Attack of the Meteor Monsters

by Chris Priestley

  ‘I hope so,’ said Mr Particle with a smile.

  ‘We were just having a discussion about who among the teachers was the most dedicated and Kenningworth said it was definitely you.’

  Mr Particle blushed.

  ‘That’s very kind of you, Kenningworth,’ said Mr Particle. ‘I had no idea you held me in such high esteem. You always give every impression of being bored to distraction in my lessons. Remember when I had to wake you up that time with the Bunsen burner?’

  ‘Yes, sir,’ said Kenningworth.

  Before Mildew could stop him he leaned forward and prodded Mr Particle in the chest.

  ‘You’re solid,’ he said. ‘Or at least you seem solid. But are you?’

  ‘These are all good talking points for the next physics lesson,’ said Mr Particle with a chuckle.

  ‘Where have you been, sir?’ said Mildew.

  ‘Been?’ said Mr Particle. ‘I … I … Well, I have just actually been into the school but I appear to have slightly misjudged the settings – the settings on my … on my watch. The staff room is empty and there were what appeared to be girls wandering about. I think I need to get back to the time … to work. I need to get back to work. Run along now.’

  Mr Particle disappeared inside the bothy and slammed the door behind him. Within moments there was a flash and whine and when they opened the door again, Mr Particle and the time machine were gone. Kenningworth stared in amazement.

  ‘Look out!’ said Sponge.

  Kevin the giant floating eyeball was heading towards the bothy across the sports field.

  he boys scampered off to a convenient piece of shrubbery and peeked out through the twigs as Kevin came floating eerily over the sports field. The eyeball hovered outside the bothy, trying to peer in through the filthy windows, and then moved over to float like a balloon outside the door.

  ‘It must have seen the flash of the time machine,’ whispered Mildew.

  The boys gasped as there was another flash and familiar whine from inside the bothy. Kevin seemed to become agitated and trembled violently.

  ‘What on earth?’ said Kenningworth.

  ‘Who’s this?’ whispered Sponge. ‘Is Particle coming back?’

  ‘I rather think,’ said Mildew with a sigh, ‘that it may be us.’

  Sure enough, another Mildew swung open the door and then, just as quickly, slammed it shut. Kenningworth could scarcely believe his eyes. Seeing his deceased physics teacher was one thing, but seeing a second Mildew was almost too much for his brain to cope with.

  Another flash and whine followed and the other Mildew and Sponge had returned to the past. Kevin the giant floating eyeball drifted off again and the boys felt able to come out from their hiding place.

  ‘The aliens will have seen everything,’ said Mildew. ‘They saw inside the bothy when I opened the door. They have seen the time machine.’

  ‘Thank goodness we sent it back again!’ said Sponge.

  ‘Indeed,’ said Mildew. ‘Imagine what these monsters might achieve if they possessed a time machine. We can’t let them have it.’

  ‘But what if it comes back?’ said Sponge. ‘The time machine, I mean. What if Mr Particle has made dozens of little trips like this one? The poor man still doesn’t know he’s dead.’

  Mildew frowned.

  ‘And then there’s the werewolfery,’ said Mildew.

  ‘Werewolfery? Are you trying to say old Particle is the werewolf?’ said Kenningworth.

  ‘A bit, yes,’ said Mildew. ‘Was. He’s not one now. Because he’s dead. Although I suppose he might be one in the future.’

  ‘You mustn’t tell anyone, Kenningworth,’ said Sponge. ‘It’s a secret. The time machine. No one knows except us and Mr Luckless. Although the Headmaster knows about Mr Particle. And Flintlock. He shot him.’

  ‘Shot him? Who?’

  ‘Flintlock. He shot Mr Particle. Or the werewolf he had become.’

  ‘I thought he died of a sudden illness,’ said Kenningworth.

  ‘Incredibly sudden, yes,’ said Mildew.

  ‘And you say old Luckless is in on the time machine?’ said Kenningworth. ‘How does he know?’

  ‘He was great chums with Particle,’ said Sponge. ‘He had a bit of a visit to Roman times because he fell in love with –’

  ‘Miss Livia!’ said Kenningworth. ‘Good Lord. He brought a Roman back with him. And that bust. The one that looks like Sponge! Good grief, it is Sponge, isn’t it? It’s all starting to make sense. A bit …’

  ‘But as Sponge says,’ said Mildew, ‘you can’t breathe a word of it. You have to promise.’

