Letters to Me

by Eliza Rose

  “Kimber wait!” I run out of the hallway and into the office. I tell the secretary that I am not feeling well and I have changed my mind that I am going home.

  “I’m sorry hun, I haven’t even checked you in yet just go ahead and go home. Do you want me to call your momma?”

  “No ma’am I’ll be ok.” By the time I walk out of the office he is already waiting on me. He comes towards me and I look the other way and head for the door. He follows without a word. I get to my car after what feels like hours, but could have only been about a minute or two. The sky is darkening with every minute that passes. I look up to him with tears in my eyes. “How long?” I ask with a huge lump in my throat.

  “Since Halloween. I didn’t mean for this to happen. It just did. I honestly wanted to break it off after it happened that night.” It starts to rain.

  “I knew it!!! I knew you came out of that room and someone else did to. I knew that you had been crying. I wished I would have known why then, before I gave you everything. I was literally throwing away scholarships and colleges that I loved for our future. This between us is what I was planning for. This relationship that is now in shambles on the asphalt.”

  “I don’t blame you if you hate me.” Cole says with tears in his eyes as well. My tears are now streaming down my face.

  “Cole, I don’t hate you. I love you. I will always love and care for you, but I am a fool for thinking that this could be a thing. That we could be together and create a life and be with each other forever. I should have known that I should have stayed a virgin. Obviously, you gave your virginity away to her and not me like I assumed.”

  “Yes, Halloween we fooled around and then after we had sex. I’m sorry. I don’t know what else to say.”

  “Did you continue this whole time?”

  “Yes, although I didn’t want to.”

  “Okay, Cole this is over between us. We can still be friends, but I can’t trust you anymore. I don’t know if I can ever trust you like I have before.” The bell rings for the end of day and I realize we have been standing out in the rain for an hour and a half. I’m soaked and so is he. “I have to go. I need to think. Just give me some time.”

  “Why give you time? Don’t you know he is mine?” Quinn yells from a few cars away. I didn’t notice her umbrella getting closer and closer. “We have been together for months. Why would he stay with someone as inexperienced as you when he could have me? He was with me the day of the winter formal. He is with me every day before he comes to your house. He even gave me this necklace for Valentine’s Day. What did he get you? Oh yeah, nothing. He doesn’t care about you in that way and he never really did. You are just his poor little puppy dog that follows him around. You need to run home to mommy. Oops, no one at home for Kimmy is there?”

  “Quinn shut up!” Cole says. “That is taking it too far.” Quinn smiles and looks at me.

  “See you soon Huntley.” She says and walks away. I look at Cole with disbelief.

  “Yeah this isn’t going to work. I trusted you!” I start getting more and more angry. “I gave you everything! And you decide to be with her?!! I’m more important than just a random hook up. You know things that Rachel doesn’t even know! How dare you! I can’t believe I thought you actually loved me.” I start to cry harder.

  “I do love you, and I have this whole time. You want to go off to college and leave this town and all of us behind. I can’t do that. So it’s better to just get stuck with someone that’s going nowhere than with someone who is going to be going places and has a real and true future. I love you and I’m letting you go.”

  “You’re full of it, you know that right? You love me so you don’t want to be with me?! You are just using that as an excuse!” I know that I am very self conscious and I don’t think highly of myself, but this isn’t cool. I’m not putting up with this from anyone.

  “I’ll see you around.” Cole says this and turns and walks away.

  “Fine run away like every one else does!” I cry out and get in my car with tears streaming down my face. I don’t want to go home so I go to get a milkshake from The Village. I’m still crying when I order, but the nice lady that takes my order doesn’t ask any questions. I get my milkshake and go get in the car. I sit for what seems like forever and decide I need to go home. I notice that there has been a car parked on the hill for a while too. They must be wanting to park here. I pull out, but instead of parking they follow me. That’s strange. I start heading home and take the longer way just to think. I get home and lock up behind me. I get in the shower and think about calling Momma or Jozlyn. Rachel probably has known about Cole and Quinn longer than I have. The thought of my best friend or ex best friend knowing that my boyfriend was cheating on me almost our entire relationship and didn’t say anything is pretty crappy. I decide to call Jozlyn and see if it would be ok with her if I stayed the weekend with her in Florence. I don’t think Momma would mind. Of course who wants their baby sister hanging out in a college town with them? No one, but I decide to try anyway.

  “Hello?”

  “Hey Joz, I need to ask a favor.”

  “What is it?”

  “Could I come stay with you for the weekend? I had a pretty rough day and could use some sister time.”

  “As long as Momma’s ok with it, That’s fine. I don’t have anything fun to do. Just study and watch tv.”

