Almost Straight

by Justice Serai

  At this point, I knew I wouldn’t get far by protesting, by accusing the school of injustice, or by making any logical points. The cards were stacked against me. As long as I identified as one of them, it always would be.

  Disheartened and defeated, I nodded. Then I took my pass (aka bribe), and walked out of the office. Liv was standing there, shaking her head and clucking her tongue at me. Mrs. Peterson threw a pass at her then waved us away without another word.

  “Could’ve been worse,” Liv mumbled as we headed to the hallway.

  Yeah. She could’ve called my parents.

  ***

  The day dragged on. By third period, I’d heard my name whispered twenty two times. I was counting. My mind hazed over after that. As hope dwindled, anger did too. Righteous anger only worked when there was a chance for change.

  I was not in the mood to meet Gabby in the bathroom after school. So not in the mood. But I was worried she’d tell my parents if I didn’t catch her first, explain things, make her promise not to by threat of death.

  In the bathroom, Gabby leaned against the sink with her arms crossed, already glaring. She looked at Liv. “Does she have to be here? Can you be separated for even one minute?”

  I glared back. “She’s my ride. How are you getting home, anyway? The buses left.”

  She shrugged.

  “What? Is Jesus gonna give you a ride?” I sneered. Admittedly, not my best moment.

  “Audrey...” Liv said in warning, putting a hand on my arm. “I’ll give her a ride.”

  Bristling, Gabby lifted her chin. “I can walk. I don’t need your help.”

  She didn’t live far but in the cold? That was gonna suck. Maybe I felt a little bad but this was her idea. She could accept me and move with the times or be stuck in the past and lose our friendship.

  Turning her glare on Liv, she said, “Can I talk to my friend alone now please?”

  Liv put her hands up in a peaceful gesture and backed away.

  Once she was gone, I sighed. “I don’t want to fight, Gabby. But I’m not gonna stand here and listen to you talk about hell and salvation and Liv when you have no idea –”

  She burst into tears.

  Whoa. Wasn’t expecting that.

  “I thought I was your best friend,” she said between sobs. “We’ve been friends since kindergarten. Now you’re a lesbian and you didn’t even tell me! Britta Anders found out before I did. Do you know how much of an idiot I looked like on the bus when everyone knew and I didn’t? I’m supposed to be your best friend. Me! Not her!”

  Oh god. The betrayed look on her face felt like a knife to the chest. “I’m so sorry, Gabby.” I grabbed her in a hug. “I’m sorry. I didn’t think of that. I didn’t hide it on purpose or anything. And I didn’t even know I was a lesbian...”

  Crap.

  “I mean... I’m not a lesbian.” I let her go and stepped back. “I’m not a lesbian. I still like guys.”

  She wiped her eyes. “But you and Liv...”

  “I think...” I sighed. Did I really have to do this? Right now? “I think I might be bisexual.”

  “Oh.” She stopped crying suddenly. “Oh. Well that’s not so bad. I mean, you can still marry a guy and be okay with God.”

  I should’ve laughed. It was ridiculous – my head knew that. But it set me on edge and my resolve fell away. There was some truth there. I mean, I couldn’t really stay with Liv forever, could I?

  “Yes,” I agreed, but hated it. “I could still be normal. But for now, I want to be with Liv because she makes me happy. Can you be okay with that? For the sake of our friendship?”

  She frowned. “I think you might be having an identity crisis. It’s totally normal for your age.”

  I snorted. We were the same age.

  “But...” Biting her lip, she furrowed her brow. “I won’t let this get between us. I love you too much.”

  We hugged again. I couldn’t believe how much better I felt clearing the air with her. I didn’t have to hide Liv, or feel like I was sneaking around behind Gabby’s back.

  “And I’m still going to pray for you.”

  “Okay.” I chuckled. One step at a time.

  “Is it safe to come back in now?” Liv yelled from outside the bathroom.

  “Yes,” Gabby answered. She straightened her hair and wiped her eyes again. When Liv entered, Gabby grabbed her in a hug. Liv froze in place, eyeing me.

