by Malia Ulmus
“Don’t worry, I’ll try to be back as soon as possible, okay?”
“Sure, sure. I was just-“ Manuel trails off and shakes his head slightly. “I don’t know, I guess I’ve just become a bit sappy over the past days,” he adds with a chuckle, pulling the other down for another brief kiss.
***
It surprises Raul, but it’s actually hard to leave Manuel behind. They hug and then Manuel, dressed in boxers and a shirt, waves from the door of the hut. It’s still a stiff movement, but it seems that the worst has passed for the fighter’s arms. Though with the angry bruises still covering his skin and the open wounds on his back, Raul has no doubts he’s still in a fair amount of pain. Maybe the farmer has some painkillers on hand at least.
The walk, though not longer than all these years before, feels endless today and Raul determinedly tries to focus on anything else but the thing, whatever it is, between him and Manuel. They’d agreed that they’re okay after all, whatever that means. All Raul knows for sure is that last night was the best night of his life, that he’s never had a sexual experience that could measure up to it before and that he’s never felt for anyone the way he does for Manuel. Because leaving Magdalena behind for several months has been easier than leaving Manuel for a few hours. And then his stomach clenches over the realization that sooner or later - but probably sooner, going by the speed of recovery so far – he will have to leave Manuel behind forever. I’m screwed, totally screwed.
He knows he’s about to panic again and hastily distracts himself with a cigarette, tries to guide his thoughts towards happier territory. Neither of them freaked out this morning. Actually, they kissed and hugged and with the way Manuel looked at him, he can be more than hopeful that Manuel has some interest to repeat last night, too. He takes a deep breath and shakes his head. What have we done?
***
Manuel does his best to get himself somewhat clean and fresh by the creek, pushing any thought about last night away with determination. There’s a nagging guilt that's trying to resurface, because he feels like he’s the one who dragged Raul to the dark side of temptation, like he ruined the innocent shepherd. And in a way, that’s just what I did, isn’t it? But then, Raul kissed him again before he left, and quite passionately in fact, so for the moment, things are okay and that’s all he really wants to think about right now, because if he’s learned one thing during the past year, it’s that planning for a future is rather useless in times like these anyway.
He sighs and smokes and allows himself to dwell in memories of the last night for a moment, the images in front of his closed eyes so real that he can even smell and taste Raul again. He wouldn’t say that he’s been a saint so far. Or that his previous sexual experience has been limited. He’s always liked women, enjoyed being with them, touching them. They were soft and pliant, with smooth skin and curves and he found satisfaction with them easily. But last night… Raul, the feeling of stubble and calloused fingers, the hard planes of a toned, broad, masculine chest... it’s never appealed to him until now and it seems it got him hooked immediately. Nothing he’s experienced has felt as intense as this and his cock is half-hard just from the daydream already.
It’s a soft beeping that distracts him from his thoughts abruptly. It’s a desperate, somehow needy sound that for whatever irrational reason is going under his skin. And he cannot help but look for the source. It doesn’t take much investigation to locate it and find the small bird, one wing obviously broken. Manuel doesn’t know what’s going on with him, if he’s really turning into some sappy, hopelessly romantic fool here or whatever else is driving him to do this nonsense, but as if he was driven by some external force, he just has to go and pick up the little, wounded creature, carrying it inside the hut on a shaky hand. No one should be left behind to die.
