’

  The Silver Rats all turned at once to face them, in that cool, coordinated, only-the-Silver-Rats-can-turn-like-that way. Tiga really wanted the rat ears they had on their hats.

  ‘Maybe they can help,’ Big Ratty said.

  Jam Jar smiled.

  ‘We have a problem,’ Tails said. ‘We’re stuck. We’ve run out of juice.’

  ‘I’ll go get some Clutterbucks,’ Fluffanora said efficiently, getting up from the trunk.

  ‘No, not drinking juice,’ Jam Jar said coolly. ‘Song juice. Creative juice. We can’t think of the final song for the album.’

  ‘Well,’ Tiga said. ‘I’m sure … we could help?’

  ‘Are you musician witches too?’ Big Ratty asked. ‘Are you that new band, Flat Hat Bat Parade?

  Tiga shook her head.

  ‘Sometimes when I run my hair through my teeth it makes a musical sound,’ Lizzie Beast said.

  Fluffanora groaned.

  ‘No …’ Big Ratty said, flicking her finger and making a series of jam jars appear. ‘I like that!’

  ‘Like what?’ Tiga said, as Big Ratty began to tap the jam jars, making a tune.

  Hair and teeth make musical sounds

  Musical sounds

  Hair and teeth

  Lizzie Beast

  Musical sounds

  ‘I can’t believe you like this band,’ Fluffanora whispered to Tiga. ‘What is wrong with you?’

  Little fairy in a trunk,

  Swimming costume

  Fairy trunk

  Armbands on

  Nowhere to go

  Small mouth

  Shrill fairy sounds

  ‘It’s experimental music,’ Tiga said defensively.

  Fairy sounds

  From the trunk

  Eeeeeear paaaaain.

  ‘Well, I think we got it,’ Big Ratty said, pulling off her hat and smudging her silver make-up. ‘We’ll call it “Lizzie Long Hair and the Swimming Fairy”.’

  ‘You’ve got a Silver Rats song named after you!’ Tiga said, her shoulders sagging slightly with the weight of gigantic jealousy. ‘A SILVER RATS SONG NAMED AFTER YOU!’

  Lizzie Beast grinned and turned purple, clearly pleased with herself, but also hugely embarrassed by all the attention.

  Fran crossed her arms angrily inside the trunk, making her armbands squeak. ‘Swimming fairy? It’s Fran the FABULOUS fairy, thank you.’

  Five Things You Didn’t Know About The Silver Rats, by Tiga

  1.They do secret concerts around Sinkville. They bewitch a puddle and you jump through it to get to the concert. Only superfans know how to identify a Silver Rats puddle from a regular puddle.

  2.Their superfans are called Wigglers.

  3.Their bestselling song, ‘I Want to Curse Your Loved Ones’, accidentally made its way above the pipes, and was played on human radio, cursing millions. The spell was, thankfully, quickly reversed by Gretal Green at NAPA.

  4.They travel in a bewitched pumpkin shaped like a rat. It can fly two thousand times faster than a broom.

  5.Big Ratty’s aunt is Bettie Cranberry in the Coves. It’s rumoured that’s where the Silver Rats live – although they refuse to confirm or deny these claims.

  How to Write a Song for Your Party

  The host of the Witchoween party should fill in the blanks, along with three other guests, and everyone sings:

  It’s Witchoween! It’s Witchoween! And we are here to say that we love [INSERT FAVOURITE FOOD] and [INSERT FAVOURITE PLACE YOU’VE BEEN ON HOLIDAY] and [INSERT FAVOURITE PET’S NAME]!

  (Sing the host’s version first, then guest one, then guest two, then guest three, then finish with the host’s version again – but this time shout it.)

  The Coves!

  Fluffanora was trying to balance on the bucking trunk.

  ‘Let her out,’ Tiga said warily. ‘And stand back.’

  Fluffanora flipped the trunk open and Fran came whizzing out, screaming at Fluffanora,

  ‘YOULOCKEDMEINTHEREANDYOUCAN’TDOTHATYOUSHOULDGOTOPRISON –’

  ‘The Silver Rats made up a song and it’s sort of about you,’ Fluffanora said casually.

  Fran fell to the floor with a bang, clutching her heart. She reached up a tiny little hand. ‘FAME,’ she gasped as she grabbed at the air.

  ‘She says thank you,’ Tiga said to the Silver Rats.

  Jam Jar forced a smile. ‘Where are you off to for your documentary next?’ she asked Tiga.

  ‘Oh,’ Tiga said with a goofy smile as she checked her notebook. ‘The Cov
es. It was my favourite part of the Witch Wars competition.’

