Where Love Has Gone (1962)

by Robbins, Harold

  He reached for her. This time she didn’t avoid his embrace. He took the cigarette from her lips and put it in an ashtray. He kissed her, his mouth hard and brutal against hers.

  She kept her eyes open, looking into his face.

  He pressed her back against the table, his hand reaching up under her skirt.

  “The window,” she said, gesturing toward the expanse of glass before which they were standing.

  “To hell with that, I can’t wait. Let the neighbors eat their hearts out.”

  Charles met Dani at the station when she came home from camp. She looked around. Mrs. Holmes usually came with him. “Where’s Nanny?”

  Charles didn’t meet her eyes as he picked up her assorted gear. “Didn’t you know, Miss Dani? Mrs. Holman’s left.”

  Dani stopped suddenly. “Nanny left me?”

  Charles was embarrassed. “I thought you knew, Miss Dani. She’s taken another job.”

  Dani’s face was angry. “Did Mother send her away?”

  “I don’t know, Miss Dani. It happened right after you left for camp.” He opened the car door for her.

  “Do you know where Nanny is working?” she asked.

  Charles nodded.

  “I want you to drive me there.”

  Charles hesitated. “I don’t know. Your mother—”

  “I want you to drive me there!” Dani said angrily. “Now!”

  “Miss Dani. You mother will be very angry with me.”

  “I won’t tell her. Drive me there!”

  Dani got into the backseat and Charles closed the door. He made one more attempt to dissuade her when he got in the front seat. “Miss Dani—”

  Suddenly the child’s voice became as icy as her mother’s. “If you don’t take me there, I’ll tell Mother that you did.”

  It was one of a group of new houses in St. Francis Wood. Nanny was just coming down the walk, pushing a small gray baby carriage. Dani was out of the car almost before it stopped. “Nanny!” she cried running toward her. “Nanny!”

  The old woman stopped and squinted into the afternoon sun. She shielded her eyes with one hand. “Dani?”

  Then her vision cleared and she flung her arms open to embrace the onrushing child. “Dani!” she cried, her eyes beginning to fill with tears. “Dani, mein kleines Kind.”

  Dani was crying too. “Why did you leave me, Nanny? Why did you leave me?”

  The nurse kissed her cheeks, her face. “My baby,” she crooned. “My little girl. Let me look at you. How big you’ve grown, how brown.”

  Dani buried her head in the ample bosom. “You should have told me,” she sobbed. “You shouldn’t have left me like that!”

  Suddenly the old lady realized what Dani meant. She raised her head and looked over at Charles. The butler shook his head slowly.

  Intuitively she knew what he meant. She turned back to the child. “You’re a big girl now, Dani. Too big a girl to need a nanny.”

  “You should have told me,” Dani said, the tears still in her eyes. “It wasn’t right.”

  “My job is really with little babies, Dani child. Babies need me.”

  “I need you,” Dani said. “You’ve got to come home with me.”

  Slowly the governess shook her head. “I can’t, Dani.”

  “Why not!”

  Mrs. Holman put her hand on the carriage. “This baby needs me too,” she said simply.

  “I need you more than she does. You’ve always been with me.”

  “And now it’s time you learned to do without me,” the old woman said. “You’re a big girl now. What is there for me to do except sit around and watch you come and go? You can take care of yourself. Didn’t you do it all summer without me? Why should it be so different just because you’re home?”

  “But I love you, Nanny.”

  The governess hugged her again. “And I love you, my little Dani.”

  “Then you have to come home with me.”

  “No, Dani,” the old woman said. “I can’t go home with you. Your mother was right. She said it would have to happen sometime.”

  “My mother? Then I was right! She did send you away!”

  “Sooner or later, Dani,” the governess said sadly, “it would have happened. You’re twelve years old already. Almost a young lady. Soon boys will be coming to see you. You will be going out on dates and to parties. What would you want an old nanny hanging around for? You’ll have a life of your own.”

