Dare To Run (The Sons of Steel Row #1)

by Jen McLaughlin

  I lowered my arm, but I didn’t uncurl my fist. Breathing heavily, I ignored all the angry words trying to escape. Now was not the time, or place, to unleash them. I glanced around the room. Way too much attention.

  I was doing it again. Showing weakness.

  And there was nothing I could do to stop it. It was like an unstoppable tornado inside me, wrecking years and years of self-control.

  Chris gently moved Heidi out of the way, and she let him. “I’m not the enemy here, and you know it. Neither is she.”

  I slowly uncurled my fist, my blood pumping through my veins at breakneck speed. My knuckles practically ached with the need to crush bone, but I ignored the primal urge. “Get. Your. Coat.”

  “Okay.” Heidi lifted her chin high. She looked infinitely calm, when I was anything but. “Okay. Come on.”

  I’d told her not to come. She shouldn’t have come. She shouldn’t have—

  She held her hand out, those soft blue eyes of hers calling to me in ways that no one else ever had. “Come on. Let’s go home.”

  Home. Such a simple word.

  Without speaking, I reached for her hand and led her toward the coat area. Several people watched us go, their intent gazes making me itchy, but I didn’t look back. No more looking back. It was too late for that. It was too late to keep her hidden and safe from the life I led. And it was definitely too late to make sure she ran for it and stayed alive. Too late to keep her safe from me. It was time to look forward now.

  Time to plan.

  After I’d helped her into her coat, we walked out into the dark night, and she kept shooting me glances out of the corner of her eye. I ignored them. I wasn’t ready to talk about it yet, so I wouldn’t. “How did you get here? Is your car here?”

  “No. I took a cab.” She tugged her jacket closed. “I don’t have a car.”

  I ground my teeth together as I gave the valet my ticket. “You came here alone?”

  “Yes.”

  Yeah. I wasn’t gonna touch that one. Not yet, anyway. The fact that she’d ventured out alone, when she knew Bitter Hill was looking for any chance to get to her, was enough to make me want to go all Hulk Smash in my rage. Scanning the shadows for any threat as the valet pulled up, I opened the passenger door and stared her down. Clearly a smart kid, the valet didn’t wait for a tip and made himself invisible.

  She didn’t shy away or avoid my stare. Just slid into the car, her body stiff. After I seated myself behind the wheel and put the car into gear, she buckled her seat belt. We pulled out onto the road in silence, and I’d never been more grateful for the lack of conversation. Checking the rearview for a tail, I stole a quick glance at her. She gripped her purse tightly and stared straight ahead. She looked upset.

  Good. She should be upset.

  As if she sensed my eyes on her, she broke the silence. “I’m sorry you’re angry, but I heard that Tate wanted me to come, to prove that what we had was real, or you’d be held accountable.” She gripped her purse tight. “And I didn’t want you to be in even more trouble over me. God knows I’ve made enough problems for you.”

  My lip curled up, and I gripped the wheel so hard my hand hurt. “So you just had to play the part of a hero, huh? You just couldn’t resist trying to save me.”

  She gasped. “I wasn’t—”

  “Enough.” Rage pumped through my veins—hot and fast. I was seconds from exploding, and I didn’t want to. Not all over her, damn it. “Just . . . enough.”

  Luckily, she took the hint and got quiet.

  I tried to ease my grip on the wheel and failed. How could I relax when I knew that Scotty was going to go after her now with a vengeance? All because she’d had to be a hero and show up at the party. That’s what being a hero got you. A target on your back.

  Well, screw that.

  I wasn’t a hero, and I never would be.

  “Why are you so angry with me?” she asked. She’d finally stopped staring out the windshield, and focused on me instead. “Is it because I came to the party even though you didn’t want me there, or is it because I didn’t blindly listen to your orders?”

  Gripping the wheel tightly, I silently counted my breaths. In, one. Out, two. In, three. Out, four. I would not snap, and I would not lose control. Not with her.

  “You can’t keep trying to protect me, no matter the cost to yourself, like this,” she said. “I refuse to let you do it anymore.”

