The Terrible Two Go Wild

by Mac Barnett

  Niles considered Josh’s offer.

  “No thanks, nombus.”

  Mudflap stifled a laugh, but he didn’t stifle it very well.

  “Mudflap was laughing at this funny joke I made earlier, at dinner,” Josh said, “not because you said nombus. Right, Mudflap?”

  “Yes, sir,” said Mudflap.

  “OK,” said Niles.

  “I’m serious,” said Josh.

  “OK,” said Niles.

  The prisoner had declined Josh’s offer. Josh had figured he would. But Mudflap had disrupted the rhythm of the interrogation. They were supposed to be running an enhanced version of the old Good Cop–Bad Cop technique, a variation Josh had invented himself: the Powerful Cop–Silently Loyal Cop–Identical Silently Loyal Cop technique. Splinters was doing a great job. Josh decided that Mudflap was definitely his least favorite cadet.

  Josh stood up and stomped, attempting to reestablish the menacing atmosphere that had dissipated somewhat with the nombus episode. “Fine! If you refuse to talk, then we’ll prank the information out of you!”

  Niles winced.

  “Well, Splinters, where should we begin?”

  Splinters, who’d spent the last ten mikes trying his best to be silently loyal, was confused: Should he answer Major Barkin’s question, which would be loyal, or just stand there, which was silent?

  “Why are you making that weird face?” Josh asked.

  (It’s true: Splinters was grimacing under the stress of his decision.)

  “JUST ANSWER THE QUESTION!” Josh PLOPped.

  “Um,” said Splinters, “we could cut his hair?”

  The camp had several pairs of clippers that were used to give the cadets buzz cuts.

  “Interesting,” said Josh. He mulled the proposal in a manner he felt was menacing. “No. It’d probably be an improvement. He needs a haircut.”

  “What?” said Niles.

  “Mudflap, how about you? Any ideas?”

  “That’s what I was going to say too,” Mudflap said. “Same thing as my brother.”

  “What’s the point of there being two of you if you just think of all the same stuff?” Josh shook his head. “Twins.”

  (Mudflap’s answer had nothing to do with Splinters being his twin. Mudflap just hadn’t heard Josh’s question, or Splinters’s answer, because he was still thinking of nombuses.)

  “Well,” said Josh, “I have a better idea. We’ll make him swallow rocks.”

  Niles slumped.

  Two years ago—two years ago to the day, actually (it was quite a coincidence!)—Josh Barkin had found Niles reading upside down on some monkey bars in the park. He’d pulled him down onto the tanbark and forced him to swallow a pebble. Then a week later, Josh had tracked Niles down and made him do it again, this time with a slightly bigger rock. Careful readers of this series may remember that these episodes are part of what got Niles interested in pranking to begin with.

  “Mudflap, Splinters, go fetch a bunch of rocks. I’ll stay here and guard the prisoner.”

  Niles hoped Miles made it back to the cabin before the rocks did.

  Chapter

  27

  Past birch and dogwood and incense cedar, past buckthorn and hemlock, cherry and sweet gum, past chestnut, past locust, past willow, past yew, past ash and basswood, past walnut and holly, past pine, past oak, past hickory, Miles Murphy sprinted through the woods.

  Chapter

  28

  Niles stared at a plate full of rocks.

  The plate was on a chair next to his cot.

  He noticed that all three classifications of rock were represented there—igneous, sedimentary, and metamorphic—which is the kind of thing he’d find neat, if he wasn’t going to have to eat them.

  Josh squatted down so that his face loomed behind the rocks. He thought it would make a menacing picture.

  (He wasn’t wrong.)

  “Last chance, nimbus,” said Josh. “Tell me where you stashed our flag, and I’ll let you go.”

  Niles looked toward the door of the cabin.

  Josh laughed.

  “Think your friend is going to come in and save you, nimbus? He’s not. And even if he showed up, we’d have you outnumbered, three to two. We’re bigger than you two. We’re stronger than you two. Plus there’s not even two of you right now, so we’ve really got you beat. Hey: the Terrible One! That’s a pretty good joke!”