  “Did Mother send you away?” Dani asked stubbornly.

  “We agreed it would be best. Your mother was very kind about it. She gave me a whole year’s severance pay.”

  “You still should have talked to me about it,” Dani said. “You weren’t her nanny, you were mine.”

  The old lady was silent. The child’s logic was too much for her. “I think you had better go now. Your mother will be worried what’s happened to you. Besides, she has a very nice surprise for you.”

  “I don’t care about her surprise,” Dani said. “Can I come to see you? Once in awhile, I mean. That is, if you can’t come to see me?”

  Mrs. Holman hugged her closely. “Of course, Dani. I have every other Thursday off. Maybe I can meet you after school.”

  Dani kissed the governess on the cheek. “I’ll miss you something terrible.”

  “I’ll miss you too,” Mrs. Holman said. She seemed on the verge of tears again. “Now go, or Charles will get in trouble.”

  They kissed again and Dani walked slowly back to the car. She was silent almost all the way home. When they were nearly there she leaned forward to the front seat. “What kind of a surprise has Mother got for me?”

  “I can’t tell you. Your mother made me promise to keep it a secret.”

  But in the end it came from Charles anyway. Her mother was having a meeting in the studio and had left word that she was not to be disturbed. Dani went up the stairs, Charles following with her things, and turned toward her room.

  “Not that way, Miss Dani. This way.” Charles turned and started down towards the other end of the hallway, away from her old room and her mother’s.

  She followed him. “Is this the surprise?”

  He nodded as they stopped at the door of what had formerly been the largest guestroom. He opened the door with a flourish. “After you, Miss Dani.”

  The room was more than twice the size of her old one. Everything in it was new, from the sparkling canopied bed to the built-in hi-fi and television set along the wall. There was a large walk-in closet, just like her mother’s, and a new bathroom with a sunken tub and a dressing alcove.

  “You can adjust the TV and hi-fi from the headboard,” Charles said proudly.

  “It’s very nice,” Dani answered unenthusiastically. She looked around the room. “Where’s my treasure chest?”

  “It didn’t match the new things, so your mother had it put in the attic.”

  “Bring it down.”

  “Yes, Miss Dani.”

  “What happened to my old room?”

  “Your mother had it made into an office for Mr. Riccio. And Mrs. Holman’s old room is now his bedroom.”

  “Oh,” Dani said. She was old enough to know what that meant. The girls at camp all whispered about what was going on between the men and woman counselors who had rooms close to each other.

  Charles brought her gear into the room. Her camp trunk was already there. “I’ll send Violet in to help you unpack. We were waiting for you to bring the trunk key.”

  “I don’t need any help.”

  “Of course you do.” Her mother’s voice came from the open doorway. “You can’t possibly unpack all that yourself.”

  Dani turned to face her mother. “I packed it all myself,” she said. “I don’t need Violet’s help.”

  Nora looked at her. She knew that there was something wrong. She glanced at Charles. He nodded. “Is that any kind of greeting to give your mother after being away all summer? Come over here and let me look at you.”

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sp; Nora leaned forward slightly to allow Dani to kiss her cheek. Obediently Dani followed the custom. Charles left the room and closed the door behind him.

  “Why did you send Nanny away?” she asked, the moment the door clicked shut.

  “Is that the first thing you can think of saying after I’ve gone to all the trouble of fixing up this room for you? The least you could do is let me know you like it.”

  “It’s very nice.” Dani’s tone of voice indicated she couldn’t care less.

  “The television and record player have remote controls in the headboard.”

  “I know. Charles already told me.”

  Dani seemed to be waiting for an answer to her question and Nora was just as determined not to give her one. “You’ve grown. You’re almost as tall as I am. How tall are you now?”

  “Five, one-and-a-half.”

  “Turn around,” her mother said. “Let me look at you.”

  Obediently Dani turned around slowly.

  “You’ve grown in other ways too. “You’re quite a young lady.”