  ‘But you can’t keep all this a secret any longer, you chumps. Those monsters will be after that time machine. We are in imminent danger of being vaporised. We need to find those alien criminals and quickly. Normally I’m all for sneakery and fibbing, but in this case I don’t see we have any choice – we have to tell the others.’

  ‘Kenningworth does – unusually – have a point,’ said Sponge.

  Mildew nodded.

  ‘Agreed, old friend,’ said Mildew. ‘Agreed.’

  ‘Not that it’s going to help much,’ said Kenningworth. ‘We don’t have the time machine and we don’t have these renegade aliens they are so keen on. All we have is those girls. We could give them those, though I hardly think they’d –’

  ‘That’s it!’ cried Mildew.

  ‘What’s what?’ said Kenningworth.

  ‘Come on!’ cried Mildew, setting off towards the school.

  nderpenny, Hipflask, Filbert and Furthermore, along with every other boy at Maudlin Towers, were waiting for them in the hall when Kenningworth, Mildew and Sponge returned to the school – only a short time after they had left as far as the other boys were concerned.

  ‘How did it go?’ said Enderpenny. ‘Where are the teachers?’

  ‘Up on Pug’s Peak, dangling four feet off the ground,’ said Sponge. ‘The aliens have them.’

  There were gasps from the assembled boys.

  ‘What?’ said Enderpenny.

  ‘It’s true,’ said Mildew. ‘The Neenor have them in their grip and still want these criminal aliens they keep going on about.’

  ‘Speaking of aliens,’ said Kenningworth, ‘just to make sure we get on with it, the Neenor sent this to keep an eye on us …’

  Kevin the giant floating eyeball bobbed up and down outside the window.

  ‘Aaaaargh!’ cried the boys.

  ‘You’ve already seen it, Sponge,’ said Mildew.

  ‘I know,’ said Sponge. ‘But it hasn’t helped.’

  ‘What is it?’ said Hipflask.

  ‘It’s a giant floating eyeball,’ said Sponge.

  ‘We can see that,’ said Hipflask. ‘Why is it looking at us and where did it come from?’

  ‘It’s some kind of spy for the Neenor up on Pug’s Peak. Everything it sees, they see.’

  ‘Wait a minute,’ said Furthermore. ‘Didn’t you suggest that the aliens might be giant floating eyeballs?’

  ‘Mildew has quite a lot to tell you,’ said Kenningworth. ‘About a certain time machine …’

  ‘A time machine?’ said Furthermore.

  ‘We haven’t got time for that now!’ said Mildew. ‘I’ve cracked it!’

  ‘What?’ said Kenningworth.

  ‘The girls!’ cried Mildew. ‘They are the aliens the other aliens are after!’

  The boys stared at him in amazement.

  ‘You know, I think he may be right,’ said Furthermore. ‘Again.’

  ‘Nonsense,’ said Kenningworth. ‘I’ve seen girls on several occasions and they were almost exactly the same as these specimens.’

  ‘Kenningworth is right,’ said Footstool. ‘I have a sister and she looks very similar.’

  These testimonials seemed very compelling.

  ‘Think about it,’ said Mildew. ‘Who else has arrived at Maudlin Towers recently? We were fools not to see it sooner. Let’s find out what they have to say about
it. But we must proceed with caution …’

  ‘Agreed,’ said Kenningworth. ‘You two go and nose about. We’ll watch from a safe distance.’

  ‘That wasn’t exactly what I … Oh, never mind. Come on, Sponge.’

  Mildew and Sponge found the girls gathered together in the cloisters. The sight of so many of them almost made them lose courage and bolt for it, but they soldiered on. The girlish chatter ended as soon as the boys came within earshot. Milk and Spoon came forward warily.

  ‘Greetings,’ said Mildew with all the confidence he could muster. ‘My name is Arthur Mildew. Of the Berkshire Mildews. You may remember us from our earlier conversations. My friend Master Spongely-Partwork and I wondered if we might join you.’

  ‘Join us?’ said Spoon with a frown. ‘Why? Why would you join forces with us?’

  ‘Not join forces exactly,’ said Mildew.