  (It was not a good joke.)

  Josh picked up a rock.

  (A bit of slate, a metamorphic rock formed from shale, a sedimentary rock.)

  “Mudflap, Splinters, hold him down.”

  The twins moved toward Niles, Mudflap on the left, Splinters on the right.

  But before they could reach him, Niles did something strange.

  He leaned forward toward the plate, and, using only his lips (remember: His hands were tied behind his back), he picked up a rock.

  Then Niles straightened his back.

  He looked Josh right in the eye.

  And Niles smiled.

  Grinned, really.

  Grinned, holding the rock right between his front teeth.

  What Niles did next was stranger.

  He swallowed the rock.

  “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” said Mudflap.

  “OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” said Splinters.

  Josh didn’t say anything.

  Niles nodded appreciatively and said, “Delicious.”

  “THAT IS SO SO GROSS!” said Mudflap.

  “HE LIKES IT!” said Splinters.

  “IT’S THE GROSSEST THING I’VE EVER SEEN,” said Mudflap. (He thought, but didn’t say, AND MAYBE ALSO THE COOLEST.)

  Niles could feel where the rock had traveled down his esophagus. There was still grit in his mouth. The rock sat in his belly. The rock was not delicious. It was awful. But Niles still smiled. He hoped that if he ate one rock, maybe he wouldn’t be forced to eat them all.

  (He wasn’t wrong.)

  Josh threw the plate against the wall. It smashed, scattering shards and rocks across the barracks’ pine floors.

  “OK, this freak is weird. Mudflap, clean up the plate and the rocks. Splinters, go get the clippers. We’ll shave off his hair.”

  Chapter

  29

  The sun was setting when Miles kicked open the door to the Why-Pees’ cabin.

  He hoped he wasn’t too late.

  “Oh,” Miles said.

  Here’s what he saw:

  It looked like he was a little late.

  “Wow,” said Miles. “Sorry.”

  “Took you long enough,” said Niles.

  “I had to run all the way to the cave!” said Miles.

  “Ha ha!” said Josh. (He actually said “Ha ha!”) “A cave! So you guys have a cave. Probably where you’re keeping my flag!”

  “Our flag,” said Mudflap.

  “Our flag,” said Josh. “Tell me where your cave is! Or I’ll shave the rest of your little friend’s hair off!”

  “Now that you’ve started,” said Niles, “I’d actually prefer it if you shaved the rest of my hair off.”

  “Well,” said Josh. “Then tell me where your cave is or I won’t shave the rest of your little friend’s hair off!”

  Josh brandished the clippers above his head, sort of menacingly.

  “Dude,” said Miles. “I brought your flag. Just let him go.”

  Miles took off his backpack and took out Papa Company’s flag.

  Josh smiled. “A prisoner swap?”

  “I guess,” Miles said. “Man, why do you care about your flag so much?”

  “It’s not the flag, nimbus. It’s winning. You thought you could take something from me. But you can’t. I’m better than you. Stronger than you. Smarter than you. The flag is a symbol. Of winning. I won the prank war.”

  “We won the prank war,” said Splinters.

  “We won the prank war,” said Josh. “Under my leadership. I won. You lost.”

  “J
osh,” Miles said, “this isn’t a prank war. You’re not a prankster. You’re a jerk. You tell someone to walk up close to you, just so you can throw a stick at his head?”

  (Splinters was surprised and embarrassed to know Miles had seen that.)

  “That’s not a prank,” said Miles. “A prank says something. What does throwing sticks say?”

  “It says I’m in charge,” Josh said.

  “Pranks do not belong to the powerful! The prank is too fine an instrument for a brute’s clumsy fingers!”

  Niles smiled.

  “The prank belongs to the powerless! It is the mustache across the dictator’s portrait, the tweak of the tyrant’s nose!”

  Niles smiled even more.

  “What have you added to the sum total of human joy?” Miles asked. “Nothing! You just make people miserable! That’s not a prank. That’s being a jerk. You’re not a prankster. You’re a jerk, Josh Barkin. A bully. Which is why you get pranked. That’s what happens to jerks. You don’t know when to stop. But I do. This is over.”

