Crazy for the Storm

by Norman Ollestad

  At the top we hiked into a cluster of spruce trees that protected us from the wind. My dad’s thighs flexed like a racehorse as he sidestepped above me. We reached a nearly square boulder the size of an outhouse and my dad hiked up next to it and looked over the lip of the ridge.

  Looks fantastic, Boy Ollestad.

  Is it steep?

  Just right for all this snow, he said, and I knew that meant it was steep.

  I hate it when it’s too steep.

  I’m going to cut across the ridge and check for avalanches.

  Don’t fall in.

  I won’t.

  He cut across the ridge and a chunk of snow sloughed off and drained into the gully that dropped from the ridge. A hundred feet below, the gully disappeared in the clouds crawling upward.

  Looks good. Go for it, Ollestad, he said from up on the sidewall of the gully.

  I kicked and bucked my skis to turn them the right way. I looked down and it was really steep.

  The deep snow will hold you up. Don’t be afraid to get some speed going, he said.

  I dug my poles in and they sunk all the way to the handles. I jerked them out and rocked back and forth until my ski tips broke through, then I began to track downward.

  Up and down. Pump your legs, yelled my dad.

  I tried to move up and down. The snow was thick and deep, shoveling up against my chest. I wrenched my body in an attempt to turn. Through the snow covering my goggles I saw the side of the gully curving up in front of me. I tried to pump my legs again. Suddenly I pitched forward, releasing from the heel of my bindings, and vaulted head first into the gully wall. Snow plugged my mouth and I couldn’t breathe. I strained to move my arms. They were swaddled to my sides. I coughed out the snow, yet every exhale produced an involuntarily inhale. The more I fought to breathe the more snow stuffed down my throat. My mouth would not close.

  Boot-first my dad pulled me out. I regurgitated snow. I cried. I yelled every swear word that I had learned on Topanga Beach. He cleaned my goggles and told me he was right there. There was no way I was going to suffocate because he was right there.

  When my mountain fit ran out of steam he strapped the goggles back around my helmet and fitted my boots into the bindings.

  We should just hike back up, Dad, I said.

  It’s too deep.

  That’s why we shouldn’t have come here. It’s too deep.

  It’s never too deep, Ollestad.

  Yes it is. It’s too deep to even see or move.

  You have to pump your legs right away before the skis submarine.

  It’s impossible, I said. Why do you make me do this?

  Because it’s beautiful when it all comes together.

  I don’t think it’s ever beautiful.

  One day.

  Never.

  We’ll see, he said. Vamanos.

  I’m just going to crash again. And it’s going to be your fault.

  Keep the legs pumping.

  I can’t.

  Then I pushed off and lifted my arms up and out like a bird opening its wings. I meant to prove that I was stuck but my skis rode to the surface.

  That’s it, Ollestad. Pull the knees up.

  Above the gluey snow it was easier to bank my skis. As I sank again I lifted my knees up into my stomach. The counter-weight elevated my tips like a ship heaving over a swell and I rocked up and over the next billow of snow. I kept it going, the up-and-down rhythm, wrenching free of the heavy snow before my tips buried. I heard my dad hoot and then a wave of snow splattered across my goggles and I was blind. I swiped at the goggles clearing the left side enough to see another wave hit me, and I swiped again and remembered I needed to pull my knees up. It was too late. I ejected out of my bindings, somersaulted and landed on my back.

  I brushed the snow off my face and was able to breathe. I lay there until I heard my dad hooting and I sat up. A wedge of snow rippled toward me down the center of the gully as if an orca tunneled beneath pushing a white wave.

  My dad’s head appeared for an instant, popping out the top of the white wave. Then he stopped just above me. His mustache was a frozen white sausage. His beige sheepskin jacket and black pants sprouted cotton balls of snow. I caught sight of one of his eyes, electric blue through the rose-tinted goggles, half-crazed like something wild that had just killed and eaten its prey.

  Beautiful Ollestad, he said in smoke puffs.