  ‘Ah,’ Big Ratty said. ‘You’re Tiga from Witch Wars. I knew I recognised your face. We all wanted you to win. Well, Tiga, you’re in luck, because this little cave has a secret passage and I think you’ll like where it leads …’

  ‘Well, I was not aware of this secret passage!’ Fran said as they all made their way down the dark and winding secret passageway the Silver Rats had shown them. ‘And I know almost all the secret places in Sinkville. Even I’m learning things from this documentary, and I’m making it.’

  ‘SOMETHING JUST TOUCHED MY FACE,’ Fluffanora shouted.

  ‘It’s probably just the cool air,’ Tiga said, although she was sure something had touched her face too. It was definitely getting colder – they were making their way from the Cauldron Islands back to the mainland.

  ‘If this is leading us where I think it’s leading us, then it’s going to take us about ten hours to walk,’ Fluffanora said.

  ‘I’ll magic the trunk!’ Fran cried from the darkness ahead. ‘Then you can all sit on it and zip along – we’ll be there in no time!’

  FIVE SECONDS LATER …

  ‘I am many excellent things,’ Fran said boastfully as they emerged from the tunnel. ‘And efficient is one of them.’

  Fluffanora plonked the trunk down and stared up at the large, dark house that towered above them.

  They had arrived at the exact spot Tiga had hoped to see.

  ‘ECHO!’ Tiga cried.

  Echo echo echo echo went the cave.

  ‘NO ONE CALLED ECHO LIVES HERE, GO AWAY!’ came a cry as the door to the rambling old house was flung open.

  ‘Lily Cranberry!’ Tiga cried, racing over to the witch and giving her a big hug.

  ‘I’m ready for my Witchoween close-up,’ Lily said.

  ‘No matter how much I learn about this place, and the fact that it’s not a dangerous cove but is actually filled with wonderful witches, it still never fails to creep me out,’ Fluffanora whispered to Tiga as Lily’s sister Bettie trotted out of the house, grabbed the trunk and chucked it effortlessly through the window in the highest turret!

  ‘It’s the cake and fun,’ she said as they all stared at her in amazement. She leaned forward and flexed her bicep in Tiga’s face. ‘Gives you muscles.’

  ‘ACTION!’ Fran roared. She’d decided to direct this one.

  ‘First question,’ Tiga said. ‘What’s your favourite party game?’

  ‘I’ll show you!’ Lily Cranberry said, making off down the corridor. She stopped about halfway and stomped five times on the carpet.

  ‘What are you doing?’ Fran said, sounding spooked.

  There was a creaking sound and the carpet rolled away obediently, revealing a trapdoor.

  Tiga knelt down and slowly lifted it. Beneath it lay a sparkly slide.

  ‘Well go on!’ Lily Cranberry cried, pushing the little witch head first down it.

  Tiga grinned as she went flying, her skirt around her neck, her heart beating in what felt like her nose. Down and down she went in a perfectly straight line, landing with a crunch in a room filled with partying witches. She got to her feet and cheered!

  The witches in the room all threw their arms in the air and cheered back.

  Fluffanora and Fran came tumbling after her, followed by Lizzie Beast, who was rolling in a perfect circle, so when she crashed into the crowd of cheering witches she knocked all but two of them over, like an excellent bowling ball.

  In the middle of the room was a table, and on it, a pair of gloves, a witch’s hat, a cape, a spoon and a gigantic seven-tiered black cake covered in sprinkles.

  ‘It’s a new game!’ Lily Cranberry cried. ‘Possibly our best party game yet. We call it Cake Witch Five.’

  ‘Why five?’ Fluffanora asked.

  Bettie Cranberry produced a glossy black die from her pocket. ‘Because five is the magic number. At least in this game anyway. All you have to do is take it in turns to roll the die. If you roll a five, you have to dart over to the table, put on the outfit and eat as much cake as you can with the spoon before one of the other competitors rolls a five.’

  Fran rubbed her hands together with glee. ‘Lizzie Beast, START ROLLING!’

  Lizzie Beast curled up in a ball. The witches groaned and quickly took a step backwards.

  ‘No,’ Fran said faintly. ‘Roll the camera. Get the camera rolling. You know, film it.’

  ‘Oh,’ Lizzie Beast said, sheepishly getting to her feet. ‘Of course.’

  The game was a fix. Fran rolled a five every time. And every time she did so, there was a suspicious puff of glittery dust.

  ‘Fran, you’re cheating!’ Tiga cried.

  ‘Mhumf?’ Fran said, her cheeks packed full of cake.

  ‘You look like an above-the-pipes hamster,’ Fluffanora said.

  Fran shrugged and kept on eating.

