The Failure
Page 14
48. BILLY VISITS GUY IN THE HOSPITAL WITH HIS NEW GIRLFRIEND, JULIA
-You should say hi at least. He’s never met you.
-But he can’t … Hi, Guy. I’m Julia.
-Isn’t she great? You’ll never believe, she’s the girl I was telling you about, remember, the leader of the Moped Marauders? But she’s also a venture capitalist in her spare time.
-More like the other way around.
-Anyway, where do I start? First of all, I took the money that was left to you, and therefore to me, and thanks for that, that was really very sweet, by your dad, and I had some guys cook up a beta thingy according to your specs—they kept telling me it was nonsense, there was no way it could work, but I had the money so they had to do what I said. Which is, I think, the first time in my life that’s ever happened. Then I scheduled a meeting with a VC group up in San Francisco …
-Menlo Park.
-Whatever. And I showed them Pandemonium, and they loved it! They’re investing like five million into … into …
-Into a working company that we can then bring to market, finished Julia. -Initial estimates of our public offering, which is less than a month away, indicate that Billy is going to be worth somewhere between half and three-quarters of a billion dollars after the IPO.
-Yeah. Which is a hell of a lot of dough, and I owe it all to you. I want you to know, Guy, I’m going to set aside a substantial sum, like at least ten million, or at least five, or something, to try to find a cure for … comas, or whatever.
-I don’t remember discussing …
-Hey, it’s still my money, darling. At least until I make an honest woman of you. And also, Guy, I tracked downViolet. Which actually was a little hard, because she changed her name. And she’s moved up to Portland. She’s been going to art school and, well, I guess obviously, painting. Anyway, she was very happy to hear about the success of your idea, but she didn’t want any part of your share of the money. She really looked good, though, Guy. I mean, she was always totally hot …
Julia eyed him disapprovingly.
-If you’re into that superficial beauty thing. Not my type at all. But she looks healthy, Guy. I think she’s quit all that junk you guys were taking. I thought you’d like to know that. She asked about you. I … I didn’t really know what to say. I kind of couldn’t say anything, you know how I get sometimes. Anyway, she smiled this kind of sad smile and nodded. I’d swear there were tears in her eyes, Guy. Well, maybe not tears, real tears, but she was close to tears. You know how when girls get close to tears, their eyes go really shiny? It was like that. I think that’s a good sign, Guy. I think she really did like you. A lot. And I think that would mean a lot to you, is why I’m telling you.
-Oh! And I found out where Sven Transvoort is. That took a little more digging, but it’s amazing what you can find out when you have money. Okay. I know you’d probably rather I have him, you know, killed or somehow crippled for life, but I’m a responsible guy now, I can’t just think of myself, or at any rate think of myself thinking of you. So I decided it would be more fun, as well as more sort of psychologically terrifying, just to send him a pizza every year on his birthday, which by the way is April Fools’ Day, how great is that? And on the pizza I have them spell out EPIC FAIL. This year I used pineapples, but I don’t want to be limited by pineapples. I want to get creative with this shit.
-I wish you’d just report him to the police, said Julia.
-That’s the thing about Sven. He was very slippery. There’s no proof of his involvement in any stage of what happened. When Violet told me all that stuff, I couldn’t believe it. But there’s no way she’d come back here and testify, and otherwise there’s no way we’d get a conviction. That’s what my people say, anyway.
He turned back to Guy. -I think my way is more Guylike anyway, right?
-It’s too bad he can’t hear you.
-We don’t know that. We don’t know what he can and can’t hear.
-Actually, we do, said Julia softly.
Billy pulled a laptop out of the bag at his side, went over closer to Guy’s head, and booted up the computer.
-I wanted to show you this. First fruits of your labor, so to speak. Here we have a typical sports website. Nothing out of the ordinary, at least at first. Until you look closer: no ads! No banners, no URLS saying, Click here to win a football! or whatever they usually say. Nothing. A completely ad-free site. Or so the visitor thinks. I programmed this one randomly, so even I don’t know what the ad is really for. I’m telling you, I still have no idea if this thing actually works or not. I refreshed the site for like twelve hours in a row last week, and I haven’t developed a craving for anything obvious.