  I shrugged.

  “I’m sorry for being mean,” Gabby said to Liv. She pulled away but still gripped her upper arms. “And I forgive you for corrupting my best friend. It’s not your fault you haven’t found God yet.”

  Liv stared, eyes wide. “Uhh.”

  “Oh!” Smiling, Gabby turned to me. “You should talk to Tay I think she feels left out.”

  On the ride home with Liv and Gabby in the car, I texted Taylor. I apologized for ignoring her and making it feel like I might’ve replaced her. She texted back it was no big deal but I suspected differently. Still, she seemed happy with the promise I’d pay more attention to our friendship. She was also glad I’d finally admitted I liked Liv as more than a friend and said “she was cool with it.”

  “I know you guys are like, all new and in love,” Gabby said, sitting forward when we reached her house. “But you should lay low. Word spreads fast.”

  I looked at Liv, remembering the talk with Mrs. Peterson. Gabby was right. “Yeah. I was thinking the same thing.”

  “People here aren’t ready for this.” Liv sighed. “Seattle was so much better.”

  We dropped Gabby off then went to my house to pick up a book I’d forgotten that morning. We both had history homework and, though we were in two different classes, we’d promised each other we’d work today, not make out. I’d crossed my fingers when I’d said it.

  “Hello?” I shouted when I walked into the house. The door had been locked, which caught me off guard. Usually, my mom was home after school.

  Nobody answered.

  “Mom?” I went to the kitchen, where she’d normally be starting dinner but it was empty. There was a note on the counter, written with a pink pen on flowery stationary.

  Audrey,

  We went to Ben’s hockey team parents meeting. Be back around dinnertime. I’ll bring home take-out.

  Mom

  I smiled when Liv walked in. We had the place to ourselves.

  Chapter 13

  “Hmm.” Liv stalked toward me, cornering me against the kitchen counter. “Study or make out? What should we do?”

  Breathless, I answered, “Make out.”

  She placed her hands on the counter on either side of me, trapping me against it. “You’re bad.” Laughing, she leaned in, so close I could feel the warmth of her against my skin. It made me want to strip, to feel her bare skin against mine. I yearned for that intimacy, but was it too soon? I wanted it but it scared me at the same time. I’d never done more than kiss a guy before. That Liv was a girl didn’t make me less nervous.

  “Kiss me,” I whispered.

  She pulled away. “We should study.”

  “Quit being a tease!”

  “You’re impatient for a straight girl.”

  I glared. She laughed.

  “Mean!”

  Her gaze went to the sink then back to me. Eyes gleaming, she grabbed the sprayer, pushed the water on then squirted the front of my shirt with water.

  Gasping, I looked down at my t-shirt, soaked and clinging to my skin. “Bitch!”

  She cackled. “Serves you right. That was revenge for pouring iced tea down my shirt.”

  “I didn’t pour it!”

  “Yes, you did. You just wanted to see me topless. Don’t deny it.”

  I whipped my shirt over my head. “I am so gonna kill you.”

  Her gaze dipped down my body and she waggled her brows. “Mmm. I’m sorry, what? Were you talking?”

  I lunged at her and she dodged away. Laughing, I chased her through the house. At the living room couch,
she stopped, daring me to tackle her onto it. I did. We fell back, giggling, me landing on top of her.

  Her eyes went to my chest, where my breasts spilled out of my bra. I struggled to get up and fix myself but she stopped me.

  “I have to straighten myself,” I complained.

  She chuckled. “No. Really you don’t.”

  “My boobs are falling out!”

  “I have no use for you straight so stay crooked.” She winked.

  “Har har. That’s not what I meant.”

  She nuzzled her nose against mine. “You’re so cute when you think you’re straight.”

  Though I grumbled and glared, I couldn’t be mad at her. My crisis was slowly subsiding, to the point that I didn’t really care what she called me. Bi, straight, almost straight, bi for her... What did it matter? The future was too uncertain. Once I was married – to a guy – I’d be straight again and no one would know the difference.

