The Workaholic Down the Hall
Page 22
“Why?” Mimi asked. “You've been hung up on him for years and he's clearly crazy about you.”
“He's crazy about Sophie,” I said. “He thinks he wants a relationship with me, but that's only because he's got some fantasy about the three of us being a family or because he feels obligated to take care of us. He doesn't really want me.”
Both women just stared at me. Mimi was clearly shocked, but May just looked sad. What I was saying wasn't news to her. “He's watching Sophie so you can spend the day with us,” Mimi said. “He knew you needed to get out of the house and he helped you to do it. That was thinking about you, not Sophie.”
I rolled my eyes. “Any basically decent person would do that. It doesn't mean he's in love with me.”
“It means he's a good guy and you probably ought to at least give him a chance,” Mimi said.
“He had years to fall for me, to even see me, and he never looked at me as more than a friend until I had his baby. He's excited about us both now, but I won't take advantage of that and allow him to be burdened with us. He doesn't really want me.”
Mimi and May stared at me and tears welled in Mimi's eyes.
“Sweetie, you know I love you right?” May asked.
I nodded, because of course she loved me. She'd become more than a friend to me, she was my sister in feeling if not reality.
She didn't look convinced. “I love you enough to tell you that you are talking complete bullshit right now.”
“May,” Mimi said, her tone was sharp and I waited for her to defend me. “Aubrey is severely fucked up by the fact that she was passed from family to family as a kid and never felt wanted anywhere.”
“Mimi,” I screeched. “What the fuck?”
People in the restaurant were starting to look at us, but neither Mimi nor May appeared to care. “You never told me that,” May said, looking honestly hurt. May and I hadn't had a ton of heart-to-hearts but she'd told me how she hated that no one in her family took her seriously, about how every romantic experience she'd had ended because she hadn't found anyone who saw her as capable, as strong, as the person she wanted to be.
“Mimi's exaggerating,” I said. “Besides, it's in the past, it doesn't matter now.”
“It matters,” Mimi said. “Because you're afraid to let Noah in and you're blind to the fact that the man wants you so bad he's one step away from dropping to his knees and begging you.”
I stared at my aunt. “I think you've been working so hard you've lost your mind.”
“She's right,” May said, her eyes glassy. “I'm so sorry I ever told you about Noah's over-sized sense of responsibility. It's clear every time he looks at you that he wants you. He adores you.”
Mimi put a hand over mine and got a serious look like she was about to get sentimental. “Sweetie,” she said. “You need to let the people who care about you in. You don't want to be alone for the rest of your life, do you?”
Her words hit me hard, because she was right. I didn't want to be alone. All I wanted was for someone to want me, to love me, and to need me, but that wasn't real life. We didn't all get to have love. “I've always been happy on my own,” I said, lying through my teeth. “And I'll be fine if I'm alone for the rest of my life. I'm a strong, capable, competent woman and I have a daughter to raise. A daughter who will need all the love and attention I give her.”
“Until you smother her, because you're a lonely middle-aged woman who can't let her go off to college,” May said.
“Enough,” I said. “I appreciate your concern, but I'm fine. Noah is attracted to me, but he has the good sense not to act on it. We're just friends and that's all we'll ever be.” Those words hurt coming out, but I'd never been one to let a little pain slow me down. “Tell me about you. Mimi, how's the latest trial going? May, how's George?”
Mimi and May frowned, looking completely annoyed with me, but they didn't argue. Mimi told me about work and Hank. May talked about everything except George. I laughed with them and felt so lucky to have two such wonderful women in my life, supporting me and loving me. I didn't need Noah to love me to be happy. I was just fine on my own.
***
“It looks like we're going to have a white Christmas after all,” Noah said from the front porch. He brushed the flakes off his coat and stomped his feet clean before he stepped inside. His cheeks were red from the cold and his eyes were bright. “I don't think I've ever had a white Christmas before.”
“It's certainly pretty,” I said. The mountains above us were already looking rather snow-covered, and it was sticking to the trees and the grass closer to the house. It hadn't started sticking to the road, but the temperature was supposed to drop rapidly as the day went on. “I'm surprised you drove out here.”
He shrugged. “I can stay here if it gets too bad, right?”
“Of course.” I forced a smile. I couldn't very well refuse him a place to stay, even if I hated the idea of him crossing that boundary. I'd done a pretty good job of remembering he was only a temporary part of my life, but if he stayed overnight, I might imagine him living here, might imagine waking up with him every morning. Those sorts of daydreams were dangerous. “Or you could leave as soon as it looks like it's sticking to the road.” I tried to keep my voice light, but I failed.
“I won't stay long.” I looked back over my shoulder as I walked away from him. I hated that some of the happy light in his eyes had dimmed. Hated that it was my fault. “I just wanted to see you and Sophie.”
“Sophie's sleeping. I was about to lay down, too.” That was another lie. I'd gotten a decent amount of sleep the night before - I was trying not to get too excited, but Sophie just may have figured out her nights and days.
“Go on and sleep.” His smile slipped only the tiniest bit. “I'll see if Mom needs help getting anything ready for the Christmas dinner.”
