Since Drew

by J. Nathan

  If I thought I’d been angry before, multiply that by a thousand at the sound of his voice. Scratch that. The pain in his voice.

  Oh, hell no. Fool me once…

  I grabbed the knob, pausing for a beat as I tried to calm the jitters overtaking me. Could I do it? Could I face him? Could I hear him out without breaking down or attacking him with my fists? I inhaled a deep breath and yanked open the door. “What?”

  Drew’s head lowered, like he couldn’t even face me.

  “What could be so important that you came all the way over here to see me? What do you need to say now, that you haven’t said every time we’ve been alone together?”

  He glanced up from under his thick lashes. “Can I come in?”

  I expelled a deep breath, resisting the urge to lash out at him. I didn’t want to see him. Didn’t want to hear his excuses. Didn’t want to be conflicted as to how I should feel. But when he moved to step forward, I knew I could either stand my ground and block his entrance or hear him out. Being the last time we’d speak, I knew for my own well-being, for my own sanity, I needed closure.

  I stepped back.

  Drew brushed carefully by me, his eyes moving around my living room before settling on the chair beside the sofa. He sat down in it, leaving the sofa for me.

  I begrudgingly moved to it, thankful for the distance. I leaned back and crossed my arms, preparing myself for the words that would inevitably crush me even more than I’d already been crushed. How much was I expected to endure? And how long before I totally lost my mind? Again?

  Drew leaned forward, his elbows digging into his knees and his hands wringing together. It took some time, but his eyes finally lifted to mine. If I wasn’t so angry—hurt, blind-sided, I might’ve cared about the pain etched in them and the dark circles surrounding them. “I’m sorry.”

  My head shrunk back. “Sorry?” It was as if that one word set off an eruption of rage. “For treating me like shit? Destroying my dreams? Hiding the truth? Which one is it? Because I’m a little confused.”

  He winced at the harshness in my voice. “Stop it.”

  “Stop what? Trying to understand this insanity?”

  “This isn’t what I wanted. This isn’t how I wanted this to happen.”

  “Then tell me. How did you see this playing out? You’d tell me you’re the person who stripped me of everything I cared about, and I’d say, ‘No problem. It happens’?”

  That anger I’d become accustomed to in the hospital clouded his guilty eyes. “I wanted to tell you. Every time I saw you. Every time I was around you. Every time you smiled. Every time you laughed. I. Wanted. To. Tell. You.”

  “I guess I’m glad you waited until after you fucked me. Would’ve seriously ruined the moment.”

  He jumped to his feet. “I never should have come here.”

  “You’re right. You shouldn’t have. You should have told me the truth weeks ago. I didn’t do this. You did this.” My voice cracked and my eyes glazed with tears. “And to think. You had the balls to treat me like I’d done something wrong. What kind of person does that?”

  He tunneled his fingers through his hair. “I never wanted to hurt you.”

  “A lot of good that does me now.”

  He stared at me across the room as my chest rose and fell, my nerves on fire. I needed this. I needed to fight with him. I needed him to hear the pain I was feeling. I needed to hurt him like he hurt me.

  But even still, in that moment, he held the power to say so many things. Things that could ease the intolerable pain I was feeling. Things that could cut through the huge divide that now existed between us. Things that could make this less screwed up. But, coward that he was, he grabbed the door knob and walked out.

  CHAPTER FIFTEEN

  Logan and I, along with an empty bottle of rum, sat at my kitchen island gluing bling to the top of my powder blue graduation cap. She’d convinced me once the sun hit it during the ceremony, I’d sparkle like crazy—which somehow would make me feel better. But since half a bottle of rum hadn’t done the trick, I wasn’t banking on it.

  “Do you wish you let him explain?” she asked, treading lightly since she knew the subject was off limits.

  “There was nothing to explain.” I hated slurring. But with the amount of rum in my system, it was unavoidable.