-You started smoking, said Julia.
-I’m under a lot of pressure! And the smooth, rich taste of Camel Lights sacrifices none of the pleasure but cuts harmful tar and nicotine to almost negligible levels.
-What?
-What? My point is, Guy, the genius of your little invention is that no one will ever really know if it works or not. But they will pay, and they will continue to pay, and by the time enough scientific studies have been commissioned to decide whether or not it in fact does or doesn’t work, well, if it works, wonderful, and if not, we’ll still have the money. It’s a … what do you call that, Julia?
-Win-win.
-Oh … oh … you never saw my YouTube. This is the thing that made everything else possible. For whatever reason, the guy in San Fran … Menlo Park, the head guy, was really impressed by this YouTube video of me fighting a mountain lion, which happened after you left me down at the bottom of that hill. Obviously I’m not angry about that, because if you hadn’t, I would never have fought the mountain lion, and then … well, you know …
Billy clicked play on the YouTube video and the sounds of the mountain lions growls intermingled with Billy’s pathetic yelps.
As he watched, fat, clownish tears began to roll down Billy’s cheeks.
-I wish you weren’t in a coma, Guy. I wish you were still my best friend, laughing at my stupid mountain lion fight. If you were here, forget the money, the success, any of it, you would be rolling on the floor, literally rolling, with laughter. Nobody laughs like that anymore, Guy. I’m rich and successful and nobody dares laugh at me. It’s awful. It’s so, so awful.
Julia came over to Billy, gently held his shoulder with one hand, gently shut the lid on the laptop with the other.
-It’s time to go, she whispered.
-Okay, said Billy, weakly, drying his face with the cuff of his expensive shirt. -Okay. Bye, Guy.
49. GUY FORGET ON THE CEILING
Why no one ever thinks to look up, thought Guy, floating six feet above his body in the hospital room. Suppose they wouldn’t see me anyway. Suppose I’m invisible as air.
I can’t hear them but I can see them. I can see Marcus and Mom, and I know they’re talking about pulling the plug, or rather plugs, it’s misleading to think there’s only one plug, there’s a whole bunch from what I can tell. I wish I could convey to them: It’s okay, you can pull the plug, the thing in the bed is no longer me, it’s a shell, an empty room, and I’m up here, on the ceiling, and every day that passes I get a little bit lighter and I float a little bit higher.
I saw Violet, for hours and hours. I saw Violet cry. I saw that Violet loves me, and blames herself, and that was the one time I was tempted to come down and reinvest my body once more just so I can tell her everything that happened was exactly the right thing, and that I’m … well, I’m actually happy. I am, for the first time, and probably—though I can’t actually see the future, or can I?—will remain happy. For eternity. She’ll understand, eventually. I’ll make sure.
I saw Billy, and I can’t believe he’s actually going out with the Moped Marauder, who is by the way insanely cute, they make a perfect couple. I don’t know what he was trying to tell me, but that video of him being attacked by a mountain lion? Oh my God, that was the single funniest thing I’ve ever seen
in any of my lives.
Soon I’ll float free of this room, and after that I have a choice. I can see the bright rupture above, and every fiber of my weightless being longs to head into that brightness, and the peace and calm that dwells there endlessly.
But before that, there’s something I have to do. I have to pay a visit to an old friend. I have to go to Maine, or some version of Maine, I’m not really sure how this projection thing works, but I’ll get it down. Unfinished business, you see. When I leave, I mean leave for good, I don’t want anything tying me to this brutal plane of existence.
What I would tell those I love and have loved, what I would tell everyone who loves and has loved, what I would tell everyone: it’s so very easy, you see. You’ve already solved the puzzle of being, you solved it the moment you opened your little baby eyes and saw a relatively out-of-focus version of someone who may or may not have been your mother smiling down at you. Everything else is a distraction. The only answer in this or any other world that matters is yes.