Christmas was still two days away, but Nora was already planning and preparing. I hurried upstairs to the safety of my room. I shut the door behind me with a sigh of relief. I climbed into bed and pulled up a parenting book on my Kindle. I'd read for a while and hope Sophie slept so long that Noah had to leave before the roads were covered.
Sophie, the little traitor, snorted and started screaming after only another half hour of sleep. If she slept well at night, she took shorter naps during the day. I usually didn't mind, but she was truly working against me this time.
Downstairs, I got into my usual spot on the couch and tucked Sophie up against my boob. Noah popped his head in. He was wearing an apron and had a spoon in his hand. “How does beef stew sound for dinner?” he asked. “It can cook in the crock pot all day, so if I have to leave, you'll still have something to eat.”
“Sounds great to me.” Noah had become a pretty decent cook over the past month. I hated that he cooked for me. I hated that he took such good care of me and Sophie. It made me hope and wish. I hated hoping and wishing.
“By the way, Cody and Carrie picked up Mom,” he said. “Kaylee's in some sort of Christmas Pageant, and Mom went along to see it.”
“Are you going, too?” I vaguely remembered Nora mentioning the pageant, but I hadn't realized it was today.
“I'll stick around until she gets back. I don't want you to be here alone in this weather.”
“I'll be fine.” I glanced out the window, but the roads still appeared to be clear. “What time does the pageant start?”
“Not until five. Carrie needed a hand putting the finishing touches on Kaylee's costume, so Mom went over early to help out.”
I glared out the window at the clear roads, wishing for the snow to stick so I'd have a reasonable excuse to kick him out. “There's no snow on the roads, but there might be black ice…” I turned to tell him he should head out, but he was back in the kitchen. I growled softly under my breath, and Sophie looked up at me with what I could almost swear was amusement in her eyes.
I couldn't help but smile. I rubbed my nose against hers as I moved her to my other breast.
Noah glanced out the window. “I'd rather stay here as long as I can.”
I couldn't exactly kick the man out, not after he'd cooked me dinner and helped me with Sophie. Not when he looked so comfortable in a Henley and worn-in jeans. Not when he smelled like Christmas and joy and his eyes looked so bright and — I shook my head to knock some sense back in. “Yeah, okay. I'm probably just going to take another nap.” Because I couldn't be alone with him.
He didn't give any sign of displeasure beyond a slight tensing of his shoulders. “Of course. I'll keep an eye on Sophie if you want to leave her down here.”
There was no way I was going to move Sophie when she was happy. “Thanks. If I don't hear her cry, just come get me.”
I walked up stairs, careful not to stomp out my annoyance on the steps. I wasn't even tired and, yet, I was being forced back to my room because Noah couldn't take a hint and leave. I needed him to leave, because I couldn't be around him without wanting to lean against him, to feel his arms around me, to let him hold me.
I needed him to not be around so much, to not be so helpful, to not make me think he might want me and not just Sophie. I growled under my breath and hurried into my room. There was nothing there, except a few books I'd been reading, and I felt the need to do something to work off this frustration and annoyance. Sleep wasn't going to happen when I felt this way, and I wasn't in the mood to lay around and try to read.
I dressed in several layers of clothing and pulled on my sneakers. I hurried back downstairs, stopping in the living room without looking directly at Noah. I couldn't. He had his feet up on the coffee table, Sophie in his lap. He was bouncing her and chatting with her about landscape design like she was an adult. I knew, if I looked at him, I'd see the way his jeans stretched over his sculpted legs and the way his biceps bulged as he held our daughter. I'd see the love in his expression as he looked at her, and I'd lose a bit more of the distance I'd been managing to keep between us.
“I'm going for a walk,” I said.
He straightened, dropping his feet to the floor. Sophie cooed with happiness for the little bounce she'd just gotten. “I'll come with you.”
“No. You stay here with Sophie. It's too cold outside for her.”
I walked toward the door, daring him to argue with me. “We can bundle her up really well,” he said. “It would probably be good for her to get outside.”
“No.” I spoke more forcefully than I'd meant to, but come on. I pulled in a deep breath and tried to soften my voice. “I mean, I just really want to get a walk in before the snow piles up and you have to leave. Getting her all bundled up will take time.”
Noah nodded, but his smile seemed forced. I didn't care. I wouldn't care. I hurried outside before he changed his mind. I stomped down the long driveway to the road. It wasn't the safest place to walk, but it was better than walking in the deep wet grass on the side of the road.
I could move out of the way if I saw a car coming, but it made no sense to take a stroller out there, too. What had Noah been thinking?
I walked fast and hard, working off my frustration at first and then just enjoying the exercise. I'd been cooped up in that house for way, way too long. It felt good to get out and move my muscles.
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
Noah
I bounced Sophie in my arms and walked to the window for the millionth time. Sophie whimpered and her little face scrunched up like she was gearing up to scream. I changed the bounce to a sway, and she settled down. She'd taken the bottle and been happy for a while, but she'd gotten fussier and fussier as the afternoon wore on. Maybe she could sense my tension and worry. Or maybe she just missed her mama.
“It's okay,” I said in a soft voice. “She's just out for a walk. She'll be back soon.”
