Unhurt

by Thomas, K. S.

For a moment I thought Derek was awake as well. I could heard him talking even before I reached him. As soon as he came into view though, I realized he was dreaming. Having a nightmare was probably a more accurate description. His face was completely distorted, pain seared into each one of his beautiful features in a way I’d never seen on him before. Sure, there’d been times I caught him, off in thought and looking forlorn, lost, like he was grieving someone or something. I knew the look. I’d seen it on my own face every morning in the bathroom mirror for two years after Cara died. It wasn’t just losing my best friend. It was so much more. She’d been there for every second of my past, and together we had planned out every detail of our future. Without her, suddenly it had seemed like neither existed anymore. Which sort of felt like maybe I didn’t exist anymore.

  Then, there’d been Wyatt. He’d needed me. A new me. So, the old me, the me I knew, had died with Cara, and a new version – a harder and more capable one – had taken my place. Except now I felt like maybe that chick had seen Derek and taken off running, too. Cowards. All of them. But it begged the question, which part of me was still here? And how did she feel so self-assured and strong when so much had already been stripped away?

  “Derek.” I whispered, lightly stroking his hair. It was damp with sweat. My hand had barely settled on him when his arm flew up and I felt the pinch of his tight grip on my wrist.

  His eyes flew open and a man I’d never seen before stared back at me. Then, as quickly as he’d appeared, he was gone again and Derek’s face filled with horror as he realized what he’d done.

  “Shit. Are you okay?” He pulled himself upright and carefully held up my hand to examine my wrist. It was red.

  “I’m fine. Really. I shouldn’t have startled you like that, I’m sorry.” I tried to wriggle free from his hold. The longer he stared at the marks he’d left behind, the worse he’d feel and that was the last thing I wanted.

  “Don’t apologize to me. Are you nuts? I should never have grabbed you like that. Startled or not. What if it had been Wyatt? Fuck.” He buried his face in the palm of my hand. He didn’t say anything else, but started trailing soft kisses around my wrist. Even in the dim light I could see a gut-wrenching hurt festering on the contours of his face as he continued to battle his emotions.

  I knelt down on the floor in front of him so I could look up at his downcast eyes.

  “Listen to me. I am fine. Wyatt is fine. You would never hurt us. Not even when startled out of a deep sleep.”

  He shook his head. “You don’t know that, Joss. These dreams. The shit I see when my eyes are closed...when I’m there, I do things I would never do here.” The light from the TV streaked his eyes. They were glassy and red and I wasn’t sure if it was from being exhausted or fighting back actual tears. Somehow I couldn’t picture Derek crying. In the short time I’d known him, he certainly hadn’t struggled with expressing a variety of feelings, and yet I always got the distinct sense that he was very particular about what he showed me, always in total control of himself and his emotions.

  Now, all of that strength and composure seemed to be breaking away, crumbling right before me, revealing things he’d never shared with me. It seemed selfish suddenly, how much I had relied on him. How much of my crap I had placed on him to carry without ever offering to do the same for him. Maybe I was maxed out on my own shit, but that didn’t mean I couldn’t take on someone else’s.

  I reached up to cradle the side of his face in my free hand. “Hey.” The weight of his head rested against my palm and all I could think was how badly I wanted to offer him the same comfort and safety he had given me in the last month. “Whatever happened, whatever you did, you are good man, Derek.”

  He pressed his lips together, closing his eyes. “Not nearly good enough.”

  “How can you say that? After everything you’ve done for me and my family?”

  His gaze dropped back down to meet mine and I saw it. Fear. The man I knew to be my rock. My soldier. The person who stood up to every monster of my past without hesitation, had a beast of his own he was terrified of.

  Slowly I got to my feet. Never letting go of his face, I drew him to my stomach and softly wrapped my arms around him. The strength of his own grasp tightened around me and I realized I never wanted him to let me go. Maybe it was more selfishness. Or maybe because I was strong enough to face his demons when so many weren’t. Then again, maybe I just knew neither of us could ever go back to being alone after having felt the safety of being together.

