Attack of the Meteor Monsters

by Chris Priestley

  ‘Go back to before the theft and rescue the jewels,’ said Sponge.

  ‘Well … yes,’ said Mildew. ‘Exactly.’

  ‘That’s very clever,’ said Ella.

  Mildew blushed.

  ‘But wait – the jewels were stolen,’ said Sponge. ‘We saw them get stolen.’

  ‘We have to try, old fig,’ said Mildew.

  ‘Let’s go, then,’ said Ella.

  ‘No … That is … the time machine … There just isn’t the room really …’

  ‘Rubbish,’ said Ella. ‘We’ll just have to scrunch up a bit.’

  ‘I don’t like the sound of that,’ said Sponge.

  ‘Well, I don’t see why I should miss out on the fun,’ said Ella.

  Ella proved impervious to all objections put forward by the boys and so they did indeed scrunch up a bit. Dials were arranged and the lever pulled and with the usual flatulent whine, they hurtled back in time.

  They crept out of the bothy and along the ha-ha, taking great care not to be seen by anyone – including themselves.

  ‘If my calculations are correct …’ said Mildew as they crept down the path running alongside the school, ‘and I think they are … then we should have arrived back just as …’

  There was a sudden crash from inside the entrance hall.

  ‘There goes Sponge’s bust!’ said Mildew. ‘Quickly!’

  Mildew hurried off across the lawn towards the kitchen garden.

  ‘Where are you going?’ hissed Sponge. ‘The jewels are this way!’

  ‘Not for long,’ said Mildew over his shoulder. ‘Come on!’

  Sponge and Ella set off after Mildew and they all bolted through the door in the high garden wall that led to a courtyard and the old coach house with its little clock on the roof.

  ‘It’s almost time,’ said Mildew as they ran across the gravel and stood together outside a small side door.

  ‘What are we doing?’ whispered Ella.

  ‘Yes,’ said Sponge. ‘What are we doing, exactly?’

  Mildew did not reply but placed a finger to his lips to signal to them to be quiet and then opened the door.

  ‘Whoah!’ whispered Ella.

  They found themselves in a vast dark space – much larger than it had seemed from the outside – containing something huge and strange, difficult, at first, to make out in the gloom.

  ‘Of course!’ said Sponge. ‘Felicity’s escape balloon!’

  ‘I felt sure this must be where she had hidden it,’ said Mildew. ‘It seemed the only place large enough.’

  ‘Well done,’ said Sponge.

  ‘So this Felicity person makes off in this balloon?’ said Ella. ‘With the jewels?’

  ‘Yes,’ said Sponge. ‘It was very annoying.’

  ‘But how are you going to get the jewels?’ said Ella.

  Ella and Sponge looked at Mildew expectantly.

  ‘I don’t know,’ said Mildew. ‘I can’t be expected to think of everything.’

  Sponge groaned.

  ‘It’s hopeless,’ he said. ‘We know she escapes. We saw her do it. This just means we are going to see her escape again. And it was annoying enough last time.’

  They waited in silence and sure enough they heard hurried footsteps.

  ‘Shhh,’ said Mildew. ‘She’s coming.’

  They just managed to duck out of sight as one of the huge doors was dragged open and Felicity Fallowfield came in, the bag of jewels in her hand. She walked towards the basket of the hot-air balloon, put the bag down next to it and went back to open the other door. The door seemed to stick and Felicity struggled to move it.

  ‘Quickly,’ whispered Mildew. ‘Find something we can swap for the jewels.’

  Sponge peered about in the gloom and saw a small coal scuttle filled with coal. Ella followed his gaze and they both went over to gather some pieces of coal and scurry back. Mildew and Sponge decanted the jewels into their pockets and then replaced them with the coal.

  ‘She’s coming back,’ hissed Mildew. ‘Hide.’

  Felicity Fallowfield strode back, picked up the bag of what she assumed were still jewels and tossed them into the basket, pausing to wonder at the small squeak that seemed to come from inside.

  She dragged the basket out of the coach house, and with the agility for which she was famed, leaped into the basket with a single bound. Within seconds, she had struck a match, lit the flame and was rising up into the air, where a southerly breeze bore her away towards Pug’s Peak.

  ‘We did it,’ said Mildew as he walked towards the open doorway, his pockets full of jewels.