  “I wear a thirty-two bra,” Dani said, a note of pride coming into her voice. “But I have a very broad back. The way I’m growing my counselor things I’ll need at least a thirty-four by next summer.”

  Nora’s voice showed annoyance. “Young ladies don’t talk about such things. I’ll send Violet in to help you unpack.”

  “I don’t want Violet,” Dani said, her voice growing sullen. “I want Nanny.”

  Nora turned in exasperation. “Well, Nanny isn’t here anymore. If you don’t want Violet to help you, you’ll have to do without.”

  “I don’t need anyone then!” Dani retorted. Her eyes began to moisten. “Why didn’t you tell me you were going to send Nanny away? Why did you keep it a secret?”

  “I didn’t keep it a secret!” Nora’s voice was angry. “You’re a big girl now. You don’t need a wet nurse.”

  Dani began to cry. “You could have told me.”

  “Stop acting like a child! I don’t have to tell you anything. I’ll do what I think is right!”

  “That’s what you always say! That’s what you said when you sent Daddy away. That’s what you said when you sent Uncle Sam away. Every time you see that somebody loves me more than they love you, you send them away! That’s why you did it!”

  “Shut up!”

  And for the first time in her life, her mother slapped Dani across the face. The child’s hand flew to her cheek and she looked up at her mother with horror-filled eyes. “I hate you! I hate you! Someday you’ll love somebody as much as I do and I’ll send him away from you! You’ll see how much you like it then!”

  Nora dropped to her knees in front of her daughter. “I’m sorry, Dani,” she whispered. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to do it!”

  Dani stared into her eyes for a moment, then turned and ran into the bathroom. “Go away! Leave me alone!” she shouted through the closed door. “I hate you. I—”

  “—hate you!” she finished saying.

  Sally Jennings looked across the desk as her. The child’s eyes were red with weeping. The tears had left smudgy tracks down her cheeks. Sally pushed the package of Kleenex toward her.

  Dani took one and dried her face. She looked at the psychologist gratefully. “I didn’t mean it. I didn’t really mean it. But there was no other way I could talk to my mother. If I didn’t scream or holler or have a fit of hysterics she’d never pay any attention to me.”

  Sally nodded. She looked up at the clock. “I guess that’s all for right now, Dani,” she said gently. “Go back and try to get some sleep.”

  Dani got to her feet. “Yes, Miss Jennings. Will I see you on Monday?”

  The psychologist shook her head. “I’m afraid not, Dani. I have some work to do at the hospital. I won’t be in all day.”

  “And Tuesday I have the hearing. I won’t be able to talk to you then either.”

  Sally nodded. “That’s right. But don’t worry about it, Dani. We’ll find a way to work something out.”

  She watched the matron lead the child down the corridor. She sank back into her chair and reached for a cigarette. She lit it and switched on the recorder. She didn’t have it all but she had enough to start with. That was the tough thing about this job. There never was enough time to see any one thing really through.

  15

  __________________________________________

  I walked over to the window and looked out. The morning fog was still heavy on the street. I lit a cigarette restlessly. I turned and looked at the telephone. Maybe I should try to reach Elizabeth again. Then I thought better of it. There would be no answer. She just wasn’t picking up the phone. I’d been a fool. I never should have sent her that picture.

  Elizabeth had been quiet enough on the phone when I’d told her about it. “It’s crazy,” she said. “What could Nora expect to get from something like that?”

  “I don’t know. Maybe like the man said, insurance, or maybe just to hold over me like a club. That’s why I’m sending you the picture.”

  “Don’t send it to me, Luke. I don’t want to see it. Get rid of it.”

  “I can’t,” I said. “The only chance I have is if I send it to you. If it weren’t a phony I wouldn’t. You know that. I’ll send it airmail, registered special. You don’t have to open it. Just put it in a safe place.”

  “You’re asking a lot. You know I won’t be able to resist looking at it.”

