Take My Breath Away

by Malia Ulmus

  Maybe I’m still dreaming. Probably none of this is real… but it’s sure one of the best dreams I’ve ever had.

  Come with me I know you'll stay

  You'll wake up in the morning to a brand new day

  Chapter 5

  They continue smoking another cigarette, back in silence, hanging after their own thoughts, both staring at the creek. Sometimes, when they hand the cigarette back and forth, their fingers brush against each other and each time, the accidental touch sends a shiver down the shepherd’s spine. Wistfully, he wonders if the touches linger that little bit too long on purpose, but most likely, he’s just thinking too wishfully. Or Manuel is moving slower and clumsier than usual because his hands and arms hurt. Raul cannot stop himself from throwing the occasional glance at the other man, thinking that maybe, just maybe, he looks pretty relieved about being allowed to stay. After all, Raul is being reasonable, at least that’s what he tells himself, because there is no way you can send someone with an open, probably still bleeding back and pain everywhere, someone, who still cannot lift their arms up, out to go back to war. And if he doesn’t keep him here and make him better, he supposes that’s what the other is going to do. It might be what he has to do? Are you deserting when you leave guerilla groups? Or does that only apply to formal soldiers?

  ”Are you considered to be a deserter when you stay with me?”

  The words just kind of blurt out of his mouth and Raul cringes, hoping he hasn’t crossed a line here. After all, Manuel hasn’t exactly been willing to tell a lot about how he ended up here.

  ***

  Manuel hesitates and feels his blood freeze. Not that he could have avoided the question forever, but he would have liked to ignore it just that tiny bit longer. Maybe sit here for a half a day without any thinking… allowing his mind to flee from the circumstances. But of course Raul would wonder where he is coming from and how he ended up here in this state. Because there’s obviously more than just what’s visible and what the shepherd must have realized the moment he saw him.

  ”Sorry, you don’t have to tell me anything if you’re uncomfortable with it.”

  You’re reading my thoughts, aren’t you? And how can you be so kind, so understanding? You’re offering to take me under your roof, under your wing and still won’t even insist on me explaining who I am and where I came from? Not even interested in what danger I might bring over you?

  ”No, it’s okay, really,” Manuel says, then taking in a deep breath and trying to get his thundering heart under control, “I’m a deserter anyway, you know? I come from a family that’s very close to the government and it only seemed natural to join the armed forces and the war.”

  He swallows hard and glances at Raul, to his surprise finding the other looking not one bit repelled, only genuinely curious and interested.

  ”So, once I was at war, I realized that things weren’t the way I’d been told and I switched sides. I’m a sniper, so I was more than welcome on the other side. Only to find that things weren’t any better there and that most people who fight end up fighting only for themselves and not for the ideas that they should be defending. Then I got caught and the military would probably have killed me right away but they thought I knew where the rest of my group was which is why I somehow ended up in this state. And then the military camp came under attack and I could flee in the turmoil and ended up on that grass where you found me.”

  Even if his life depended on it, Manuel could not explain why there are tears streaming down his face or why his body is suddenly shaking from head to toe. After a while of silence, when the irrational breakdown is fuelled by the fear that the things he told would scare off Raul, prompt the other man to think of him as traitor or weak, he feels an arm around his shoulders. The touch is so gentle, heartbreakingly gentle, because just like during the night, it seems Raul never forgets that most of his back is in pieces and Raul always finds exactly those few spots on his lower back and shoulders, where Manuel can still lean, can still be held.

  ***

  Raul winces internally, wishing he could slap himself. He’s done a great job at making the other cry and what was he thinking, reminding him of anything that was connected to this game of terror that they call war. He wraps himself around the other man without thinking or second-guessing, feeling the blond head drop to his shoulder, tears creating a damp spot on the fabric of his Shirt. Eventually, he resorts to running his fingers through the messy hair.

  ”I admire you, you know?” He whispers, hand not stopping its movement.

  Manuel’s eyes meet his and the fighter looks genuinely surprised and questioning.

  ”Well, I don’t think I’ve ever really had a vision or a goal worth fighting for,” Raul says, voice shaky with insecurity, suddenly feeling very inferior next to the other, “I just did what life had in store for me, you know? No choices, no resistance. My dad was a shepherd, so I became one. Everybody married, so I married.”

