May 20, 2009
Last night I watched the Lakers game with Ryan and Farrah. She was much more alert and talkative. I started to have hope again. I know I keep saying it, but I don’t know how else to describe it: it feels like I’m riding a roller coaster. One day down, next day up.
Tonight I went over to Farrah’s to meet Howard. Farrah didn’t even know Howard was there. He just sat in the corner for a long time and silently prayed. I lay on the bed beside her and fell asleep. After he left, she woke up, and I told her he’d been coming to see her and praying for her.
“Is it okay if he comes back tomorrow?” I asked her.
“Yes, please,” she whispered. I kissed her goodnight and left.
May 21, 2009
We had such an amazing experience this afternoon. Howard came over to Farrah’s again. Ryan and I sat in the living room with him for a few minutes. I was nervous about how Ryan would receive him, but surprisingly, he was really comfortable with him. Howard told us about some of the people he had healed. He said it was all about God working through him, and how important it was to love Farrah. “You just have to love her, and be positive, and believe she can get well,” he told Ryan. “The words you speak are very powerful,” he added. “I can do that,” Ryan said enthusiastically.
I asked Howard if he’d ever healed people with addictions. He said people use drugs to numb their pain, and that the pain comes not only from the present day but from their lineage, and that he healed the entire family through the previous generations. I told him my mother had been a drug addict, that my two sons had suffered from addiction, and that I had ongoing health problems. He led me through a prayer about healing and forgiving my mother and asking her to forgive me. I started to cry during it. I cried even harder when he did the same process for my children. Afterward I felt so light and free, like a terrible burden had been lifted from me psychically.
What really surprised me was Ryan’s response—he was so sweet and compassionate, I didn’t feel at all uncomfortable crying in front of him. I somehow felt like the whole experience made us even closer. I feel like we’ve bonded in our love and concern for Farrah and that we’re all very much like a family.
Then we took Howard into Farrah’s room. She wasn’t aware that he was there at first. She was feeling terrible. She threw up several times and was in a lot of pain. I lay on the bed with her while Howard sat in the chair in the corner. Then Ryan brought Howard over to Farrah and introduced him. She kind of perked up with interest and actually began talking softly with him. She said her knee hurt and I asked him if he could work on it. He stood a couple of feet away and held out his hand toward her knee, and after a minute he asked her, “How does it feel now?” “Better,” she said. He asked, “Where else do you have pain?” She pointed to her abdomen. Again he held out his hand, this time toward her stomach. After a minute, he asked how she felt, and she said, “Much better. My body feels so relaxed.”
“He worked on Ryan, too,” I told her.
“I wondered why he was so quiet,” she teased.
I laughed. The old Farrah humor was back.
“He’s working on Redmond, too, honey.”
“Can you help him?” she asked Howard.
“Yes, I certainly can,” he answered. “I’m going to work on all of you, and you’re going to get better. I want you to believe that. You can get well and be healthy again.”
I thought it was time for me to leave them alone, so I kissed her good-bye and said I was going to feed the dogs.
“I can’t thank you enough,” she said softly.
“Just get well. That’s all I want,” I said. I kissed her again and left the room.
Ryan was on the terrace talking with Howard’s wife, a pretty, hippie-looking young woman named Ahava. I talked to them for a few minutes and then left for home and my doggies. I felt like something very special had happened this evening. I so very much want to believe that Farrah can get well. I don’t know how it could happen, but I feel like with God, anything is possible.
May 23, 2009
I met Howard at Farrah’s this afternoon. She seemed genuinely glad to see him. She is clearly stronger, especially her voice. I let them talk alone until Dr. Piro arrived to see how she was doing. He felt she was doing much better, too, although he probably thinks it has more to do with the antibiotics than the healing work. I know in my heart that Howard is doing something miraculous. I believe he is actually helping to heal their whole family dynamic, which I’m sure has a lot to do with anyone getting sick. I know that for me it has played a huge part in my health. When Ashley or Sean was drinking or using drugs and I was fearing for their lives, I was a wreck physically. That kind of stress and the hopelessness that accompanies it is devastating to a mother. Marianne Williamson once told me an old saying: “You are only as happy as your least happy child.” I know that for me it’s true and I know it’s true for Farrah. She loves Redmond so much, and to see him struggling with drug addiction has been a huge emotional and, I believe, physical trauma for her. I think Howard is helping her let go of a lot of emotional baggage and that perhaps she can be free to heal now.