  “Sounds amazing! I’ll let you know what Momma says.” I hang up with her and call Momma. Of course she is fine with it. So I pack a few things into a duffle bag and lock up the house. I get going down the road towards Florence, and I see the same car again from The Village. It looks familiar, but I just can’t place it. I continue on my way down the road. The car disappears only to reappear in front of me about 100 yards away coming in my direction. I think I recognize the car, but there’s no way. It is fast approaching, and is coming into my lane. If they continue I will have to veer off. They are straight ahead and less than 50 yards. I can’t believe it! I knew I recognized that car! The driver swerves just in time to miss me head on, but I still get hit in the front of the driver side. I spin at least 4 times and the back of my car is hanging over a ravine. I don’t know really how to recover. The car tilts slowly and I scream. It’s the last thing I remember before completely falling into the bottom of the ravine. How is anyone going to find me as far down as I am. The car starts moving faster and faster backwards. I hear and feel trees hitting the car over and over. I scream one last time before every thing goes white.

  Chapter 11

  I open my eyes. Everything is white. I’m laying on the cold floor. I start to look around and I am in an empty room except there is a mirror on the opposite wall from me. I soon realize that I’m in a hospital room. I get off the floor and look around, bed, sink, hospital curtain, and I am in a hospital gown. I walk towards the sink and mirror and look at myself. I am looking in this mirror, but I don’t see a reflection of my current self. I see an older version of me. Laugh lines and crows feet are on my face, but I know that it’s me I can feel it.

  “You’re going to be ok. You have to learn to let go of what has happened and move on to a better you. You are an amazing person! You love with all that you have, you show concern for other even if you don’t know them, you are kind, gentle, and caring. Kimber, honey, you are worthy of love. You deserve love. You need it. You have to start here though.” Future me points at her heart and then her head. “You need to get over the thought that you aren’t good enough. You are, and you deserve the best. Now what are you going to do?”

  “Figure out how I got here and what drug induced trip this is.” Older me laughs and then so do I.

  “Kimber, this is your subconscious. That’s what I am. I am you. You need to remember that you are worthy and then you need to lay back down. You have people waiting for you to wake up.”

  “Ok thanks, I think.” I walk back over to where I woke up and decide to get in the bed instead. I cover up to my chest and then look over at
the mirror one more time. My subconscious, that’s weird to say, waves at me and then disappears. I start to hear a humming sound, the a beep. Beep, beep, beep, beep. It continues. I start to wake up more, and start to feel all of the pain. Everything is sore. I’m pretty sure I have bandages everywhere and my legs feel like they are strapped down. The beeping is still going and I realize that it’s my heart monitor. Cool, I’m alive! I can’t open my eyes yet. I need to take inventory and remember how I got here and why I hurt so bad. The car accident. I went into a ravine! How am I alive? I must be really banged up. I know that I can’t move my left arm and my right arm has an iv in it. Oh great, I’m sure Momma is near if not right beside me. I’m sure she is worried and is staring at my face to see if I am awake yet. I start to listen. Sure enough someone is beside me, and breathing heavily like they are asleep. I’m sure it’s her. I listen for anyone else in the room and from what I can tell no one else is here. I start to concentrate on opening my eyes. I finally get the “wires” to connect and open my eyes. It’s not Momma. Where is she? Why in the hell is he here? Why is he staring at me?

  “What?” I ask a little more horse than I expected.

  “This is my fault Kimber. This has all been my fault. I am so sorry.”

  “What are you talking about Cole? What is your fault?”

  “All of it.” He drags his hands down his face and covers his eyes. I start to think back to what led to the wreck. Then I remember who caused the wreck, and how I shouldn’t have been as surprised as I was and still am.

  “She ran me off the road. Was she behind everything?”

  “From the broken windows to the dead rabbit to the wreck and everything in between. She even told me things that I thought may have been true. That you had cheated on me after we started dating. Why would you want to be with me? I’m just a stupid football player that’s going no where. I don’t deserve someone like you. I am starting to think I do deserve to be stuck with someone like her for the rest of my life.” He hands me a cup of ice water with a bendy straw. I take several strong sips.

  “I didn’t think she could or would go that far just because I was with someone that she wanted to be with. What kind of person does this?”

  “She is in jail right now… she will be for a while. Attempted murder is a crime you know. The only reason she didn’t hit you head on is because she would have been hurt. She wasn’t aware of the cop right behind her that saw the whole thing.”

  “Where’s my Momma? Did someone call Jozlyn? I was going to her house, and she is probably worried.”

  “Kimber, you have been unconscious for a week. Your mom is at work. We have been taking turns watching you. She knows everything, and is furious with me. I thought she was going to kill me. I didn’t tell her that you and I slept together though. I know you would want to tell her that if it was important enough. I would have taken it to my grave.”

  “Thanks, but why are you watching over me? Aren’t you supposed to be in school or busy hanging out with other people? We broke up… didn’t we?”

  “Yes, you broke up with me. It’s Wednesday night and I will go when your Momma gets here. I already texted her that you are awake. I’m sure she will see it soon. Jozlyn couldn’t stay past Sunday. She’s also got a text from me and she will probably come see you tomorrow. Just because you broke up with me doesn’t mean that I don’t love you still. I have loved you since we were little. I understand why you don’t want to be with me, but that doesn’t mean that I can’t care for you as a friend would.”

  “Okay. Why am I so tired?”