  The moment dampened as sadness filled me. I didn’t want to lose Liv, but was doing the traditional marriage thing inevitable? A girl fling in high school could be forgiven – like experimenting with pot or binge drinking at parties. A phase you got over after your wild years. But thinking about never tasting Liv’s lips again, or touching her soft hair made my eyes water.

  Liv stroked her fingers up my bare skin, pulling my attention. Goosebumps pimpled on my skin. That electric current sparked and connected us in a way I couldn’t explain. She bit her lip as she ran her fingertips over my back, then my ribs. She skipped over my breasts and touched just above them instead.

  A moan escaped me. My whole body tingled with heat and my stomach erupted with flutters. How could she make me feel so good with just her fingers on my skin? What else could she do that would make me feel even better? Already, being with her was ten times better than any guy I’d dated. And she was a girl and lacked certain...parts. What would girl sex be like anyway? If I was braver, I’d Google it, but my cheeks heated just thinking about it.

  A car door slammed in the driveway.

  “Shit!” We both jumped up. I dashed into the kitchen and pulled my shirt on. When I realized it was wet, I grabbed my coat from the hook and zipped it up. Back against the counter, eyes wide, I waited for the door to open.

  Liv stood next to me, more relaxed. She slung her bag over her shoulder. “Pretend we just got here and were about to study upstairs.”

  I nodded, but my heart was beating furiously.

  The door opened and my mom walked in. “Hey, sweetheart.”

  “Hi,” I said, too high-pitched. I cursed under my breath then toned it down. “Hey. We just got here. We’re going up to study.”

  “Okay. The meeting ended a little early so I have time to cook dinner instead of take-out.” She looked at Liv. “Do you want to stay?”

  “Um.” She smiled winningly. “No, thanks Mrs. Lucas. My mom wants me home for dinner tonight.”

  “I understand completely.”

  I wondered if that was a lie. We escaped upstairs, trying to hold in our laughter at the close call. Though it wasn’t really funny. God, if my mom ever found out... I’d be dead.

  Liv plopped down onto my bed. After almost getting caught, I kept my distance until the adrenaline wore off.

  “Don’t ever tell them,” she said.

  Ever? Ever was a long time. The sudden change in mood threw me off. I sighed. “I wish I could be free like you are. Maybe if society was different...”

  “There’s more to freedom than equal rights...or society.” She hooked her arms behind her head and leaned back. “It’s also about what you choose for yourself. How you choose to view yourself, how you live, what you give meaning to, what you ignore... You can set yourself free.”

  “But it’s not really free if it comes at a cost.”

  “Everything does. This is no different.”

  But it was different.

  “Look,” she said, placing her hands on her thighs as she leaned forward. “I could do something simple and stupid like dye my hair blue. People would look at me weird. They’d wonder if I liked attention. I might not get a job as easily. That’s a price I’d have to pay.”

  “You could choose normal.”

  “That comes at a cost too.”

  “Like what?” Liv should’ve understood this more than anybody. “You wouldn’t lose your family if you chose normal.”

  “No.” She gave me a stark look. “I’d lose myself.”

  Chapter 14

  There was a sign hanging on my locker when I got to school. My stomach sunk as cold dread slithered through me. I knew it’d be bad. From a distance, before I could even see the words, I knew in my gut it had to do with me and Liv.

  “Crap,” I said.

  Gabby saw it and sighed. “I’ll take it down before you see it.”

  “No. It’s okay. I can handle it.” After a deep breath, I read the scribbled note.

  God hates fags. Go to hell, lesbo.

  Figured. We were in the Bible Belt after all.

  Taylor appeared, looking like she’d just dragged herself out of bed. Before saying a word, her gaze fell to the paper in my hand. “Oh. You got my note.”

  “Very funny.” I crumpled it up in my fist. “How does it feel to be friends with the most hated girl in school?”

  She shrugged. “Hungry. I didn’t eat breakfast.”

