Take My Breath Away

by Malia Ulmus

  He buries his nose in the black hair, inhales the musky scent of the other man and he begs for forgiveness. Forgiveness from him and Carmen and the children. Maybe even from a god that Manuel doesn’t believe exists but that Raul seems to be devout to. He’s led one of his sheep astray and he begs that god to forgive him and to make restraint easier. And it is the most hypocritical thing he’s ever done, asking for forgiveness for a sin that he is in fact still committing in this very moment; sharing a bed and a cover with another man, snuggling up close and closer with no intention to pull back. But Raul is not just another man and Manuel feels weak, so weak, feels his resistance vanish into thin air and his self-control crumble. He knows that he won’t manage to stay away for long and he doesn’t understand how or why and the words invade his head relentlessly… I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. Maybe, Manuel ponders, it shouldn’t be a sin when it falls upon you just like this. When you look into another person’s eyes and see what he sees in Raul’s, namely the bottom of his own soul reflected back to him, everything he ever searched for on a silver plate. That shouldn’t be considered a wrongdoing. It seems too much like fate and destiny. Manuel realizes that in fact, he has no doubt in Raul as a person, no doubt in his intentions or affection or loyalty and it overwhelms him, because he isn’t sure he has ever trusted anyone like this. Purely and unconditionally. And when he accepts that, for this night at least, he is a safe place, holding a man he trusts with his life, that’s when his eyelids finally close and his pulse slows down, while his mind drifts away into dreamless sleep.

  My head, goes round and round,

  My heart, comes a tumbling down.

  Your hot kisses, only make me know it's true.

  Chapter 10

  ...whispers in my ears

  Raul wakes up with the first rays of sun peeking in through the hut’s only small window already. It takes him a small moment to regain his orientation and to understand and then he knows where he is and whose weight he feels against his back. Later, he will be surprised about himself, because right now, there is no doubt, no hesitation, no fear, only joy. Only simple and pure happiness about the fact that Manuel is here with him, wrapped around him, naked chest rubbing against Raul’s spine, heartbeat vibrating through Raul’s body and hot breath in Raul’s neck. Everything is perfect just like this.

  He allows himself to revel in the moment for a bit, knowing once they’re up here and the sheep are safe he doesn’t have too much else to do. Eventually, he’s almost drifting back off, he feels Manuel stir behind him and turns around with a flutter in his stomach. He should be getting used to it by now, but the sight is gorgeous again, Manuel’s face at peace and rest next to him. The fond smile spreads over Raul’s face subconsciously while he watches the fighter wake up, eyes blinking open and squinting against the brightness, a hand trying to tame unruly streaks of hair and then a shy smile when he realizes where he is. Raul sees it and his heart jumps a little. You like being here. You really do.

  And Raul has been trying very intently to ignore the thought of how long Manuel is going to stay with him. He has avoided talking about the war or plans, partly, because he doesn’t want to upset the other and partly because he’s terrified of hearing the answers to the unspoken questions between them. Of course he’ll accept it when Manuel decides to leave, because without a doubt Raul understands things like honor and giving your word and responsibility. Still, the mere thought that one day, possibly soon, Manuel will walk out of this hut to never return, is absolutely heartbreaking. On the other hand, Raul ponders, since a farewell for good is inevitable, that might leave a tiny grey zone of opportunity? Because nobody would ever know about these days they spend here in the hut, right?

  ”Hey there,” Raul whispers, still marveling Manuel’s face.

  It takes him a moment to sort why Manuel isn’t replying and instead looking at him with a puzzled expression. Raul notices that he’s absentmindedly started to trace the bruises on Manuel’s jar with his fingers and now that he notices, he pulls his hand back as if he’d been burned.

  ”Looks like you’re healing,” Raul feels his cheeks heat up and coughs, “how is your back?”

  For a moment, Manuel scrutinizes him, as if he wasn’t sure what to do next, then the shy smile is back and the moment is over, tension vanishing.

  ”It’s better. Not perfect, but better and I think I can actually move my arms a bit.” Manuel moves his arms as if he wants to prove a point and Raul is lost in the movement of the muscles of his neck and shoulders. Then, Manuel’s voice becomes adorably shy when he adds, “I… I think I could still use help shaving though, I think my hands are a bit shaky still.”

  Raul gulps, probably audibly and his eyes inevitably fall on Manuel’s hands that the other has put on the blanket now. In his chest, Raul feels his heart thunder and he nods, because he has to, because he could never explain to Manuel why that would be a bad idea. Because things like “oh, I’d rather not because I might want to do so much more to you then” still seem off limit. The kiss doesn’t change that, as at the end of the day, Raul is well aware that they might only have been a response to a very agonizing, overwhelming trip.

