Almost Straight

by Justice Serai

  Her amused expression faded. “Yeah right. My dad wants a girl, remember?”

  “You’d think he’d be happy you take after him.”

  “No. He’s very into gender roles. He doesn’t understand that people don’t always fit into boxes. That I can like working on cars and still have a vagina.”

  “So you want to go to mechanic school?”

  “No.” She laughed. “I like the class because it’s hands on and I feel...useful. But I think I want to go somewhere with a strong science program.” Staring down at her hands, she shrugged. “Maybe something studying space. I don’t know.”

  It was silent for a moment then she looked up at me, doubt in her eyes. “Is that dumb? I don’t know if I’m smart enough.”

  “No, it’s not dumb.” I tossed the pamphlets on the desk and walked to her. “Of course it’s not dumb. And you’re definitely smart enough. I thought I was pretty smart but you always score better than me on tests. And you barely have to study. It’s so not fair.” I chuckled and she pulled me onto the bed with her.

  “You’re much better at English. You know how to interpret all those books. You should be, like, a writer or professor or something.” She kissed my temple. “Or a professional reader. Is there such a thing?”

  Laughing, I snuggled against her body. “No. I could major in literature and be an editor at a publishing house. I thought about it. I thought about being a teacher too but I don’t really want to work with annoying teenagers like us.”

  “I don’t blame you.”

  We sat together, stretched out on my bed, limbs criss-crossing each other. I always felt at home in her arms – warm and comforted by her scent. “Maybe there’s a school with a good science and literature program.”

  “There probably is. You wanna go to school together?”

  “Yes. I don’t want to be without you.”

  “It’s, like, a year and a half away for you. Are you bi enough to be with me that long?” She chuckled but I could hear the real question in her voice.

  “Yes,” I told her honestly.

  She was quiet. I couldn’t look at her though because I was afraid I’d blurt something I wasn’t ready to say, like at the planetarium. I’d since decided she should say it first. She was the one who was a lesbian. She wanted me first, she should say it first.

  When it was quiet too long, I changed the subject. “You should come on the church ski trip with me.”

  Her burst of laughter startled me.

  “I’m serious.” I pulled away and scowled at her.

  “That’s a terrible idea.”

  “Why? I’ll be so bored going alone. I need you!”

  Still chuckling, she shook her head. “No, Audrey. Just no. I’ll be trapped in some backwoods cabin with your anti-gay church people. They’ll probably try to exorcise my demons or something.”

  I rolled my eyes. “They won’t even know.”

  “Gabby probably already told them.”

  Crap. She had a point.

  Changing tactics, I begged with my eyes. “Please, Liv. Please don’t make me go alone.”

  She studied my face for a long moment then threw her head back. “Ugh. Don’t give me those puppy dog eyes! You know I can’t resist them.”

  I grinned. “That’s the point.”

  With a heavy sigh, she looked at me, frowning. “I don’t want to be a project. They’re going to try to save me.”

  “I won’t let them,” I said, noting how strange that sounded. I wouldn’t let well-meaning church people save the girl I love. It went against all my brainwashed instincts. But when “saving” really meant telling her everything was wrong with who she was, it didn’t seem much like salvation. “I won’t let anybody hurt you.”

  She let out a long groan and I knew she was caving.

  “They’ll probably room you with the boys though and hope it turns you straight.” I chuckled.

  “Maybe it will turn me straight.” Her eyes twinkled with mischief.

  “It better not!”

  “Why?” She arched a brow in challenge. “You won’t like me if I’m straight?”

  “I’ll miss you.” I bit my lip, and, as I’d anticipated, her gaze dropped to my mouth.

  Her lips parted and her eyes filled with lust. Then she said weakly, “We could still be friends.”

  “It’s not the same.”

  “No.” Her breath became heavy and she leaned in to kiss me. “It’s not.”

  Chapter 16

  I need help ASAP.

