Unhurt

by Thomas, K. S.

  “I’m coming in,” Aunt Deb announced from the other side of my bathroom door. I was curled up around the base of my toilet for the third straight day in a row and lacked the energy to fight her even if I was in no state to be viewed by anyone.

  “Sweet Jesus, Joss. How much longer are you going to do this?” She bent down and reached under my arms to pull me up. Leaning my head against her own chest, she sweetly rocked me back and forth in a way I’m sure she meant to be comforting, but actually just made me want to hurl again.

  “Ugh. Stop. You’re giving me motion sickness,” I groaned into the side of her arm.

  “Oh, sorry.” The rocking ceased instantly. “I’m serious, Joss, you’re scaring me. I’ve never seen you like this. Not even when Cara died.”

  I sobbed. The heaving in my chest was dry and painful. “If I tell you something, you have to swear never to tell anyone ever.” It took every ounce of strength I had at that point to lift my head from her chest and look at her.

  She nodded, then waited for me to make my confession.

  “This hurts worse than losing Cara,” I whined shamefully.

  I felt Aunt Deb’s hand reach up to collect the beehive of hair on my head, trying to smooth out the tangled mess it had become after missed showers and a lack of brushing. At this point I wondered if there would be any salvaging what was there. It was entirely possible I’d have to shave it all off and start from scratch by the time I was fit for civilization again.

  With closed eyes, I tried to focus only on the repetitive soft motion of my aunt’s hand traveling across my scalp. It was hypnotic in a way and an unexpected source of comfort I was happy to indulge in. I was so entranced by what she was doing, it took me a second to register when she spoke again.

  “You know, this is different than Cara. Not just because it hurts more, but because you can undo it. You can have him back in your life. All you have to do is ask him.”

  Just like that she had ruined the dreamy state of numbness she’d previously teased me with.

  “You know I can’t do that.”

  Apparently Aunt Deb didn’t know that. “If you’re really in love with him. Why give up?”

  I shrugged, frustrated to have to explain it to her when I’d already had the argument with myself a hundred times over and barely won each time. “Maybe I’m not really in love with him. I mean, I am the one who ended things. Don’t you think it says something that I was willing to make him walk away so easily?”

  “Sure. It says lots of things. None of which amount to you not being in love with him.” She resumed stroking my hair, but it was too late. It no longer had the same mesmerizing effect on me it had had before.

  “And what about him, huh? If I was mistaken, if he wasn’t here for the wrong reasons, why did he leave, hm?”

  Aunt Deb leaned down and whispered, “Because you told him too.” Even in her hushed tones, the words bore a harsh reminder of the part I’d played in my own misery and I could feel the tightness of tears even though I was too dehydrated to actually produce any.

  “Besides,” my aunt continued,” he’s not really gone. I mean, I’m pretty sure Darius and Abe aren’t hanging out here simply for something to do.”

  I jerked upright, slamming my hand on the cold hard tiles, the sting of needles spreading through my palm instantly. “See! He can’t stop himself! He just has to save us.”

  The next thing that happened, I hadn’t seen coming. Not in a million years. Aunt Deb got mad. Not just mad. She got pissed. At me.

  “Would you get your beautiful head out of your ass?! The man is in love with you. And yeah, it’s in his nature to want to be the hero, but is that really such a fucking tragedy?”

  “Well, no – “

  “Then why the hell are you making it one? Why are you in here lingering between death warmed over and mental patient, while your son is out there worrying about you and wondering why the only father figure he’s ever had has disappeared off of the face of the earth? And what about Derek, hm? What do you suppose this is doing to him? After everything that man has had to endure, you really think it’s fair to put him through this torture now? And for what? For loving you beyond rhyme or reason? For loving your son like he was his own? It’s shit, Joss. Total shit.”

  It was. And I was shit because of it. But that was the thing with shit. At its core, it simply didn’t believe it could be loved.

  ***

  Ever since Joss had made me leave I’d practically taken up residence on a barstool at Bobby’s pub. I just didn’t know where else to go. I mean, I had a house of my own, but going there seemed like admitting defeat and I couldn’t fucking do that. Home was with Joss and Wyatt. I didn’t want to go anywhere else. Even after everything that had been said, with Joss was still the only one place I wanted to be. The only place I really belonged.

  So, I sat there, sipping from a draft beer I knew I would never finish. Not that the appeal of getting totally shitfaced didn’t tempt me day after day. I simply couldn’t afford to escape this reality, regardless of how badly I wanted to because there was no guarantee that booze would take me to a better place. Drinking had the potential to send me somewhere even worse, to turn loose the monster I kept chained up within which would fucking devour me whole and destroy any part of me Joss might someday deem worthy of her heart again.

  “Want me to freshen that up?” Bobby was eyeing the warm, flat beer at my fingertips.

  “Nah, I’m cool.”

  He took the glass anyway. “Well I’m not. I can’t have a shit draft like that sitting on my counter. People will start to think I’m fucking serving it that way.”

  He dumped the draft and dropped the empty pint into the rack along with the other dirty dishes. Then he reached down into the cooler behind him and brought out a bottle of Bud for me.