I also see a huge difference in Ryan. I think he really gets from Howard how important it is to be loving and positive with Farrah and he’s doing it. One thing I do know: no matter what the ups and downs have been, this man loves her with all his heart. I feel different as well. I feel this tremendous love for her when I’m around her. Not that I didn’t always love her, but this is different somehow. It seems to fill my complete being, and it’s not just with her. It’s with everyone and everything. Of course, I have my doubts. Can this man or anything else really heal all these tumors that have taken over her body? Is this too good to be true? I try not to entertain these thoughts and get back to my faith. I can’t afford to hold on to any negative thoughts or feelings, especially now.
May 25, 2009
I went over to Farrah’s around seven thirty. She was awake, but not very happy. Ryan was his usual loud, energetic self, asking her if she wanted to go out on the terrace in the wheelchair, or watch a Dominick Dunne murder mystery, or have some barbecue chicken and mashed potatoes. She opted out of all three, so he turned his attention to helping the two nurses attempt to put together the bed bars to keep her from getting out of bed and falling. She kept moaning softly like she was really uncomfortable.
Shortly after I got there, Howard arrived and came into her room. She seemed to brighten when she saw him. I told him I had brought over the coconut oil he’d asked me to get, so he showed Ryan how to rub it in very gently onto her back and down her spine. Howard took some of the oil, warmed it in his hands, and gently began rubbing her arms, talking to her all the while in his southern drawl. She was answering him very lucidly in a much stronger voice than she’s had for ages. He had her move her arms around and stretch them and she did it, making punching motions. We were astonished, especially since she’s hardly been able to raise food to her mouth.
Then he stood over her and raised his hands and started that strange rocking motion with his head while looking upward. After several minutes, he asked, “How do you feel?”
“Much better,” she said.
“You see,” he said. “You’re getting well. You’ll be playing tennis in no time.”
“Do you really think that could happen?” she asked.
“Without a doubt,” he answered firmly.
He continued rubbing oil on her while we talked about Texas and chicken-fried steak and turnip greens. I said I would make some this week and bring it over for all of us.
He said good-bye to her, and as he left the room, I leaned over to kiss her good-bye as well. “I love you, honey,” she said softly, looking rather exhausted by this point.
“I love you very much,” I said.
She kind of grimaced, and when I asked her what was wrong, she said, “I’m a little nauseous.”
“Shall I call Howard?” I asked.
She held her h
and up and begged, “No…please!” She clearly meant she’d had enough for one night! Healing can be exhausting.
May 28, 2009
I went to the gynecologist at UCLA for my Pap smear. The last one in Germany was inconclusive. I get so nervous each time I have to have one now. I remember always admonishing Farrah in the years before she got cancer that she needed to slow down and take care of herself. She was always putting everyone else first and not taking time to rest and recuperate from stressful periods. She went through such a painful and exhausting time when her mother was dying in Texas. She practically lived in her hospital room for several months taking care of her. She ignored what should have been danger signals about her own health, and eventually she was diagnosed with cancer.
Now I feel like I’m doing the same thing. I guess that’s exactly what Howard is talking about. I feel like I haven’t been able to take any time for myself in too long. But how can I? There’s always so much in front of me to do. I feel like I desperately need a week’s vacation, but I can’t do it now. I can’t go away and leave Farrah for a week. I’m doing exactly what I was always fussing at her for doing, pushing myself unmercifully. But I don’t know how to stop.