  I stared at the text and a sinking feeling started in my gut. Seven o’clock at night wasn’t an unusual time for Liv to be texting me, if we weren’t hanging out together already, but this afternoon she’d told me she had something special planned with her family. When I’d pressed her for details, she’d shut down. As I worked on my homework that night, I had a weird feeling something bad was going to happen. She’d seemed off all day – distracted and irritable.

  Did something happen with her dad? Did they get in a big fight? I typed a message back.

  What’s wrong?

  Her reply came straight away.

  Just come over. Please. It’s too hard to explain in a text. Will your mom drive you?

  I ran downstairs, calling for my mom as I went. Liv wasn’t the dramatic type so I knew this was serious.

  “In here,” my mom said from the dining room.

  I found her at the end of the table at her sewing machine. She smiled at me when I walked in. “I’m making Maggie’s baby a Christmas dress.” Maggie was my cousin. “I used to make them for you when you were little. I’m a little out of practice but hopefully it comes out okay.” She chuckled.

  I felt bad interrupting her but this was an emergency. “Mom, I don’t usually ask for last minute rides but this is important. Liv needs me. I think she got in a fight with her parents or something. Will you please drive me to her house?”

  After stopping the machine, she studied me for a long moment. “If she’s fighting with her parents, it’s probably best to let them handle it.”

  “I don’t know if that’s what happened. It’s just a guess. But she never texts me asking for help so I think this is serious. It’s just this once and I’ll never ask again. Please!” Of course, I couldn’t really promise that’d be true, but I’d try my best.

  She sighed. “Alright. Your dad should be able to. He’s in his office. Tell him I’d like to finish this dress so I have time to mail it.”

  “Okay.” With my mom’s approval, my dad would drive me. “Dad!” I yelled as I rushed to his office. “Mom said to bring me to Liv’s house. It’s a girl emergency.”

  He looked up at me from his desk, his glasses perched on the end of his nose. Under the dim light of the desk lamp, the gray in his hair wasn’t as noticeable. Whenever I looked through old photos of my parents, I was shocked to see how much Ben and I resembled them. Considering their ages, they weren’t as wrinkled and bald as most people. I attributed it to good health and stress-free living, for the most part. And maybe God kept them young – who knew?

  My dad managed a bank branch. It was a small, family-run business, which was why he loved it so much. Good old-fashioned family values, he would say. I wondered what his co-workers would think if they knew his daughter had a girlfriend.

  I probably should’ve felt guilty but Liv’s crisis weighed too heavily on me.

  “Okay,” he said. “Does it have to be right now?”

  “Yes!”

  Chuckling, he clicked something on the computer then stood up from his chair. “A girl emergency,” he mumbled on his way out. “I’m not even sure what that means.”

  “You don’t want to know.” He probably thought of periods or boyfriends. It was better than the truth.

  Fifteen minutes later, we pulled up in front of her house. I opened the door.

  “Should I wait here, pumpkin?” he asked.

  I looked at the house as if it held answers. “No. Liv will bring me ho
me, I’m sure.”

  “Okay. Call if she can’t. Try not to be too long. It’s a school night.”

  “Yup.” I slid out of the car then turned to him before closing the door. “Thanks, Dad.”

  With each step up the front walkway, I felt more and more nauseous. I hadn’t heard from Liv since I’d texted I was on my way. The house was quiet, eerily so. Terrible thoughts popped into my mind. But I knew Liv wouldn’t go off the deep end, would she?

  When I reached the door, it opened before I knocked. Liv’s mom stood there, eyes red as if she’d been crying. In a soft voice she said, “She’s in the bathroom.”

  My chest tightened as fear grasped it. Oh god. What had she done? I opened my mouth to say something to Linda but she turned away and walked off. I didn’t know what to say anyway. I was lost and scared and about to hyperventilate.

  I walked down the long hallway toward the bathroom, my legs shaking. “Liv?” I said at the door.

  “Come in.”

