April 10, 2009
Finally, Lolita’s vet called to say the second tumor was malignant, but he quickly pointed out that it wasn’t the kind of cancer that spreads throughout the body or metastasizes. It will, however, more than likely come back unless Lolita has radiation or a second surgery that’s very invasive. He doesn’t recommend radiation for her because she’s almost nine years old and has Addison’s disease, and radiation wouldn’t necessarily ensure that the tumor won’t come back. He said the second surgery would get all the cells in the surrounding tissue and would give her a better chance of the tumor not recurring. But even that wouldn’t be for sure.
I’m so confused. My instinct is not to put Lolita through this torturous surgery and just start a lot of prayer work for her. My minister says that animals really respond to prayer. She’s been sleeping on the bed again. She can only put her front paws up, and I have to lift her bottom up. I just want to slow down the clock and have her live for many more years, but that wouldn’t be possible even without the tumor. She’s already nine and big dogs like her don’t have such a long life span. I just want it not to be real; a figment of my imagination. By bedtime, I felt beat up and numb with depression. Why am I surrounded by cancer?
April 13, 2009
I cooked Easter dinner for the kids last night: fried chicken, macaroni and cheese, black-eyed peas, and cornbread. Good Texas food. I took some over to Farrah today, and Ryan got her to eat a little. She’s hardly been eating anything.
Farrah was strong enough today to have a meeting with her attorney and business manager, Bernie Francis. When Bernie asked her who she wanted in charge creatively of the documentary, she very clearly said “Ryan” and succinctly explained why. She sat up in bed and said, “Ryan and I have been together so many years and I trust him to know exactly how I think and what I would want creatively.” I was so relieved. At least I know that he will protect her and oversee something that she will be proud of.
Afterward, she, Ryan, and I watched Dominick Dunne’s show, Power, Privilege and Justice, on television, and she was able to watch the entire show before she went to sleep. We had a really nice evening together. I felt encouraged when I left.
April 17, 2009
Tonight Farrah, Ryan, and I were all piled on her bed watching the cut of the documentary that Ryan and I had already seen and that we—and NBC—were disappointed in. Farrah watched the entire thing intently. Afterward, she said very clearly, “You guys have a lot of work to do.” Then she turned over and went to sleep.
April 18, 2009
It’s been a long, stressful week. Farrah signed all the papers that the attorney and business manager needed her to sign so that Ryan can take over creative control of the documentary while she isn’t able to oversee it.
Ryan went to his wrap party tonight, so I told him I’d stay with Farrah. The nurse was there, but it didn’t seem right to leave Farrah alone without one of us. I made her some toast, the kind her dad makes where you put dabs of butter on white bread and put it in the toaster oven. She ate a few bites, but that was all. The doctor ordered IV nutrition for her today and she has it dripping into her twenty-four hours a day. She’s so much thinner now than she was in the hospital; it looks as if I could get my finger and thumb around her arm. She’s so weak that she can barely get up by herself.
I talked to Dr. Piro about it today. He said that if she started to gain a little weight and strength he could start her back on some of the cancer drugs, but at the moment she can’t tolerate anything. It scares me that it could be only a matter of time now. I hope I’m wrong; I hope she hasn’t given up. How could she not at some point? How much suffering can a body go through before all the fight is gone? I think those two surgeries and the liver procedure and the accompanying pain on top of the chemo she’d had here were just too much for her. It doesn’t seem possible that it was almost two years ago that the cancer returned and she made that first trip to Germany. It seems like yesterday that we were all there. It had been such a successful trip, and we left with high hopes that she was going to beat this. And now…
I lay on the bed with her for a long time tonight. She was in and out of sleep, and I just lay there thinking and staring at the muted television screen. Finally, for the first time in weeks, I cried. Not the wracking sobs I feel somewhere deep inside me, just moist, silent tears sliding down my cheeks. The Farrah that I’ve known for so long is no longer there. I’m losing my best friend; in many ways I’ve already lost her. I’m grieving for that loss. How do I accept that we’ll never go shopping again or get manicures or make pecan pies at Christmas? Or commiserate about our children, our men, our little aches and pains? Everything is always so much more fun when she is there.