  ‘Quiet, Spoon,’ said Milk. ‘He just means they want to sit with us.’

  ‘Oh,’ said Spoon. ‘Why didn’t he say that?’

  ‘Of course,’ said Milk with a quick glance at her friend. ‘Please be seated. But what happened to your teachers? Miss MT2T has not returned either.’

  ‘I think it’s better if we sit down,’ said Mildew.

  Milk and Spoon sat on the low wall and Mildew and Sponge stood next to them. The other girls backed off and talked among themselves. A long pause ensued.

  Clouds rolled by above. Mildew noticed a cobweb in the floral moulding of a nearby column and Sponge developed a fascination with his thumb.

  ‘The weather is quite similar to the weather of earlier in the day,’ said Milk eventually.

  ‘Almost identical,’ agreed Mildew. ‘But that’s Maudlin Towers for you.’

  ‘Although the breeze is a little more damp,’ said Sponge.

  ‘That is true,’ said Spoon. ‘I noticed that.’

  There was another long pause in conversation.

  ‘I wonder if the weather tomorrow will be as similar to today’s as today’s weather was as similar to the weather of yesterday?’ said Milk.

  ‘Are you creatures from another world?’ asked Mildew.

  ‘Creatures from another world?’ said Spoon with a splutter. ‘Of course not. Why ever would you imagine such a thing? Creatures from another world? Creatures from another world? We are just girls. Ordinary human-type girls of the girlish kind. Creatures from another world – ha, the very idea!’

  She laughed like a giddy woodpecker.

  ‘Steady,’ said Milk.

  ‘It’s no good! He’s dragged it out of me. Yes! Yes! We are the aliens you seek.’

  She fell into enthusiastic blubbering.

  ‘Ha!’ said Mildew. ‘I knew it!’ ‘Oh, well done,’ said Sponge. ‘Stop crying, Spoon,’ said Milk. ‘Be brave.’

  Spoon managed to control herself. The rest of the alien girls came to stand alongside them and Kenningworth and the other boys joined Mildew and Sponge. Both sides eyed each other warily.

  ‘So it seems you have to hand yourself in to these Neenor creatures,’ said Kenningworth.

  ‘No!’ cried Milk.

  ‘But if you don’t they are going to vaporise us. And I have the distinct impression that it will be rather unpleasant.’

  Spoon collapsed into sobs again and Milk comforted her, turning to face the boys.

  ‘We are innocent,’ she cried. ‘You have to believe us. They are merciless monsters.’

  ‘We know!’ said Hipflask. ‘That’s the point.’

  ‘Why can’t you simply escape?’ said Mildew. ‘Why not sneak back to your space-carriage and fly away?’

  ‘We have run out of fuel,’ said Milk.

  ‘This is all well and good, but the fact is those monsters are going to frazzle our planet unless we hand you over,’ said Enderpenny. ‘What did you do anyway? Why are those horrors after you? What have you done?’

  ‘It’s a long story,’ said Milk.

  ‘All the same,’ said Mildew, ‘we probably ought to hear it.’

  he boys of Maudlin Towers quietened down expectantly and the girls did likewise, and Milk and Spoon took their places in front of them. They paused to gather their thoughts, then began.

  ‘We are sorry to have brought such danger to your planet,’ said Milk. ‘It was not our intention.’

  ‘What was your intention, exactly?’ said Furthermore. ‘Why come to Earth at all? And why this particularly dreary part of it?’

  ‘We were escaping the Neenor,’ said Milk. ‘Trying to get home. But we ran out of fuel.’

  ‘And just happened to land on the very same planet the Neenor landed on millions of years ago?’ said Furthermore.

  ‘I know,’ said Milk. ‘What are the chances? It’s like one of those amazing coincidences you get in books.’

  ‘Amazing coincidences?’ said Kenningworth.

  ‘Oh yes,’ said Mildew. ‘Books are stuffed with them. You don’t read enough fiction, that’s your trouble, Kenningworth.’

  ‘Go on,’ said Sponge.

  ‘We scanned for signs of fuel and it brought us here,’ said Spoon.

  ‘What fuel?’ said Kenningworth. ‘There’s barely enough coal in the scuttles of Maudlin Towers to heat this place as it is. If you take that, we’ll freeze. I can barely –’

  ‘Coal?’ said Milk. ‘We have no need of your coal. The craft we came in uses whiznixoflax and nothing else.’