  When I opened the door, I expected tears, blood, and other terrible things. Instead, I found Liv facing the mirror, holding a set of hair clippers, and completely bald. Well, maybe not bald, but pretty damn close. She’d cut off all of her gorgeous hair then shaved her head.

  My mouth fell open as I stared, wide-eyed.

  “Help me do the back,” she said. “My mom refuses to.”

  “What...” I cleared my throat. “What the hell did you do?”

  She finally turned to me. “Gave myself a haircut. What do you think?” Smiling, she turned her head side to side.

  “Um.” Shocked was an understatement. I was completely dumbfounded. On one hand, I wanted to be supportive. This was my girlfriend and I loved her, even if I hadn’t told her yet – a minor detail. On the other hand, it was so random and out of the blue, I couldn’t help but wonder if this was some kind of cry for help. “It’s...different.”

  She frowned. “You don’t like it?”

  “Well, you’ll always be pretty. I just have to get used to you looking different is all.” Tiptoeing carefully, I added, “But why the sudden change? You never said anything about being unhappy with your hair before.”

  With a shrug, she turned back to her reflection. “I got bored of looking the same. This feels much more like me.”

  “Okay.” I knew inside she felt more like a guy than a girl, but I didn’t realize she was unhappy about how she looked on the outside. But if this made her feel more comfortable with herself, I could understand it. I just hoped it didn’t have to do with her mental state. When celebrities suddenly shaved their heads, it usually ended up with a stint in rehab or a hospital or something.

  “Can you do the back?” she asked again, holding out the clippers. “I can’t see to make it even.”

  “Sure.” Hands trembling, I took the clippers and moved behind her. “I have no idea what I’m doing though. I might mess it up.”

  “Just make sure it’s even at the bottom. It’s not hard.”

  “Okay.” I looked over the back and it became obvious where she couldn’t reach. Carefully, I touched it up the best I could then evened out the line on the bottom. “Um. I think this is better.”

  After I turned the clippers off, she turned to look in the mirror. “Looks good from what I can see.” Smiling, she faced me. “Thanks, baby.” She pecked me on the lips then went back to the mirror, leaving me still feeling stunned.

  Her mom was in tears in the other room yet Liv was giddier than I’d ever seen her. “Is your mom okay?” I asked.

  “She’ll be fine. I think I just shocked her.”

  “No kidding.”

  Her eyes darkened. “I know you probably don’t understand... She doesn’t either even though she says she accepts me. But this was important for me to do. I can’t explain why.”

  “I’m just surprised you didn’t tell me. Did you think I would be upset?” I wasn’t shallow enough to reject her based on a haircut - even a sudden and extreme one. And the more I looked at her, the more I noticed how much it made her eyes stand out. As stark and shocking as it was, she managed to make it work for her. She was still gorgeous, with or without hair. I only wished she’d have let me in on the secret plan.

  “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I was afraid you’d try to talk me out of it and I wasn’t sure how to defend my decision. No explanation seemed to make sense at the time, even to me. I didn’t know how you’d take it.”

  I looked into her eyes, trying to express the words I couldn’t say yet. I desperately wanted her to know I was here for her no matter what. That love didn’t judge people based on silly things like haircuts, and that she never needed to be afraid to tell me things. My courage fled at the last second.

  “What happened?” a deep voice boomed from outside the bathroom.

  Liv’s eyes flew to mine, panicked.

  “Shit,” I whispered. Her dad was going to flip.

  She took a deep breath. “No, it’s okay. He needs to see this.”

  I wasn’t so sure about that but there was determination on her face now. She bit her lip then turned to open the door. I wanted to lock her in here with me where she was safe and loved and couldn’t be hurt by him, but I knew that was impossible. I couldn’t shield her from the ignorance of the world any more than she could shield me.

  So I followed her through the hallway. Her dad was in the living room, hovering over Linda.

  Liv cleared her throat and her dad shifted his attention to her. “Hi, Dad.”

  He stared, blank-faced.

  “Um.” She fiddled with her hands. “This is my girlfriend, Audrey.”

  “We already met,” he said simply.

