by Claire Adams
I got out of bed and jumped in the shower, nodding good morning to Quinn as I passed. She looked sad, and her eyes were puffy, as if she hadn’t been sleeping well. After the shower, I piled my eggs on my toast, wrapped it in a paper towel and took it with me, needing to get to meetings early so I wasn’t late picking up Jake that afternoon. Work went by slowly, and I could feel the excitement of seeing my son starting to build again, relieving some of the ache in my chest I had from dealing with the Quinn situation.
When I got to Sarah’s that evening, she flung open the door and walked away, looking like she was getting ready to go out somewhere. Jake was waiting for me by the couch with his stuffed animals in tow and a huge smile on his face. I leaned down and hugged him tightly, letting out a deep breath. We left without a word from Sarah, which I was grateful for because I knew she knew how to press my buttons and I didn’t have any control left for her. I strapped Jake into his new car seat and climbed in the driver’s side, started the car, and pulled out onto the road.
“So, I got to do a science experiment at school this week,” Jake said, being his normal chatty self. “It was so cool. We made a lava lamp but without any lava!”
“Wow, buddy,” I said, happy to be chattering away with my son. “That sounds so cool.”
I sat there and smiled, my shoulders relaxing for the first time in all week. I sat and listened to him tell me stories about school, what he was doing, what his friends were doing, and how excited he was to be back at my house. I was excited too, and I couldn’t wait to just relax and get through the weekend with no real drama or heartbreak. When we got home, and I opened the door for Jake, he went running inside, leaping into Quinn’s arms. She smiled a big and genuine smile for the first time since the day the court official had been at the house. Jake was really happy to see her, and even though I had to keep my distance, I was really happy to see her as well. I could tell that Jake was just as content to be with Quinn as he was to be with me, and that made me happy and nervous at the same time.
We spent the evening laughing and talking just like we did the first time. Jake told stories, and we followed along, feeling like a regular old family. I even had to remind myself for a minute that this wasn’t real, that we were pretending, or at least that’s what I kept telling myself. During dinner, I watched as Quinn joked with Jake, trying to get him to eat some of the salad she had made. Eventually, he did, and though she thought it was because of her cunning effort, I could see in Jake’s eyes it was just because he wanted to make her happy.
After dinner, we decided to play Monopoly all together at the dining room table. Quinn coached Jake on how to play the game as I ganged up on them, trying to steal all of the spaces. We laughed hysterically, watching as I raced to snatch up all the properties, but constantly getting thwarted by Jake and Quinn. In the end, I lost terribly, but we had a ton of fun. Just before I pulled Jake away to take him to bed, I caught Quinn’s eye, and she looked completely content. It worried me because I feared that the contentment was also hope that our relationship was growing further than our agreement. I had to keep things solid and on track, without letting go and giving into the fact that somewhere deep inside of me I shared the same hopes.
“All right buddy,” I said, putting the game pieces away. “Tell Quinn goodnight; it’s time for bed.”
“Okay,” he said, with a pouty lip.
He got up and wrapped his arms around Quinn, giving her a tight hug and a kiss on the cheek. She smiled, closing her eyes and whispering sweet dreams to him. I could see the love she had for him. We walked back to his room, and he climbed into bed, already yawning and starting to fall asleep. I started a book, but about two pages in, his eyes were closed. I turned off the light and tiptoed toward the door, stopping when I heard his little voice.
“Dad,” he said. “I’m really glad Quinn was here again.”
“I know, buddy,” I said, my eyes looking down and my voice somber. “I’ll see you in the morning.”
I closed the door behind me and walked back to the dining room table where Quinn had finished packing everything up. She smiled at me and stood, picking up the box to put it away. I reached out and grabbed her hand, shaking my head.
“Quinn, please sit down,” I said, letting go and sitting across the table from her. “I need you to remember that what is between us is only an act. I know it is hard to tell the difference in this situation, but we are not in a relationship, even though sometimes it really seems like it. I am not trying to hurt you here; I just want to make sure you are on the same page. Sex complicated our situation; I am very aware of that. I’m sorry that I took advantage of the situation we are in. I should have shown more self-restraint and control. I regret crossing that line that was so vividly drawn from the beginning. It is in no way your fault; it was my responsibility to hold things together since I was the one that asked you to put yourself in this position in the first place. It was very childish of me to give in to my carnal instincts, and more than once, I didn’t act in the best interest of you, me, or Jake when it came to that, and I really want you to know how sorry I am.”
I took a deep breath and looked across the table at Quinn, who slowly raised her eyes to me. I could see so much hurt surging through her face; I immediately felt completely gutted. The last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt this beautiful woman, but it seemed that it was too late, the damage had been done. I knew that I could spare her even more pain if I just stopped talking, but I needed to finish, I needed to draw the line, so there were no more questions between us. I had left too many things unsaid from the beginning, and that was how we ended up in this situation in the first place. That, and the fact that I was incredibly attracted to this woman and wanted her very badly.