  ‘Cool,’ said Ella.

  ‘All we need to do now is head back to the time machine and … wait a minute. Where’s Sponge?’ ‘I haven’t see him since we hid from Felicity,’ said Ella.

  ‘Sponge!’ called Mildew, stepping back inside the coach house. ‘Sponge! Where are you?’

  ‘There’s nowhere left for him to hide,’ said Ella. ‘It’s like he’s disappeared.’

  ‘Oh no,’ said Mildew.

  ‘What?’ said Ella.

  ‘Oh, Sponge,’ he said, shaking his head.

  ‘You don’t mean … ?’

  Mildew nodded.

  ‘He must have hidden in the basket of the balloon!’

  o long, boys! Maybe we’ll meet again one day!’ cried Felicity Fallowfield, waving as she floated away from Maudlin Towers in her hot-air balloon.

  ‘It’s getting chilly,’ she said, before reaching down to grab a cloak she’d stashed away in the basket for just this eventuality. As she lifted it up, she found Sponge curled up beneath it, revealed now like a tortoise without its shell.

  ‘What on earth?’ said Felicity. ‘But I … You were down there … I just saw you …’

  ‘I know,’ said Sponge. ‘It’s very complicated.’

  ‘What are you doing in here?’ said Felicity. ‘If you have come to try and stop me I should warn you that may not end well for you.’

  Sponge gulped.

  Felicity looked down at the bag of jewels and then at Sponge, before smiling and picking it up.

  ‘I admire your pluck, Sponge,’ she said. ‘But I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to leave.’

  ‘Leave?’ said Sponge. ‘But we’re up in the air. A long way up in the air. I don’t like heights!’

  ‘You should have thought about that before you got in,’ replied Felicity. ‘You’re weighing down my balloon. Besides, you won’t be high up for very long.’

  Felicity grinned. Sponge folded his arms.

  ‘I won’t and you can’t make me,’ he said.

  Felicity grinned, laced her fingers together and cracked her knuckles.

  ‘Oh, can’t I?’ she said.

  Sponge whimpered.

  Just then, the basket of the balloon, which was indeed flying a little low due to the extra weight, struck one of the crags of Pig’s Pike and tipped forward as it was dragged past. Felicity grabbed hold of the rim, but Sponge was hurled overboard, emitting a high-pitched squeal as he fell. He just managed to catch hold of a rope hanging down from the basket and was left swinging on the end of it like a fish on a line. His flailing about made the balloon jerk from side to side and lose height.

  ‘Aaaargh!’ cried Sponge, staring down at the boulder-strewn expanse between Pig’s Pike and Pug’s Peak. ‘Help!’

  Felicity Fallowfield leaned over the basket, stretching out her hand towards his.

  ‘Come on, Sponge!’ she said. ‘Grab my hand!’

  ‘I can’t!’ he said. ‘If I let go I’ll fall.’

  ‘If you don’t grab my hand you’ll fall anyway!’ she cried. ‘Trust me. I’m sorry. I won’t let you fall, I promise.’

  ‘I can’t!’ he shouted.

  ‘You can!’ she replied. ‘I can’t!’

  And with that plaintive cry, Sponge let go and fell. But due to the fact that the balloon had now arrived at the summit of Pug’s Peak, the fall was only a matter of a couple of feet and
Sponge plopped into a surprisingly soft patch of moss.

  ‘Better luck next time, Sponge!’ cried Felicity.

  Sponge got to his feet, watching the balloon sail away, and allowed himself a smile, patting his jewel-filled pockets and wondering when Felicity would discover that her haul was really a bag of coal.

  Sponge’s smile did not last long though as he realised he was at the top of Pug’s Peak and would have to get down.

  He was sweating and gasping by the time he reached the bottom, and decided that the only thing he could do was head for the time machine in the hope that Mildew and Ella had not left without him.

  Sponge was close to tears as he opened the door of the bothy, dreading to find it empty.

  ‘Sponge!’ cried Mildew, rushing forward to greet his friend. ‘Thank goodness!’

  ‘We were really worried,’ said Ella.

  Sponge blushed.

  ‘And you still have the jewels?’ said Mildew.

  Sponge patted his pockets and smiled.

  ‘Well done, old sock,’ said Mildew.