  ”You support your family, you’re doing more good than I have ever done.”

  ”If everybody did this though, nothing would ever change, we wouldn’t advance. And even my slow shepherd’s head understands that somehow something should be different.” Raul nods, his hand travelling down Manuel’s arm, avoiding the cigarette burn. “Even if I have no idea whether a war will get anyone anywhere.” He adds with a shrug.

  ”Me neither,” Manuel chuckles tentatively and Raul feels flooded with relief, thinking they might make it back to less loaded topics now.

  ”Breakfast,” Raul asks, noticing how hungry he is himself and wishing for the dark moment to be done with.

  ”Sounds good,” Manuel says and his voice sounds normal again, no trembling.

  A quick glance confirms that the tears have stopped flowing. Raul carefully disentangles himself, realizing that he’s indeed done it again. He’s taken advantage of the fighter’s weak state to draw him into some form of inappropriate touching and cuddling. And he still hasn’t even got his head around the question how or why or since when he craves another man’s touch. He wonders and ponders and thinks, but he doesn’t find a logical explanation for that burning desire in his veins that keeps telling him to get closer, ever so much closer to Manuel.

  ***

  Manuel cannot help but feel a sting of disappointment rise in his body when Raul crawls inside the tent. He liked being held, he liked the gentle touch and he feels cold and shivery, now that it’s gone. Sure, Raul is a man and apparently married – though Manuel had mostly guessed that because of the ring on his chain anyway – and also most certainly not interested. But somehow, Manuel cannot help himself, cannot restrain himself. Whenever Raul is near, he just wants to be close to him, closer than he should. He can count himself a lucky man that the shepherd willingly puts up with his antics, Manuel thinks, his cheeks hot when he thinks of his teary outburst. But even if his cravings are not meant to be fulfilled, he is glad about every hour he gets to share with the kind and gentle man.

  Over breakfast, Manuel notices the concerned looks Raul throws over the flock of sheep and eventually he offers that of course, they could leave today, that he would sure be fit enough. Raul, of course, won’t hear any of it and tells him that tomorrow or the day after would be just as good. That way, they end up spending a very lazy day, Manuel dozing on and off, resting as Raul tells him to and Raul only doing the necessities, staying close to him most of the time. They don’t talk much and Manuel is grateful for that, still embarrassed about his earlier breakdown. When the night approaches, a clear one this time, Raul makes them a fire and they sit under the stars for a while, marveling the night sky. Somehow, Manuel wonders, it’s very difficult to believe that it’s the same sky, the same stars that he had seen when he was still a captive, praying to die, hoping for relief. Suddenly, things were so different in his life, but that night sky was still the same.

  And Manuel knows he shouldn’t feel that way, but when they turn in for the night and it seems to be wordlessly agreed t
hat they share the only sleeping back again, he couldn’t be any happier. He might never have been happier in his life actually. It’s very late and they’ve been curled up against each other for a while already, when he feels the soft touch of a pair of lips against his forehead and he is not sure whether he is already dreaming or not, but he could swear that he hears a softly whispered ‘I’m so glad I found you’. And it makes him shiver, from head to toe, confuses him beyond limits, but it also makes him incredibly happy and content, prompting him to fall asleep with a smile on his face.

  Don't forget to pray

  to keep it away

  away from every day

  where you wonderwhy we can't be .