  Now I understood why she’d said he needed to see this. What she’d meant was, he needed to see her. If not for his approval, for some acknowledgment of who she was – that she was still his daughter. I couldn’t imagine the heartbreak she must’ve felt every time she looked at him. If my dad started ignoring me one day, without an explanation, I’d be crushed.

  Mike turned away and took a step toward the stairs.

  “Look at me!” Liv screamed, startling me. “Just look at me!” Her voice broke, and my heart along with it.

  Eyes watering, she clenched her fists, glaring at her father. But not in a mean way, in a desperate, pleading way. In a way that begged him to notice her, to accept her, to love her.

  My throat closed up. I loved her. I wanted to scream it. If her dad – her own flesh and blood – couldn’t say it, I would.

  He slowly turned back around and set his gaze on her, cold and blank.

  “Just...” A sob escaped her but she took a deep breath and straightened her shoulders. “Just look at me.”

  Tension filled the air. It felt like we were all sitting on the edge of a knife, waiting for blood to spill. My heart ached so much, I could barely stand it. I wanted to scream at her dad for how much he was hurting her. How could he not see it? It was written all over her – from her trembling lip to her wobbling knees. Vulnerable and afraid. Coming to him like a little girl who needed her daddy. Even for a moment.

  That they looked so much alike – now, especially with her haircut – only made it worse. What kind of father turned his back on his daughter for the way she’d been born?

  But now he had a chance. He could make things right. Liv was demanding to be seen, demanding an answer to the unspoken question. Though she didn’t say it out loud, everyone knew what it was.

  Do you love me?

  Mike assessed her, long and hard. I prayed the stoic expression would crack. That his body would sag and he would open his arms for her to run to. Dads were supposed to protect their daughters, not cause them pain.

  Silence stretched on. Tears slid down Liv’s cheeks, but she didn’t utter a sound.

  Finally, he showed some sign of life. His gaze flicked away and he turned. Toward the stairs. One step then another. Until he disappeared.

  ***

  I found Liv a few minutes later on th
e roof outside her bedroom window. She sat on the flat surface, holding a bottle of something. The window had been left open, which I took as an invitation to join her. It took me a moment to work up the courage. Not only was I not a fan of heights but it was damn cold outside. I grabbed a blanket from her bed and brought it out with me.

  “Ugh.” I grunted as I slid my body through the small space. Hugging the building, I crept toward her.

  She tipped the bottle as she slugged back a big gulp of what I realized was alcohol. Carefully, I scooted on my butt down next to where she sat. When she brought the bottle back to her lips, I gently pulled it away.

  “Don’t,” I said.

  Her face crumpled in pain as she gave it over. I replaced the bottle with my lips. Softly kissing her, trying to ease her hurt, or maybe at least distract her. I could taste her tears.

  Gentleness gave way to passion and she grew aggressive. She pushed me back, pinning me to the roof while kissing me harder, deeper, then she climbed on top of me. Moaning, she toyed with my lips, nipping them then pushing her tongue between them. I felt overwhelmed under her assault. She wasn’t usually this rough or pushy. But something stirred in me at the same time. A deep longing, a restless lust I didn’t understand.

  Did I like this?

  Barely able to breathe, I tried to pull back but had nowhere to go. Then she bit me, hard.

  “Ow!”

  She shot up, freeing me from under her body. “I’m sorry!” Face contorted with fear, she climbed off of me and sat back in her spot. “I don’t know what came over me. I’m so sorry.”

  “It’s okay.” I chuckled and sat upright, trying to steady my shallow breathing. I was still reeling with confusion. My heart raced and made my head dizzy.

  She turned and crinkled her brow. “I don’t ever want to hurt you.”

  “I know.” Seeing her worry made me melt. “I’m okay.” I placed the blanket around our shoulders and she huddled into me, her body warming mine. For a quiet moment, we just looked at the stars. We looked at them as if they’d guide us, as if they held the answers to life’s most fragile questions.