Out of the doubt that fills my mind
I somehow find
You and I collide
Chapter 14
I’m hungry for you, my love, so come out and rescue me
The way is long, too long for Raul’s taste. It feels like he needs more time today than he has ever needed before and that means something for a path that he’s been taking for about twenty years now. He tries to focus on something, anything that distracts him from the man waiting in his cabin and tries to remember what he did or thought about in the past. But until a couple of years ago, he has never been in this alone. He’d always had his father and in earlier years even his brother with him and they’d talk about this and that and his father would share his knowledge and with it the cumulated wisdom of all their ancestors with his sons. Facts about the weather, the mountains, plants and animals. Raul learned to read the formation of clouds and the color of the sky; he learned about herbs and hunting, about wolves and falcons. And then, his brother long having a family of his own, Raul's father got too old to make the way and so Raul got to go by himself, with his son still too young to join him. And yes, last year had been lonely, he remembers. But not entirely in a sad way, at least if Raul is honest. In fact, getting away from everybody had felt better than ever without that he could have named the exact reason. But somehow, their tiny house, the constantly crying baby, Magdalena’s eyes that were always full of all these expectations Raul felt unable to fulfill, his parents’ rigid opinions on how to lead a life… it had been a constant source of pressure and as soon as he stepped out towards the mountains, some knots he’d felt around his chest suddenly were untied. It’s been the same this year, too. And then Manuel happened.
The thing about knowing Manuel, about, well, having Manuel, it’s that Raul now feels unable to imagine going back. No, he hadn’t been happy with his life before, but as he hadn’t known any different, he also hadn’t compared and so he’d been okay with it. Maybe, during the dark, crowded winter days in the village, he’d been less content than during the summers in the mountains, but all in all, he always coped, he knew there was no choice and he accepted his tasks in life. Now, though, how could he go back and not remember? How could he forget the feeling of being close to someone so loving, so warm; someone who didn’t expect Raul to be anything other than himself. And facing Magdalena, now, seems more than just a little difficult and every time it sinks in, the full dimension of the last night, Raul feels like he is going up in flames because it burns and stings so badly. Adultery. Raul gulps and suddenly empties his stomach into some bushes. He sinned. And as much as he is ashamed and as much as it makes him sick, there is a nagging feeling in the back of his head and an overwhelming craving to get back to that hut rather sooner than later and repeat everything right again. And that’s what truly scares him… like he lost all self-control with a bat of Manuel’s stunningly beautiful eyelashes.
***
He fixes the wing as good as he can and probably that’s not exactly much. He’s seen his grandfather fix a duck’s wing, but that was when he was maybe three or four. And it was a duck. The bird in front of him is much, much smaller and he has no doubt that Raul would know exactly what type it is. Raul would also know if and how he could help the small creature. Manuel isn’t even sure how to feed it and ends up putting it in a small box that he saw on the shelf and only giving it water and some crumbled bread. Hopefully that would do until Raul’s return. Manuel’s stomach does a funny little twist at the thought. It sounds ridiculous to himself, but he actually misses Raul’s presence already. He still has no words to express his gratitude about the simple fact that Raul hasn’t panicked about last night. Though maybe… he just didn’t panic yet and would once he returns? Manuel swallows hard. The idea is hard to bear, but not really far-fetched. He cannot even imagine how this must be for Raul. Although they’ve only known each other for such a short time, he still has the feeling that he knows him better than most of the men he’d been fighting with and that’s scary and beautiful at the same time. Yet, the way he knows Raul, the things he’s learned about him, Raul must panic about this at some point. Raul is loyal, he’s a good man, he believes in the valu
es he’s been taught as a child and Manuel feels a wave of guilt wash over him, because he is the one who’s led Raul astray. The selfish part of him hopes that Raul just won’t run quite yet, because he could use another night like the last one, maybe two. Because surely, he’ll have to get back to his group at one point. Maybe he should be heading there already, as his injuries have healed to the point where he could manage the walk. But he couldn’t quite fight yet and he feels somewhat justified in staying here, in this small bubble of peace, staying just that little bit longer until he feels he can fire a gun or run away from one aimed at him. Inside the box, the bird seems to have gone to sleep and Manuel wonders if it felt the same terror, the same fear when he picked it up that he felt when Raul came to save him. With a sigh he pushes his chair back, heading outside. It’s a stupid war, a faceless form of terror that’s ruined his life, his plans, his dreams. A doctor, he was going to study to become a doctor. Manuel huffs, his real profession couldn’t have ended much further from what he’s aspired.
