The Very Secret Diaries of the Fellowship
Page 3
Drinks: 10 Mai Tais (then impaled innkeeper on swizzle stick)
Killed: 17 human men. Go us!
Day 1,001,115
Have been following Isildur’s heir and pack of Hobbits for six days.
Aragorn obviously into Ringbearer. Sam will kill him if he tries anything.
Day 1,001,116
Got slightly over-frisky with Ringbearer at Weathertop. Aragorn went all wonky and possessive and set me on fire. And indeed, Sam did try to kill me although did not notice had been hit in knees with frying pan until later on.
Day 1,001,119
Met she-elf girlfriend of Isildur’s Heir today. Was so busy laughing at concept of Aragorn the Hobbit Fancier having “girlfriend” that inconveniently got washed away in stream.
Horse dead, armor all rusted. Must return to Mordor for oiling.
No, not that kind of oiling.
Rather a pervy wraith-fancier, aren’t you, what?
The Very Secret Diary of Gollum
Dedicated to Emily, the much put-upon. Damn, hell looks a lot like high school.
I have not bothered with Gollum's weird speech because it does not fit with the VSD style. Complaints about lack of canon accuracy can be sent to The Management.:D
Day One
Popped over to attend Pervy Hobbit Fanciers Anonymous Meeting in Misty Mountains only to discover was booby trap set by Sauron.
Stupid Sauron.
Day Five
Held captive by orcs in Barad-Dur. Have been forced to watch “Flipper” over and over until give in and tell them where Ring is. Damn evil methods of torture refined over millennia. Will not give in. Will remain strong.
Day Six
Orcs have switched to repeat viewings of “The Faculty.” Cannot cope. Have told them where Ring is.
Day Eight
Escaped from Mordor. Have made way to Shire. Am v. disappointed that in last few weeks no one has responded to personal ad placed in Shire Weekly. “Toothless, fetid greenish creature ISO blue-eyed curly-headed hobbit. Must enjoy squatting in darkness, jewelry-fondling, and referring to self in third person. No smokers.”
Day Ten
Finally caught up with Ringbearer in Rivendell, but cannot get near him as is constantly being half-drowned in bathtub by burly companion type, and have developed fear of water since being forced to watch dolphin movie 300 times.
Ugh. Strawberries. Hate strawberries.
Day Eleven
Attempt to infiltrate Council of Elrond in lawn ornament disguise unsuccessful. Was stashed in storage closet by annoying Glorfindel, where was trapped for hours while Elrond tried on all Arwen’s dresses in front of mirror, while muttering something about Legolas not being the prettiest after all. Miss days of yore, when men were men and dwarves were dwarves, and elves wore trousers. Although something to be said for Legolas’ boots-and-skirt ensemble.
Day Thirteen
Left Rivendell, following Fellowship. Sent Elrond anonymous letter telling him purple does not suit his complexion. Expect to hear screams of rage all the way to Gap of Rohan.
Day Fifteen
Cannot believe men still using hoary old ‘Blow the Horn of Gondor’ pickup line. Remember when original plans to have Xylophone of Gondor scrapped by Steward in favor of silly-looking horn. Now know why.
Too bad for Isildur’s Heir, who has no Horn of Gondor (and hobbits have expressed no interest in his stubble collection) since he obviously fancies Frodo. Sam will kill him if he tries anything.
Day Thirty
V. cold on top of Caradhras. Everyone wants to carry Frodo up mountain. Nobody wants to carry me up mountain.
Stowed away in Legolas’ backpack but excessive nancing was not good for stomach. Have been sick all over elf collection of hair care products. Hope he does not notice.
Day Thirty One
V. Dark in Mines of Moria. Bad for ogling. Have been following sounds of Legolas complaining loudly about state of his backpack and dank air of Moria being bad for his skin. Gandalf stuck gum in his hair while he wasn’t looking. Rather like Gandalf. Always has gum.
Day Thirty Three
Met up with Balrog in nattily decorated subterranean bachelor pad. Balrog v. mopey. Still carrying torch for Gandalf. Told him best course of action was to try to talk it out, explain to Gandalf that while they are two extremely different people, with value systems and lifestyles that are in complete opposition to each other's, romance not ruled out. Balrog said this sounded like meaningless New Age claptrap. Told Balrog to get out of Second Age, start living in the now.
