Something For The Pain

by Victoria Ashley

“That’s okay,” I say honestly. “I wanted to touch you too. I’m trying not to. I’m really trying.”

  “Me too, babe. It’s so fucking hard.” Opening the curtain, Alex grabs for the nearest towel. “I’ll let you finish showering.” He looks me up and down with pained eyes. It almost looks as if he’s hurting. “I won’t touch you again, Tripp. I’ll grab my guitar and meet you in bed.”

  As soon as the curtain closes and I hear Alex disappear into his room, I lose it. I fall against the wall and place both of my hands over my chest. This is getting too hard. My need to be with him is too much. It scares me.

  Hearing him say, I won’t touch you again, Tripp, felt like a knife twisting in my chest. It hurt. Why did it hurt so damn bad?

  I’ve completely fallen in love with my best friend, and just the thought of this ending and him going back to being with other girls feels as if my world is ending. I’m completely fucked . . .

  I WAKE EARLY IN THE morning, wrapped in Tripp’s half naked body. I wasn’t going to sleep in her bed last night, but after playing my guitar for a while and seeing the look in her eyes when I was about to leave, I caved. That look killed me. Sleeping in her bed has always been something that I’ve done growing up, so why not allow myself to still do it? After Lucas comes back, I may not get the opportunity again.

  Fuuuck me. . . . That thought pisses me the hell off.

  I’m completely lost in this woman and there’s not a damn thing I can do about it but force myself to treat her like I used to; like my best friend, and not someone that I want to make love to until the early hours of the morning. I never knew that falling for your best friend could hurt so fucking much, but I wouldn’t change this feeling for the world. She’s always been the one thing to keep my pain away, and now because of me she will be the cause of it.

  From the rhythm of her heavy breathing I know that she’s still deeply asleep, so I lean over and allow myself to kiss the corner of her mouth one last time. My chest fucking aches as I pull away and watch her twitch a little from my touch.

  I need some fresh air. I feel as if I’m suffocating in here, wanting to do the things that I know I need to put an end to. If I stay here with Tripp I know I’m going to ruin us both. I can’t allow that.

  Jumping out of bed, but being careful not to wake her, I throw on my shirt and head outside for a run; a long fucking run, and I’m hoping it will do something to ease this tightness in my chest. I need some kind of release, anything at this point, and the way I’ve been feeling lately . . . fighting off steam sounds good. I need to stay away from that lifestyle and I know it. Memphis will kill my ass if I end up back in the alley. Looks like I’ll be spending a lot of time getting acquainted with these open roads.

  In the whole hour or more that I’ve been running, Tripp hasn’t left my mind yet. That worries me. The more I think about Lucas coming home and me not being able to touch her like I have for the last week, the stronger my anger grows, and a resentment towards Lucas builds. Running isn’t doing shit to put the flame out that is burning in my chest.

  That asshole will be the one touching her, tasting her, and sleeping next to her at night. Not me. Not fucking me.

  “Fucking shit!”

  Stopping, I grip my sweaty hair and stand here for a moment, hating myself. I let this happen. I’m the one that kissed Tripp in the first place and talked her into thinking that everything would be okay. I’m the one that wanted to make love to her in front of Lucas to show him how she should be treated. It’s my fault that things may never be the same between us. I was weak. She makes me weak, even though I’ve fought hard to be nothing but strong for her over the years.

  Leaning over I grip my knees and fight to catch my breath. I need to do something. The question is. . . . What the fuck am I supposed to do? I’ve fallen so deep that I may not have any other choice but to pull her under with me.

  I start running again, fast and hard. I run for what feels like forever; my body aching, my lungs about to explode, and my heart fucking hurting for Tripp.

  Two hours later I’m standing outside the back of our house, letting myself in through the gate. I’m surprised when I see Tripp sitting next to the pool in her panties and a tank top. I instantly get hard, and hate myself for not being able to fight it.

  “Hi,” she says as I close the gate behind me. “You look exhausted.”