  “Well that’s because you almost died.” Rachel says entering the room. “That bitch didn’t just screw with Cole’s mind but mine too. I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you.” She tears up. And comes to sit at my other side.

  “What matters most is that you are both here now.” I say and yawn. I close my eyes and start to fall asleep. Just as I am about to fall asleep they start to talk about the accident.

  “How is it that she is alive?” Rachel asks Cole.

  “Because the police officer was right behind Quinn when she ran her over. He called for someone else to go after Quinn and he called for EMT and Fire fighters. Then he went down into the ravine and went after her. She would have died if she would have been down there for any longer. She doesn’t even know how bad she is. I don’t know if she feels any pain or if the meds are keeping it away. She is going to have to fight to get better I know that much.”

  “How bad?” Rachel asks with a heavy sounding voice.

  “Bad,” Cole says as he stands and moves away from me. I can barely hear now. I’m tired. Everything fades and I sleep heavily for the first time in what feels like forever.

  The next morning I wake up and feel like a weight is on my body. I feel like I am moving too. I open my eyes, and I am moving. I look up at the person, a nurse, next to me.

  “Hey darlin! We are just taking you to x-ray since you are finally waking and sleeping properly the doctor wants to see if he can see what we are working with. It’s all gonna be okay!” She seems far too perky and I feel like something is definitely not okay. I stay still and when we get into the x-ray room I do what they tell me as best as I can. I realize that I don’t have movement in my left arm and my left leg. My right side is pretty banged up but I can move it just enough to turn when I am told. I get done and back to my room and Momma is waiting on me.

  “Hey Momma.” I say meekly.

  “Hey baby.” She starts crying and stares at me. I don’t really know what to say so I just close my eyes.

  “I’m not sleeping just closing my eyes. The lights are really bright.” She gets up and does something next to my bed. “How bad off am I Momma? I can barely move.”

  “Six broken bones in your left arm and leg, fractures in your right arm and leg, several broken ribs, a concussion, and your left collar bone is broken. You had some internal bleeding where a tree limb punctured your side and a few thousand bruises.”

  “Oh, is that all? How’s the car?”

  “There’s no car left. The twisted piece of fiberglass and metal that used to be your car is now at a lot for the police to investigate any further issues. There was a dash cam video of the whole thing, and I’m sure they won’t need anything else. It’s just in case, but the insurance has already told me it’s covered in full by Quinn’s insurance. She is in jail and probably won’t ever get out. She has several accounts of harassment and attempted murder on her. She will never bother you again.”

  “Are you mad?” I ask and look down at my blanket.

  “Of course I’m not mad. I was a little mad at Cole, I’m furious with Quinn, but honey you haven’t done anything wrong. I was so worried about you. So were Cole and Rachel. I know you and Cole have had a hard time lately, but he does care and so does Rachel.” I sigh and feel a stabbing pain in my side. Must be the ribs. Momma see me wince and asks if I have ate anything.

  “No ma’am. I woke up with them wheeling me to x-ray. I sure am hungry though.”

  “Okay baby let me see if I can get you some food. I’ll be right back.” She leaves the room and I just want to cry. I haven’t had a chance to deal with all of this. Someone tried to kill me in this tiny town. I had my first love cheat on me with the person who tried to kill me and I’m not sure still if my best friend knew about it or not. I then remember my dream before I woke up. Forget about the past and move on. I think that’s just what I’m going to do… I want to know the truth though. I will find out and then move on. I need to heal in more than one way. I’ve been here for almost a week and a half and I want to get back to school and graduate. I don’t know exactly what I want to do, but I’m going to do what is best for me and not anyone else. I deserve happiness and I’m going to have it. I honestly need to focus on myself and not anyone else. What Cole did was unforgettable. I can forgive him and I will. Eventually. If he really loves me then why would he be with someone else. I don’t understand it.

  Momma brings
back some food and I eat it in what seems like two minutes flat. I’m starving. We talk most of the day and then she has to go to work.

  “Okay, but Momma when can I go home?”

  “Honey, I will talk to the doctor maybe soon ok?”

  “Okay,” I say with a heavy sigh. I hate being here. I just want to be alone, and here I don’t have a moment to myself. She leaves and I stare out of the window. I can’t see anything but the flat roof in front of the window and the sky. It’s a cloudy day and it looks like it’s a little windy.

  I startle awake when I hear someone at the door. That’s new. I’m usually a heavy sleeper. Cole shuts the door and turns towards me. He smiles and is carrying a white cup and white to go plate. I know where those are from instantly and hope he can remember what I like from The Village.

  “Is this what I think it is?”

  “Peanut butter milkshake and crispitos.” He laughs at my face and hands it over. I know I want to hug and kiss him but we aren’t a couple and I don’t know why he keeps coming to see me.

  “Why do you keep coming up here?” I ask a little too bluntly.

  “I’ve already told you, your momma and I have an agreement. I love you and I want to make sure you’re safe. You don’t have to talk to me, and if you want I can sit in the hallway. I know the hospital food is crap so I brought you something I know you will enjoy. I don’t deserve you, but I do deserve you to hate me.”