  “Here, try this. At least with the dark brown glass no one will know how long you’ve been sitting on it.”

  I nodded. “Sorry, man. I don’t mean to be bad for business.”

  “I don’t give a shit about business. You’re family. That trumps this stupid bar every day of the week.” He gave a quick glance down the length of the counter. It was Saturday night and the place was packed, but Mattie had it covered for the moment. “I’ve tried talking to her, you know? Deb has, too. We both know you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to her and Wyatt.”

  I knew he meant well, but it didn’t feel true anymore. “You didn’t see her, Bobby. You don’t know what I saw when I looked in her eyes before she told me to leave. I hurt her. After everything I did to try and protect her from Travis, I was the one who did the most harm.”

  “Tell me you don’t really believe that. Fine, you didn’t go out of your way to tell her about your horror war stories, but who would? The only reason this has turned into such a shit cluster is because Joss is all fucked up in the head and she doesn’t know how to get out of her own way long enough to reach her own fucking happily ever after, even when it shows up on her fucking doorstep to marry her.” Bobby actually sounded pissed at Joss. Then, before I could threaten to punch his lights out for talking about her that way, he changed his tone.

  Coming in closer so no one else would hear our conversation, he said, “And I get it. It’s not like she doesn’t have every reason to act this way.”

  “I know, I should have been honest. Should have explained things to her –“

  Bobby shook his head adamantly. “No, not you. She was fucked up long before you ever came along. And not just because of Cara, either. Although, I guess that pretty much put the nails in her padded cell. Joss just has always had this way about her that made guys look at her like a challenge. Maybe because she was into busting people’s balls. Maybe because she didn’t put out as fast as the other girls did, I don’t fucking know. I was too young when it started to really get what was happening. But it was definitely happening. I don’t think she ever dated a single guy who wasn’t dating her for some ulterior motive. By the time
we were both adults, she’d resigned herself to dating assholes just so she wouldn’t be surprised later on. Then the whole thing with Cara happened, she wound up with Wyatt and dating your run of the mill piece of shit wasn’t going to cut it anymore, so she gave up men all together. I’ll tell you though, the fucking irony of it all was that these douchebags thought she was the shit, like she was the ultimate conquest or something, while she walked away from men thinking she wasn’t good enough to warrant more than an effort to gain the unattainable fuck.” He was staring off across the room in total disgust. And I was busy thinking how fucking lucky those motherfuckers were that they’d been around before I came to town.

  “She can’t really...I mean, she has to know...” Surely she didn’t think for one second that I was like those assholes. Not given everything we’d experienced together. She’d been the one to see me. Truly see to my core, the way no other woman had ever looked at me. She had to have seen then how crazy in love I was with her.

  But Bobby was shaking his head sadly. “She doesn’t know shit, Derek. Whatever truths her heart has told her about the two of you, her head has already obliterated. Trust me. I’ve seen that masochist go to work on herself. No one can hurt Joss quite like Joss can.”

  All this time I’d been obsessed with protecting her from Travis while the real enemy had been slipping right past me. Even as I sat there, I had left her vulnerable. Worse, I’d been the one to leave the fucking door open for her to come waltzing in and attack.

  Chapter Nineteen

  It was late when I came out of the house and strolled down the driveway to the workshop. Even in the dark, I could see Darius nod at me from the front seat of his Suburban as I walked by. Well, I saw his outline anyway.

  Made sense now, why he was so willing to sit there day after day keeping watch. He owed Derek his life. Spending a week camped out in someone’s driveway probably seemed like a small price to pay in return. Although, the fact that he was still sitting there even after I had sent Derek packing did raise several red flags in my theory regarding the validity of our relationship and his feelings for me.

  It also didn’t help that Aunt Deb’s reaming was still fresh on my mind hours later. I knew she was right. I knew they were all right. I just didn’t know what to do with that knowledge when it so clearly contradicted what the facts were telling me.

  Sure, as time had gone by, and feelings had grown between us, I had become fairly certain that he had to either be certifiably insane to stick around or genuinely care for me. After all, what did I have to offer? I was a single mom with drama to spare. Not exactly the type of stuff young hot bachelors were standing in line for. But Derek seemed to want every part of it. And I had seen no other explanation aside from the one that made the least sense to me. He truly wanted to be with me.

  Only then all of those well-rehearsed speeches I’d given myself about how this was different, and how Derek was different, had gone to total shit when I realized I did have something to offer the man. Redemption. And I was happy to give it, just not at the expense of my battered heart.

  Alone in my shop, I closed the door behind me and switched on the lights. Then I reached into my pocket and stared at the small cardboard box I’d been carrying around with me all day long. Finally, when I couldn’t take it any longer, my foot found the lever of the trashcan and pressed down. The lid popped open and I dropped the box inside.

  “One crisis at a time, Joss.”

  I stepped away from the trashcan only to bump into something behind me. I turned to see the very thing that had been keeping me from walking in here since Wednesday. Derek’s furniture. The only thing he’d left behind. The only thing of his still with me. I didn’t know if I wanted to drape my entire body over the pieces just for some delusional sense of closeness, or if I wanted to set them all on fire and watch them burn along with my misery.