  Derek and I never made it much farther than the edge of the couch. We wound up sleeping on the floor beside it, my entire body wrapped around him, cocooning him in the only shield I had to offer. Myself.

  Come morning, the pain of his haunted night had been magically erased from his face again. However, now that I had seen it, a glimmer of the truth remained there in his eyes.

  “Everybody up?” Aunt Deb called as she let herself in.

  “Yeah, we’re up,” I shouted back from the living room. Wyatt had strolled in twenty minutes earlier and was happily sitting in the recliner with Hattie beside him, petting her head while he watched cartoons.

  “Why aren’t you dressed yet? You guys need to leave in less than an hour.” Aunt Deb had abandoned her usual ‘whatever, it’s cool’ attitude. I guess court did that to people.

  “Relax. I’m jumping in the shower right now.” I nodded toward the kitchen. “Derek’s just getting breakfast for Wyatt. He can be ready in less than fifteen minutes, so don’t bite his head off when he walks in the room still wearing his sweats and t-shirt, k?”

  She grimaced, not a clear sign of approval, but I was fluent enough in Aunt Deb facial expressions to know Derek would be safe without me.

  After taking the fastest shower known to man and slipping into the most responsible-looking ensemble I owned (a pair of grey dress pants in a skinny cut, paired with a tucked in white blouse and classic black pumps), I did my hair and make-up in record time and came bustling down the hallway again.

  Somewhere between having to tell my hippie aunt to chill out and reaching the door to my room I had been hit with an explosive surge insisting I bolt from the house and run straight to the courthouse to face this shit storm head on. Because somehow I was sure getting there half an hour before everyone else did would help put it behind me sooner.

  Not used to walking in heels, I about ate it halfway down the hall. It hardly slowed me down any though. Of course, the second I reached the living room, I came to a dead stop.

  There was my son, eating his breakfast. Innocent enough, you’re thinking. It was. Except he was sitting in Derek’s lap. Both were lounging on the couch together, Wyatt lying back on Derek’s broad chest, and both eating their oatmeal in unison as if they’d been doing it day in and day out for the last four years.

  “Feel like you just got punched in the gut, don’t ya, Doodle?” Aunt Deb. I hadn’t even noticed her creeping up on me.

  “Uh-huh.” I bit my lip because a little physical pain seemed like a good thing to focus on just then over the massive ache in my soul. “But in a good way.”

  ***

  I heard Joss’s voice and turned my attention toward the hall. The sight of her nearly made me choke on my oatmeal. She looked incredible. She always looked incredible. Today, it was more though. I didn’t know what it was, but I did know if every day of the rest my life started with a bowl of oatmeal, Tom and Jerry, and the sight of her, I’d never want another damned thing.

  I cleared my throat. “That was fast.”

  “Aunt Deb yelled at me. So, you know, I was scared I might get a time out or something if I didn’t hurry it up. Speaking of, how long before you’re ready?”

  Wyatt leaned into me with more pressure as if he was trying to trap me in place and keep me from leaving.

  “Jerry’s just about done torturing Tom. It’ll take me ten minutes after that.”

  She nodded briefly, then followed Deb into the kitchen, tousling Wyatt’
s hair in passing. Her eyes stayed locked onto mine the entire time, both of us craning our necks to keep from breaking the stare as we moved farther apart again.

  It was eight forty-seven when I parked the truck and we got out to climb the rather intimidating stairs leading up to the courthouse. We had plenty of time, and Joss seemed to be continually flipping back and forth between being in a mad rush to face her fears and slowing down to dripping molasses as if she could stave off the encounter altogether that way.

  “Do you see him anywhere?” Her eyes were darting all around. There was no need to clarify who she meant. Travis had been lurking everywhere we went for weeks. Today was no different.

  “He’s parked three rows over. Been behind us since we pulled out on Jefferson. Not alone today though. I’m guessing she’s the mysterious wife we’ve only heard about so far.”