  “But, Andi—”

  “No.” My voice rose. “He did it, Logan. He hurt me. And he knew and kept it from me.” I didn’t mean to take it out on her, but what was I supposed to do? I wasn’t dealing with it. Since Drew left my condo a week ago, I hadn’t seen or heard from him. Not that I wanted to. After everything I’d learned, everything I’d been through because of him, I needed to let him go. Let the notion of us go. And I was trying.

  Logan’s regretful expression told me she didn’t know what to say. That in itself was a freaking miracle since the girl was never at a loss for words.

  A knock on the front door pulled our drunken attention away from the uncomfortable conversation and my over-accessorized cap.

  “Do you think it’s him?” she whispered.

  I wondered for a split-second if she might’ve been right. “No. He’d never show up here again.”

  She jumped to her feet. “Let me get it.”

  I shook her off, grabbing my crutches and moving to the door. When I reached it, I paused. “Who is it?” My heart stopped for a long torturous moment.

  “Avery.”

  My entire body deflated more than I cared to admit.

  “Who is it?” Logan whispered from the kitchen.

  “Drew’s friend.” I grabbed hold of the knob and pulled the door open.

  Avery stood alone in the hallway with his hands in his back pockets and a guilty look on his face—like he’d been the one who’d done something wrong.

  “Luke?” Logan’s voice called from behind me.

  Avery’s eyes flashed over my shoulder. My head did the same. “Logan. This is Avery.”

  Her eyes narrowed and voice lowered. “I know who it is.”

  I glanced to Avery whose eyes too had narrowed.

  “She thinks I look like Luke Bryan,” he explained. “You know. The country singer. She knows I don’t like it but calls me it anyway.”

  “Add that to the list of things he doesn’t like,” Logan growled.

  My eyes jumped between them, before settling on Avery. “What are you doing here?”

  He tore his eyes away from Logan. “Drew said it was useless, but I wanted to come by to check on you.”

  “Wow,” Logan nearly shouted. “It’s nice to know good ol’ Luke cares about someone’s feelings.”

  “Avery.” The poor guy sounded exasperated. “It’s Avery.”

  My head spun toward Logan. “He’s here to see me. So take your hurt feelings—or whatever this is going on here—and go in my room until we’re done.”

  Her eyes went round and her jaw dropped. “Did you just put me in my place?”

  “Damn right I did.”

  She clapped her hands as she stood a little wobbly from my kitchen stool. “It’s about time my girl reappeared.” She gave Avery one last glare before disappearing down the hallway.

  I turned back. His eyes remained on the empty hallway. When my bedroom door slammed shut, rattling the entire condo, his eyes darted back to me.

  I jabbed my thumb over my shoulder. “You want to talk about that?”

  “There’s nothing to talk about.” He played it off like it wasn’t a big deal, but his eyes betrayed him. “Can I come in?”

  I shifted aside and he stepped inside, his eyes assessing my small condo. Instead of sitting in the living room chair or on the sofa, Avery kept his hands in his pockets and strolled over to the stool Logan vacated, leaning his tall body against it. “He’s sorry.”

  I closed the door and made my way over to my sofa, resting myself against the armrest unsure if I was ready to hear him out.

  “I’ve never heard him apologize for anything he’s e
ver done. And some of those things have been really messed up. But now he’s acting like a damn chick. He’s not eating or sleeping. And if you know Drew, you know that’s unheard of.”

  “Do you really expect me to care?”

  “He’s miserable, Andi.”

  “He’s miserable?” My voice dripped with sarcasm.

  His shoulders dropped on an exhale. “Look, I know you were hurt badly. But he can’t do anything about that now. What he can do is try to make amends, but he thinks you never want to see him again.”

  I crossed my arms. “That’s a fair assessment.”

  “I don’t believe you.”

  My eyebrows inverted. “Which part?”

  “I know you care about him.”

  “Cared about him. Cared. And not even that much.”

  “Well, just so you know, this hasn’t been easy on him.”

  I felt my cheeks heating with anger. “I’m the one who lost everything.”