  ‘Do you think we have the whiznixoflax?’ said Sponge.

  ‘We can only hope so,’ said Mildew.

  In an instant they were back to Mildew and Sponge’s own time.

  ‘Quickly,’ said Mildew as he disentangled himself from his fellow time travellers. ‘Let’s get the jewels to the girls!’

  ‘Wait,’ said Ella. ‘I should really be getting back. Or forward. You know what I mean. My family are really boring but they’ll still be missing me and I think we’re having pizza tonight, so …’

  Mildew and Sponge had no idea what ‘pizza’ might be or whether having it was a good or a bad thing, but they had to agree that Ella needed to go back to her own time. Otherwise they and Kenningworth would be stuck in future Maudlin Towers and none of this could happen.

  Ella sat back down in the time machine and fiddled with the settings.

  ‘I hope everything works out,’ she said as Mildew stood back with Sponge.

  ‘Thanks,’ said Mildew.

  ‘Yes, thanks,’ said Sponge.

  There followed an awkward pause – the kind where no one quite knows what to say but where everyone feels like they ought to be saying something.

  ‘Bye, boys,’ said Ella eventually, with a weak smile.

  Then she pulled the lever, and just like that, she was gone.

  Mildew and Sponge headed back to the hall and burst in through the doors after what, to those still in there, seemed only a short time since they had left in pursuit of Ella.

  ‘Forget something?’ said Kenningworth.

  Mildew and Sponge grinned and marched forward to empty their pockets, tipping a cascade of sparkling jewels across the stage.

  ‘But how … ?’ said Enderpenny.

  ‘Mildew was very clever,’ said Sponge.

  ‘Sponge was almost killed. Tell them, Sponge.’

  ‘I was almost killed.’

  Milk suddenly walked in.

  ‘What’s going on? I’ve given up. The scanner must be broken because it’s led me all the way back –’

  ‘The whiznixoflax!’ cried Spoon. ‘Look!’

  Milk rushed over as Spoon lifted a pale pink, tear-shaped jewel from the collection.

  ‘We can go home!’ cried Milk, her eyes glistening with tears. ‘But where did you find it?’

  ‘It was Mildew and Sponge,’ said Spoon.

  ‘We travelled back in time to find Greenbeard’s jewels,’ said Mildew. ‘It was nothing really.’

  ‘Now we can escape and you will all be safe. Thank you. Thank you for all you have –’

  ‘No!’ said Mildew.

  ‘What do you mean, “no”?’ said Sponge. ‘I don’t want to be vaporised!’

  ‘They’ll vaporise us for letting them go!’ said Mildew. ‘Everyone knows you can’t trust spiders. These monsters need dealing with and I still have a plan! Mr Painly, could I have that word now?’

  Mildew and Sponge and Mr Painly gathered into a huddle. The boys and girls could not hear what they were saying but watched as, eventually, the three of them broke apart, smiling.

  ‘I have to say, Mildew,’ said Mr Painly, ‘that is rather brilliant.’

  ‘But will it work, sir?’ said Sponge.

  ‘Let’s go and find out!’ said Mildew.

  ight was beginning to fade as Mildew and Sponge and Mr Painly headed off towards Pug’s Peak. Some of their resolve started to fade too as they crossed the sports field.

  ‘This may be our most discombobulating adventure yet, Sponge,’ said Mildew.

  ‘More discombobulating than werewolves or a giant floating eyeball?’

  ‘Werewolves? Giant floating eyeballs?’ said Mr Painly. ‘How long was I reading that book?’

  ‘It’s all very complicated, sir,’ said Sponge.

  Mildew and Sponge turned to see Mr Painly in boggle-eyed panic induced by the sight of enormous mechanical spiders, who were clanking towards them.

  ‘Where are the criminals?’ boomed Zigg. ‘And where is the time machine? We have waited long enough!’

  ‘And who is this?’ yelled Tarduz.

  Mr Painly shuffled forward.

  ‘Painly,’ he said tremulously.

  ‘Where is our stuff?’ they yelled.

  ‘We won’t tell you,’ said Sponge.

  ‘You will tell us now!’ yelled Zigg, its voice a little more high-pitched than it had intended.

  ‘Shan’t,’ said Mildew.

  ‘Vaporise them!’ cried Tarduz.