  ‘It’s important to remember,’ Lily said into the camera, ‘that the first rule of cake is to put in lots of things that you like, then it will always taste good. For example, jam, chocolate, dancing.’

  ‘How can you put dancing in a cake?’ Tiga asked.

  The other witches cackled.

  ‘No, seriously,’ Tiga said.

  ‘Oh. Well, you just …’ She put an elbow in the centre of the cake, knocking Fran out of the way, and jiggled it. ‘Now it has dancing in it.’

  Five Things You Didn’t Know About Lily Cranberry, by Tiga

  1.Lily Cranberry thought of the band name the Silver Rats.

  2.She holds the record for hosting the longest party (894 years).

  3.She considers every day Witchoween in the Coves and believes every witch should be celebrated and feel special every day.

  4.She has fallen head first into cakes 894 times.

  5.She uses the secret passage to holiday on the Cauldron Islands, where she pretends her name is Pamela-Patricia Crumpet-Darling.

  How to Play the Cove Witches’ Cake-Eating Party Game

  WHAT YOU’LL NEED:

  •A pair of gloves

  •A witch’s hat

  •A cape

  •A spoon

  •A gigantic seven-tiered multicoloured, black-sprinkle-covered cake (or something smaller if you don’t have time)

  •A die

  HOW TO PLAY:

  •Each contestant rolls the die. If you roll a five, you dart over to the cake, put on the witch items and begin eating the cake with a spoon.

  •Meanwhile, all the other competitors continue rolling the die. When someone else rolls a five, the person in the witch costume eating the cake has to STOP and switch places with the witch who rolled the five. The new witch who rolled the five now races to put on all the witch items and eat the cake with the spoon.

  •The aim of the game is to get the most cake.

  •Make sure to roll the die as fast as you can!

  Gretal Green in NAPA

  Getting to the next stop – Silver City – was easy from the coves. Lily Cranberry bewitched one of the four-poster beds in the house and they flew straight there on it.

  Tiga could tell her mum was surprised when a gigantic bed filled with witches landed outside her office, but she managed to keep a straight face.

  ‘I feel very lucky to be in the Witchoween documentary this year,’ Gretal Green said modestly. ‘What a treat!’

  ‘We’ll need to film some of your inventions,’ Fran said, bossily pushing her way inside. ‘And you’ll need to explain what they are because they are all odd and I can’t make head nor cat’s tail of them!’

  Gretal Green smiled and led them towards her office. Tiga was always very proud of how impressed her friends were when they saw it.

  ‘Wow,’ Lizzie Beast said as she stepped inside.

  ‘Oh no! Don’t say WOW,’ Gretal Green said, ducking as a giant pipe glided across the roof and ground to a halt above Lizzie Beast.

  Lizzie Beast looked up slowly.

  ‘I … just �
�� Um,’ Gretal Green said, trying to push the pipe with a flick of her finger.

  There was a hiss. A gurgle.

  A tonne of water came shooting out, and then SPLOOOOSH.

  Lizzie Beast stood motionless and stiff, her long hair sodden and draped over her face. A small puddle sat at her feet.

  ‘The Witch-o-Wash,’ Gretal Green said sheepishly. ‘You say w-o-w to summon it.’

  Fran clapped enthusiastically. ‘Bravo! Now you need to make a small one for fairies. I’d drown in that one – oh, WOW, was that a lot of water!’

  ‘NO!’ the witches cried.

  Fran hovered in the corner, sulkily wringing out her skirt. She hadn’t drowned, which was the main thing. Her beehive was soaked and lopsided, so she insisted Tiga do the presenting for this one. Plus, it was Tiga’s mum. And Fran was now scared of the gadgets.

  Gretal Green showed Tiga a very slick black jumpsuit. ‘This is our latest spy suit for above the pipes. It comes with human-style trainers that can make the wearer invisible at the flick of a finger, and we’ve rejigged the slugs so they can travel on a little leash with the spy witch and morph into any pet that fits the setting – a sausage dog for London, a cow for the country.’

  ‘I don’t … think humans, um, walk cows on leashes.’

  ‘Or even a crocodile for more exotic locations.’

  ‘Again,’ Tiga said, ‘um, I don’t think humans walk crocodiles. In fact, I know they don’t walk croc–’

  ‘And what’s this?’ Fran said grumpily, pointing at a tray of sweets and chocolate.

  ‘Oh,’ Gretal Green said. ‘That’s an exact replica of what was stolen from the sweet shop above the pipes … by Mrs Clutterbuck. You see, she tried to pay in sinkels and they wouldn’t accept them, so she ran. It’s created a problem because now the humans are investigating a robbery and trying to figure out where sinkels came from. I’ve been recruited by Peggy and the Witch Order to fix the situation. I can’t talk about it on camera.’