  He placed the flag down on a cot.

  “So you’re saying you surrender,” said Josh.

  “Yeah, fine. I surrender.”

  “And you, little nimbus?”

  “Sure, Josh,” said Niles. “I surrender.”

  “See that, cadets? That’s how you win. Untie that dork.”

  The twins undid Niles’s ropes.

  Niles stood up.

  “Wait, nimbus,” said Josh.

  He punched Niles in the leg. “I won!”

  “Great, Josh,” said Niles.

  He limped out the door.

  Miles left too.

  The Terrible Two walked up a hill that sat outside the camp.

  “Nice speech,” Niles said.

  “Most of it was just stuff I stole from you,” Miles said.

  “Not that last bit,” said Niles. “And that was the best part.”

  “I don’t think any of it sunk in.”

  “Yeah,” said Niles. “It was still worth trying. But I don’t think speeches ever really do much to change people’s minds. Especially people like Josh.”

  The sun was down, but the sky was still bright. They sat on the hilltop, in a patch of damp grass.

  “Oh,” said Miles. “I have something for you.”

  He reached into his backpack and took out Niles’s book.

  “Where’d you find that?” Niles asked.

  “I ran into Holly,” said Miles. “She wanted me to return it.”

  “Ah,” said Niles. He took his book back. “OK.”

  In the twilight, Miles could see that his friend was blushing.

  “It’s cool, man,” Miles said.

  “Ha ha,” Niles said.

  For a while Miles didn’t say anything, and Niles didn’t say anything.

  For the rest of his life, Niles would remember what this moment sounded like—the noise of the forest coming to life at dusk, and the silence of two best friends sitting on a hill. The summer Niles spent in these woods was a summer he didn’t have to decide who he’d be at school, or who he’d be at home, a perfect summer where Niles could just be Niles—whoever that was. Niles wasn’t sure he knew. But Miles seemed to. When Niles was with Miles, he never had to decide who he would be. In that way, spending time with Miles was like spending time in the woods. And so spending time in the woods with Miles was the best time of all. Niles smiled at the passing thought.

  “Hey.” Miles elbowed his friend in the ribs. “It’s starting.”

  Chapter

  30

  Josh Barkin had a really good idea. His good idea was this: a really cool way to celebrate his recent victory over a couple of dumb nimbuses. And that really cool way was—

  “A parade!” Mudflap said. “We should have a parade!”

  “We’re not having a parade,” Josh said. “This will be even better.”

  There was a tall flagpole at the center of camp. There, the American flag was hoisted at sunrise and taken down at sunset. So now the flagpole was empty, but there was still plenty of light.

  “Come on,” said Josh. “Hurry up, grab the flag.”

  Papa Company gathered at the base of the flagpole.

  “Raise it high,” Josh said.

  This would be Papa Company’s finest hour.

  “Won’t we get in trouble?” Mudflap asked.

  “Can a flag even fly after sunset?” asked Splinters.

  “THAT’S AN ORDER!” Josh PLOPped.

  The twins unfolded the flag. Mudflap fastened it to the rope. Splinters worked the pulley. A fair breeze unfurled the flag against a purple sky. Papa Company’s insignia flew high for all to admire: a white rattlesnake skeleton on a field of pure black.

  Wait.

  Oh boy.

  That was white.

  But it wasn’t a skeleton.

  “PULL IT DOWN!” Josh PLOPped.

  “Oh my gosh,” Mudflap said.

  “PULL IT DOWN!”

  “Whose are those?” Splinters asked.

  “I SAID PULL IT DOWN!”

  “They’re Josh’s!” said Mudflap.

  “They say his name on them!” said Splinters.

  “How’d they get on there?” said Mudflap.

  Then he started to laugh.

  (Once he started laughing, Mudflap didn’t much care how they got on there. But Miles had put them there, of course, after Niles had found them at the bottom of Josh’s duffel bag.)

  “THAT’S AN ORDER!” PLOPped Josh.