And, if she wasn't, I'd strap Sophie in her car seat and we'd go out looking for her. She'd been gone over an hour and the snow was not only sticking to the road, but had accumulated about half an inch. Mom had already called to say she was going to stay at Carrie and Cody's rather than attempt the trek up the mountain. I knew Aubrey would hate it, but I was staying there. I wouldn't leave her alone in a snow storm.
Sophie whimpered again and I shifted her so her chin was on my shoulder, her belly against my chest. I didn't understand why Aubrey was so opposed to me staying over. I was there all the time, what difference did it make if I stayed the night?
At least, that's what I told myself. I knew it would make a difference to me to be sleeping in the same house as her, to be thinking about her warm in bed just a couple doors down from me, to fight the urge to get up and make the short trip to her bed. I sighed. I missed holding her and I missed kissing her and I missed her sleeping peacefully in my arms. I missed her looking at me like she cared for me, like she wasn't holding anything back. Instead, she barely looked at me at all anymore and, the more I was around, the more I tried to prove that I wasn't going to leave, that I cared for her, the more distant she became.
Finally, I saw a flash of blue, the bright blue of her winter hat, through the falling snow. Relief washed through me so hard I felt light-headed. My urge was to yell at her for worrying me, to ask her what the hell she'd been thinking, but I didn't think yelling would help my cause. I breathed deep and pushed my anger and fear down and away. She didn't need to hear it. She had every right to go for a walk, just maybe not an hour-long walk in the snow and ice.
The front door opened and closed with a thud. I heard shoes hit the floor and, moments later, a red-faced, rosy-cheeked Aubrey walked into the room. Her eyes were bright, but she looked angry, maybe worried. I knew if I played this the wrong way, she'd take Sophie to her room and I wouldn't see her or Aubrey again that evening. And I needed to see her again, how else could I convince her to give me a chance?
“How was your walk?” I asked, making sure my tone was light.
She didn't quite meet my eyes. “It was a bit longer than I'd intended. It felt so good to get out and walk that I lost track of how far I'd gone until I had to turn around and come back. I hope you weren't worried.”
“Not at all.”
When her frown returned and her brow wrinkled, I knew I'd said the wrong thing again. But I couldn't take it back, couldn't admit how worried I'd been, without dredging up the fear and anger I'd buried.
“How was Sophie?” she asked.
“She was great.” I handed her over when Aubrey reached for her.
“You probably want to get going. I'm sorry I didn't get back before the roads were covered.”
If I told her I was staying because I didn't want her to be alone, she'd shove me out the door. “The tires on my truck are nearly bald. I don't trust them on this snow.”
She gaped at me. “You have four-wheel drive.”
“It's not much use if I've got no traction with the tires. If you'd gotten back earlier, I could have gotten on the road while it was still clear.” Her shoulders slumped and I knew I'd won. I should have felt bad for manipulating her that way, but I didn't. There was no way I was letting her and our newborn daughter stay there alone during a snow storm. It just wasn't happening.
“You must be starving after being out in that cold for so long,” I said. “How about an early dinner?”
Sophie, who'd been fussy ever since she'd been returned to her mother's arms, let out a huge cry. Aubrey kissed her cheek and bounced her. “Sounds good. I'll just feed her first.”
“Sure,” I said. “I'll sit with you.”
She scowled, but didn't argue. She settled into her usual spot on the couch and I sat next to her. I'd tried keeping my distance, I'd tried being her friend, and she just kept pushing me away. It was well past time for me to push back a little. I knew she cared for me, I knew she thought of me as more t
han a friend, she just needed to trust me.
“It must be pretty out there,” I said, once Sophie was situated on her breast. “With the snow covering the trees.”
She smiled. “It really is. And once the road was covered, it felt like I was truly in a winter wonderland, far from civilization.”
“Have you ever lived anywhere with snow before?”
“Not at all,” she said. “I've lived most of my life in Atlanta, but I also lived a couple of years in Florida. Nowhere with this kind of snow. I guess I'm going to have to learn to drive in it.”
“Me, too,” I said, laughing at myself. “I'm more than a little relieved I didn't have to learn tonight.” And that was the truth. Atlanta got snow occasionally, but not often enough for me to learn how the hell to drive in it.
She focused intently on Sophie. “It's got to be a huge culture shock for you, moving from the big city to this tiny little town. You'll probably miss the city life and figure out pretty quickly that you hate shoveling snow.”
Damn, she was transparent. And adorable. “Nope. I love the snow and I don't miss the city at all. I grew up in the middle of nowhere. I like the peace. I found a great apartment with a view of the mountains, and the local university has an amazing landscape design curriculum. I'm staying.”
She huffed out a breath and my irritation with her insistence on not believing I was going to stick around ratcheted up. Nothing I could do or say seemed to convince her that I was all in. I considered my options as she watched the snow falling and the sky darkening through the window. I could argue with her or I could leave. I could waste my breath with words that would convince her of nothing, or I could stay and keep staying until she believed I was there for good, that I loved her.
“It's a relief,” I said. “To not be responsible for Dad's legacy anymore. I thought I'd miss it, but I really don't.”