“I know this is hard,” I continued, trying not to look at her broken face. “But I promise we won’t sleep together anymore. I will control my urges and leave you be. As soon as this custody thing is wrapped up, and we have the outcome we were looking for, you are free to go. In fact, after hearing little Jake talk about how he missed you, I think that when this is all over it will be necessary to for us to go our own ways. I think that the split will only be confusing and hurtful to him and I don’t want to drag it out for him, or you for that matter.”
Quinn shook her head and stood from the table, not saying a word. I watched as she walked away, putting the game away and going to the bedroom where she shut the door behind her. Instantly, my heart was broken, and I wasn’t sure if she, or I, would ever recover.
Chapter Thirty-Four
Quinn
To say that it was hard to get out of bed and face the day was a complete understatement. I’d had no choice though; Jake depended on me to be there and continue doing what I was doing before. We had come too far for me to give up now, and I had to remind myself why I was doing this in the first place—for Jake. So, I had pulled myself from the security of the bed and put on a brave face, even though I felt completely hollow on the inside. We had gotten through breakfast and lunch, playing around with each other and watching movies with Luke. Jake wanted to play another board game, so I pulled out the game of Life, feeling like it was completely unrealistic, and laid it out on the table.
Jake skipped and hopped over to his seat and sat down, while Luke sat across from me, keeping his eyes on Jake or the board game, but avoiding me completely. We were about three turns into the game when a knock came at the door. I glanced up at Luke, and he met my eyes, knowing exactly who was on the other side. I took a deep breath and pushed my chair back, figuring there was no better time for me to wipe the unhappy look off my face. When I opened the door, Ms. Brown was standing on the other side, a smile on her face.
“Good afternoon, Ms. Brown,” I said, cheerfully. “Please, come in.”
“Thank you,” she said. “I came to do another surprise inspection. Jake is here, right?”
“Yep, we picked him up yesterday,” I said, shutting the door behind her. “We were just playing a riveti
ng game of Life when you came knocking.”
“Oh, I love that game,” she said, walking forward beside me. “I used to play it with my children when they were little, but they are all too grown up for it now.”
“I don’t know if you can ever outgrow Life,” I joked.
“I agree, but they think they are way too cool to be playing board games with old mom, I suppose,” she twittered.
I led Ms. Brown into the living room and introduced her to Jake, who looked like he was going to be super shy until she started talking to him about his science teacher at school. I guessed that since he loved science so much, that was good enough for him. He started to open up rather quickly, which was good since the questions she had were tougher than the ones before, and much more in depth. I was proud of Jake though, as he sat down next to Ms. Brown and talked to her like a miniature adult, shaking his head in understanding when she asked him about whether he understood why she was there. His answer kind of took us all back, but she kept going, trying not to show Jake she was affected by it.
“You are here, well, my mommy says you are here because my daddy isn’t a good daddy and you are trying to prove that I shouldn’t be here,” he said. “But I think you are wrong.”
“Well, your mommy is completely wrong,” she said, glancing up at us. “I am here to make sure you are healthy and happy both at her house and here at your daddy’s house. I don’t think your daddy is bad at all. In fact, I came to visit them before, and I thought they were very good people.”
“Oh, good,” he sighed. “I was worried.”
“Well, there is no reason to be worried,” she replied with a smile.
She continued on, probing into what type of relationship that Jake and his father really had. After that, she carried on with questions about me and how he felt about our relationship. Jake was a pro, coming through all of it with flying colors, just like we knew he would. He didn’t have any reason to lie because in this environment, he was a very happy little boy.
“Well,” Ms. Brown said. “I am very impressed by all three of you.”
Luke walked up next to me and smiled big, putting his arm around my shoulders and squeezing me hard. I could tell how excited he was to hear those words, and so was I, though I was having a hard time mustering my excitement over the heartbreak that was still throbbing inside of me.
“I think I have seen all I need to see here,” Ms. Brown said, standing up. “You guys are a very healthy and vibrant family, something I don’t get to see very often. I can tell you now that Jake’s mom is very mistaken, and I am hoping for Jake’s sake she comes to that conclusion on her own, as she doesn’t want to be in a position where the judge has to tell her that himself. I am going to make my recommendation to the court that your joint custody be permanently approved, and that Jake should spend as much time with you as possible under the circumstances.”
“Thank you,” Luke said, letting out a deep breath.
“I just want you to understand, Mr. Thompson, that I will immediately investigate any allegations that are made against you in the future,” she said, pointedly. “But I think that you have a very warm, inviting, and happy home. I can only hope that Miss Smith provides the same kind of care and comfort that you and your fiancée do for little Jake. He deserves everything that the world has to offer him, and that includes stability and support in his life. He is just a child, a child who has had to grow up faster than normal. Maybe we can slow things down in that department from now on.”
“Absolutely,” Luke said, shaking Ms. Brown’s hand vigorously.