  I saw Joss suppress a shudder, an almost automatic response to anything Travis-related these days, and then discreetly helped her get a look for herself.

  “You think she knows what a creep she’s married to?” she asked, repeatedly scanning the area they were sitting in.

  “Not sure.” I paused. There was something I’d been wanting to ask since day one, but I hadn’t wanted to start a fight. “Did Cara know?”

  Joss’s attention shifted away from Travis instantly. “Honestly? I don’t know. She never told me about Travis. Only ever said it was a one night stand.” Her fingers were fidgeting at her side and I reached out to hold them steady. She continued, “I think she had to have known something though. I mean, why keep his name from me but put it on the birth certificate? And why go through the trouble of making me Wyatt’s legal guardian if she knew there was a record of his father? I don’t know. Plus...”

  I waited for her to continue. When she didn’t, I pushed. “Plus what?”

  She stopped, nearly to the door now, and turned toward me. “She never kept any secrets from me. Not a single secret in twenty years. It just hasn’t ever made sense to me that she lied to me about something as important as this.”

  “Maybe she was scared that you’d see her differently if you knew the truth.” I wasn’t really talking about Cara anymore, but Joss didn’t know that.

  “Trust me, I was in no position to judge anyone’s choice in men back then. The only thing it would have changed is how unprepared I was to fight him. If I had known what he was like to begin with, I would have been ready. He never would have had a chance to take it this far.”

  I stepped closer to her. “What do you mean?”

  “Just that I would have come at him fists swinging, you know? I wouldn’t have taken the time to play nice. He would have known from the start that I was going to move hell and high water to protect Wyatt from him.”

  I studied her, the determination in her tone, the fierceness burning in her eyes. “What will you do to protect him this time around?” I already knew what her answer would be, but I needed to hear her say the words.

  “Whatever it takes.”

  Chapter Fifteen

  Diane, my lawyer, was pacing the foyer waiting for me when we walked in. She eyed Derek curiously as she shook my hand to greet me.

  “I see you brought a friend today.”

  “Actually, Diane, this is my husband, Derek.” I’d been practicing that sentence for a month now. It still sounded strange every time I heard it out loud.

  “Husband? This is new. You didn’t have one of those last time I saw you, did you?”

  Derek extended his hand to her. “She sure didn’t. I swept her off her feet and made a mad dash to the altar right after I met her,” he joked, as always his charming self. If only we’d had a female judge assigned to us. Based on Diane’s reaction to him, we’d have won the case in a heartbeat.

  “Yes, well. Sweep away, I say,” she chuckled in her deep, raspy voice. “This certainly is an excellent turn in events, my dear. Marriage will definitely work in your favor. Of course, I’m sure that had nothing to do with your impromptu nuptials.” She winked at us and turned to lead the way into the courtroom.

  We had barely taken our seats when we were instructed to stand again. Once Judge Parrish was settled, the rest of the room lowered themselves to their chairs as well. There were ten of us on this side of the bench: Derek, myself and Diane at our table and Travis, his wife and two attorneys at his. Behind them, sitting in the first pew, were two children in the company of a woman who looked like the earlier model of Travis’s wife. Didn’t take a genius to figure out the audience he had brought for himself consisted of his stepchildren and mother-in-law.

  “We’re here this morning to settle the matter of Joss Kelley versus Travis Buratta regarding the custody of Wyatt Leroux. Generally, I exclude children from formal hearings, but as it’s my understanding that neither of the children present are the child in question, I’ll allow them to stay today. Please make other arrangements for future hearings, Mr. Buratta.”

  Travis barely acknowledged he was being spoken to. His lawyer, however nodded repeatedly, clearly eager to stay in the judge’s good graces.

  “Alright. Counsel, are we ready to proceed with today’s hearing?” His eyes were still on Travis’s attorneys.

  “Yes, your honor.”

  Next, Judge Parrish addressed us. “And you, counsel?”

  Diane agreed. “Yes, your honor. We’re ready.”

  And so it began.

