by Nikki Moore
‘You got all that from the last half an hour?’
‘Don’t look so surprised. I can see that caring for other people is an instinct in you. It comes naturally. I wouldn’t be surprised if you had a younger brother or sister. Am I right?’
‘Yeah.’ Shifting with discomfort at his probing, she toed her sandals off and curled her feet into the grass, the soft blades tickling her soles. ‘You’re very perceptive. Are you sure you’re not a woman?’ she said, trying to distract him from further questions, before colouring and wondering if he might be offended. ‘Sorry.’
‘It’s cool. No, I’m definitely a man,’ Leo grinned, ‘and thank god. Because I’ve met her,’ he pointed at Georgiana, ‘and she’s the love of my life. Last Valentine’s Day on Primrose Hill was the best day ever. I’d given her a reason not to trust me, although it was a misunderstanding really, but she came and found me anyway. We sat drinking champagne and eating a picnic overlooking the London skyline.’
‘In February?’ she gave a mock shiver.
‘I brought blankets, hats and hand warmers too.’
‘Oh, that’s lovely,’ Zoe blinked, ‘so romantic and thoughtful. She’s lucky to have you. Not a lot of guys these days know how to do old-fashioned romance.’
‘No. I’m lucky to have her, and she makes me want to do those things for her, just to see the expression on her face. Plus, everyone’s idea of romance is different, isn’t it?’ Pausing, he stared off into the distance as if recalling another memory, before shaking his hair out of his eyes. ‘Anyway.’
‘Anyway?’
‘Matt’s a good guy you know. Despite his issues.’
‘Why are you telling me this? And what issues?’ No way was she going to be the one to reveal anything first.
‘I’m telling you because I think you should know, and as for issues, it’s obvious he’s still grieving.’
‘Hmmm,’ she made a non-committal sound as Matt flipped a sizzling burger and let out a shouting laugh when it landed on the grill and the BBQ smoke turned grey, wafting up into his face. He waved his hand over it, dispersing it jokingly towards Noel. ‘Why do you think he’s such a good guy?’ she asked curiously. There was something about Leo that made her feel comfortable, even if some of the conversation was challenging. She got the sense he cared deeply about people. He also didn’t seem to have any hidden agendas.
‘He’s the reason Georgiana and her parents could move to London for a fresh start after her accident. He owns a few properties and lets them stay in one rent-free. They insist on paying the bills of course, but he could still make a killing if he rented it out to someone else because of its location near Primrose Hill.’
‘He’s doing it because they’re family,’ she reflected. ‘I guess it must be the house he bought when he and Helen got married.’
Leo jerked his head back, surprised. ‘He’s talked to you about her?’
‘A bit. Sometimes. Her mum’s here today. I thought it might be nice for all of them.’
‘Wow, you’re either a hypnotist or a miracle worker. As far as George is concerned, he doesn’t talk to anyone about Helen and as far as I know he’s never invited Cynthia into this house. The poor woman’s not made it across the threshold in the last three years. Maybe he wants to keep it all separate in his head. You know he never lived here with Helen, don’t you? He and the kids moved in a couple of months after she died.’
‘Really? I hadn’t realised. He never said.’ She didn’t suppose it had been relevant for Melody to mention either. She was oddly relieved. Helen had never been a presence here in this house because of the lack of photos and mementoes, but she’d still wondered a couple of times how Matt felt about going to bed in the room they’d shared. It had made her feel both sad for him but uncomfortable too, because of the tiny sting of jealousy.
‘Well, he doesn’t open up very often, does he? Most of the stuff I know is either from George or my own observations. What I want to know is how you managed to convince him to invite Cynthia?’
‘I have no idea. Maybe he’s just turning into a softie,’ she murmured.
‘Or maybe it’s something else,’ his gaze drifted over to Matt. ‘I saw the newspaper article with the photos of you together.’