  Chapter 6

  He is the first to wake up the next morning again and of course, he wakes up with a hard on gain. Thus, Raul scrambles and hurries out of the tent much like he did the day before, taking a deep breath of the cool morning air. Then, afraid Manuel could follow him outside and see his problem, he strips of his clothes and wades straight into the creek. The cold water sure does the job and eventually, he steps out, settling on the rocks nearby and waiting for the sun to dry him. It’s cool, but after the moment in the icy water, not too cool anymore and Raul relaxes, eyes fixed on the mountains on the other side of the creek. It’s been barely two days and already, he cannot imagine a life without Manuel anymore. It’s absolutely crazy and totally ridiculous. He’s a grown man, a happy man, he’s always had all that he needed – how can a single moment, meeting just one person, turn his world upside down? After all, Raul’s life has always been a steady one, a settled, solid existence. Poor maybe by some standards, but always enough to sustain. Hard work, yes, certainly, but always for a cause, with a purpose and with the knowledge of peace at the end of the day. Nothing unforeseen has happened in Raul’s life before, nothing, not even a war, has managed to throw him off track. And now, he’s sitting here, watching the mountains with wistful eyes, images of last night replaying in his head. Holding Manuel, feeling the strong muscles of Manuel’s stomach under his hands, his nose Manuel’s hair, his lips against Manuel’s forehead. Yes, Raul has kissed another man. A man, who is not a relative. And he kissed him. Just like that. Is that already considered a sin? Is it a sin that he’s sitting here, part of him dreaming about doing it again? Maybe even more than that peck on the forehead. Maybe wishing he could snuggle up against him like he does with Magdalena, bury his nose in the crook of his neck, let his hands roam over the gorgeous body that’s all soft skin and toned muscles. Can something he feels be a sin? Or will it only become a sin when he acts on it? And when is it cheating?

  ***

  Manuel wakes up alone and for a moment, he is disappointed. It would have been nice to wake up in Raul’s arms. But then, he realizes what he’s wishing for and shakes his head. Being with another man like that, it’s not what he does. It’s not right, he tells himself, even if the feeling in his guts; the craving in his heart; tell him differently. He scans his body for pain, his back still hurting considerably but his shoulders and ribs feeling slightly better. Crawling out of the tent is a bit easier, too and he is about to get up and try to stretch his arms when he freezes in his movements, eyes glued to the incredible sight in front of him.

  He just kneels in front of the tent and stares, straight at Raul, who is sitting on a rock, face towards the mountains and a bit away from him so that he doesn’t notice Manuel staring quite yet. And it’s wrong, Manuel tells himself, to invade the other’s privacy like this, to watch him like this, but even if he wanted to, he couldn’t resist. Raul is naked and glorious, early morning sun making his skin shine warm and golden, long black hair shining, little rivulets of water running out of and slowly making their way down over the ripples of muscle on his back and chest. And the profile of Raul’s face, it’s so defined and so very strong and from the sidewise angle that Manuel is getting, it looks just perfect. Everything about him is perfect, broad and strong, muscular. And the way he’s staring towards those mountains, so lost in thoughts, so wistful, Manuel would give a lot to be let in, to learn what exactly he is pondering over. And then he realizes that he just licked his lips and has turned from morning half hard to rock hard. His cheeks heat up inevitably and he is still torn between making some sound to warn Raul or climb back into the tent and jerk off like there’s no tomorrow, when the shepherd suddenly turns and sees him.

  ***

  For the longest time, they just stare. Manuel is red as a tomato and judging by the hot feeling in his face, Raul thinks he is, too. This couldn’t get much more awkward and if he’s spotted it correctly, the fighter’s pants are tented and then he scolds himself for even looking there, especially as simply looking at him, the unruly blond streaks, the pink cheeks and the way he’s chewing on his lower lip, it makes Raul have the same issue within an instant. Eventually, he says the first thing that comes to mind.

  ”The water is perfect, why don’t you get in, too?”

  Manuel nods, shyly and a bit insecure, but he comes over and drops his pants, eyes on the floor. Raul wills himself to look up at the fighter’s head.

  ”Let me help with the shirt.”

  This invitation to basically go skinny dipping together, it’s the worst idea he’s had in a lifetime, Raul thinks while he clumsily helps Manuel to lose the shirt, his fingers shaking and both of them determinedly staring somewhere over the water, as if there was anything interesting to see. They go in to the waist and Raul sighs with relief, because the cold water certainly does the trick. Most of it anyway. Because now that the other man is here with him, pale, immaculate skin close up to him; he’s too mesmerized to fully lose his erection. But it fades a little. Which is a start, Raul thinks. And the water is up to their waists and evading the sight of, well, that is a bit easier now. They cannot go further. Or Raul could, but Manuel shouldn’t with the dressings on his back and the numerous cuts and scratches all over his arms and chest and shoulders.