  ‘We can’t vaporise them, can we?’ said Zigg. ‘Because then we won’t know anything. What about the time machine? Think what we could do with a time machine, old nebula.’

  ‘I don’t care any more. No – wait,’ said Tarduz. ‘We can use the mind-reading thingies.’

  ‘Don’t call them thingies. They’re called … What are they called?’

  ‘I can’t remember,’ said Tarduz. ‘Doesn’t matter. Thingy is fine.’

  The thingies plopped on to Mildew and Sponge’s heads and the aliens began to probe their minds.

  ‘There’s a lot of other stuff I can’t remember lately,’ continued Zigg.

  ‘Yes – I haven’t felt quite myself since we first connected with these Earthloids. You don’t think there’s a chance we have somehow been affected by their tiny brains?’

  ‘I think you’re right, old sun spot. Perhaps we should disconnect before its too –’

  ‘Now, Mr Painly!’ shouted Mildew.

  ‘John is twelve but his sister Mary is Spanish. If Mary has thirty-two oranges and John has a haircut, how many baths will they have to fill by Wednesday if they are standing on the equator and facing due east?’

  ‘What is he talking about?’ said Zigg.

  ‘I don’t know, old probe,’ said Tarduz. ‘But these creatures are feeble in comparison to us. Our brains are mighty. Theirs are the size of piznakloids.

  Think! Think as hard as you can!’

  ‘Again, Mr Painly!’

  ‘A dog has three thousand and forty-two fleas but his master has two umbrellas. If the dog is called Jack and the umbrellas are all tartan, how long will it take Susan to get from Land’s End to London if she travels three miles every alternate Wednesday?’

  The legs of the spiders began to shudder and steam gushed from the joints as rivets started to ping this way and that, making the boys and Mr Painly dive for cover.

  ‘A tree had five apples,’ called Mr Painly from the bracken. ‘One of them has twelve pips. Use this to ascertain how many windows the neighbouring house contains. Divide this figure by the number of Margarets in Hastings, calculating it to the nearest whole number and then express it as a type of fish – not including salmon or hake.’

  All at once everything went quiet. Then there was a small pop from Zigg, and after a moment another from Tarduz. Both huge metal spiders swayed drunkenly before falling over with a great crash.

  ‘It worked, Mildew,’ sai
d Sponge. ‘But how?’

  ‘I think, if our calculations are correct,’ said Mildew, ‘their brains went pop.’

  ‘Urgh!’ said Sponge. ‘But also hurrah!’

  ‘And given that they were pretty much all brain, that’s the end of them, I reckon.’

  Up on Pug’s Peak, the teachers dropped back to earth, released from the grip of their alien captors, and hurried down the hillside. Mildew and Sponge and Mr Painly rushed towards the Headmaster and Mr Luckless to explain what had happened since they had been ensnared.

  ‘But never fear,’ said Mildew. ‘We have defeated those murderous monsters and averted the imminent vaporisation of the planet. So not too bad.’

  ‘Agreed, Mildew,’ said the Headmaster. ‘Mr Painly deserves our thanks.’

  ‘Mr Painly, sir? But –’

  ‘Shhh now, Mildew,’ said the Headmaster. ‘Don’t steal Mr Painly’s thunder.’

  Mr Painly was raised up and carried shoulder high into the school with the staff cheering his name all the way.

  ‘Of all the …’ said Mildew.

  ‘Come on, Mildew,’ said Sponge with a comforting smile. ‘We know it was us, don’t we? That’s the main thing.’

  ‘Is it?’ said Mildew.

  ‘I don’t know,’ said Sponge. ‘But let’s say it is, shall we?’

  Mildew nodded.

  ‘All right then.’

  he staff and Mildew and Sponge returned to the hall, where the rest of the boys, Milk, Spoon and the alien girls waited anxiously to meet them. They were overjoyed to hear of the Neenor brain-popping that occurred on the sports field.

  ‘That’s wonderful,’ said Spoon, hugging Sponge. ‘You are so brave!’

  Sponge blushed.

  ‘Good work, you blisters,’ said Kenningworth.

  ‘Thanks, you blot,’ said Sponge. ‘It was Mildew, really.’

  ‘You have saved the universe,’ said Spoon.

  ‘We have?’ said Mildew.