She groaned, thinking of Matt’s reaction and the concerned, questioning phone calls she’d had to deal with from Ruth and Melody, her sister telling her in no uncertain terms to drop it and get out from under Matt’s roof ASAP. It had taken more than twenty minutes to convince Mel that she could handle herself. ‘It was awful,’ Zoe answered Leo. ‘He was so furious. I hate that they printed the photo of the kids and I also feel totally violated. The thought off all those people speculating that we’re in a relationship, with me being his nanny,’ shaking her head, ‘gossiping and assuming that we’re…’
‘Assuming that you’re in love,’ he filled in dryly. ‘Yeah, what a shocking idea.’
‘What do you mean?’ she asked in a high-pitched voice. She fanned her face, the sun’s rays pounding down on their heads.
He dropped his voice. ‘Well, it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world, Matt being loved up after so many years alone. You seem like a good person and you’re great with the kids. I get that it’s complicated with you working for him, but that shouldn’t be a barrier if you really like each other. But please be careful with Aimee and Jasper; they’ve already lost too many people.’ He unfolded himself from the deckchair, standing up and looking down at where she sat with her mouth agape. ‘I’m sorry if I’ve been a bit blunt, Zoe. I hope I haven’t upset you, especially when we don’t know each other. I’m just looking out for Matt and the children. There are other reasons I’m grateful to him on George’s behalf, so anything I can do to return the favour…’ His mouth curved into a smile that could probably get anyone to forgive him anything. ‘George often tells me I have a habit of saying exactly what I think, even when I shouldn’t. It was nice to meet you. Hopefully we’ll catch up again later.’ He loped off before she had time to recover or reply, crossing the grass and sliding an arm around Georgiana’s waist, dropping a kiss on her forehead when she turned to him.
Zoe clicked her mouth shut. Where had all that come from? Who had told him that she and Matt liked each other? She should probably be pissed off with him for being so outspoken when they were strangers, but there had been a complete lack of guile in his eyes that said he was only saying those things because he cared and thought it was the right thing to do. He seemed like a nice guy and there had been no trace of cockiness in his voice.
She sighed, thinking of his words. Shame and regret twisted together in her chest. Leo thought she was a good person, that she was great for Matt and the kids. On one level he might be right, somehow how they were making it work, the four of them. But on another level he was absolutely wrong. How was someone who had arrived in their lives with the sole intention of hurting Matt and then leaving, a good person?
It wasn’t something she had time to fret over because as she started pushing herself from her seat, Cynthia sank down gracefully in the chair Leo had just vacated, a silk lilac high-collared dress making her look very Lady of the Manor.
‘Good afternoon, Zoe. How are you?’ She kept her eyes on her grandson, who was currently bouncing on a yellow space hopper, burbling in glee as he and his friends bumped each other playfully.
‘Fine, thanks.’ They’d met in passing a few times when the woman had come to drop the kids off and Zoe had thought her very polite, though a little reserved. ‘And you?’
‘I’m exceptionally well today. Thanks to you. It’s so lovely to see Jasper enjoying himself, and Aimee too.’ She pointed an elegant finger at the girl, who was launching herself into the bouncy castle under Rayne’s watchful eye.
Zoe smiled. ‘Matt and I organised the party together, I can’t take all the credit.’
‘The party is delightful, but I was talking about the fact that I’m here to see it in the first place. I suspect I owe that to
you, and I’m very grateful.’
Zoe scrunched her fingers into the skirt of her green dress. Cynthia’s comment was an echo of the last bit of her conversation with Leo, and it made her feel like a fraud. ‘It’s nothing. He was happy for you to be here,’ she answered diplomatically, ‘and it’s nice for the kids.’
‘Nonetheless,’ Cynthia studied Zoe’s averted face, ‘in three years I have never been invited to any of the children’s parties and neither have I been asked to come into the house. The only factor that is different about the equation is you. I’m not criticising Matthew, you understand. He’s been wonderful in letting me maintain my relationship with Jasper and Aimee and he’s happy for them to come and visit me, even if they find it a little raw.’
‘Because you remind them of their mum?’ Zoe guessed.
Cynthia dipped her head, ‘I wasn’t sure at first why they always seemed so unsettled with me. I thought I was too strict for them, or they didn’t know me well enough. However, over time it’s become apparent that the photographs of Helen in my home are the only ones they have access to, and that I’m the only one who talks to them about her.’