  ”You’re right, it feels pretty nice.”

  Manuel’s voice comes out a bit hoarse and Raul determinedly tells himself that’s just because of the morning. His necklace doubled its weight again, heavy reminder of everything that’s wrong with this situation.

  ”Yeah, I know. It’s a good way to wake you up.”

  And well, if my voice keeps sounding like a giddy teeny girl, guess who is going to give himself away like now?

  ***

  Manuel nods. It’s true, the cold water does wonder to wake him and even though Raul has cleaned his wounds, this is also the first time he feels a bit cleaner after escaping from that filthy hell of a military camp.

  ”Could you help me get my hair clean?”

  Damned. Sometimes I should keep my mouth shut. As if that matters. But the thought is so tempting, a clean, fresh head. Maybe even a shave? And Raul eyes him, unsure at first and then nodding and apparently, the shepherd understands, because he doesn’t even ask why the hell Manuel would want that. Instead, he just steps closer, putting his hand in Manuel’s neck, motioning for him to bend over a bit. Under Raul’s hand, Manuel’s skin feels like it’s on fire and he sucks in a sharp breath, avoiding a shiver. Raul uses his other hand to scoop water over Manuel’s head, very careful not to drip any on his back and he’s so very gentle. Once Manuel’s hair is dripping, Raul’s fingers run through it and for a second, he thinks he will just collapse. His knees turn into pudding. His eyes have closed a long time ago and he focuses entirely on Raul’s touch, the calloused but surprisingly gentle fingers rubbing over his head and face, running through his hair and rasping over his stubble. Manuel’s holds back a content sigh and does his best to keep his shaky body under control. He could always blame the cold for that – but it’s never going to explain his cock’s reaction to all this.

  ”I think you’re clean now… or cleaner at least?”

  Raul sounds a bit nervous and takes a step back and Manuel already misses his touch badly. Opening his eyes takes some effort and he blinks at Rau
l, nodding.

  ”Yeah, sure. It feels so much better, so thank you.”

  Asking for help shaving would be out of line… and lead to his cock running havoc, Manuel thinks and when Raul turns, stepping out of the water, he follows. Around the shepherd’s neck, he sees the cross and ring, sparkling in the sun. He hates the sight, hates the reminder of how everything he wants is wrong and unavailable and he almost groans in frustration when he settles on one of the rocks, willing his erection to finally fade for good.

  ”Just stay put, I’ll fetch you something to dry yourself.”

  Raul’s makes his way to the tent and Manuel swallows hard, his eyes mesmerized by the naked back he’s getting to see. This is so not going to end well.

  Ooh your dream

  Here on the water

  Warm the sand

  The seagulls calling

  Kissed by kindness

  You gave me this

  Your fire becomes a kiss

  Chapter 7

  It’s not Raul’s decision to leave the next morning, it’s Manuel’s. If it had been up to Raul, he would have preferred the other to rest and recover maybe one or two more days. Manuel wouldn’t hear any of it though. Instead, he insisted his legs were about the only part of him that was fine so that they were safe to go. Raul eventually gave in, accepting that he wouldn’t win the argument and in the back of his head, slightly relieved because supplies would turn into a problem inevitably if they stayed. It’s only a day’s trip left anyway, he’ll make it.

  Now, they’re making their way, slowly but steadily. The dogs and sheep go first and Raul lets Manuel walk ahead of him most of the time, trying to make sure they’re not moving too fast for him and always ready to call back the animas if needed. This path, through the green pastures, climbing the mountain at a steady, soft slope, it makes Raul feel at home and grounded, even after travelling it up and down for years it never loses this particular feeling of freedom, of wide, open space and a wide open world. And a wide open heart? The thought flashes up in the back of his head, his eyes on the slender figure in front of him. The fighter moves with surprising grace for the injuries he sustained. Sure, his legs are fine, but his back must hurt and still, he’s walking in those elegant, long steps, hips swaying slightly – and hell, Raul shouldn’t even been looking there. He tries to shift his focus back to the landscape that he loves so much, wants to enjoy the rays of morning sun that gradually become warmer, summer air slowly reaching the mountains.