Making Money d-36

by Terry Pratchett

  … and out of the ground and up the legs of a golem from the Golem Trust, who was pulling a waggon loaded with coal along the region's one road. When he arrived in Ankh-Morpork he told the Trust. That was what the Trust did: it found golems.

  Cities, kingdoms, countries came and went, but the golems that their priests had baked from clay and filled with holy fire tended to go on for ever. When they had no more orders, no more water to fetch or wood to hew, perhaps because the land was now on the sea bed or the city was inconveniently under fifty feet of volcanic ash, they did nothing but wait for the next order. They were, after all, property. Each obeyed whatever instructions were written on the little scroll in his head. Sooner or later, rock erodes. Sooner or later a new city would arise. One day there would be orders.

  Golems had no concept of freedom. They knew they were artefacts; some even still bore, on their clay, the finger marks of the long-dead priest. They were made to be owned.

  There had always been a few in Ankh-Morpork, running errands, doing chores, pumping water deep underground, unseen and silent and not getting in anyone's way. Then one day, someone freed a golem by inserting in its head the receipt for the money he'd paid for it. And then he told it that it owned itself.

  A golem could not be freed by orders, or a war, or a whim. But it could be freed by freehold. When you have been a possession, then you really understand what freedom means, in all its magnificent terror.

  Dorfl, the first freed golem, had a plan. He worked hard, around the clock he had no time for, and bought another golem. The two golems worked hard and bought a third golem… and now there was the Golem Trust, which bought golems, found golems entombed underground of in the depths of the sea, and helped golems buy themselves.

  In the booming city golems were worth their weight in gold. They would accept small wages but they earned them for twenty-four hours a day. It was still a bargain — stronger than trolls, more reliable than oxen, and more indefatigable and intelligent than a dozen of each, a golem could power every machine in a workshop.

  This didn't make them popular. There was always a reason to dislike a golem. They didn't drink, eat, gamble, swear or smile. They worked. If a fire broke out, they hurried en masse to put it out and then walked back to what they had been doing. No one knew why a creature that had been baked into life had the urge to do this, but all it won them was a kind of awkward resentment. You couldn't be grateful to an unmoving face with glowing eyes.

  'How many are down there?' said Moist.

  'I told you. Four.'

  Moist felt relieved. 'Well, that's good. Well done. Can we have a proper celebratory meal tonight? Of something the animal wasn't so attached to? And then, who knows—'

  'There may be a snag,' said Adora Belle slowly.

  'No, really?'

  'Oh, please.' Adora Belle sighed. 'Look, the Umnians were the first golem-builders, do you understand? Golem legend says that the Umnians invented golems. It's easy to believe, too. Some priest baking a votive offering says the right words, and the clay sits up. It was their only invention. They didn't need any more. Golems built their city, golems tilled their fields. They invented the wheel, but as a children's toy. They didn't need wheels, you see. You don't need weapons, either, when you've got golems instead of city walls. You don't even need shovels—'

  'You're not going to tell me they built fifty-foot-high killer golems, are you?'

  'Only a man would think of that.'

  'It's our job,' said Moist. 'If you don't think of fifty-foot-high killer golems first, someone else will.'

  'Well, there's no evidence of them,' said Adora Belle briskly. 'The Umnians never even worked iron. They did work bronze, though… and gold.'

  There was something about the way 'gold' was left hanging there that Moist didn't like.

  'Gold,' he said.

  'Umnian is the most complex language ever,' said Adora Belle quickly. 'None of the Trust golems know much about it, so we can't be certain—'

  'Gold,' said Moist, but his voice was leaden.

  'So when the digging team found caves down there we came up with a plan. The tunnel was getting unstable anyway so they closed it off, we said it had collapsed, and by now some of the team will have brought the golems out under the sea and are bringing them underwater all the way into the city,' said Adora Belle.

  Moist pointed at the golem's arm in its bag, 'That one isn't gold,' he said hopefully.

  'We found a lot of golem remains about halfway down,' said Adora Belle with a sigh. 'The others are deeper… er, perhaps because they're heavier.'