‘I don’t think it’s deliberate on his behalf,’ Zoe defended, relaxing her hands and looking at Cynthia, ‘but I understand it’s important for them and you to keep her memory alive. It’s just very painful for him, I think.’
‘There is no doubt he finds it hard, however—’
‘Do you know that they’ve started visiting the memorial plaque in Hyde Park for her again?’ She held a hand up, ‘I’m sorry to interrupt, but I really think he’s trying and you need to know that. The children talk to me about your daughter too sometimes, and when they do I encourage them to remember the happy times.’
‘Yes, I was aware of the picnics in Hyde Park, I’ve seen the paper, the pictures of you all.’ Her lips tightened.
‘It’s not his fault. We didn’t know the press were there, and he definitely didn’t want the kids splashed across the tabloids.’ She paused, wondering whether to say the next bit or not, but feeling like Cynthia might need the reassurance. ‘I’m not trying to replace Helen. I wanted him to start going to Hyde Park again because I feel the three of them need it. I’m just the nanny.’ Even as the words poured from her lips, her face was tingling with a blush. Technically she was the nanny, but she’d never had a post that felt less like a job. She’d never had a post where she’d kissed her boss, or had come to care so much for her charges.
‘I’m annoyed that the press are interfering,’ Cynthia said crisply, ‘but I don’t blame him for the newspaper article. I suppose I could because by being his children they’re automatically subject to that kind of interest, but I’ve seen how much he loves music, and how he’s always tried to protect them from public scrutiny. At heart he is a good father.’
‘He is.’ Zoe watched as Matt starting serving burgers onto a large ceramic plate, movements fluid and face cheerful. When first arriving she’d been horrified at the disconnect between him and the kids, how much he distanced himself from them, but he had taken on board all the things she’d said, and what she’d seen recently was someone doing his best for his children, no matter what the personal cost to him. He genuinely loved them, she had no doubt about that, and Leo was right, they would get there. To a place they should be, where they were secure and comfortable in each other’s company. The question was, would she be around when it happened?
‘As for the other, no-one could ever replace my daughter, however Matthew does need to move on. Everybody does.’ She paused. ‘He blames himself, you know.’
‘Sorry?’ Zoe frowned.
‘For Helen’s death.’ The pale blue eyes that lifted to Zoe’s were haunted, grief etching lines into her face. ‘It wasn’t his fault though. My daughter was headstrong and made the decision to get into that car all by herself.’ She put a hand to her chest, rubbing the spot over her heart. ‘I’ve tried to talk to him about it, but he doesn’t want to. He simply shuts me out.’ She paused again, nodding to herself. ‘I can’t bring my daughter back, but I can make sure her children are happy, and they won’t be unless he is. He deserves to be happy in his own right.’
‘Of course,’ Zoe agreed automatically. Why did people keep telling her these things today? It was like they were trying to give her their approval, or sell Matt to her as a catch. But he didn’t want to be caught. He’d been very clear he wasn’t looking for a relationship with anyone—let alone his kid’s nanny. Her right hand rose to her chest, unconsciously mirroring Cynthia’s pose, covering the same spot over her heart, trying to rub away the ache.
14
Lying back on the sun lounger with her legs curled under her, Zoe let out an exhausted but happy sigh. The food had been devoured under the baking sun, the children had played riotously for hours, the birthday cake’s candles had been blown out by a puff-cheeked Jasper and most people had gone home around seven o’clock contentedly clutching party bags and extra chicken. Cynthia had offered at the last minute to have the children overnight and as it was Jasper’s actual birthday a few days later rather than today, after a moment’s hesitation Matt had agreed. Jasper and Aimee had seemed happy to go, the little boy’s eyes starting to go heavy-lidded from the afternoon’s excitement. He’d still been insistent on taking all his presents with him to unwrap however, so after some wrangling and Cynthia promising to make a list of the gifts and who had given them for Jasper to write thank you notes that had been agreed too. Zoe had chucked their things into bags while Matt had said goodbye to the last of the parents and nannies, and then they’d loaded Cynthia’s car up together with the kids and their belongings, waving them off with matching expressions of relief. It had been a long day.