  “I should still be out there, honestly.” Yanking my shirt off, I run it over my face and head, wiping away the sweat that is pouring down my body. I see her eyes taking in my flexing muscles, working their way down to my erection, and it does nothing to rid my dirty thoughts of her. “You’re awake,” I say, in hopes to keep my dirty mouth in check. “It’s early.”

  She inhales and starts splashing her feet in the water. I hate seeing her look stressed, and I hate it even more that I might be the cause of it. “Yeah, Lucas sent me a text and woke me up. I noticed that you were gone and couldn’t go back to sleep. I needed some fresh air.”

  I hate knowing that she was talking to Lucas this morning, and a part of me wants to know if she misses him. I probably shouldn’t ask, but . . .

  “Do you miss him, Tripp?”

  Her face looks pained when her eyes meet mine, but she quickly shakes it off and goes back to splashing her legs in the water, going deeper this time. It’s as if she wants to avoid my question. “I don’t know . . .”

  I swallow hard and take a seat beside her, dipping my legs into the water and wrapping them around hers, capturing them. “I don’t think you do,” I say honestly. I pull her closer to me and push her hair behind her shoulder, letting my eyes take in her beauty. All I can think about is biting that sexy neck and then soothing it with my tongue. Control Alex. Fucking control. “I think we both know that you two don’t belong together. I think you’re just settling and I fucking hate it. He’s an idiot and you can do way better.” So much for control . . .

  “Alex . . .” She pulls her legs out of mine and jumps to her feet. I hate the look on her face as she looks down at me. She’s questioning me with her eyes, pleading with me not to go there. It’s a look I don’t see often from her. “I really don’t want to talk about this again. You guys used to be really close. I don’t get what changed that.”

  “You,” I admit. “My protectiveness over you won over all the other bullshit of being his friend. You’ve been my top priority since day one, and your happiness is at the top of my every day fucking list, dammit.”

  I stand up and pull her in for a hug, showing her I’m fucking sorry and I’m an idiot, when her eyes begin to glisten. “The last thing I ever want to do is make you cry, babe.” I press my lips to the top of her head and rock her back and forth in my arms, comforting her. “I’m sorry. I’m here for you no matter what. Never forget that. That’s all I’m trying to say. I’m trying to look out for you. I need to look out for you. It’s how I survive.”

  “I know . . . I don’t . . .” She stops talking and squeezes me tighter as if she can’t get close enough. Her sweet smell overwhelms me, causing me to bury my face into her neck, wanting more. “I’m just having a hard time right now.”

  “Me too, baby. Me too.” Pulling away, I grab her chin and force a smile. “Take the day off. Let’s both call in. I want to spend the day with you and see you smile. You need to smile.”

  There’s no hesitation when she agrees to take the day off, and it makes my heart jump with joy. The old Tripp would never say no to an Alex and Tripp day. We need this more than we both know. “Where are we going?”

  I tangle both of my hands into the back of her hair and massage. “Will you go see my mother with me? I just want to sit there like old times, in silence, just remembering all the good times. You’re the only one that seems to soothe my pain when there and it’s been a while since I’ve gone.”

  Her voice is thick with emotion when she responds. “Of course, Alex. I miss her too.” She squeezes my hand and smiles. “I’m going to take a quick shower. Meet me by yo
ur truck in twenty?” She backs away with the cutest grin I’ve ever fucking seen. I love this girl.

  “My truck in twenty.” I flash my dimples and laugh as I watch her walk toward the door. “You know me well, Firecracker.”

  She stops and peers over her right shoulder. “I do. Never forget that.” She winks and my dick twitches.

  Seriously . . . just like that. Just like fucking that.

  Just like always, when I walk outside twenty minutes later, fresh out of the shower, she’s standing beside my truck looking painfully beautiful. She’s wearing one of my favorite dresses today. The material is red, thin, and skin tight. It takes everything in me not to run my hands all over her stunning body and tell her that I want her for myself . . . to myself.

  “You look hot.” I lift my brows, making her burst into laughter as I check her out. “What? You do. That’s my favorite dress on you. I’ve never denied it. You’re definitely my firecracker now.”