I stopped by Farrah’s on the way home. Ryan had just arrived and we went in to see her. She wasn’t feeling so well. I asked her if it was all right if Howard came by later and she said it was.
“I’ll be back later,” I said.
“Are you leaving?” she asked.
“Yes, unless you don’t want me to,” I answered with a smile.
“I don’t want you to,” she said, smiling back.
“Okay, I’ll stay then,” I said. “Shall I make you some watermelon juice, like we had on our vacation in Mexico?” I thought the memory of that happy time would lift her spirits.
“Maybe just some watermelon…,” she answered with a feeble smile. “But I think I’ll have it later. Maybe I’ll sleep now.” Her eyes started to close. I kissed her gently on the forehead and quietly left the room.
When Howard came by, he showed Ryan how to do the kind of healing work he’d been doing on Farrah. He whispered to Ryan some thoughts he should hold in his head and his heart as he was doing it, and as Ryan held his hands close to Farrah, tears started to roll down his face. Farrah was completely present in the moment with him. He leaned down very close to her and spoke to her gently, asking her forgiveness, and she put her arms out and held him close. I was crying as well, watching this exchange that was more powerful than any love scene in a movie, because it was real.
It’s clear that these two people love each other with a love that is very deep, very special, and lasting beyond life and death. I feel like there has been an incredible healing between the two of them and that it includes Redmond as well. If only God will grant her a miracle and she can recover so that she can fully enjoy this healing of her family.
June 4, 2009
I’m on pins and needles waiting for Ryan to call. Dr. Piro is supposed to give us the results of Farrah’s CT scan yesterday. They took her to the hospital by private ambulance so Dr. Piro could do the scan and she could have a blood transfusion. He wants to keep her there a couple of days and try to build her up a little. I was kind of pissed off last night that the scan was done in the early afternoon and somehow the radiologist left before he and Dr. Piro could talk. Here we are, waiting nervously to find out these important results, which are available as soon as the scan is done, and it somehow falls through the cracks. Things like this drive me crazy. I woke up at five this morning, so stressed thinking about it that I couldn’t go back to sleep. When I left the hospital last night, Farrah seemed so fragile. I couldn’t get it out of my mind.
Ryan just called in tears. The scans are terrible, he said. The cancer is rampant in her liver and she has fluid in her lungs and a bacterial infection. How much can she withstand?
I’m calling the doctor now. I’m in shock. I was so hoping that Howard had brought a miracle with him. There was so much healing going on in every other way, except in her poor body, apparently. I want to cry my eyes out, but I can’t yet. I have to get dressed and go see her. I have to think if there’s something else we can do. I won’t give up until I have to. How can this happen in this way? She’s seemed so much more present and alert lately. She’s been so funny. Last night I called the nurse to see if Farrah wanted any Mexican food, because I was going to stop at El Cholo, our favorite Mexican restaurant, near the hospital. I didn’t expect her to want anything, but I asked anyway.
“Alana’s going to El Cholo,” the nurse told her. “She wants to know if you want anything.”
In the background I heard Farrah say, very matter-of-factly, “Alana knows what I want.” Of course I did. I knew she would want a ground beef enchilada, a ground beef taco, and a green corn tamale. I got enough Mexican food for an army. She only ate a few bites, but she loved it. Our friend Mela arrived, and we had a little girls’ night in her room.
I said, “I started to bring margaritas.”
Farrah immediately said, “Why didn’t you?”
Yesterday afternoon, Ryan had gotten her into the wheelchair for the first time and taken her out on the balcony for a few minutes. They called me from there, and she left me a voice mail message in her weak little voice. “I love you very much. I love you very much,” she said. I got all teary when I heard it. I’ll save that message forever if I can figure out how.
I went over later, and the two of them were so funny together. I asked the nurse why Farrah’s knee was still so sore. She’d fallen and cut it several weeks ago and had a lot of stitches, but it didn’t seem to be healing. Farrah said dryly, “Ryan ran into me with the wheelchair.” We all had a good laugh. It was another “bacon sandwich” moment. Mela came over and we all lay on the bed with Farrah and talked. Howard arrived and did some of his healing work with her alone. I finally left, feeling really hopeful, around ten.