A few select friends and family members had stayed for some adult chill out time, and after picking at the buffet again and having more than a few alcoholic drinks, it had seemed like an exceptionally good idea to take turns on the bouncy castle, space hoppers and even the micro-scooters. Several people had fallen off various pieces of equipment, and general hilarity had ensued. It was hard to imagine they were all tax-paying adults, Matt had remarked, just before he’d slid sideways off the space hopper and onto the grass, causing hysterics. Now they were all sitting on the decking, the light fading as it ticked towards midnight, the evening winding down. Zoe had turned the fairy lights on and lit some citronella candles to keep the mosquitoes away. It was pretty and relaxing, and she stifled a yawn behind one hand, feeling mellow and trying not to think about how great it’d been to see Matt shrug off his responsibilities and take joy in some innocent though drunken fun.
‘Here you go,’ he handed her a glass of sparkling water and sat on the other lounger clutching a bottle of Mexican beer.
‘Thanks.’ She’d had more than enough alcohol, and had a sinking feeling a hangover was in her near future.
Across from Matt, Leo lounged in a deckchair, Georgiana sitting on a cushion at his feet so he could idly stroke her dark hair, which he’d unwound from its knot. Next to them, Nathan and Sofia were cosying up on the wooden bench they’d carried from the bottom of the garden, Nathan’s arm resting around Sofia’s shoulders and idly stroking her slim forearm. Holly and Noel had said they were leaving an hour before but were still reclining in deckchairs a few inches apart, their joined hands dangling in the space between them. Frankie and Zack were cuddling in a cushioned wicker two-person love seat that had been delivered that morning at Matt’s request, and Rayne was sitting on Adam’s lap on a wooden lawn chair, her arm curled around his neck, resting up against him as she sipped a tall glass of Pimms.
The couples all looked happy and in love and Zoe was pleased for them, but creeping jealousy coiled in her stomach anyway. She stole a look at Matt, wishing she had the right to sit on his lap like that, knowing at the same time that the thought was utterly crazy. Eyes stinging, she gazed at the fairy lights twisted around the decking rail until their bulbs had burnt dancing dots into her retinas.
> ‘I swear to god I’m going to bruise,’ Sofia muttered, rubbing her hip. ‘We are such children.’
‘Stop moaning woman,’ Nathan said good-naturedly, ‘a tumble off a micro-scooter is nothing. You do far worse to yourself when you come off your skateboard.’
‘Or when you miscalculate with one of your cocktail shakers and it flies across the room at me,’ she quipped back immediately, causing howls of laughter among the group.
‘I’m surprised at you, Matt,’ Georgiana tilted her head to look at her cousin when everyone had calmed down, uncovered blue eye twinkling, ‘given you’re the oldest by far and one of the hosts of this party, I thought you’d have been ordering us off the stuff, not taking the lead.’
‘Hey, less of the old,’ he exclaimed, ‘I’m only thirty. And I know how to have fun, just like anyone else. Besides, my kids weren’t around to see it, so I wasn’t setting a bad example for them, was I?’
Zoe lifted her head, ‘I think they’d have enjoyed seeing you like that actually. Although, probably not drunk.’
‘You can be quiet,’ Matt teased, ‘you should have been keeping me on the straight and narrow as the other responsible adult in the house. But no,’ he said mournfully, ‘a few glasses of wine and the strict nanny persona goes completely out the window.’
‘It probably went to the same place as your grumpy, serious I’m a very important and dedicated music producer guise,’ she answered, raising one eyebrow.
‘God, you are so cheeky sometimes,’ he shot back, grinning and raising his glass, ‘cheers to that.’
Rayne mumbled something into Adam’s ear and then stumbled off his lap. ‘Right, we’re off, guys,’ she said, ‘it’s been fab, but I’m whacked. It was lovely to meet you, Matt,’ she gave him a brief hug and turned to Zoe, holding her arms out.
Zoe jumped off the lounger and swayed. ‘Oops,’ she giggled. ‘Great to see you, speak soon.’