  ***

  Raul has agreed to shave him and now Manuel knows in all certainty that asking that was a bad, bad idea. They’ve untangled from the sheets and gone outside in their boxers, shivering in the cool morning air. The creek passes by the hut, too, and they’ve refreshed their faces – and gotten rid of certain morning issues. Manuel is relieved he is not the only one, but then he has no idea whether it’s merely a physical reaction for Raul. For himself, that much he knows, it’s way more than that and if there were no rules, no wives, no kids; he’d happily rip off all of their underwear and throw himself at the shepherd. Especially right now, where he is sitting on tree trunk and Raul is kneeling in front of him, between his legs actually, and carefully shaving him. Raul has extremely steady hands and moves swiftly and precisely. Manuel is still holding his breath and he’s trying to think of ugly scenes, trying hard not to give away how arousing this is, Raul’s fingertips brushing over his skin, Raul’s breath on his skin. Manuel shudders. Bad, bad idea.

  Nevertheless, he feels a thousand times better once the stubble is gone and while Raul wanders off to shave himself, Manuel stays where he is, morning sun warming him slightly, eyes in the sky. He’s wondering and pondering, asking himself how long he can stay here without making his intentions too obvious. It’s breaking his heart that he will have to leave one day and it scares him a little that he’s more worried about leaving Raul behind than he is about not being with his compatriots. The whole war, the causes he was supposed to be fighting for, it’s faded incredibly quickly, now reduced to a distant memory, almost like Carmen. And then he sits there, eyes still up to the sky and suddenly, serenity comes, along with the realization that these days are like a safe little haven, a break from reality. Nobody will ever know he’d been here so it’s like none of this has ever happened. And he cannot stop thinking about the day before, about Raul’s behavior towards him and even if he tries not to read too much into it, he can’t help wondering if Raul has similar problems to the ones that he is having. But even if Manuel knows they’re alone here and nobody would find out, he would never want for Raul to regret anything. But for now, Manuel thinks he can be content with the things he has, like sharing a bed and exchanging some smiles and being able to just watch Raul.

  He can’t help grinning sheepishly when they go back inside, warming up in front of a fresh fire, sharing bread and drinking coffee. And it’s the first coffee he’s had in ages and it tastes so wonderful. Manuel savors each second of this, the expiry date too clearly present in his head. His eyes rest on Raul who is smiling back at him, somewhat shyly, while sipping on his coffee and they start chatting about meaningless things. Manuel isn’t fully there, his eyes and thoughts to occupied with Raul and the way he looks irresistible in the light of the fire from the fire place. Make the
most of it, that’s all I can do.

  Oh we have been to many churches...

  ...but we never believed

  Chapter 11

  That night I crossed the bridge of sighs and I surrendered

  His usual tasks are completed rather quickly and he has to admit that having Manuel around is nice. Not like he had problems with the solitude over the past years, and he does of course meet other people when he gets supplies, but that’s different from having someone right here with him. The way Manuel smiles at him always makes him feel so warm, so flooded with happiness from the inside, it’s absolutely beautiful. In fact, Manuel is absolutely beautiful. Although, Raul knows that might be a problem. Or maybe it is a problem already. Or it’s just not at all like that and could be totally simple if he stopped listening to his head.

  All day long, the thoughts won’t stop spinning through his brain. Whether he takes care of the sheep, washes clothes, cooks or sits to smoke and talk to Manuel, who is resting and recovering, Raul cannot stop wondering about the window of opportunity that seems to be open here. In the evening, the sun vanishing behind the mountains and all chores completed, Raul feels dizzy from all the thinking and wondering. I’m clearly not made for all this thinking and considering and weighing options. I’m meant to be working hard, not thinking hard. They have dinner inside as the breeze is cool and Raul feels that Manuel is shivering too much outside. Instead, he places his sleeping mat from the tent right in front of the fire and they sit facing each other, cross-legged, sharing bread and soup and a bottle of red that Raul had left at the hut a year ago.

  ”So… do you have a family waiting for you back at home?”

  They’re halfway done with the wine, so Raul finally musters up enough courage to ask.

  ”Mhm.” Manuel nods and Raul feels his heart sink. “A wife and two kids. It’s been about a year since I last saw them though.”

  There’s pain in Manuel’s voice and it breaks Raul’s heart but it also makes him green with envy. All these emotions he shouldn’t been feeling, the things the church and his parents condemned, love for a man, jealousy, lust. He shakes his head involuntarily. His stomach flips unpleasantly. Maybe he knows that it’s wrong, but he still can’t help it. His eyes rest on Manuel’s face, fascinate by the play of light and shadow that the dancing flames cast upon it.

  ”That must be difficult,” he manages to croak eventually and Manuel just shrugs before he suddenly lifts his head and looks straight into Raul’s eyes.

  His look alone is enough to make Raul’s heart jump.

  ”I think it’s not that different for you… maybe you’re not away for so long, but you have to leave every year… all these goodbyes. That must be hard, too.”

  Raul nods and bites his lip. It is hard. But, and it hurts to admit it, mostly because of the kid. Not so much because of Magdalena. And I hope she and God and the universe forgive me for feeling that way, but it’s really not that difficult to leave her there. She’s not… she’s not you. Raul feels the heat spread over his cheeks and knows that he’s blushing from the shame, overrun with regret. Because surely, he should love Magdalena. Only Magdalena.