April 26, 2009
I’m trying to catch up with everything. We met all Friday afternoon with Doug Vaughan, the NBC exec, who flew out from New York for the day, and Sandy Gleysteen, the producer they’ve brought on board to try to pull this mess together. Both Ryan and I liked Doug and Sandy very much and feel like we’re all on the same page, to make something that Farrah will be as proud of as if she’d been able to oversee it herself.
I went over to the apartment yesterday morning to film Redmond coming to visit Farrah. He’s still in jail in the Twin Towers, but they let him come to see his mom for a couple of hours. He was accompanied by two sheriffs, who literally waited inside the door of Farrah’s room while Redmond saw her. They took his handcuffs off so she wouldn’t see them, but his ankles were still shackled. It nearly broke my heart to see him like that. The first couple of times he went into her room she was barely awake, but then later she woke up and was able to talk with him. I didn’t film anything with her, just Redmond lying on the bed with her from a distance in the darkened room. I don’t want to film her anymore like this. It doesn’t feel right. I haven’t filmed anything close on her for a while now. I know she wouldn’t want to be remembered like this, so frail and small and sick.
Ryan and I also filmed an interview with Redmond that we hope to put in the documentary, because he needs to be seen as who he really is: a very sweet, smart kid with a drug problem, not some messed-up criminal. My heart went out to him. How it must feel to see his mother like this and to have to go back to jail. We’re hoping he’ll be transferred to the Impact Program for addicts at Wayside and not sent to prison, which it seems is still a very real possibility. After we filmed, I made him some bacon and scrambled eggs and had a nice talk with him. It’s the first time I’ve seen him sober and clean in so long. It was bizarre, because the lady sheriff stayed in the small kitchen with us, and actually we all ended up having a really good conversation. She told him it was up to him now to change his life. I’m sure that’s what everyone says, but it was interesting coming from her. She seemed to have a real understanding of drug addiction and was surprisingly compassionate. Funny, as she stood there in her brown uniform, her arms crossed and her gun at her side.
April 27, 2009
I went over to Farrah’s. Ryan was there. We were lying on the bed, and when I said I needed to go home to feed my dogs, she said, so clearly, “Do you have to go? This is so much fun.”
I said, “No, I don’t have to go. I’ll stay.” I got her to eat a few bites of food, but not much. She said, again, “This is fun.” I wonder if she’s remembering the fun we used to have, the good times. Farrah was more awake and alert than I’ve seen her in quite a while. Then she started to feel some pain and asked for her pain medication and was soon sleeping. Sweet dreams, honey.
April 30, 2009
Everything is moving really quickly. I’m feeling scared and overwhelmed with all the work in front of us. Ryan and I have to do the Today show on Monday, satellite interviews, People magazine, and this screening at the Paley Center. It’s all happened at once and I’m terrified. It all seems surreal, the documentary coming out when Farrah is so ill. It feels like maybe it’s disrespectful of her condition, but I guess at this point we can’t stop it. NBC had
already committed to an air date. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. The story was meant to have a different ending. Farrah should be doing the Today show, not me and Ryan.
May 1, 2009
I went to see Farrah tonight. She was more awake and coherent for a little while. She smiled when she saw me. I told her how much I missed her the last two days and that the reason I hadn’t come was because I was sick. I told her I’d made macaroni and cheese and chicken matzo ball soup, and she lit up. I also told her Dr. Jacob was coming with this new antibody and that she had to keep her faith. She took my hand and said, “Maybe this will turn everything around.” I lay with her for a while after she had her pain medication and read to her from Science and Health, the Christian Science book by Mary Baker Eddy. I read her a couple of prayers, which she liked, and then some stories of healing that people had experienced from just reading the book. She listened and seemed to really like it. I’m going to try to do that every day now. I’m starting to just see her in God’s light and love and believe that there can be a miracle. I can’t see her as dying, no matter what the medical world says. I realized that I, of all people, can’t give up on her yet. Maybe I’m in denial, but I have to practice this new belief that I’m reading about, the power of God to do what might to human eyes seem impossible.