Day Thirty Four
Balrog-Gandalf conversation did not go as well as hoped, resulting in gory death of both. Perhaps was not cut out to be matchmaker after all.
Lurked and observed big hobbit cuddlefest on rocks. Nobody ever wants to cuddle me, just because am misshapen and covered in slime, so unfair. Gimli no big looker either but gets mad schnoogles from Boromir anyway.
Day Thirty Six
In Lothlorien. Attempt to lure Indistinguishable Backup Hobbits away from Ringbearer by placing carrots around was foiled when Legolas found carrots and used them to make facial mask. Aragorn told him was embarrassed to be seen with him while face covered in carrot mulch. Legolas complained he is not getting any younger. Aragorn pointed out he wasn’t exactly getting any older, either.
Day Thirty Nine
Nobody hitting on me. Cannot cope. Off to stalk Ringbearer in Mordor. Perhaps after bite off his finger and steal Ring, he might not mind having dinner with me. Will just have to figure out how to get around Sam first.
The Very Secret Diary of Arwen Undomiel
Day One
Broke up with Aragorn today. He would insist on giving me a clay pipe and a pair of breeches for Valentine’s Day when I specifically requested a nightie. Have sent him away from Rivendell.
Day Two
Bored and lonely. Regret having sent Aragorn away. So what if he wanted me to dress up in a curly wig and hop around on my knees during intimate moments? Am sure other humans have equally odd hangups. Wish I could be interested in Elf men, but ever since debacle with Glorfindel back in Second Age when he accused me of copying his hairstyle, have given up on my own kind.
Day Three
Someone’s been trying on my dresses again. They are all stretched out of shape, especially the purple one.
Day Six
Legolas got all shirty when I accused him of trying on my dresses. He says I have impugned his masculinity. What masculinity?
Day Eleven
Legolas still sulking. Says other elves making fun of him now since whole dress-trying-on-incident. Says they no longer take him seriously as a man. He must have missed it when Daddy called him “the gayest gay elf that ever nanced down the pike” at last Council meeting. Or maybe he just didn’t understand it; he’s awfully pretty, but not so bright.
Day Thirteen
Too, too, too bored. Perhaps will leave Rivendell in search of adventure, or shopping.
Day Fifteen
Went all the way to the Gap of Rohan only to find there is no Gap in Rohan. Not even a Banana Republic. False advertising!
Day Seventeen
Went to Bree. Asked Barliman if had seen Aragorn lately. Barliman said, “What, that pervy hobbit-fancier?” Told him he must be thinking of other Aragorn son of Arathorn. He said, “The ‘Still Not King guy, right?’ Did not respond; some people don’t deserve my conversation.
Day Eighteen
Have been following Aragorn for two days now. Have never really seen hobbits close up before. Suddenly business with curly wig and prosthetic feet starting to make sense. V. annoyed. Slow burn.
Day Twenty
Doesn’t he ever wash his hair when I’m not around?
Day Twenty-Four
Is official. Aragorn a complete pervy hobbit-fancier. Is obviously into little blue-eyed hobbit Frodo. Sam will kill him if he tries anything.
Day Twenty-Five
Cornered Sam whil
e he was out looking for herbs. Explained to him exactly how was possible to kill human men instantly and silently using just a fork and a rubber band. Turned him around, gave him little push in Aragorn’s direction… alas no dice. “But we need him to protect Frooodo, scary elf lady!”
Whingy little hobbit, I’ve no patience at all.
Day Twenty-Six
Finally decided to take care of Aragorn myself; was about to slit his cheating throat when was distracted by howling moans of Ringbearer. Decided to annoy Aragorn by hobbit-napping bite-sized hero and taking him for extended pony ride.
Little hobbit really rather adorable, blast him.
Cannot believe am getting all swoony over hobbit. Repeat to self: “Aloof, unavailable elf princess. Aloof, unavailable elf princess.” Especially cannot believe am getting all swoony over greenish-looking, half-dead hobbit.