  “Alright, stud.” She tries to hide her face, but I still manage to see her face turn just about as red as that damn dress. I love that I can make her feel that good. She deserves to blush at least once every day, and I know for a fact that Lucas can’t do that for her. “Let’s go. Memphis and Lyric are meeting us there. They don’t have much time before work.”

  My heart squeezes at the mention of her inviting my brother and Lyric. The things this woman does are so damn incredible, and she doesn’t even have to try. It just comes naturally.

  I smile at her, silently showing my appreciation before helping her into my truck.

  When we arrive at the cemetery, Memphis and Lyric are already parked. Looking through the windshield for them, I spot them both sitting in the grass about fifteen feet away.

  “Oh good.” Tripp smiles and reaches over to squeeze my hand. “The whole family is here now. It’s been too long since we’ve done this.”

  Tripp lets go of my hand and hops out of the truck. She looks back at me, but I give her the okay to go. I just need a small moment to myself. Seeing my mother’s name etched across the tombstone never gets any easier. Not one fucking bit.

  Lizzy Carter

  Loving Mother and fighter till the end.

  You shall never be forgotten

  Those words have haunted me for six years now.

  Clenching my jaw to keep the tears at bay, I run my hands over my face and lean into the steering wheel. “Be strong for her. That’s all she’s ever wanted.”

  I wait a few minutes before finally getting out of the truck and joining the others.

  Memphis instantly walks over and pulls me in for a hug, wrapping his arms around my head. “She’s good, bro. She’s happy and healthy. Remember that.”

  I slap his shoulder and squeeze it before pulling away. “I know, man. I’m just picturing her smile.”

  Memphis smiles and grips both of my shoulders. “I love that woman’s smile. You were the lucky asshole that got her dimples. Lucky dick . . .”

  Lyric pulls Memphis away and forces her way in between us. “My turn. Come here, Alex.” She pulls me in for a tight hug and kisses my cheek. “It’s good to see you.” She leans in next to my ear and talks quietly. “I want to talk to you for a minute.”

  I look over Lyric’s shoulder and see Memphis standing next to Tripp with his arm around her shoulder. It makes me happy to see how close they’ve grown since he’s gotten out of prison. That’s another reason why I can’t fuck this all up. “What’s up?”

  Grabbing my hand, she pulls me away so that we can talk privately. “I’m going to give you some advice and I hope you take it. Listen to me, Alex. I love you like a brother. You know that, right?”

  I nod my head. “Yeah . . . of course. I love you too, girl.”

  My heart starts racing as she glances back over at Tripp. I know where this conversation is headed and I’m not sure that I can handle it right now. I’m already confused as shit.

  “You love her, Alex. I can see it in everything that you do.”

  I nod my head. “Of course I do. That girl is everything to me. I breathe for her, but that’s no secret.”

  She gives me a hard look and grabs my chin, forcing me to look her in the eyes. “Tell me what the hell you’re going to do about that.”

  “What the fuck am I supposed to do, Lyric? She’s my best fucking friend. There’s nothing I can do about it. I’m not ruining thirteen years of friendship if it doesn’t work out. I can’t do that shit.”

  “After thirteen years you still question if it could work out? Make her yours before someone else does. That’s what you do about it. Do you want to see her with someone else? Like really see her. . . . Do you want Lucas to keep her to himself?”

  “Fuck no.” I clench my jaw in anger just thinking about Lucas touching her. “That motherfucker doesn’t deserve her. Who enjoys sleeping with other women when they have a girl like Tripp? Don’t even get me started on him right now.”

  “I know that, Alex. You don’t have to tell me. I hear things. I know things. Every time that I talk to that woman she tells me how much she cares for you, how you made her smile that day, or that you made her breakfast . . . washed her apron, or whatever else you do for her. You’re a good man, Alex. That woman lives to fucking make you happy and you live to make her happy. That’s the only kind of true love there is. It wins out over everything. What you two have is the only relationship that will work.”