  Since neither seemed like viable options, I did what I did best. Got to work. Moving on autopilot I began to retrieve paints and brushes along with a handful of rags I’d need for the finish I wanted to do.

  I’d been painting along silently for about ten minutes when I had to stop. My vision was so blurred from all the Goddamn tears I couldn’t see what the fuck I was doing anymore. To add to my frustrations, several droplets had landed on the fresh paint, leaving marks behind I hadn’t exactly intended for.

  Angry with myself and my stupid emotions, I grabbed a rag from my pile and wiped off all the paint I had only just applied. “Stupid fucking hormones,” I grumbled as if that would somehow make me feel better. I mean, I was all for placing blame, but it was becoming less and less satisfying the more frequently I did it.

  I threw the paint soaked towel across the room, hurling all of my anger with it. Big mistake. Next thing I knew, I was so overwhelmed with pain and regret and the feeling of complete and utter helplessness over not knowing how to overcome my pride and get back the one thing that could heal my heart, that I was hunched over, bracing myself on the large dresser I’d been painting.

  With my back to the door, I only heard the creak of it as it opened. Instantly, I stiffened up, determined not to have Aunt Deb find me in a puddle for the second time in one day. I took several rushed breaths, trying to calm my nerves when I felt the strength of two familiar hands on my waist, spinning me around.

  Next thing I knew, his lips were coming down on mine, claiming my mouth with a fierceness that would have frightened me if it had been anyone else. Only it wasn’t anyone else. It was him. The one person who could make right again every mistake I had made in the last week. I wanted him to claim me. With his lips. His body. His heart. There was no one else I wanted to belong to. No one else I wanted for myself.

  My arms reached up around his neck as I drank up his kisses. My body acted of its own accord like a magnet being drawn to its counterpart, the way it opened up to him, desperate to be made whole again.

  Moving with the same urgency I was feeling, his hands slid down under my ass and gripped it firmly, lifting me up off the ground and onto the dresser behind me. In one smooth motion the oversized t-shirt I’d been wearing was being pulled over my head, while I fumbled blindly with his belt buckle and zipper.

  Our hands roamed freely, wildly caressing every last inch of each other like two starving souls searching for their life source. His kisses grew deeper and deeper, pulling me into him until neither of us could take it any longer.

  His hands traveled down and he yanked me toward the edge of the dresser.

  “Promise me, you won’t ever question my love for you ever again, Joss,” Derek’s words rumbled in my mouth. “Promise.”

  My eyelids fluttered open long enough to see the truth that had been there all along. “I promise,” I breathed against his lips as he came in for another kiss.

  Then, he was inside of me, filling me with such ecstasy, it pushed every ugly feeling out of existence.

  After having completely devoured each other, we wound up content and exhausted on the cold stone floor of my workshop, still hopelessly entangled in one another and barely covered by one of my tarps. I couldn’t help but think how perfectly we reflected on the outside what had always been true on the inside. We’d had each other tied up in the knots from the very start. It had just taken me a while to realize it would be okay to stay that way.

  “I’m sorry.” I didn’t know if I was still breathless from our little escapade on the dresser or if it was the onslaught of feelings driving the breath from my lungs.

  Derek lifted himself onto his side, his hand tenderly sweeping the contours of my face. “You have nothing to be sorry for, Joss.”

  “Yes, I do. And you’re going to have to let me apologize from time to time if this is going to work, because I’m going to fuck up plenty and you can’t constantly swoop in and claim responsibility for it. I mean, don’t get me wrong, a girl likes it when a guy is happy to admit she’s always in the right, but we both know I’m way too hotheaded and stubborn to never make mistakes.”<
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  He chuckled faintly the way people did when it still hurt to laugh. “Maybe we should just make a deal right now, to never apologize for saying what we feel, even when those feelings aren’t pleasant to hear. At least we’ll know the other is always being honest.”

  I nodded slowly. This was it. My moment. The opening I needed and yet had no desire to fill because I wasn’t ready. Because saying it out loud would change everything, and I was already pretty tapped out on uncertainties at the moment.

  “Derek.”

  His eyes had been traveling the length of me, roaming my body in a way that sent tingly warm sensations to the pit of my stomach. This was what it felt like to have someone look at you that way.

  The sound of his name brought his attention back up to my face. “Yeah?” he murmured, closing in on my lips.

  “In keeping with our all honesty arrangement, there’s something I need to tell you.”

  He nudged the tip of my nose with his. “Go ahead. Just remember. No apologies.”

  “Ha. You say that now...”

  He retracted far enough to take in my entire face. The worry was starting to leave its mark around my eyes and mouth and I knew he could tell.

  “Whatever it is, Joss, it won’t change a thing. If these last three days have taught me anything, it’s that this is the only place on earth I want to be. Right here with you, Wyatt and Hattie. Our own perfect little family.”

  My lips twisted into a crooked smile. “Well, hold that thought. Because it’s about to get little less little.”

  Derek’s brow furrowed for a moment while he worked out for himself what I had just said. “Are you saying...but I thought....wait, what are you saying exactly?”