  ***

  And tonight the stars are all aligned and I surrender

  It’s a good feeling, warm and full and slightly dizzy from the wine. And of course, with the most gorgeous sight right in front of him. Raul, wearing jeans only, flames throwing dancing shadows over golden glowing skin. Manuel cannot take his eyes away. Maybe he should, maybe he is giving away too much. Most likely though, he doesn’t care. The war, his parents, Carmen and even the kids, basically the entire real world; it all feels incredibly far away. As if everything has happened in an earlier life and his current life only started the moment Raul picked him up from that grass. In a sense, Manuel thinks, that’s more than true – as he would have died there without the shepherd’s care.

  They’ve fallen silent after exchanging a few stories about their respective families and the wine is almost empty by now. Manuel cannot help swallowing hard. Every once in a while, their eyes meet briefly, both of them always quick to look away again. He is not sure how to read Raul’s face, Raul’s eyes. Part of him is convinced that he sees a spark of lust there. Probably, that’s not even wishful thinking. Still, in the back of his head, he cannot silence the nagging voice that keeps reminding him how much more loyal and upright than himself the shepherd is. I’m sure he’s never broken his word or cheated or done anything harmful with intention. Not like me. Because Manuel, over the course of a disillusioning war, has lost many of his standards, has done more than one thing he isn’t proud of. And the regret never leaves him, the shame of having done wrong. It’s something he doesn’t want Raul to experience.

  ”And while you were at war… away from home… have you ever… I mean, with a man?”

  Raul is staring at the ground and Manuel can only imagine how much courage that question must have cost. His own heart is thundering nervously now, because this conversation is surely taking a direction he didn’t expect.

  ”No. Never. Others did, but I… I don’t know. I guess I was too scared.”

  Manuel shrugs, a blush creeping up his face again and his stomach flipping. For a moment, he hopes for Raul to say something else. Instead, they both fall silent and probably Raul can hear his heart thunder right now. Manuel cannot look up to check what Raul is doing though, because something about the topic, something about the sudden tension between them, is completely paralyzing him. So he stares at his own legs instead, his fingers running over the threadbare jeans, borrowed from Raul, absentmindedly. They fit him really well as they’re the same height. Raul is broader though. And darker in complexion and hair. Broader is the important part though. He’s someone to lean on, someone to be held by. Manuel feels a shiver run down his spine at the memory of the times he’s spent in Raul’s arms. Around them, the room has gone silent, only sounds their breathing and the crackling of the fire.

  ***

  Hold me now while my old life dies tonight and I surrender

  Raul lifts his eyes slightly, letting them rest on Manuel, who is intently avoiding his gaze. Raul’s stomach clenches. He doesn’t really doubt the spark of desire he’s seen in Manuel’s eyes earlier. What he doesn’t know is whether Manuel is ready to give in. And he knows even less whether he himself is ready to take the next step. Everything would be easier if Manuel would just start. Like the other night. And Raul is very sure he’d kiss back without hesitation. But he also understands that it is his time to start things. Because Manuel has taken initiative before and he must be wondering about Raul’s take on this. And maybe they should talk, really talk, about what they want, but the words won’t come out of Raul’s mouth. How do you explain someone, another man specifically, that although you have no idea how that would even work, you’d kind of like to take them to bed? Because you get hard just from looking at them. Raul feels his face blush and his dick twitch in response.

  ”That kiss-“ Raul stops and almost chokes and briefly considers running away, “I… I’ve never done that before. With a man.”

  It takes a while for Manuel to answer and in Raul’s head, the blood is rushing too loudly for him to focus.

  ”Me neither.”

  Raul blinks, surprised and at the same time, strangely overwhelmed. I was your first. I really was your first.

  Raul isn’t sure what he should or could do with the new information, so he just keeps looking at Manuel, waiting for the other to return the gaze. It takes a moment, but then the fighter gives in and lifts his head and Raul looks into the most beautiful dark brown eyes and they look as if they hold all the answers to all the spoken and unspoken questions in his life.

  ***

  Tonight I'm learning how to fly and I surrender

  When his eyes meet Raul’s, Manuel holds his breath. Raul’s pupils are wide, dilated, almost gone entirely black and the tension between them is every bit palpable now. He’s still holding his breath and biting his
lip, his pulse racing infinitely, when he sees Raul’s hand move and then Raul’s fingers are in his neck and the whole world turns into slow motion. Hypnotized, Manuel lets Raul pull his head closer and when he is absolutely sure that the impossible is really going to be happening, his eyelids flutter close.

  The touch of Raul’s lips against his is soft, tentative, testing the waters and Raul just stills in his movements then, their mouths against each other and Raul’s hand still holding Manuel’s neck carefully. It’s the unspoken handing over of initiative and Manuel knows. Knows that now it’s his part to step forward and do something, show Raul that he wants this as much as the shepherd apparently wants it, too. He can’t quite move the way he’d want to, muscles of his arms still sore and strained, but he manages to lean forward and shuffle enough to be sitting on his knees. So, when he bends forward a bit more, their foreheads are against each other and with a bit of effort, he even manages to put his hands on Raul’s side. The smooth skin is incredibly hot under his touch and he thinks he feels Raul shudder.