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Table of Contents
COVER PAGE
TITLE PAGE
COPYRIGHT PAGE
TABLE OF CONTENTS
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
1. HOW GUY FORGET ENDED UP IN A COMA
2. INTRODUCTION OF THE VILLAIN SVEN TRANSVOORT, UNDISCLOSED LOCATION, SEVERAL WEEKS AFTER THE KOREAN CHECK-CASHING FIASCO
3. GUY AND HIS BEST FRIEND BILLY DRINKING IN A BAR LATE AT NIGHT, THREE DAYS BEFORE THE KOREAN CHECK-CASHING FIASCO
4. MARCUS, GUY’S BROTHER, CONTEMPLATES WHAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN, STANDING AT THE WINDOW OF HIS OFFICE IN CAMBRIDGE, THE SAME DAY AS THE KOREAN CHECK-CASHING FIASCO
5. WHAT GUY NEEDED, AND WHY: IN WHICH THE NOT ENTIRELY OMNISCIENT NARRATOR EXPLAINS THE KOREAN CHECK-CASHING FIASCO AND ITS INCITING INCIDENT, ABOUT TWO WEEKS BEFORE THE ACTUAL FIASCO. FOR THOSE INTERESTED, GUY IS SITTING ON THE COUCH IN HIS APARTMENT, WHICH THE READER WILL NEVER SEE AGAIN AND SO WE WILL NOT BOTHER TO DESCRIBE IT.
6. SUBSENSORY ADVERTISING (ENABLED BY PANDEMONIUM’S REVOLUTIONARY TECHNOLOGY)—SLIDE 23 OF A 47-SLIDE POWERPOINT PRESENTATION ASSEMBLED BY GUY FOR THE BENEFIT OF POTENTIAL INVESTORS, A PRESENTATION, AS HAS BEEN NOTED, THAT FAILED MISERABLY IN THE ABSENCE OF A BETA-TESTED PROTOTYPE
7. THE TIME GUY’S FATHER VISITED GUY IN LOS ANGELES AND TOOK HIM OUT TO DINNER AT THE PALM, ABOUT TWO MONTHS BEFORE THE KOREAN CHECK-CASHING FIASCO
8. PROMPTED BY HIS FATHER’S CONVERSATION, GUY HAS A MENTAL FLASHBACK TO HIS CHILDHOOD IN DAYTON, OHIO, WHILE SITTING IN THE RESTAURANT PRETENDING TO LISTEN
9. GUY AND BILLY DISCUSS PANDEMONIUM, SITTING IN BILLY’S APARTMENT, FOUR DAYS BEFORE THE KOREAN CHECK-CASHING FIASCO
10. GUY PREPARES TO MEET HIS BROTHER MARCUS TWO WEEKS BEFORE THE KOREAN CHECK-CASHING FIASCO
11. THE VILLAIN SVEN TRANSVOORT, STILL IN HIS UNDISCLOSED LOCATION, TALKS ABOUT GUY’S BACKGROUND, AND MAKES BROAD, MOSTLY NONSENSICAL GENERALIZATIONS ABOUT CULTURE
12. THE NATURE OF BILLY’S DAY JOB REVEALED, AT BILLY’S APARTMENT, FOUR DAYS BEFORE THE KOREAN CHECK-CASHING FIASCO
13. GUY PITCHES THE IDEA OF PANDEMONIUM TO MARCUS IN THE LOBBY OF THE CHATEAU MARMONT, TWO WEEKS BEFORE THE KOREAN CHECK-CASHING FIASCO
13A. MINUTES LATER, MARCUS GOES TO THE BATHROOM, JUST AT THE MOMENT HIS WIFE CONSTANCE, WHO ACCOMPANIED HIM TO LOS ANGELES FOR THE QUANTUM CHROMODYNAMICS CONFERENCE, WALKS INTO THE LOBBY OF THE CHATEAU MARMONT LOOKING FOR HER HUSBAND—AGAIN, ABOUT TWO WEEKS BEFORE THE KOREAN CHECK-CASHING FIASCO