  She grabs the back of my head and places her forehead to mine. “It’s time to cross that line and show her how you truly feel. You’re important to me. I don’t want to see you miserable, and I know for a fact that if you two don’t speak up fast . . . that’s what you’ll be. Don’t make me watch that, Alex. I need you happy. Memphis needs you happy. He worries about you.”

  Her words shake me up and I find myself staring at Tripp as she leans into Memphis’ shoulder to cry. Fuck, it makes my heart ache. The only thing I can think about is getting to her as fast as I can and comforting her. I live to comfort her.

  “Shit . . . I gotta take care of her. We’ll talk later.”

  Walking up behind Tripp, I pull her away from Memphis and bury her against my chest. “It’s okay, baby. Let it out.”

  “I miss her. I miss seeing you two together.” She sniffles and wipes her face across my shirt. “You were always so happy when you were with her . . . and Memphis.” She starts crying harder. “He didn’t even get to be there for her last days. I don’t know . . . It’s just hitting me hard. I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t ever be sorry for crying for my family. Don’t ever be ashamed to cry in front of me. I want to see every side of you. I want it all,” I say, being completely honest, and hoping that she doesn’t figure out in which way I mean that.

  She looks up from my chest a few seconds later and reaches out to wipe away my single tear. She’s bawling her eyes out, yet she’s worried about my one tear over her face that is now pouring enough to create a puddle.

  Fuuuck . . . I love you. I’m in fucking love with you.

  I want to say it aloud so damn bad, but stop myself before I do. She’s already emotional enough, and I can’t bear the thought of adding to it.

  “Can we sit here for a while?”

  I lean in and kiss under both of her wet eyes. “Absolutely.”

  Sitting down, I pull her down with me, positioning her between my legs and wrapping my arms around her. She leans her head back on my shoulder and we sit like this for a while, not speaking. We don’t need to in this moment.

  Memphis and Lyric stand beside us, holding each other for as long as they can before they have to say goodbye. Lyric makes sure to give me that look, before jumping into Memphis’ car and driving off.

  Tripp and I stay for another hour, just holding each other and remembering the good times. In this moment I love this woman more than the world. Even if I don’t ever tell her I’m going to hold onto this feeling, in this exact moment, for the rest of my life.

  This woman has alwa
ys been my something for the pain, and losing her will feel like dying . . .

  AFTER LEAVING THE CEMETERY I called Dax to tell him that I wouldn’t be making it into work today. It’s the first time that I’ve called off, and I honestly don’t regret it. Dax has worked my ass off over the last week and I deserve a little time off, dammit. I want my time with Alex, especially since it could be ending soon. Alex will always come first to me and I don’t care what anyone says. Today was more than worth it.

  We spent a couple of hours this morning at Tara’s house, visiting my aunt before she had to run off to work. She made sure to put Alex to work before making us her special brownies and telling us about some guy named Lance she met last week at work. She tried to pretend he was nobody special, but she let it slip that she’s hoping he noticed her new and hip haircut.

  Alex made sure to compliment her about fifteen times on her new do before we left, sending her off to work in the best mood I’ve possibly ever seen her in over the course of my damn life.

  After leaving my aunt’s we spent the next few hours hanging out in Alex’s room while he sat back on his special chair and played the guitar, singing random songs that I would yell out at him. Watching him play brought a smile to my face, reminding me of a time before things got complicated. He looked so happy and at peace sitting there with that guitar in his arms that I never wanted to pull him out of the zone he was in; but of course, in typical Alex fashion, when he noticed me getting tired he pulled me onto his bed, buried me into his chest, and we both somehow fell asleep while talking about his mom and brother back when things were happy and good. It made me sad to never get to see them that way.

  It’s now well past six and I wake up to an empty bed, feeling somewhat lost that Alex somehow managed to slip away from me. Apparently . . . it’s that easy. That reminder is unsettling.

  I sit up and run my hands over my face, before groaning when a sick feeling hits me. I always feel like crap after waking from a nap. It’s like the little bit of sleep that I get is just a tease for my body and now my body is being a bitch about it. It’s such a shitty feeling.