  'Gold's twice the weight of lead,' said Moist gloomily.

  'The buried golem is singing in Umnian,' said Adora Belle. 'I can't be certain of our translation, so I thought, let's start by getting them into Ankh-Morpork, where they'll be safe.'

  Moist took a deep breath. 'Do you know how much trouble you can get into by breaking a contract with a dwarf?'

  'Oh, come on! I'm not starting a war!'

  'No, you're starting a legal action! And with the dwarfs that's even worse! You told me the contract said you couldn't take precious metals off the land!'

  'Yes, but these are golems. They're alive.'

  'Look, you've taken—'

  '—may have taken—'

  '—all right, may have taken, good grief, tons of gold out of dwarf land—'

  'Golem Trust land—'

  'All right, but there was a covenant! Which you broke when you took—'

  '—didn't take. It walked off by itself,' said Adora Belle calmly.

  'For heavens' sake, only a woman could think like this! You think because you believe there's a perfectly good justification for your actions the legal issues don't matter! And here am I, this close to persuading people here that a dollar doesn't have to be round and shiny and I'm finding that at any minute four big shiny beaming golems are going to stroll into town, waving and glittering at everybody!'

  'There's no need to get hysterical,' said Adora Belle.

  'Yes, there is! What there isn't a need for is staying calm!'

  'Yes, but that's when you come alive, right? That's when your brain works best. You always find a way, right?'

  And there was nothing you could do about a woman like that. She just turned herself into a hammer and you ran right into her.

  Fortunately.

  They'd reached the entrance to the university. Above them loomed the forbidding statue of Alberto Malich, the founder. It had a chamber pot on its head. This had inconvenienced the pigeon which, by family tradition, spent most of its time perched on Alberto's head and now wore on its own head a miniature version of the same pottery receptacle.

  Must be Rag Week again, thought Moist. Students, eh? Love 'em or hate 'em, you're not allowed to hit 'em with a shovel.

  'Look, golems or not, let's have dinner tonight, just you and me, up in the suite. Aimsbury would love it. He doesn't often get a chance to cook for humans and it'd make him feel better. He'll do anything you want, I'm sure.'

  Adora Belle gave him a lopsided look. 'I thought you'd suggest that," so I ordered sheep's head. He was overjoyed.'

  'Sheep's head?' said Moist gloomily. 'You know I hate food that stares back. I won't even look a sardine in the face.'

  'He promised to blindfold it.'

  'Oh, good.'

  'My granny did a wonderful sheep's head mould,' said Adora Belle. 'That's where you use pig's trotters to thicken the broth so that when it gets cold you—'

  'You know, sometimes there's such a thing as too much information?' said Moist. 'This evening, then. Now let's go and see your dead wizard. You should enjoy it. There's bound to be skulls.'

  There were skulls. There were black drapes. There were complex symbols drawn on the floor. There were spirals of incense from black thuribles. And in the middle of all this the Head of Post-Mortem Communications, in a fearsome mask, was fiddling with a candle.

  He stopped when he heard them come in, and straightened up hur
riedly.

  'Oh, you're early,' he said, his voice somewhat muffled by the fangs. 'Sorry. It's the candles. They should be cheap tallow for the proper black smoke, but wouldn't you know it, they've given me beeswax. I told them just dribbling is no good to me, acrid smoke is what we want. Or what they want, anyway. Sorry, John Hicks, head of department. Ponder has told me all about you.'

  He took off the mask and extended a hand. The man looked as though he'd tried, like any self-respecting necromancer, to grow a proper goatee beard, but owing to some basic lack of malevolence it had turned out a bit sheepish. After a few seconds Hicks realized why they were staring, and pulled off the fake rubber hand with the black fingernails.

  'I thought necromancy was banned,' said Moist.

  'Oh, we don't do necromancy here,' said Hicks. 'What made you think that?'

  Moist looked around at the furnishings, shrugged, and said, 'Well, I suppose it first crossed my mind when I saw the way the paint was flaking off the door and you can still just see a crude skull and the letters NECR…'

  'Ancient history, ancient history,' said Hicks quickly. 'We are the Department of Post-Mortem Communications. A force for good, you understand. Necromancy, on the other hand, is a very bad form of magic done by evil wizards.'