With things being the way they are now, there is something comforting about the war, Manuel thinks, stepping outside and lighting a cigarette. As long as it’s there and the battles go on, Manuel has somewhere he belongs and a place to go to once he has to end his stay with the shepherd. Without the war, he wouldn’t have anything left. There’s no place to go back to, no home awaiting him. His parents won’t even consider him their son after he changed sides. And Carmen… sweet, innocent Carmen… he’d never impose his horror on her or expose her to the threats she sure would fall under once she’d be with him, the traitor. He hopes she isn’t already being subjected to bad treatment because of his decisions. Without a doubt, word of his ‘disgrace’ must have reached home, probably the military put his family under surveillance to find him. And he’s pretty sure Carmen will have found someone else. Or at least, he truly hopes for her that she did, someone who really loves her the way she deserves. And that’s not Manuel, never has been. After all, neither of them chose the other. Their parents decided for them and that was it. They got along and eventually started to care about each other, which is more than he expected and they certainly shared good times, but they never had passion, they never loved each other and if Manuel hadn’t known that before, he’d know it now that he’s been with Raul. Someday, somewhere – anywhere, unfailingly, you’ll find yourself, and that, and only that, can be the happiest or bitterest hour of your life.
And Manuel knows he should feel guilty about his own betrayal, but somehow he doesn’t. Like he buried that part of himself along with his wedding band and his dog tags, during that same rainy night where ran away from his camp, where he burned his uniform and letters. He remembers the place, he has the distant dream of that day where peace comes and he retrieves the tiny metal box with his tags and the ring, but he knows that even getting the material things back, won’t get him his old life back. The one thing he never really gets over is not seeing his kids anymore, not finding out how they’ll end up, not knowing what they’ll be told about their father and his sins. It hurts, terribly so, but over the years of the war, Manuel has learned to keep that dark little compartment of his soul closed tightly. So he stares into the bright sky, wonders how long Raul’s trip will take and allows the memories from the last night to flood his mind again.
***
It’s past noon when he can finally see the sheep and the cabin again. One of the dogs, the youngest actually, runs up to him, greeting him with a friendly waving of his tail. Raul pets its head and they make the last meters together. It’s ridiculous, the way his heart is pounding and his hands are sweaty. He’s nervous to return to his own place and it’s all because of Manuel, all because of the wrecked fighter awaiting him. The man with the most beautiful eyes Raul has ever seen and still it’s completely ridiculous, the whole tension and anticipation. A small part of him shakes with fear, because he doesn’t know how he’d deal with finding the inside of the hut empty. One hand on the handle he stops in his tracks, the dog running back to the others already. Raul takes a deep breath and hopes and prays with all his power that Manuel will still be there. “Manuel? I’m back, I’m coming in now.”
He’s not disappointed and the sight of Manuel, standing across from the door with a nervous smile, it makes Raul’s heart jump and, as cheesy as it sounds, it actually makes butterflies flutter in his stomach. For an instant, Raul squeezes his eyes shut, jaw clenching and heart constricting, because this is taking him all of his courage, all the strength that he can muster. Love does no harm to its neighbor. Therefore love is the fulfillment of the law. (Romans 13:10). With a small, determined nod he locks eyes with Manuel, seeing how Manuel realizes what Raul just decided, seeing how the realization makes Manuel’s eyes darken beautifully. Raul drops his backpack carelessly and closes the distance between them, eagerly, hungrily, desperately, before their mouths smash against each other’s with unprecedented force and passion.