  ‘Whiznixowhat?’ said Furthermore. ‘We have nothing like that here.’

  The two girls whispered together.

  ‘We think you may call whiznixoflax by the Earth name “jewels”,’ said Milk.

  ‘Jewels?’ said Furthermore. ‘Your vessel runs on jewels?’

  The girls nodded.

  ‘That sounds expensive,’ said Sponge.

  ‘On the contrary,’ said Milk. ‘One piece of whiznixoflax can power a craft for thousands of years and for millions of miles. Not only that, it powers our ability to breathe your atmosphere and to block the scanners of the Neenor.’

  ‘But you look just like us,’ said Furthermore. ‘I would have imagined there might be a greater diversity of life in the universe. How strange that your race should also evolve into a humanoid form.’

  ‘Oh – we look nothing like you,’ said Spoon. ‘We have the ability to make you think this is what we look like. We are able to affect those parts of your brain concerned with perception and give you this illusion. It is quite harmless, rest assured.’

  ‘So what do you actually look like?’ said Kenningworth. ‘Are you green? I saw some aliens in a book once and they were green. Lime green with little antennae.’

  ‘Not all aliens are green,’ said Spoon. ‘It’s not as though we are Riglosians!’

  This was greeted by enthusiastic chuckling from all of the alien girls.

  ‘It is perhaps better that you do not know what we actually look like,’ said Milk, her expression serious once more.

  ‘So if you found some whiznixoflax, you’d be able to escape,’ said Sponge.

  ‘We might,’ said Spoon.

  ‘Our readings show that you have quite a store of jewels here at Maudlin Towers,’ said Milk.

  ‘We do?’ said Enderpenny.

  ‘Yes. And among them is indeed the whiznixoflax we are hunting for. But we’ve searched the school and found nothing. The readings are strongest next to that badly repaired bust of you, Sponge. If we can get the jewels to our podule there may still be a chance we can escape the Neenor.’

  Mildew and Sponge looked at each other.

  ‘Oh dear,’ said Mildew. ‘I’m afraid we did have a hoard of jewels. They were indeed stored in Sponge’s bust. But they were stolen. We don’t have them any more. Sorry.’

  Milk groaned and Spoon’s eyes filled with tears.

  ‘Our scanner must have picked up a record of them,’ said Milk. ‘Right place, wrong time.’

  ‘Shame we haven’t got the time machine, Mildew,’ said Kenningworth. ‘We could pop back and fe
tch them.’

  ‘A time machine?’ said Milk, wide-eyed. ‘You have a time machine?’

  Mildew sighed.

  ‘I suppose we may as well tell them, Sponge.’

  ‘You’re right,’ he replied.

  So Mildew and Sponge told everyone assembled all about the time machine that Mr Particle had invented, about the part it played in their returning of the School Spoon, their journey to the Viking age, Sponge’s journey to Roman times, Mr Luckless and his love of the Roman Miss Livia, Lord Marzipan Maudlin, and Mr Particle’s death at the hands of Flintlock while in his werewolf form.

  Not even Kenningworth interrupted this tale, so agog were all the listeners, human and alien.

  ‘Oh – and Sponge and I popped into the future a couple of times. Into the distant future when people talk to themselves holding small flat oblongs to their heads and where biscuits are astonishingly expensive …’

  ‘I went there too!’ said Kenningworth excitedly.

  ‘And once just a little into the future,’ said Sponge. ‘To a point that is now very slightly in the past. That’s where we saw Kevin the giant floating eyeball.’

  ‘But this is wonderful,’ said Milk. ‘We can use the time machine to escape!’

  ‘Except we don’t have the time machine any more,’ said Mildew.

  ‘Why not?’ said Milk.

  ‘It’s gone back into the past,’ said Sponge. ‘It may come back if someone from the past has gone into the future. The future for them, that is.’

  This explanation seemed to exhaust Sponge’s brain and he staggered sideways dizzily.

  ‘So all is lost?’ said Milk tearfully.

  ‘Never give up hope,’ said Mildew. ‘Sponge and I have been in all manner of scrapes where we thought we were about to be squished but we’ve always managed to pull through.’

  ‘Mildew’s right,’ said Sponge. ‘Things have a way of sorting themselves out.’