  'And since you are not evil wizards, what you are doing can't be called necromancy?'

  'Exactly!'

  'And, er, what defines an evil wizard?' said Adora Belle.

  'Well, doing necromancy would definitely be there right on top of the list.'

  'Could you just remind us what you are going to do?'

  'We're going to talk to the late Professor Flead,' said Hicks.

  'Who is dead, yes?'

  'Very much so. Extremely dead.'

  'Isn't that just a tiny bit like necromancy?'

  'Ah, but, you see, for necromancy you require skulls and bones and a general necropolitan feel,' said Dr Hicks. He looked at their expressions. 'Ah, I see where you're going here,' he said, with a little laugh that cracked a bit around the edges. 'Don't be deceived by appearances. I don't need all this. Professor Flead does. He's a bit of a traditionalist and wouldn't get out of his urn for anything less than the full Rite of Souls complete with Dread Mask of Summoning.' He twanged a fang.

  'And that's the Dread Mask of Summoning, is it?' said Moist. The wizard hesitated for a moment before saying: 'Of course.'

  'Only it looks just like the Dread Sorcerer mask they sell in Boffo's shop in Tenth Egg Street,' said Moist. 'Excellent value at five dollars, I thought.'

  'I, er, think you must be mistaken,' said Hicks.

  'I don't think so,' said Moist. 'You left the label on.'

  'Where? Where?' The I'm-not-a-necromancer-at-all snatched up the mask and turned it over in his hands, looking for—

  He saw Moist's grin and rolled his eyes. 'All right, yes,' he muttered. 'We lost the real one. Everything gets lost round here, you just wouldn't believe it. They're not clearing up the spells properly. Was there a huge squid in the corridor?'

  'Not this afternoon,' said Adora Belle.

  'Yes, what's the reason for the squid?'

  'Oooh, let me tell you about the squid!' said Hicks.

  'Yes?'

  'You don't want to know about the squid!'

  'We don't?'

  'Believe me! Are you sure it wasn't there?'

  'It's the sort of thing you notice,' said Adora Belle.

  'With any luck that one's worn off, then,' said Hicks, relaxing. 'It really is getting impossible. Last week everything in my filing cabinet filed itself under "W". No one seems to know why.'

  'And you were going to tell us about the skulls,' said Adora Belle.

  'All fake,' said Hicks.

  'Excuse me?' The voice was dry and crackly and came from the shadows in the far corner.

  'Apart from Charlie, of course,' Hicks added hurriedly. 'He's been here for ever!

  'I'm the backbone of the department,' said the voice, a shade proudly.

  'Look, shall we get started?' said Hicks, rummaging in a black velvet sack. 'There are some hooded black robes on the hook behind the door. They're just for show, of course, but nee— Post-Mortem Communications is all about theatre, really. Most of the people we… communicate with are wizards, and frankly they don't like change.'

  'We're not going to do anything… ghoulish, are we?' said Adora Belle, looking at a robe doubtfully.

  'Apart from talk to someone who's been dead for three hundred years,' said Moist. He was not naturally at ease in the presence of skulls. Humans have been genetically programmed not to be ever since monkey times, because a) whatever turned that skull into a skull might still be around and you should head for a tree now, and b) skulls look like they're having a laugh at one's expense.

  'Don't worry about that,' said Hicks, taking a small ornamental jar out of the black bag and polishing it on his sleeve. 'Professor Flead willed his soul to the university. He's a bit crabby, I have to say, but he can be cooperative if we put on a decent show.' He stood back. 'Let's see… grisly candles, Circle of Namareth, Glass of Silent Time, the Mask, of course, the Curtains of, er, Curtains and' — here he put a small box down beside the jar — 'the vital ingredients.'

  'Sorry? You mean all those expensive-sounding things aren't vital?' said Moist.

  'They're more like… scenery,' said Hicks, adjusting the hood. 'I mean, we could all sit round reading the script out loud, but without the costumes and scenery who'd want to turn up? Are you interested in the theatre at all?' he added, in a hopeful voice.