  Mudflap and Splinters did not follow Josh’s order.

  They just laughed. The twins laughed so hard they dropped to the ground.

  The commotion attracted the attention of some cadets marching nearby, who altered their route and stared up at the flag.

  Scotty laughed.

  Jackson laughed.

  Darius laughed. (Laughing made him forget how much marching hurt his knees.)

  Josh was as purple as a sunset in summer, a sunset that gave off enough light to clearly read Josh’s name on his drawers.

  “COMPANY, LEAVE!” Josh PLOPped. “THAT IS AN ORDER!”

  Nobody left.

  Mudflap stood up.

  “New order!” said Mudflap. “Major Barkin’s underwear salute!”

  “I give the orders!” said Josh.

  “Hey, that’s an acronym!” said Splinters.

  “I make the acronyms!” said Josh.

  Josh ran through the words again in his head. New Order: Major Barkin’s Underwear Salute.

  “NOMBUS!” said Splinters, and he saluted the flag.

  Mudflap fell back on the ground, saluting the flag.

  All the cadets saluted the flag.

  “Stop that!” said Josh. “Stop saluting!”

  Nobody stopped saluting.

  This was a crisis. Josh Barkin’s command had come under threat. He felt his power slipping away. Josh desperately needed to reestablish control. What could he do? What would his father do? He would turn purple and embarrass himself. What would his grandfather do? He would act, not react. Josh would be like his grandfather.

  Josh Barkin drew himself up to his full height, which was tall.

  He summoned his full voice, which was loud.

  He arranged his face into an expression that was serious and stern.

  Then he said: “Mudflap! Splinters! Pull down my shorts!”

  In that moment, the cadets’ laughter ceased.

  “Sir?” said Mudflap.

  “PULL DOWN MY SHORTS!” shouted Josh. “THAT IS AN ORDER!”

  Mudflap looked at Splinters.

  Splinters looked at Mudflap.

  They smiled and shrugged, and then they pulled down Josh’s shorts.

  It was a full-blown mutiny.

  Chapter

  31

  Careful students of the history of the Barkin family may remember that something very similar had happened to Josh’s grandfather, Bertrand Barkin, and when he had been the very same
age. Niles, still sitting on the hilltop, smiled at the symmetry. Remarkable what skips a generation.

  “Well,” said Miles. (He was sitting on the hilltop too, of course.) “That was unexpected.”

  “What was unexpected?” Niles asked.

  “He pranked himself.”

  “Oh,” said Niles, “I think you can always expect people like Josh to be their own undoing.”

  “Oh come on!” said Miles. “You didn’t know he’d order his own pantsing!”

  “I didn’t know,” said Niles. “But I hoped.”

  Miles looked at Niles’s face. The way he was smiling, it seemed like maybe he had been expecting this. Miles shook his head and turned back to the chaos below.

  “Hey,” said Niles. He was leaning forward now, his arms wrapped around his knees. “How’d you make those shine lines coming off Josh’s underwear?”

  “Oh,” said Miles. “I ripped up one of my old T-shirts.”

  “What!” said Niles. “Which one?”

  “My one from Max’s Market.”

  “But—”

  “It was getting ratty anyway.”

  Niles squinted in the fading light and admired the flag. “It looks cool. Like an Illuminati symbol or something.”

  “Yeah!” said Miles. “But with underwear!”

  “Masterstroke,” said Niles.

  “Oh,” said Miles.

  Coming from Niles, that was a real compliment. And so Miles would remember their time on the hilltop his whole life too.

  Soon enough, it was too dark to see, and the night was getting cold.

  Chapter

  32

  One late August morning, the air was suddenly cool. Sometimes autumn sneaks up early. On a rock near the swimming hole in the woods, the old gray goose lifted his beak to the air. He waggled his neck. He shook out his tail feathers. He waddled, then crouched, then spread out his wings. The goose pushed off the ground and launched himself into the air.

  The goose flapped his wings but stayed low, for a goose. From fifty feet up, he got a good view of the woods. A grove, a lake, a little green glade. A cabin next to a big painted rock.