May 7, 2009
Ryan and I got the cut of the show and watched it at my house because it wouldn’t work in any of Farrah’s machines. We both thought it was pretty good, and we made notes, but nothing major. Afterward, we went back to Farrah’s. I made her a grilled cheese sandwich, which she ate a few bites of, and she drank some tea. Ryan and I hung out on the bed with her for a while. He’s so sweet and gentle with her. She seemed a little more like Farrah than usual. She even made sense until she got her next injection of pain medication, and then she wanted to know “where her dogs were.” An interesting question since she doesn’t have any, bless her heart. She went off to sleep and I went home.
May 13, 2009
Tonight was the premiere of Farrah’s Story at the Paley Center in Beverly Hills. I felt like pinching myself; everything has been happening so fast and furiously. Doug Vaughan introduced me, and I made a short speech introducing the documentary. I was nervous about what the reaction would be, but I was completely blown away by the response. Many people in the audience literally cried all through the film, and afterward everyone was raving about it.
I was incredibly proud to be a part of it, but I almost felt like I didn’t deserve the praise I was getting. I wanted to say, “But all I really did was hold the camera.” I almost can’t believe that I actually shot most of this film. But the person who really deserves the credit is Sandy Gleysteen for working so tirelessly to pull it together in time, as well as Ryan for his creative input. And most of all Farrah, for being willing to share her journey and her courage. She’s such an inspiration and has touched people so profoundly. I can’t believe it all started with her filming her doctors that day at UCLA when they told her the cancer had come back. And then she handed the camera to me in Germany and asked me to film. Who would have thought it would turn into this? All that was sadly missing was Farrah. This was really her evening.
May 15, 2009
We watched the documentary at Farrah’s last night, just Ryan, Farrah, and me. She really liked it. She said that she thought we did a great job. She wasn’t very comfortable, but she made it through the entire thing. I have to say, seeing it again, that it’s really an amazing show, and so well done. Dr. Piro came over to watch the end of it with us.
After it was over, I asked her, “So, did you really like it?”
She answered very clearly, “I liked it very, very, very, very, very much.”
God, was I relieved. Then I asked, jokingly, “So you’re still speaking to me after seeing the bald shot?”
She said again that she liked it and thought we’d done a great job. I’d really been sweating that one, just in case she wouldn’t have wanted it in, but I think she sees how powerful and how honest it was. Dr. Piro echoed what Sandy had said earlier, that it was extremely important for any woman who had ever lost her hair to chemo to see Farrah show such courage and power over losing probably the most famous head of hair in the world. And instead of being a victim, she had shaved it herself rather than wait for the chemo to take it.
Today, I’m so tired. It’s more brain tired than physically tired. I’m feeling overwhelmed by all the phone calls and e-mails, but I guess I should be happy.
They were the golden couple.
When they walked into a room, you just knew it from the looks on everyone’s faces. The whole room would brighten up the minute they arrived. No matter what the party was—whether it was just sitting around the house and having drinks or a black tie New Year’s Eve party—it was always more fun with them there.
This photo was taken at the party I threw for Farrah’s birthday on February 2, 1991. They were always a great combination. He told stories and held court, while she was ever the willing and enthusiastic audience. Farrah played off him and they’d banter back and forth.
They had their ups and downs—there’s no denying that. But sometimes you feel like two people are made for each other, and that’s how I always felt about them. Through all their struggles they were there for each other, this perfect match that seemed like they’d been through everything together twice.