  Inside I was jumping for joy but I was careful not to let him see because that would only encourage him and then he’d ask for more.

  Can we go home now? I said.

  He groaned. You’re a real pulver hund, he said, and I knew that was German for powder hound.

  Wait till you ski Alta, Utah, he said. The powder there’s like floating on a cloud.

  I caught myself dreaming about superlight Alta powder for a second, then turned away to hide any glimmer from him. Sometimes I detested his charisma, the way it trampled everything and always won out. Yet even then I wanted to be like him.

  It was a lot of work to make it to the road in the heavy snow. We hitched a ride from a Cal Trans truck back to the parking lot. I could tell that Dad wanted to ski another run. I even knew the logic of it: These days are rare and you gotta get ’em while you can. I wanted to share in his excitement for this golden moment. But I wanted to play with my friends more.

  For some reason he didn’t push it further that day, and an hour and a half later we pulled up in front of Bobby’s house. I ran inside with my ski clothes still on and discovered that the kids had just finished the chocolate cake. I cried and wouldn’t talk to or look at my dad. The mothers eyed us—we were out of place in our wet ski clothes and soiled matted hair, and we smelled like sweat. They had come from showers and smelled like lilacs and we had just crawled out of the woods. Oblivious to it all my dad charmed the ladies and then scarfed down the vegetable plate. Feeling rough and dirty compared to everyone else I stayed in the background, hoping for, but never finding, a thread of conversation to grab that would tow me into the gang’s banter. I had nothing in common with these kids, and once again, I yearned to live the life of my peers—riding bikes together after school, playing ball in a cul-de-sac.

  Am I going to miss any birthday parties? I asked my dad as he cracked open a bottle of water and handed it to me, the Baja heat coming on early this morning.

  None that I know of.

  I gave him a bitter look and he added, There will always be more birthday parties.

  I turned away from him, sulking. He patted my back.

  You got it easy, Ollestad, he said. Grandma used to drag me off the baseball field right in the middle of games and make me go to dance lessons. Imagine that. Shit, all you have to do is go surfing and skiing, fun stuff.

  Shocked, I swung around to face him. Dance lessons? Like tap-dancing? I said.

  Worse. Ballet.

  Oh man, I said. Why?

  She had a dream, he said, stretching out the word dream, of me being in movies.

  In Cheaper by the Dozen Dad played the oldest son, twelve or thirteen years old, and I remembered that in his first scene he was wearing a baseball uniform.

  Was it your idea to wear the baseball uniform in Cheaper by the Dozen? I said.

  A smile lifted his whole face.

  Absolutely, he said.

  That’s pretty cool, Dad, I said.

  Well, he said, riding that bus for hours to one of the studios and then having to wait like cattle for two or three more hours wasn’t cool. I missed a lot of fun for Grandma’s dream.

  Dad looked like a little boy asking for sympathy, and I knew he was still pissed at Grandma.

  Waiting in those lines I’d sleep leaning against the wall, he said.

  Didn’t you fall down? I said.

  He glanced at the road and shook his head.

  You made money though, I said trying to make him feel better.

  True. That helped me get through college, he said.

  We stopped
to get gas and eat and then we were on the road again. The road climbed through higher country. The remainder of the day was just a blur of heat, and I nodded off and drank water and stared out the window at the same thing over and over—dirt and chaparral and cactus. I complained about drinking only water. I needed something else, some kind of juice. He gave me a hooked-eyebrow glance and took a showy swig of the water.

  Mmm, he said, smacking his lips. Water-juice. It’s fantastic.

  He handed me the bottle.

  Water-juice? I protested.

  Try it, he said, as if this were a brilliant idea worth celebrating.

  I took a sip.

  Mmm water-juice, I said.

  At around sunset the road wound back down to the sea and we spent the night in a hotel near crashing waves. The heat kept me stirring all night and I tried to pretend I was in the cold so that I could sleep. I kept thinking about the trip we took to Alta, Utah, during Easter break.