  I counted to ten this time, breathing heavily. It didn’t help.

  “Now you’re going to ignore me? Really?” She tossed her purse aside. “How old are we, five?”

  When I still didn’t answer, she gave up and stared out the window.

  By the time we pulled up to my shop, the tension in the air was thicker than oil. I shut the engine off and checked the parking lot for any signs of movement. There was nothing. “We are going directly inside. No talking, just walking.”

  She glanced over at me, her eyes wide as if she was shocked I’d actually spoken. “Oh, so we’re speaking to each other again?”

  “This isn’t a fucking game,” I snapped. “Shut. Up. Get. Inside.”

  She rolled her eyes and threw her door open, hopping out in one smooth motion. Gun in hand, I followed her, watching for any threats. We made it inside without attack, but I didn’t let my guard down. After locking the door, I went to the window and glanced out. I’d keep watch all night long. It wasn’t as if I had any other options now. The bedroom door closed behind me, and I rested my forehead on the cold glass. Thank God she’d decided silence was the better option.

  It really fucking was.

  What the hell was I supposed to do with her now? How was I supposed to keep her safe, when Scotty knew for a fact now that she was my weakness? Straight ahead, I could see the top of St. Stephen’s. It was partially ensconced in fog. Where was “God” now? Where was he when my brother decided he’d be better off without me in his life? And where was he when Heidi had been attacked and I’d had no choice but to save her—and in doing so, gotten her wrapped up in this life?

  I looked away from the tower, which would give me no answers and no absolution. The clouds obscured any signs of stars I’d have seen, and I had a feeling we were in for a storm. I hadn’t had time to watch the weather in between dodging bullets and keeping Heidi alive, but I could read the skies well enough.

  As if on cue, flakes of snow fell from the clouds above.

  The bedroom door opened behind me, and I tensed. “Go back to bed.”

  “I’m not going to bed.” She headed across the living room, but I didn’t turn around and look. I didn’t trust myself to look at her right now. “I’m going to work.”

  It took me a minute to process the fact that, once again, she was trying to kill me. Technically, she was trying to kill herself, but if she died, I’d . . .

  It was one and the same.

  “You’re not going anywhere.”

  She threw her hands up. “Why not?”

  I set my gun down on the table by the door and leaned against it, blocking her only exit. “You just had to go and show your pretty little face at that damn party.”

  “I told you. They needed to see me.” She lifted her chin defiantly, looking as foolishly brave as ever. “Tate needed to see me.”

  Everything I’d been holding back, everything I’d been trying to keep at bay, came slamming out of the dam. There was no stopping it. I slammed my palm against the door. “I don’t give a flying fuck what he needed. I wanted to keep you safe, and out of this life. And you ruined it.”

  “By going to one single party,” she drawled. “Yeah. Sure. I totally won’t be able to resist the lifestyle now. I’ll be at every party you ever go to, being a regular social butterfly. Ruining everything with my presence.”

  I walked into the kitchen and grabbed the whiskey with a shaking hand. Rage filled me more with every single word she said. She was now the prime target for Scotty. It was only a matter of time till he struck.

&nb
sp; And he’d strike hard.

  “You won’t be alive to do that.” I flipped the cap off and brought the bottle straight to my lips. After I finished, I slammed the bottle on the counter with so much force that it was a miracle it didn’t shatter into a million pieces. “You don’t get it. You really don’t get it, and that pisses me off more than you could ever know.”

  She came up behind me and snatched up the bottle. She did the same as me, raising it to her lips and setting it down on the counter. “Dammit, Lucas. I was already in the cross-hairs, thanks to Bitter Hill. How could me going to some stupid party make it any worse?”

  “You went to a party where my brother, who is dead set on killing me, was scheduled to attend.” I leaned on the counter, scowling at the wall. “You walked up to him, introduced yourself, and let him see who you were.”

  “Yeah . . .” She blinked. “And?”

  “This all started because I wanted to keep you safe,” I muttered, shaking my head and laughing. It sounded slightly maniacal. “And you are constantly ruining it. You’re trying to get yourself killed, I swear. That’s the only possible explanation.”