  Gabby’s brow furrowed. “We should tell Principle Locke.”

  I hadn’t told them about my trip to the guidance counselor yet. “There’s no point. I doubt he’ll do anything about it. He might’ve even written it himself.”

  She gasped. “He wouldn’t do that!”

  “You’d be surprised. Apparently homophobia is everywhere.”

  “Yeah, but you’re not even homosexual.”

  Did being bisexual count? I wasn’t sure what the rules were and what the labels meant. Was anything not completely straight homosexual?

  “Sure she is.” Taylor grabbed the paper from my hand. “She’s dating a girl, isn’t she? She’s a giant homo.” Gesturing down the hall, she added, “Come on. I can’t get another tardy or my mom will freak and make me get up earlier.”

  I wouldn’t see Liv again until later today. Telling her about the note would upset her too much so I decided not to. She’d feel guilty and start babbling about how I should break up with her and spare myself. Either that or she’d try to analyze the handwriting and track down the person who wrote it. She might’ve even taken up interrogating students behind the building. I could picture her holding kids by the collar and demanding answers through gritted teeth. It made me laugh.

  The rest of the morning went by uneventfully. It’d been over a week since I’d revealed us in English class. I hoped the worst of it was over. Apparently, we’d moved from verbal slurs and whispers to anonymous notes of hatred. I’d never been the target of prejudice. I was a member of the majority – white, middle class, Christian. Nobody had a reason to hate me before now. Was it always like this for people who were gay, or different in some way? Or was it just this small-minded middle America crap?

  By third period, I was aching to see Liv, even though she’d driven me to school that morning. I felt like one of those needy girls always attached at the hip to their boyfriends. I used to make fun of those girls – now I was one of them. That’d teach me to judge.

  Outside the classroom, Liv leaned up against the lockers, waiting for me.

  “Hey, girly,” she said when I was close. “How’s your day?”

  “Good. I missed you.”

  She laughed. “It’s only been a few hours.”

  I shrugged.

  Her gaze lingered on my face and her lips curved up into a smirk. I loved when she looked at me this way – like I was the center of her world. Like she adored me. It made me feel not so lame for adoring her.

  “I missed you too,” she finally said.

  An overwhelming desire to touch her took over. It surged to my fingertips, aching to feel h
er skin, hold her hand. I peered around the hallway but it was full. Discouraged, I sighed, louder than I’d meant to.

  “What’s wrong?” she asked.

  “I’m just frustrated.”

  She frowned. “It won’t be like this forever.”

  “You keep saying that but... It feels like forever.” I dropped my gaze to the ground, afraid of the look in her eye. I didn’t understand how she could accept things so easily. While it ate me up inside that we had to hide our feelings, she just seemed sad for me. Why didn’t she feel the same way? I guessed it had to do with her having been gay longer. She was used to having to hide. It was just life.

  For me, this was a whole new world – frightening and frustrating. Would it be worth it all in the end? If I ended up marrying a guy anyway, what was the point? A wild fling I could tell my grandkids about? Or was it all about how she made me feel right now and to hell with the future? I knew it was selfish but I couldn’t stop. I couldn’t change my feelings about her or tear myself away from her even if I knew it was the right thing to do. I wasn’t a good enough person to save myself, to save her, even if it meant salvation.

  Was I doomed to spend part of eternity in one of the circles of hell? I tried to remember which one was lust, but the answer escaped me. Though Christians – as far I knew – didn’t believe in the seven circles. Just a lake of fire and all that.

  Like that was any better.

  The bell rang. We both turned for the door.

  “Field trip next week,” she said. “That’ll be fun, right?”

  I snorted. “To the science museum? I was, like, six the last time I was there.”

  “It’s better than class.” She followed me to my seat.

  “Good point.”

  Two desks away, a girl reached up on her tippy toes to plant a small kiss on her boyfriend’s lips before they went their separate ways. I looked at Liv, she looked at me. We waved and she walked to her desk in the back.