  My dad was brushing his teeth in front of the bathroom mirror at the Little America Hotel in Salt Lake City. I saw his dick hanging in the mirror. His ass was whiter than his legs and the muscles up his spine made a deep groove to his shoulders.

  The shower shut off and Sandra stepped out in a waft of mist. Like a ghost I saw her reach for a towel and wrap it around her chest. It hung over her sex and her legs looked really skinny—chicken legs, my dad would tease. She moved out of the mist and saw me watching from the bed and the skin around her eyes twisted. I wondered if she knew that I had watched her straddle my dad last night, across the room on the other bed, her face cringing with pain but her sighs full of joy.

  Norm, she said, addressing my dad. Can’t you put some clothes on?

  You’re one to talk, he said with a smile.

  It’s like a barn around here, she said.

  My dad laughed and Sandra closed the toilet room door behind her. My dad walked to the window and slid the curtain all the way open.

  There’s at least a foot of snow on top of the Porsche, he said.

  A blast of wind peppered the glass and he turned his head and shot me a look full of hunger.

  Sandra emerged from the toilet wearing long johns. When she saw the blizzard outside she stopped.

  You must be kidding me, she said.

  My dad crossed the room and his eyes were glazed, lost in some powder-feast. He collected my ski clothes and brought them to me.

  Let’s go, Boy Wonder.

  What’s the rush, Norm? said Sandra. Look at it.

  Exactly. Look at it. It’s a dream come true.

  As we rode up the first chairlift and snow pecked at my face I wondered how come Sandra got to sit in the Alta Lodge and sip cognac.

  At the top of the lift Dad and I tucked and skated to fight through the driving wind.

  Stay in my tracks to the next chair, he said.

  The second chairlift was also empty and the lifty hardly acknowledged us. Blown by the wind, our chair clanged against the first tower. Lightning flashed and cut open the clouds and I huddled next to my dad. He nestled his armpit around the back of my neck.

  They’re going to shut it down, he said. We’re lucky we made it on the chair.

  Lucky?

  Thunder clapped and he didn’t respond and I wasn’t going to twist from under his wing to see his face.

  We slid off the chair at the top of the mountain. I waited with my back against the wind while my dad scouted out the area. He hiked up the ski patrol trail to a ridge.

  He looked like a bare spruce tree leaning over the far side of the ridge and I waited for his signal. I heard a whistle. It could be the wind. Then I saw an arm wave.

  I hiked up to him. When I looked over the ridge a gust swept dry powder off the long white humps of snow like a swarm of diamonds. A silver cloud tumbled out of the sky and unraveled into tendrils like a ballroom of dancing ghosts.

  I can’t see shit, I said.

  We got to find the trees.

  Where are they?

  Down there somewhere.

  I’m cold.

  He rubbed his gloved hand up and down my back.

  Go for it, Boy Wonder. Test the snow.

  I think we should go back down the regular run, I said.

  He shook his head.

  As I dropped over the ridge a rising tide of snow reached over my knees and my thighs plowed the sea of white crystals. They blew off my chest and glimmered in a halo around me. The crystals and I moved as one. The clouds and the wind sheared off and nothing seemed to exist outside my crystal ball. I lifted my knees and popped into the air. I came down and the crystals spread away beneath my skis. I steered and there was no resistance, no fluctuation, just one fluid stream of powder. This is what he dreamed about and made him so excited, this powdery nothingness.

  I banked like a seagull riding a current of wind and there was nothing more to life than this blind freefall.

  I heard my dad yell and felt him glide in beside me—now we were inside one big halo. His sheepskin jacket was all I saw.

  Whoosh. The halo shrank and he was gone, shooting down the slope. I was alone again in the weightless cascade.

  Trees stood in a row. They reflected light onto the snow under the limbs. No tracks anywhere. Deeper in the woods the snowflakes fell straight down because the forest kept the wind out. I held my turn until I saw an opening where I could enter the woods. I banked and sailed through. The halo sucked away behind me. It was brighter and the snow piled up around the tree trunks and I weaved around them as though they were race poles. The trunk pillows burst apart and the feathers wisped my face. I loved the feeling and I hunted down the biggest pillows I could find. I wanted to show my dad.