I smiled at her and then looked up as Luke excitedly turned toward me and walked forward. He reached his hands out and cupped my cheeks, pressing his lips against mine and holding them there for several seconds. As he released my face, my heart sped up, and he looked me dead in the eyes, taken back by the flow of emotions exchanged during that experience. Slowly, he began to back away, his eyes still firmly locked on mine, an expression of confusion running over his face. It was all too much for me, and at that moment I couldn’t control myself anymore. Between the look of excitement and the look of confusion on Luke’s face, I was done for. I could feel the pain surging through my chest, and immediately I burst into tears. I knew that I would have to play this off to the social worker who quickly looked over at me, but I couldn’t hold it back any longer.
Inside, I couldn’t rationalize everything that was happening. I knew that everything on Luke’s part was nothing but an act, he had told me that directly. Somewhere inside of me I hoped that it wasn’t true, but now I was facing the end of our time together, and I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I looked down as tear flowed from my eyes and down my cheeks, a soft sob taking over my demeanor.
“Miss Mallorie,” Ms. Brown said, rushing forward and putting her hand on my shoulder. “Are you all right? What is wrong?”
I sat there for a second, trying to decide what my answer would be, but once I looked up and saw Jake’s concerned face, I knew what I had to say. I took in a deep breath and sniffled, trying to collect myself enough to speak. I leaned my head back and laughed through my tears, hearing Luke let out a deep breath beside me.
“Nothing is wrong,” I said, smiling. “I am just so happy that this is all finally over, and we get to have our Jake here. It has been a very trying situation with his mom being so hard on everyone.”
“I understand,” she said, with a laugh. “I am glad you are so happy; it is a testament to your feelings for these two.”
“Thank you, Ms. Brown,” I said, shaking her hand. “I am so happy that you have come to a definitive conclusion.”
When Ms. Brown was gone, I had to get myself together since I was still being watched by Jake. He obviously hated to see me upset and spent the rest of the day trailing me, trying to make me laugh. I went through the motions of cooking and eating dinner with the family, helping Jake get in and out of the tub at bath time, and I was the one who put him to bed, figuring this might be one of the last times I was able to do so. He was sweet when I tucked him in, and I didn’t even get halfway through the story before he was out like a light.
I stood in Jake’s doorway for several moments, watching as he slept, wondering if I would ever feel whole again after this. Sure, Jake would be sad for a little while, but his life would go on, and he would be introduced to new people, pushing the memory of me far from his mind. I, on the other hand, would head back to my quiet townhouse, with my tiny little planters out front. No husband, no child, and no man I had fallen in love with through all of this. I would be completely alone again, and the thought kind of terrified me.
I walked out of the bedroom and down the hall to the kitchen, shuffling along the floor and stopping at the counter. Luke opened the fridge and took out a beer, twisting off the top and handing one over to me. He clinked the neck of his bottle against mine and gave me a huge smile. He took a deep breath and moved closer to me, causing the pain in my heart to increase ten-fold. Just being near him right then was more than I could stand, and I just wanted to get away. If I couldn’t be with him, then I needed space in order to heal.
“Quinn,” he said, lifting his bottle. “I want to thank you again. Without you, I don’t know where Jake and I would be. You made all of this possible with your selfless sacrifice, and your love for Jake. I don’t know how I will ever be able to repay you for the kindness you have shown us. You are an absolutely amazing woman, and we are all better people for knowing you.”
I didn’t know what to say; he made no sense to me. If I was such an amazing person, then why was he kicking me out of their lives? Why was he rejecting the obvious passion and emotion that existed between us, and not just during sex, but all the time? I wanted to be thankful for his words, but all I felt was pain and anger. I nodded my head up and down, not wanting to ruin this moment for him by unleashing my anger and fury onto him. He clinked my bottle again and took a big sip, his eyes glued to mine. I stood there grasping the beer in my hand, not kno
wing what to do. I set the bottle down on the counter and looked up at him, hurt clouding my face.
“I’m tired,” I whispered. “I’m going to bed.”
His face went from happy to sad very quickly when he realized just how hurt I really was. Before he could say anything, I turned and walked back toward the bedroom, disappearing into the dark and closing the door gently behind me. I couldn’t celebrate with him anymore; the pain was all too much.
Chapter Thirty-Five
Luke
I woke up before the sun that next morning, feeling good about the fact that I had hopefully won joint custody of my son. The social worker seemed confident in my abilities as a father and was not going to be stopping by anymore unless it was absolutely necessary. I wanted to talk to Quinn; I knew that she was still very hurt by everything that had happened, I saw it on her face the night before during my toast. I left the den and walked into the kitchen, expecting to see Quinn there cooking breakfast, but she was nowhere in sight. My heart skipped a beat in my chest, hoping that she hadn’t left in the middle of the night. I walked over to Jake’s room and slowly cracked the door, peeking inside. He was sound asleep, curled up in an upside-down ball, clutching his stuffed animals. The way that he was sleeping made me laugh quietly to myself as I remembered the conversation Quinn and I had about that exact thing. As I closed Jake’s bedroom door, I glanced down the hall to see light coming from under the master bedroom door. I approached and found it cracked open, so I stuck my head inside and looked around.