KEEPING THE FAITH
May 17, 2009
Melanie Griffith has called me about this man named Howard Wills, who apparently has done amazing healings on people. He’s in town from Hawaii, where he lives, and she urged me to get in touch with him and have him see Farrah. The first time she called, I honestly thought, “I can’t deal with one more healer who doesn’t end up healing.” Finally, this morning I decided to call him, and while I was speaking to him, I got chills and started to cry. There was something very powerful about his voice, with his distinctly southern accent, that convinced me to give it a try. I made arrangements to pick him up where he was staying, which happened to be two blocks away from Farrah’s apartment. I also asked Ryan if he was okay with it, which he was.
Howard was waiting downstairs when I drove up. I knew it had to be him. He was tall, with long gray hair pulled back in a ponytail, piercing blue eyes, and was dressed totally in white. He looked rather ageless, but I guessed him to be in his late forties or early fifties. We drove to Farrah’s and I took him upstairs. She was sleeping soundly, and the nurse said she’d been in pain, so she had just given her some pain medication. Howard said he would just sit in the chair across the room and do his work. Farrah slept, while he just gazed steadily at her for what seemed about an hour. I lay down on the bed beside her. I figured I might as well soak up some healing rays in the process.
When he was done with whatever it was he was doing, he stood up and we left the room. I told him I hadn’t been feeling so great the last few days, and he said, “Just stand there and tell me what you feel.” He stood a few feet away from me with his right arm outstretched and his right hand pointed toward me, and sort of rocked back and forth with his eyes closed. I felt as if there was an electrical current going through my body. “Smell your skin,” he instructed me. “What do you smell?”
“It smells like a magnet,” I said.
“You’ll feel better now,” he said. I offered to drive him back to his hotel, but he said he’d walk, and that he’d come back tomorrow if I wanted him to. After he left, I noticed that I felt much better: calmer and clearer.
May 18, 2009
It was all surreal. Last night I got a call from NBC asking if I would do the Today show at seven thirty Eastern, which would mean that I’d have to go on the air at four thirty our time. I was incredulous, but I agreed to do it, in spite of the fact that today is my birthday.
We arrived at the NBC studios at 2:30 A.M. Farrah’s longtime friend and makeup artist, Mela, did my makeup and hair, and I was ready to go on live at four fifteen. Ryan had agreed to do i
t from home in Malibu by phone. From his bed. Lucky him! They asked me to do MSNBC afterward, so I did a quick live interview, then got into the car, went to the CBS studios, and did ET and The Insider. I was home by eight o’clock. I took two Ativan and tried to sleep, somewhat successfully, in between the doorbell ringing and the dogs barking.
I woke up and hurriedly pulled myself together to go to Sandy Gallin’s house for my birthday dinner. I hadn’t planned to do anything other than have dinner with my kids, but Sandy sweetly offered to have a few friends over for me at the last minute. Lowell, Sandy’s cook, made all my southern favorites: fried chicken, turnip greens, macaroni and cheese, corn pudding, coleslaw, barbecue ribs, and, for dessert, besides a fabulous chocolate birthday cake, there was banana pudding, peach cobbler, and blueberry crumble. He packed a bag full of food for us to take back to Farrah. Ryan came, and all of our friends came up and told us how much they loved the documentary. But I felt like there was a big hole in my heart because Farrah wasn’t there.
Besides a dozen or so of my friends, all my kids, Ashley, Sean, and Kimberly, showed up. I was really moved; spending an evening with the “old folks” probably isn’t the most fun thing in the world. I got some lovely birthday presents, but the most special was the birthday card from my daughter. It read,
Dearest Mom,
I cannot thank you enough for letting me stay here. You mean so much to me, and the more time I spend with you, the more I respect and love you. I feel bad every day that we went so long not being close. Hopefully, we are making up for lost time. Happy b-day, and I will miss you so much. Who will scratch my back and keep me on a spiritual path in London?
Love you loads,
Kim
This healing of my relationship with my daughter is such a wonderful gift that I owe to Farrah. This experience with her has made me a more open, unconditionally loving and patient person, and I believe that has helped to heal the breach between me and my daughter.
My Journey with Farrah Page 17