  Then everything dropped out beneath me. I flipped over. I was upside down. But not falling anymore. Snow poured into my parka from the waist and out the neck and into my hair. When it stopped I saw a tree trunk not more than two feet from my face. Looking downward I saw frozen earth and roots. Upward I saw my skis parallel with the tree’s limbs above them. My ski tips were wedged against the tree trunk on a lip of bark. My tails rested on the outer rim of the tree well in which I hung upside-down.

  I reached upward for my skis. The bark cracked. Too fragile. I pinned my chin to my chest and yelled.

  Dad. Dad!

  It was quiet. What if my dad can’t find me? He’ll have to go down and back around. But he might think I’ve quit already and go to the lodge. Snow will cover my tracks if he doesn’t come soon. He’ll never find me. I’ll freeze to death.

  Dad! Dad!

  My feet were cold and the blood drained into my head and it got heavy. I unzipped my pants and pulled out my dick. With my teeth I pulled off one glove then cupped my hand around my dick. It was warm. Having something to hold, something so entirely mine, settled me down, and I forgot about freezing to death.

  I must have put my penis back inside my pants because when I felt a tug on my ski I was not holding it anymore.

  Boy Ollestad! said my dad.

  Tears and coughing.

  It’s okay, he said. I’m here.

  He crashed into the tree well and my skis broke from their perch and we both fell onto the frozen ground. My helmet smacked the trunk and one of my skis smacked my dad’s shoulder.

  You all right? he said.

  I guess, I said.

  He clicked off my skis. When he stood up his head was just below the top of the well.

  I’m going to throw you out, he said.

  He grabbed my waist. Hoisted me onto his shoulders. Inter-locked his hands in my hands and straightened his arms as I straightened mine.

  Put your boots on my shoulders, he said.

  I lifted my knees and steadied the boots onto his shoulders. He moved forward and I sprang over the top of the well. I landed facefirst then crawled away from the well.

  My skis came flying out next. Then my dad’s head appeared. He wedged one boot and one hand against the trunk and the tip of the other boot and the other hand int
o the snow wall—spread like a starburst. His arm shot up and he grabbed a limb and snow ruptured from the pines and caked his head. He twisted, pushing both boots off the trunk to dive. He landed next to me.

  He shook his head like Sunny coming out of the ocean. He lifted his goggles.

  That was gnarly, Ollestad.

  I know.

  How ’bout that powder?

  I was looking at the tree well and in that moment the bliss of the powder was difficult to enjoy. Then I noticed him staring at me. His eyes beamed like a golden sun cutting through the snowstorm and the high seeped back in.

  He opened his hand and I took it and he pulled me upright.

  We’ll head down that valley, he said. Could be some good skiing down there, Boy Wonder.

  CHAPTER 11

  I ROSE FROM my dad’s cold limp body. Everything appeared to have slowed down. Each snowflake was separate and unique from the other. The plane debris creaked a specific timbre with every gust. The fog swarmed in discrete braids of vapor.

  I crouched on all fours like a wolf or some sort of animal that is used to living in these mountains. I swiveled my neck up and down, eyes tracking the geography of the funnel. I could smell the snow and distinguish the wind in another chute from the wind roaring in this chute. As if wearing ski goggles, I was able to delineate the contours in the snow, no longer a shapeless white mass that I would have to touch in order to discern the changes in texture and pitch.

  My mind stopped darting from one thought to the next. No longer debated whether or not the punishing storm would finally win, whether or not I would lose my grip on the ice, or if Sandra was right or wrong about my dad. My mind sealed itself off from everything but the immediate geography.

  I turned away from my dad and stared into the blizzard. Far across the chute a white airplane wing, previously camouflaged by the gray fog blending with the white snow, seemed easily distinguishable, as if suddenly my eyes could cut through the flat, milky light. The wing was lodged against the base of a big tree trunk. The snow was flatter there, having gathered behind the trunk.