Day Twenty-Seven
Chased by Ringwraiths. So tedious. Off to Rivendell.
Day Twenty-Nine
Well, really. Cannot even get near Ringbearer, as Sam is always there, plus caught Aragorn sneaking around in shrubbery by hobbits’ quarters. Claimed he was looking for shard of Narsil he had misplaced.
Day Thirty
Hobbits such a bother. Kitchen staff fussing — all out of carrots. Bathroom staff fussing — all out of strawberry scented bath bubbles. Legolas fussing — will not let me go to Council meeting as then he will not be prettiest. Strain is obviously getting to Daddy. Asked me yesterday in haggard manner whether I thought purple suited his complexion. Told him of course not, he is so obviously an autumn.
Day Thirty-Two
Spent all day hanging about on bridge looking pretty before Aragorn happened along. Accused him point-blank of hobbit-fancying. He told me that Isildur had been a pervy hobbit-fancier, and he was just trying to build his career in a similar fashion. Told him: “You are Isildur’s heir, not Isildur himself.” To which he replied, "If only you were a bit shorter, and had bigger feet.”
Day Forty
Spent quite the night with Gimli. Those braids! That axe! I am smitten. No more hobbits for me, it is dwarves all the way now. Well, perhaps might just pop by one last time to watch Sam give Frodo his bath. After all, I didn’t filch that bathroom key out of Aragorn’s pocket for nothing.
The Very Secret Diary of Elrond
Was in weird mood when I wrote this one. Oh, my head. Poor Elrond.
Day 1:
Bad breakup with Isildur. As if the pervy hobbit-fancying wasn't bad enough, he would insist on wearing tacky gold jewelry against my advice. Confirms my suspicions that humans not just weakest race of Middle-Earth, but also cannot accessorize worth a damn.
NB: Big battle, we won, Sauron defeated. Plundered Barad-dur but notable lack of pretty things to take home. Sauron's decorating tastes definitely running towards black, knobbly, tattered look. So not me.
Day 3:
Isildur set upon by orcs and killed. Told him his poor dress sense would attract all the wrong sorts.
Day 2,0045:
So bored in Rivendell. Have decided to hold council meeting and name it after myself. Will invite all eligible males of Middle-Earth who have nothing better to do on a weekend to come. Go me!
Hope Legolas does not attend; still remember party in Second Age where he disappeared mysteriously, along with two gallons of my favorite strawberry bath suds, a bottle of olive oil, and three of those tiny hobbit creatures from the Shire Isildur was so strangely fond of.
Day 200048:
Drat. Legolas first one to RSVP to my party invitation. Wish he would not use scented pink stationary as makes me sneeze. Did however offer to bring game of Twister to play. Along with disco ball I borrowed from Sauron back in First Age, should make for quite the party.
Day 200050:
Unexpected surprise as Gandalf stopped by, apparently just to have a whinge about big fight he had with Saruman. Tuned him out — do I look like an Agony Aunt? Why does everyone come to me with problems?
Day 200051:
Gandalf does not like Twister idea and has rejected my suggestion of a polka music theme for the Council. Instead insists we sit around and talk about boring old fate of Middle Earth, defeat of ultimate evil, blah blah blah. Don't see why we all have to suffer just because Isildur couldn't give up his jewelry habit.
Day 200059:
Gandalf made me return disco ball to Sauron. Told me to sort out my priorities. He should talk — he's the one who attracted a crowd this afternoon with that pointy hat trick he likes to do. Glorfindel so horrified by pointy hat trick he would not stop sobbing spasmodically until was calmed by liberal application of hobbit weed. New generation of elves such wimps.
Day 200061:
Everyone finally arrived for party — oh wait, I mean boring-ass Secret Council Meeting. Ponced off myself to have a sulk, and bumped into smallest hobbit hanging about the greensward. Took him for inanimate lawn ornament at first, but soon was furnished with proof that he was very much alive. Says his name is Pippin. Perhaps Isildur was onto something with all those hobbits after all.
Day 200068:
All right, who's been using all my strawberry bath bubbles?