  He looked around my living room, his eyes stopping on the mantle over the fireplace. Pictures of me with my parents and with Logan filled the small space. “You haven’t lost everything. You lost one thing. And from what I’ve heard, you might be able to get that back with some hard work.”

  “Please don’t try to minimize it.”

  He shook his head. “Believe me. I’m not. I just know that it would crush Drew even more if you gave up on your dream because of a setback. One he had everything to do with.”

  I scrubbed my hands over my face, feeling mentally and emotionally drained from the unexpected lecture. “What are you a therapist now?”

  He shook his head as he stood from the stool and made his way to the door. “Nope. Just someone who cares about his friend and wants to see him happy for once in his life.”

  With that, he walked out of my condo leaving me to ponder his words. Not to mention, even more confused than I’d been before.

  CHAPTER SIXTEEN

  I’d spent hours perfecting the loose curls that hung over my shoulders. Too bad all the make-up in the world couldn’t conceal the dark circles under my eyes—or the scratch on my cheek. And while it was faint, I knew it was there. Just like I knew the true cause of it.

  I reached up and set my bling-covered cap on my head, taking a deep cleansing breath.

  My phone buzzed on my dresser. I grabbed for it, my stomach instantly dipping with excitement. “Hi.”

  “Sweetheart, is that you?”

  A smile overtook my face. “Yeah, Mom, it’s me.” Tears filled my eyes as the hole in my heart shrunk slightly. I missed the sound of her voice. Hell, I missed her. “Are you guys okay?”

  “Of course we are. It’s been so difficult to get reception out here. Tell me how you’re feeling?”

  “Getting better every day,” I lied.

  “That’s wonderful. It feels like we haven’t spoken in months.”

  I wanted to say, “One month.” But why waste time feeling sorry for myself when I had limited time to talk to her. “I know. I tried calling you.”

  “What’s that, sweetie? You’re breaking up.”

  “I said I tried calling you.”

  “Well, we just called to say how very proud of you we are. We wish we could be there to see you walk across the stage. Good luck today. We love y—”

  “I love you, too,” I said, though I knew our connection had been lost.

  I tossed my phone down, feeling more alone than I had in a long time. Was this what destiny had in store for me? A long road of loneliness and disappointments?

  A knock on my front door carried me into the living room. “Who is it?”

  There was no response.

  My heart leapt to my throat. “Who is it?”

  Still nothing.

  I grasped the knob with a nervous grip and pulled the door open a crack. “Oh. My. God.”

  My parents pushed their way inside. I practically collapsed into their arms, holding onto them like I’d never let them go. “You came.”

  They laughed as we stood in a group hug in the middle of my living room.

  “We came,” my mother assured me, her beloved Patchouli oil invading my nostrils. It was so her. And she was here. Birkenstocks and all.

  “We wouldn’t have missed it for the world,” my dad added. “Our baby’s graduating college.”

  * * *

  Logan met my parents and me on the quad well before any of the other graduates so we could check out the seating arrangement, and determine my best route to the stage.

  My head twisted around from where I sat in a borrowed wheelchair. Sure, I could’ve used my crutches, but it would’ve taken me forever to maneuver the entire way, creating a major backup of frustrated graduates.

  Graduates, families, and friends would soon occupy the rows of seats configured in a massive U-shape filling the grassy area. Aisles ran on both sides with one down the center. The stage sat bedecked with potted plants, a podium with the UNC emblem on the front, chairs for faculty and honored guests, and piles of diplomas atop tables with black linen tablecloths.

  A small set of steps sat at the side of the stage, but the ramp I’d use sat behind it. So while the other graduates made their way down the center aisle to the steps amidst excited family and friends, I’d be behind the stage, rolling out when my name was announced. Logan had offered to push me, but I’d turned her down, needing to prove I could do it.