  Two hours of opening arguments. Both sides declaring without a doubt that they were the more suitable parent. The last time I’d been here, I’d understood it. It had made sense to me that I would have to fight to keep him. That I had to make a case for myself as a parent. Today, it felt absurd to hear Diane argue on my behalf, stating a list of reasons why I was the right parent for my son when the only reason that really should have mattered was that he was in fact my son. I was his mother. Who had given these people the right to question the most basic truth of my heart?

  By the time court adjourned, we had earned ourselves another date the following Wednesday. Seven more days of hell, anticipating what Travis would have in store for us next. The next session would include testimony from witnesses of our choosing.

  “We’re going to need to go over our list of people we want to bring in for questioning on your behalf. Probably be best if you come by the office first thing tomorrow morning so we can get started on it.” Diane was back to pacing in the lobby. She had another case coming up shortly.

  “Yeah, I can do that. What time?”

  She scrolled over the screen of her phone, checking her schedule. “How’s eight? I’ve got an opening all the way through lunch. We’ll need it.”

  I didn’t have to check my availability. I would be doing nothing except this until it was over. “I’ll be there.”

  Diane quickly added my name to the first open slot in her calendar, then peeked up at Derek. “What about you Mr. Tice? Will you be joining us as well?”

  I was about to explain to her that it really wasn’t Derek’s problem and that he had some much neglected work to catch up on when I heard him. “Absolutely. Expect to see me at every meeting from here on out.”

  She seemed more than satisfied. “Excellent. Well, then, I’ll see you two first thing tomorrow.” Diane gave a backwards wave as she hurried off to meet her next clients.

  “I guess that means we’re free to go.” Derek gestured for me to walk ahead.

  “Free might be a bit of a stretch. How far is Travis?” I grumbled as I started moving toward the tall front doors. The anxiety was lurching back and forth in my stomach with each step I took, just thinking about the son of a bitch and how he had become like the fucking Jack in a box of my life. Always lurking quietly, letting you think he was gone and never coming back and then – POP went the mother fucking weasel.

  Then, I felt Derek’s hand on the small of my back as he came up beside me and all of my worries vanished into thin air. “Saw Travis walk out about five minutes ago. I imagine he’s still out in the park
ing lot though. If not there, then hiding somewhere near the exit so he can catch us coming out.”

  I could see him smirking out of the corner of my eye. “What is it exactly about having a stalker you find so funny?”

  “Just been busy thinking of ways to fuck with him. Our friendly neighborhood psychopath is in for a surprise today.”

  Intrigued, I pressed on for some details. “What kind of surprise?”

  He winked. “You’ll see.”

  Then, before I could argue, I felt a light pressure on my back from his hand, urging me to turn right, away from the exit.

  “This way.” He nodded at the elevators along the wall.

  Once inside, he pressed number 7, the highest number available.

  “Where are we going?” As far as I knew, there was nothing that far up that concerned either one of us.

  “The roof.” His refusal to be a little bit more forthcoming was quickly raising my usual unstable sanity to lunatic status.

  “Listen, I’m not up for any crazy SEAL shit, okay? There will be no launching myself off of rooftops attached to some hang glider. Got it?”

  He chuckled.

  “That’s it? You’re just going to laugh at me?”

  His brow cocked upward and I could see him biting the inside of his lip while he decided how to answer me.

  “Alright then. How’s this?” Even as he said the words he stepped toward me until my back was against the wall. I felt the hiss of his ‘s’ on my lips as his mouth came down on them hard. Between the sensation of moving upward in the elevator and the general sense of hazy dizziness that overcame me every time Derek kissed me, I was in some sort of new state of delicious delirium.

  I was only just getting lost in this sweet torture when the ride came to a stop. He nipped my bottom lip and said in a deep whisper, “So, ready to leap yet?”

  In that moment, I was fully prepared to say yes regardless of whether he was referring to the roof or our relationship, if only it meant we could continue riding the elevator a little while longer.

  Derek however, unfortunately had no intention of staying on any longer, which he demonstrated quite clearly by taking my hand and leading me out into the hall.