Raul groans and pants into the kiss, he’s steadying himself on Manuel’s grips and, although he wouldn’t have thought it was possible, everything feels even better than the night before. The fighter’s fingers are clenching in his hair, keeping his head in place and Manuel has shifted his hips at just the right angle, their crotches already touching, their bulges obvious even though separated through several layers off fabric. The friction is good, but not enough. Nothing ever seems enough with Manuel. When Manuel’s tongue traces a line along his jaw and he then begins to nibble on Raul’s earlobe, the shepherd’s fingers impatiently start tugging on whatever fabric they can reach. Manuel soon follows his example and together they manage to wind up both completely naked, skin on skin, tumbling into the small bed without the least bit of hesitation. There’s only the sound of their heavy breathing in the room while they rub against each other and this time, Raul doesn’t even spare a thought for Manuel’s injuries. He’s just too greedy, too hungry, too starved for this. And he wouldn’t even call it passionate, it’s simply despair that guides them, brings them closer to the edge at an embarrassing speed. He comes with an unmanly, choked whimper and tears in his eyes, quick to close them and hide from Manuel who follows with a small cry and then curls up next to him with a pained groan. When Raul opens his eyes after a moment, breathing calmed just about enough, Manuel’s chest is heaving regularly and he looks asleep, face the usual relaxed beauty when the fighter finally lets go, making him look so painfully young. Raul leans down and presses a kiss to his hair and then untangles from Manuel and the blanket, haphazardly putting his clothes back on. Coffee. He should really fix them some coffee, now that he got some from the farm. Cost him a fortune, totally unnecessary luxury, but he felt it was about deserved, if not for himself, then at least for Manuel.
Before he gets started with making coffee and dinner, he takes a moment to sit at the table and, with surprise, he stares at the bird he finds there. A ragged little lark, wing fixed expertly. Raul sighs, sadness washing over him while he watches the little one that is looking right back at him, eyeing him curiously. It shouldn’t be in captivity, it shouldn’t be in pain. It should be free and fit and doing what it was born to do. With a weary sigh, his eyes wander to Manuel’s sleeping figure, his stomach clenching uncomfortably again. Of course he knows that Manuel will have to go back. Deep down, Raul knows. And at the end of the summer, Raul will have to go back, too. Sure, theoretically, he could join the guerilla troops, too. He wouldn’t be the first desperate, poor farmer taking that path. By far not. But Raul is different than the courageous and brave men he saw choosing that lifestyle and in the end, Raul wouldn’t and couldn’t let down his family. His father cannot sustain the herd anymore; his son is far, far from being of any help. His brother has his own family to get through. And Raul lacks the recklessness to leave them to themselves. As usual, there simply are no options, no choices.
***
He hears and feels Raul get up, but he prefers pretending to be asleep, prefers not finding out quite yet how Raul feels about
this. About them. And Manuel is sure that goes both ways, because aside from passion-driven, senseless rambling, neither of them has spoken a single word since Raul came back. Still, as it’s not just happened once and not just happened under the influence of wine and other drinks, they won’t be able to ignore it forever. And maybe, Manuel thinks, maybe he should make this easier for both of them and get going. He could have Raul change his dressings once more and then take some painkillers with him, the rest he could well deal with. His ribs would heal and so would his skin. Swallowing down a lump in his throat, he vows to himself that the next day would be his last in this hut, that he’d finally be strong enough to end this, before they get carried away even more, before they lose themselves too much in an idea that’s bound to go wrong.
Manuel buries his head in the pillow, denying to himself that there are hot tears sinking into the fabric. With his eyes squeezed shut, he listens to Raul’s whereabouts, hears him chop something and light the fire again, hears the sound of someone cooking. Even with his eyes closed he notices the light fading, the night crawling upon them again and maybe it shouldn’t be this way, but Manuel feels oddly safe and peaceful, huddled up under the blanket, hearing the sound of some easy domesticity, the smell of Raul cooking for them and if Manuel’s not mistaken, there’s a scent of coffee lingering in the air. He’s torn between sheer joy about being right here right now and the unpleasant twisting in his guts, the uncomfortable knowledge how fragile and terminated all of this is. With a deep sigh, he starts untangling from the blanket, knowing he’ll have to face things and determined to enjoy this just a tiny bit more while he still can. He slides into a pair of Raul’s sweatpants and walks up behind the shepherd, hugging him closely, nose buried in the long black hair. A small sigh escapes Raul’s mouth and Manuel feels him shudder under his touch.