And now? I don’t know what to do. I feel like I should be able to do something. I should be able to save her: find someone, find a cure, call Dr. Jacob, get her back here, something! Another healer? I feel desperate. I feel like I’m failing my friend. I can’t just do nothing. There has to be more. There has to be something we haven’t tried. There has to be that miracle that we always talked about. Doesn’t there?
Maybe there comes a time when there is nothing more to do…I don’t know.
June 5, 2009
I spoke to Dr. Piro today. It’s not quite as bad as Ryan’s interpretation. He explained that the cancer has advanced somewhat, but that the pressing problem now is the fluid in her abdomen and lungs and the infection that still hasn’t cleared up. The newest development is that the port is infected, and they have to surgically remove it this afternoon and put something temporary in its place until the infection heals. He doesn’t feel any of these things are life threatening. It’s rather a matter of taking care of each of them in the hospital, and hopefully, she’ll be home early next week. He doesn’t see anything horrible happening in the very near future, but it all seems to be piling up.
Howard has been calling to find out the results. I told him about everything and said we were all very disappointed. I guess we’d expected this miracle healing. I asked him why Farrah hadn’t had an instantaneous healing, like so many others had experienced from his work. He said, “Sometimes these things take time. She’s been going through a lot for a long time and it’s taken its toll on her. The work I’ve been doing with her has helped her to release a lot of old stuff. Her spirit has to heal and her body will follow. Don’t give up, no matter what the doctors and the tests say. Just love her and get her to eat and build back her strength, and don’t give up.”
I am not giving up, but in my heart I wonder if it’s still possible for her to rally one more time. She’s a far cry right now from the strong, resilient, fighting Farrah who always bounced back no matter what. I feel sad, but not hopeless. I know there has been a tremendous spiritual healing with Farra
h and with Ryan, and I believe even Redmond, although he’s not here. I can’t give up believing there can still be a miracle, even in the face of what seems to be grim reality. I worry about Ryan and Redmond if the worst happens. I know they’ll be devastated. We all will. But after all, she’s Red’s mom and has been Ryan’s love for over thirty years. I’ll be there for them in any way I can. I feel like we’ve all become family now, bonded together in loving Farrah.
June 7, 2009
I went to the hospital yesterday. Ryan had been there for several hours. She had another surgery yesterday to remove the port. She was very weak and still, barely able to speak from all the medications. I held her hand and stroked her head. I’ve noticed that her hair is growing back nicely, and that seems like a good sign. Ryan stood at the foot of her bed. “Are you comfortable?” he asked. She couldn’t manage to get any words out, but she laughed. Just a tiny little smile/laugh that said, “Comfortable? Are you crazy? Do I look comfortable?” We all laughed with her. She still has her sense of humor.
June 8, 2009
Mimmo called this morning. He calls once a week and asks how I am, how is Farrah, how are my dogs, Lolita and Bliss, etc., etc., etc. I told him as well as I could, since I haven’t been practicing my Italian anymore, that I returned his call the other day, and when the machine at his home answered, it said something like “You have reached Mimmo and Nina…” I hung up without leaving a message, but it struck me that she’s obviously living with him. He said that she stays there a lot and something about her cell phone not working. I felt like maybe it was finally time to just close this door.
“You have a girlfriend,” I said. “We won’t be seeing each other again, so I don’t see any reason for you to continue to call me.”
“But aren’t we friends?” he replied. I wanted to say, “No, you jerk. You have a girlfriend, and I’m not interested in having another friend. And I don’t like the way you handled things between us.” But instead I simply explained that our romance was over, he had a new amore, and I didn’t see any reason for us to keep talking. He was very taken aback, but finally accepted it. He said, “Ciao,” and so did I, and we hung up.
My Journey with Farrah Page 18