  An hour—and a bunch of pictures with my parents and Logan—later, I sat at the end of my row. The afternoon sun beat down, causing the polyester gown to adhere to my sweaty skin in all the wrong places. Having been my first all-day outing since being discharged, I could feel my energy fading quickly.

  On stage, the dean droned on about perseverance and the guest speaker recounted his rise to the top of a computer software company. Very inspirational.

  I just needed to cross that stage and be done with it all.

  When the time came, everyone in my row rose to their feet. They filed to the right into the center aisle, en route to the steps at the side of the stage. I filed into the left aisle and wheeled around the back of the stage and up the ramp. I took a spot behind the small decorative curtain at the side of the stage and waited to hear my name called.

  From that vantage point, I had a perfect view of the sea of blue graduates and their family members and friends baking under the scorching sun. I could see my parents and Logan eagerly waiting with their phones out, ready to take my picture as I crossed the stage.

  “Hi.”

  My entire body jolted and the hair on the back of my neck stood on end at the sound of the deep voice behind me.

  “We’re almost up.”

  My blond curls whipped over my shoulders. I gazed up at the dark green eyes that plagued both my dreams and nightmares for the last week. Drew wore a navy suit with the top button of his crisp white shirt unbuttoned. His hands grasped my chair’s handles. “What are you doing here?”

  He cocked his head. “You didn’t think I’d let you do this alone, did you?”

  My insides twisted. What was going on? And how could I feel excitement and disgust at the same time?

  “Andi Parker,” a voice on stage announced, snapping me back to the present.

  “That’s us,” Drew said, pushing me out from behind the curtain and across the front of the stage.

  I accepted my diploma from Dean Edwards, shaking his hand with a strained smile while Logan screamed my name from the center of the crowd, her voice carrying far and wide. I shot her a quick wave, having no idea where I’d ever be without her. I caught a glimpse of my parents looking so incredibly proud before Drew pushed me to the rear of the stage and down the ramp.

  He stopped on the path behind the stage, and walked around to face me. “Congratulations.” He forced a smile, then dropped to his knees, evening our eyes. “You look beautiful.”

  My eyes flashed away. He was not allowed to show up and do this to me. Not here. Not now.

  “You deserve every
good thing that comes your way.”

  I nodded, still finding it difficult to meet the gaze of the person who hurt me so badly. “Thanks.”

  With that, he stood and looked down at me for a long moment. He wanted to say something. I could see it in the tension around his eyes. It was me who wasn’t sure if I wanted to hear him out, or if I just wanted him to leave. I was so confused by my feelings for him. By my unwillingness to forgive him. By my need for him.

  “Andi?” my mother called.

  My head whipped around. It felt strange smiling at that moment, when Drew had sent my head into such a tailspin. But seeing my parents and Logan approaching—the three people who loved me most in the world—it put things into perspective.

  When I looked back to Drew, he’d already walked away as if he hadn’t just shown up for the sole purpose of walking me across the stage.

  Why had he?

  And why was my freaking heart racing?

  I wiped beads of sweat from my forehead as my dad leaned down and hugged me. “Congratulations, honey.” I watched Drew’s retreating form over my dad’s shoulder getting further and further away. “We’re so proud of you.”

  My dad stepped back, and my mom took his place, hugging me fiercely and blocking my view of Drew entirely. “Congratulations.”

  “Thanks.”

  When she pulled back, her eyes drifted to where Drew had disappeared. “Any chance you’re gonna tell me who that was?”

  Logan didn’t let me speak. She leaned down and captured me in a bear hug. “What the hell was that?” she whispered.

  “I don’t know,” I murmured into her shoulder.

  “Tell me you know Duke’s graduating right now. Tell me you know he skipped his graduation for you.”

  I closed my eyes and let the notion settle. Who was I kidding? No way in hell that notion would ever settle. Why had he done it?

  My parents took Logan and me to my favorite Italian restaurant by the coast to celebrate. Too bad they were the ones doing most of the celebrating, downing bottles of wine while entertaining Logan with stories of their recent adventures—which she totally loved.