  “Look at it then,” I said, “and see what a jerk you married.”

  She was silent for a moment. “I wish I’d never let you go out there.”

  “It’s too late to think about that now.”

  She was silent again.

  “Are you all right?”

  “Yes.”

  “Sure?”

  “Sure. We’re both waiting for you to come home.”

  That had been Thursday morning. I mailed the letter and called her the next day, after I figured she’d received it. The moment I heard her voice I knew I was in trouble. She sounded as if she’d been crying.

  “You come home right now!”

  “But Elizabeth,” I protested. “It’s only a few more days now ’til the custody hearing.”

  “I don’t care!” she said. “You come home!”

  “You saw the picture?”

  “The picture had nothing to do with it!”

  “I told you it was a frame.”

  “Even if it was,” she sobbed, “you didn’t have to look so damn happy about it!”

  “Elizabeth, be reasonable.”

  “I’ve been reasonable long enough. Now I’m just being a woman. I don’t want to talk to you anymore. Send me a wire when you’re ready to leave!”

  Then she hung up. I called right back. But for the next hour all I got was a busy signal. She must have left the telephone off the hook. Then I got a call from the lobby that Miss Spicer was waiting for me and I went downstairs.

  We had our interview in the coffee shop. “How is Dani?” I asked after the waitress had brought us our coffee.

  “Much better,” she said. “She’s been much more cooperative these last few days.”

  “I’m glad to hear that.”

  She looked at me. “She’s still a very sick girl.”

  “What makes you say that?”

  “Whatever is troubling her is buried deep. We haven’t yet come up with the reason for her exploding the way she did. There are some things about her we just don’t understand.”

  “Like what?” I asked. “Maybe I can help.”

  “As a child was she given to tantrums, outburst of temper, violent rages when she was frustrated?”

  I shook my head. “Not that I remember. Usually she was just the opposite. She used to go away by herself when she was upset. Generally up to her room or to her governess. Otherwise she’d try to pretend there was nothing the matter. She’d be extra nice, try harder to please.”

  “Did she act like that to you?”
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  I laughed. “I’m afraid she never had to. Dani could always twist me around her finger.”

  “Toward her mother then?”

  I hesitated.

  “Please tell me,” she said. “I don’t want you to feel I’m prying, or that I’m urging you to be uncharitable. But at this point every bit of information is important.”

  “Nora never really abused her,” I said. “The things that Dani felt bad about were generally acts of omission, rather than commission.”

  “Did you and Miss Hayden often quarrel in front of the child?”

  I looked at her and laughed. “Our relationship was a very civilized one, at least according to Nora. We existed in a constant state of cold war. It never burst into open conflict.”

  “What made you stop visiting your daughter when you did?”

  “I was told to.”

  “By Miss Hayden?”

  I nodded.

  “There’s no record of the court terminating your visiting rights. You didn’t raise the issue when Miss Hayden forbade the visits?”

  “I was in no position to do anything. I was broke.”

  “What did you do then?”

  I looked into her eyes. “I got drunk,” I said simply.

  “You didn’t try to tell your daughter why you couldn’t visit her?”

  I shook my head. “What good would that have done? It wouldn’t have changed anything.”

  Miss Spicer didn’t answer. After a few moments she said. “I saw your former mother-in-law yesterday. I presume you’re aware of her plans for Dani?”

  “I am.”

  I’d been at the meeting when it was discussed. The old lady had worked wonders in the short time she’d had. It must have cost her plenty, but Dani had already been accepted by a new school with a great reputation for dealing with problem children. Dr. Weidman, a prominent child psychiatrist, who was also connected with the school, was at the meeting and was prepared to take on the responsibility for her rehabilitation.

  “Do you approve?” Miss Spicer asked.

  “I think it’s an extremely good plan. It seems to me that Dani would have far better care than the state could provide.”

  “You don’t object to Dani’s becoming a ward of her grandmother’s?”