  She made a frustrated sound. “You’re not making any sense. What does the party have to do with any of—?”

  “When I rescued you, I had nothing to gain from it. All my life, I’ve existed by only doing things that helped me get what I wanted. I was tired of being poor, so I joined up with the Sons of Steel Row. I let Scotty join because it was the easiest way to keep an eye on him. Hell, I went to jail rather than work with the cops because I wanted to stay alive. Everything I’ve done, I’ve made the smart decision, the safest decision.” I dragged my hands down my face. “And then for the first time, I did something where the cons greatly outweighed the benefits.”

  She bit down on her tongue or cheek. I couldn’t tell which, but I knew she had a habit of doing it when she was thinking really hard about something. “Me.”

  “Yeah. You.” Holding my hands out to my sides, I laughed again. “And if you’d been just a casual fuck, no way I’d let you meet Tate. Scotty knows that. But you didn’t. So, darlin’, what better way to get me to show up like a lamb to a slaughter than to have you show up to that party? Scotty’s gonna know that you’re the best way to get to me, since now he thinks you’re the most important person to me on this planet.”

  And he might be right, but I still refused to admit it. Out loud, at least.

  It wouldn’t do us any good.

  “But that’s . . . I’m not . . . I’m not your weakness. You’ve been trying to get me gone since day one.” She licked her lips and shook her head. “What you did in that alley, it was just temporary insanity on your part.”

  I opened my mouth to tell her how wrong she was. To tell her I’d been drawn to her from the first moment I’d seen her. Why else had I gone back to her bar, time and time again? I could drink at home easily enough. I’d gone to see her. To be near her. It was on the tip of my tongue, all the words I’d been keeping locked inside.

  But what good would it do for me to say them?

  I shook my head. “It doesn’t matter what I really did, or why. It matters how it looks to him. What he believes.”

  She turned away and took a deep breath. Right before she twisted away, I saw a glimpse of something shadowing her stare, but I couldn’t get a close enough look to know what. “That’s why you didn’t want me to go to the party. Because you knew what Scotty would think.”

  “Yes,” I managed to say.

  “Why didn’t you tell me that?” She faced me again, her cheeks flushed and her whole body held taut. “Why didn’t you just open up and treat me like a partner instead of forbidding me to go like I was a child?”

  “Because I didn’t want you getting hurt, damn it. I didn’t want you showing up and drawing attention to yourself.” I looked her up and down, curling my upper lip. “But you did it anyway. You interfered and killed us both.”

  “You’re forgetting one small detail,” she snapped.

  I raised a brow. I knew she hated it when I did that. “Oh? And what would that be, darlin’?”

  “You didn’t save me because you cared about me, or because you loved me.”

  I crossed my arms and leaned against the wall, doing my best to act as if I wasn’t seething inside. “And?”

  “And . . .” She walked right up to me and tipped her head back, staring up at me without a sign of any emotion whatsoever. “Since there’s no love lost between us, if they take me . . . who cares? I can’t be used against you if you don’t come after me.”

  “So, after already going to the trouble of rescuing your ass, I’m just supposed to . . . what?” I smirked. “Write you off as a loss? Not give a shit if you’re gone and he has you? Pretend I don’t know how Bitter Hill treats women, what they could be doing to you? I should just not give a damn? Is that what you’re saying?”

  She pressed her lips together, not backing down. Usually her tenaciousness made me want her even more, but not this time. This time was different. “I think it’s up to you how you feel. Not him. And not me. If you don’t care, you don’t care.”

  “Is that what you think of me?” I asked quietly, my chest tightening with each word. This was the closest I’d ever come to admitting I had feelings for her, and it scared the shit out of me. “Do you honestly think I would—could—abandon you if you were in trouble?”

  She stared at me, not speaking. I stared right the fuck back at her, letting her see me. Really see me. It was about damn time, too. Slowly, she shook her head. “No.”

  “You’re my weakness,” I said, dragging my hands down my face. “And now he knows it. He fucking knows it, Heidi. You handed yourself over to him on a silver platter. And me, too.”

  She backed up, shaking her head. “No. I’m not . . . you don’t . . .”