Certainly wasn't Aragorn, judging by the state of *his* hair.
Day 200071:
Loud giggly splashy noises emanating from first floor bathroom. No one can get in. Legolas practicing his nancing in the meeting hall, Boromir hanging about the shards of Narsil, obviously hoping Aragorn will show up, and Gandalf still breaking in new pointy hat. Tried to have a quiet think in the garden only to discover someone had dug up all the carrots. Is there no peace to be had?
Day 200072:
Refused to let Arwen attend Council of Elrond, as if she does, she will certainly notice I have borrowed her tiara.
Tiara looks better on me anyway.
Day 200075:
Council very boring. Got to say "DOOM" a few times in v. dramatic voice but am afraid Ringbearer was not impressed as was busy fending off advances of Aragorn, who was making all sorts of suggestive sword comments. He better watch it. Sam will kill him if he tries anything.
Tried to cheer self up by trying on favorite purple dress of Arwen's, but am fairly sure someone was watching as could hear tittering noise coming from broom closet. Do not see what is so funny — purple dress looks fabulous on me.
Day 200076:
Fellowship leaving tomorrow. Decided to give Pippin goodbye tour of Rivendell. In process, purple dress got all stretched out of shape. Hope Arwen does not notice — she gets so grabby about her things, and since they've closed the Gap of Rohan, probably no way to get another dress like it.
Pippin told me purple is so my color. Go me!
The Very Secret Diary of Sauron
Dedicated to John, the sweetest loveliest guy who was ever hacked by a complete loser. And Alex, because he’s been sick. I mean ill. Oh, whatever.
Day One:
Dirty weekend with Elrond turned sour when I told him purple was not his color.
Day Five
Have been marched against by last alliance of men and nancing elves. Is transparent attempt by Elrond to get back at me for comment about purple. I will not take it back! I told him purple made him look like an eggplant, and it does. Is no need for him to get so shirty about it.
Day Six
Is not that being defeated by last alliance is so bad, is not even that being reduced to a disembodied eyeball is so bad, although Visine would be a comfort. But whose bright idea was it to slice onions in here?
— later-
Blast those orcs and their fondness for onion dip. Have taken their disco ball away. God, it's fun to be evil.
Day Three Million Five:
Am bored. Have been waiting for Middle-Earthlink guy to come and install DSL in Barad-Dur since second-age. Will use palantir as alternative to personal ads, as am lonely.
Day Three Million Seven:
I spy with my big-huge-nasty-flaming eye…something resemblin
g a novelty dashboard ornament. Witch King of Angmar tells me it's a hobbit. Is rather cute. On the smallish side, but I'm hardly one to talk appearances these days.
Day Three Million Nine:
ARGH! That tiny bloke has MY RING!
later…
Have sent the nine to fetch ring back. If nine succeeds in sorting their elbows from asshats, that is.
Day Three Million Eleven:
Have met v. nice bloke over the palantir. An older gent, seems to have copied hairstyle from Galadriel, but no matter. He likes me for me. Finally someone to see past the eyeball. Will send him packet of glittery barrettes.
Day Three Million Thirteen:
Tried to ask Saruman over for dinner, but lost nerve at last moment and said some idiotic thing about building an army instead. Is somewhat amusing watching him play violin for orcs and goblin men in attempt to spark romance, so will not clear up confusion just yet.
Day Three Million Sixteen:
Wonder if Saruman becoming somewhat deaf? Told him I was hoping we could delineate boundaries of relationship, instead he defoliated Isengard.
Day Three Million Twenty:
Some bearded tart with pointy hat trying to horn in on my action. Hmmm. Ex-boyfriend?
Think Saruman may have put him in guest bedroom. Will have to ask S. to clarify.
Day Three Million Twenty-One:
Elrond having another of his disastrous parties. Why was not invited? Just because have no body and cannot play twister with Legolas is no reason to snub me.
Day Three Million Twenty-Two:
Have been watching Fellowship through palantir. Ringbearer really v. pretty, I must admit, with big soulful eyes and little hairy feet. What I wouldn't give for a body and a shower-cap right now. Although bath-obsessed hobbit companion would probably kill me if I tried anything.