14. THE NIGHT GUY MET VIOLET MCKNIGHT, FIVE MONTHS BEFORE THE KOREAN CHECK-CASHING FIASCO
15. GUY AND BILLY DISCUSS PROCEDURE IN RE: PLAN CHARLIE SITTING IN THE PROBABLY STOLEN MINI COOPER IN THE PARKING LOT OF THE KOREAN CHECK-CASHING PLACE MERE MINUTES BEFORE THE ACTUAL FIASCO
16. SVEN TRANSVOORT AT THE SMOG CUTTER, THE SAME NIGHT GUY MET VIOLET, FIVE MONTHS BEFORE THE KOREAN CHECK-CASHING FIASCO
17. THE TIME GUY AND BILLY GOT IN A FIGHT AND FELL DOWN A HILL, MERE MINUTES AFTER THE KOREAN CHECK-CASHING FIASCO
18. “OH, MARCUS, WHAT THE
FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM ANYWAY?” REMARKS THE NOT ENTIRELY OMNISCIENT NARRATOR AS MARCUS VISITS HIS RECENTLY DECEASED FATHER IN A HOSPITAL IN DAYTON, OHIO, VERY CLOSE TO THE ACTUAL TIME OF THE KOREAN CHECK-CASHING DEBACLE
19. GUY, DRIVING IN HIS STOLEN CAR AWAY FROM WHERE HE LEFT BILLY AT THE BOTTOM OF A HILL AFTER THE KOREAN CHECK-CASHING FIASCO, WRITES A SONG, AS YOU DO
20. THE VILLAIN SVEN TRANSVOORT SLANDERS VIOLET MCKNIGHT IN AN ATTEMPT TO JUSTIFY HIS ACTIONS, SITTING IN AN UNDISCLOSED LOCATION SEVERAL WEEKS AFTER THE KOREAN CHECK-CASHING FIASCO
21. THE ONLY TIME GUY VISITED VIOLET’S APARTMENT, OR, MORE PROPERLY PUT, THE ONLY TIME HE WAS ALLOWED TO DO SO, FIVE DAYS BEFORE THE KOREAN CHECK-CASHING FIASCO
22. BILLY DESCRIBES HIS FIRST ENCOUNTER WITH THE MOPED MARAUDERS, APPROXIMATELY TWO WEEKS BEFORE THE KOREAN CHECK-CASHING FIASCO
23. GUY AND VIOLET RESPLENDENT IN THE FULMINANT GLORY OF THEIR LOVE, LYING ON THE BED IN VIOLET’S APARTMENT THE ONE NIGHT SHE TOOK HIM TO HER APARTMENT, FIVE OR POSSIBLY SIX DAYS BEFORE THE KOREAN CHECK-CASHING FIASCO
24. BILLY EXPLAINS TO GUY, SITTING IN THE BAR, THE ABSENCE OF GREGORY, WHO WAS SUPPOSED TO MEET THEM AT THE BAR, WHICH HE MANAGES, TO DISCUSS DRIVING THE GETAWAY CAR, THREE DAYS BEFORE THE KOREAN CHECK-CASHING FIASCO
25. THE TRUTH ABOUT VIOLET, AS RELUCTANTLY DISCLOSED BY THE NOT ENTIRELY OMNISCIENT BUT VERY RELIABLE NARRATOR, STEPPING OUT OF THE FRAME OF THE STORY FOR AN INSTANT
26. BILLY, STRANDED ON A HILL-SIDE BY GUY, HAS AN UNFORTUNATE ENCOUNTER, LESS THAN AN HOUR AFTER THE KOREAN CHECK-CASHING FIASCO
27. WHAT VIOLET SAID TO CHARLIE, FOUR DAYS BEFORE THE CHECK-CASHING FIASCO, IN THE BACK ROOM OF THE KOREAN CHECK-CASHING PLACE, AFTER HOURS
28. DAY OF THE LOCUS. GUY AND BILLY SIT IDLING IN THEIR PROBABLY STOLEN CAR IN THE PARKING LOT OF THE KOREAN CHECK-CASHING PLACE
29. THE LAST TIME GUY’S MOM AND DAD ATE AT THE PINE CLUB, THE NIGHT BEFORE THE KOREAN CHECK-CASHING FIASCO, ALBEIT A COUPLE OF THOUSAND MILES AWAY