  “Yes.” I locked eyes with her, my chest rising and falling faster than it did after I ran five miles. My heart beat a rapid staccato in my head, drowning out the voices telling me to shut the hell up before I said something I’d regret. “I do.”

  She covered her mouth. “Lucas . . .”

  I stepped closer to her. “Run.”

  “Run with me.” She took a shaky breath. “If you run with me . . . I’ll go.”

  Another step. “No.”

  “Then no.”

  I grabbed her by the waist and hauled her against me. “Damn you, Heidi. Damn you.”

  And then I kissed her.

  CHAPTER 26

  HEIDI

  Lucas spent all this time warning me off, like I couldn’t see what kind of man he was. All the examples of his “selfishness” were bullshit. He joined the gang to provide a better life for his family. He let Scotty jump in because he thought it would keep his little brother safe. He didn’t cut a deal and took the jail time because his loyalty was bone-deep. And now he was hinting that he felt something for me . . . something real . . .

  But I didn’t believe him.

  He was only saying these things—feeling these things—because he’d saved me. And now, as a result, he wanted to keep me alive. He was invested in my survival. That was all. My foolish heart might have wanted to attach a deeper meaning to his actions, to believe him when he looked at me as if I mattered, but I knew better. He didn’t love me. Or want to spend the rest of his life with me.

  He’d just done the right thing because despite everything, he was a good man.

  Just because he kissed me like he couldn’t live without me didn’t mean he actually couldn’t. Just because I wanted more, against all reason and logic, didn’t mean he did. He spun me so my back pressed against the wall, and growled deep in his throat. His hands roamed all over my body, touching everywhere. Leaving trails of fire in their wake. His tongue danced with mine, and I lost myself in him. As usual.

  But in the back of my mind, even as he made me cry out in pleasure, was the pain that, this thing we had going between us? Yeah, it was dead.

  It had been s
ince the moment I’d called him Lucky in my bar.

  Tears stung the backs of my lids. After what I’d seen at that party, there was no doubt in my mind that this whole Mexican standoff he and his brother had been stuck in was about to end. And it would end in a haze of bullets and blood. Maybe our blood. I could only hope it ended with Lucas still standing, because if it didn’t . . .

  I didn’t know how I’d go on.

  In the short time we’d been together, he’d woven himself into my life, into my heart. He’d made me realize that when it came to certain aspects of my life, I was still a dreamer. Last night, I’d dreamt about him and me. And we’d been happy. So happy. I’d dreamt about us making dinner in a normal kitchen, in a normal house, and we’d been leading a normal life. He’d come up behind me and kissed my neck, wrapping his arms around me and hugging me close, as if he never wanted to let me go. Despite the fact that I knew it was a dream and it would never be anything more, I couldn’t shake the feeling that . . .

  We could have been happy. In a different life, we really could have been.

  He gripped my pants and yanked them down to my ankles, his hand immediately dipping between my legs to cup me. The second he closed his fingers over me, I moaned. The things he did to me . . . they were crazy. And addicting. And oh so dangerous.

  Just like him.

  He let go of me and undid his trousers, letting his pants hit the floor, too. Breaking the kiss off, he dropped to his knees in front of me. Gripping my hips, he stared at me. He’d never looked more vulnerable than he did now, kneeling at my feet. “I’m sorry I yelled, sweetheart. I’m sorry I got you in this mess, too.”

  I’d never get sick of the way he said sweetheart. He could tell me the world was ending, but as long as he added on that sweetheart, his voice jagged on that second syllable, I wouldn’t even care. And that was the God’s honest truth, right there. “I know. It’s okay.”

  “No, it’s not.” He pulled my panties down. “But I know how to make it better.”

  He closed his mouth on me, not wasting a second before blowing my mind. He cupped my butt from behind with his big hands, holding me where he wanted me. I collapsed against the wall and let out a long, strangled moan, burying my hands in his thick hair. Lifting my leg, I rested it over his shoulder and rolled my hips in a figure-eight pattern, needing him to send me to heaven for a few minutes. Needing him to make me forget everything that had happened, and everything that would still happen.