  'I go when I can,' said Moist guardedly, because he recognized the hope.

  'You didn't by any chance see 'Tis Pity She's an Instructor in Unarmed Combat at the Little Theatre recently? It was put on by the Dolly Sisters Players?'

  'Uh, no, I'm afraid not.'

  'I played Sir Andrew Fartswell,' said Dr Hicks, in case Moist was due a sudden attack of recollection.

  'Oh, that was you, was it?' said Moist, who'd met actors before. 'Everyone at work was talking about it!'

  I'm okay just so long as he doesn't ask which night they talked about, he thought. There's always one night in every play when something hilariously dreadful happens. But he was fortunate; an experienced actor knows when not to push his luck.

  Instead Hicks said: 'Do you know ancient languages?'

  'I can do Basic Droning,' said Moist.

  'Is this ancient enough for you?'

  said Adora Belle, and made Moist's spine tingle. The private language of the golems was usually hell on the human tongue, but it sounded unbearably sexy when Adora Belle uttered it. It was like silver in the air.

  'What was that?' said Hicks.

  'The common language of golems for the last twenty thousand years,' said Adora Belle.

  'Really? Most, er, moving… er… We'll begin…'

  In the counting house no one dared to look up as the desk of the chief cashier rumbled around on its turntable like some ancient tumbril. Papers flew under Mavolio Bent's hands while his brain drowned in poisons and his feet treadled continually to release the dark energies choking his soul.

  He didn't calculate, not as other men saw it. Calculation was for people who couldn't see the answer turning gently in their head. To see was to know. It always had been.

  The mound of accumulated paperwork dwindled as the fury of his thinking racked him.

  There were new accounts being opened all the time. And why? Was it because of trust? Probity? An urge towards thrift? Was it because of anything that could be called worth?

  No! It was because of Lipwig! People whom Mr Bent had never seen before and hoped never to see again were pouring into the bank, their money in boxes, their money in piggy banks and quite often their money in socks. Sometimes they were actually wearing the socks!

  And they were doing this because of words! The bank's coffers were filling up because the wretched Mr Lipwig made people laugh and made people hope. People liked him. No one had ever liked Mr Be
nt, as far as he was aware. Oh, there had been a mother's love and a father's arms, the one chilly, the other too late, but where had they got him? In the end he'd been left alone. So he'd run away and found the grey caravan and entered a new life based on numbers and on worth and solid respect, and he had worked his way up and, yes, he was a man of worth and, yes, he had respect. Yes, respect. Even Mr Cosmo respected him.

  And from nowhere there was Lipwig, and who was he? No one seemed to know except for the suspicious man with the unstable teeth. One day there was no Lipwig, next day he was the Postmaster General! And now he was in the bank, a man whose worth was in his mouth and who showed no respect for anyone! And he made people laugh — and the bank filled up with money!

  And did the Lavishes lavish anything on you? said a familiar little voice in his head. It was a hated little part of himself that he had beaten and starved and punched back into its wardrobe for years. It wasn't the voice of his conscience. He was the voice of his conscience. It was the voice of the… the mask.

  'No!' snapped Bent. Some of the nearest clerks looked up at the unaccustomed noise and then hurriedly lowered their heads for fear of catching his eye. Bent stared fixedly at the sheet in front of him, watching the numbers roll past. Rely on the numbers! They didn't let you down…

  Cosmo doesn't respect you, you fool, you fool. You have run their bank for them and cleaned up after them! You made, they spent… and they laugh at you. You know they do. Silly Mr Bent with his funny walk, silly, silly, silly…

  'Get away from me, get away,' he whispered.

  The people like him because he likes them. No one likes Mr Bent.

  'But I have worth. I have value!' Mr Bent pulled another worksheet towards him and sought solace in its columns. But he was pursued…

  Where was your worth and value when you made the numbers dance, Mr Bent? The innocent numbers? You made them dance and somersault and cartwheel when you cracked your whip, and they danced into the wrong places, didn't they, because Sir Joshua demanded his price! Where did the gold dance off to, Mr Bent? Smoke and mirrors!