The Onion Presents

by The Staff of The Onion

  “If I trim the shrubs, the tree looks bigger,” said Jeremy Wertz of Boise, ID, standing in front of his hall mirror with a pair of scissors taken from his employer’s supply closet. “See? Worth the itching, if you ask me.”

  While many consider the practice a time-honored tradition, not all Americans share Wertz’s enthusiasm.

  “I’m not going to let corporate America dictate the date or time at which I choose to groom my genitals,” said Denver resident Marcus Shannon, adding that Valentine’s Day was “invented by the razor industry” to sell grooming devices. “If you really love somebody, you should shave your pubes year-round.”

  “While Americans seem willing to chop it all off for their annual celebration of romance, personal trimming still varies by season and plummets to levels almost as low as Greece’s during the week of Thanksgiving.”

  Meanwhile, National Depilatory Council director Donna Spaulding said the sudden nationwide surge in follicular concern is understandable, but she urged caution.

  “We all want to look good and feel desirable, but it’s important to keep things in perspective,” Spaulding said. “In the end, you want people to love your pubic region for what’s inside, not just for how it looks.”

  NEWS IN BRIEF

  Area Man Thinks Girlfriend’s Sister Might Be A Little Cuter

  CANTON, OH—Local resident Matt Holm expressed fear Monday that Sheri Glass, sister of girlfriend Amanda Glass, might be a bit cuter. “Sheri’s got a slightly smaller nose, and her breasts are better,” a distressed Holm told a male friend after seeing the two sisters side by side for the first time. “And, even though I haven’t seen it, I strongly suspect that her stomach is more toned.” Holm has not yet decided whether to break up with Amanda.

  NEWS

  Area Man Creeped Out By Request To ‘Make Love’

  WINSTON-SALEM, NC—A half-naked Patrick Fuller was thoroughly creeped out Saturday, when fellow Wake Forest University senior Alicia Echols suggested that the two “make love.”

  Patrick Fuller

  “There we were, messing around on the couch in her apartment’s living room,” Fuller said. “Things were heating up, so I asked if we should go back to her bedroom in case her roommate came home. That’s when she stood up and said, ‘Make love to me, Patrick.’ ”

  “It was really weird,” continued Fuller, who met Echols three weeks ago and had gone on two dates with her prior to Saturday. “I mean, Alicia’s definitely not the type of girl who’d say, ‘Let’s fuck.’ But still: ‘Make love to me’? That’s very different than saying, ‘Let’s have sex.’ ”

  “What did she mean by ‘love’?” Fuller asked. “We’re not even dating. I mean, we’ve gone out a few times, so I guess we’re sort of technically casually dating, in a way, but it’s not like she’s my girlfriend.”

  Fuller said he was further creeped out when, upon entering the bedroom, Echols told him she was “ready to take you inside.”

  “I was thinking, this is getting kinda heavy,” Fuller said. “We were just gonna have some sex, and for some reason, she’s talking about it like our two souls are about to intertwine or something.”

  Fuller said he and Echols had kissed on their previous two dates, but nothing else. He also noted that he thought they “weren’t even hitting it off all that well,” which made Echols’ behavior Saturday all the more surprising.

  “ ‘I was thinking, this is getting kinda heavy. We were just gonna have some sex, and for some reason, she’s talking about it like our two souls are about to intertwine or something.’ ”

  “The moment I got to Alicia’s apartment, things seemed strange,” Fuller said. “She had all these scented candles lit, and there was a bottle of wine to go with the spaghetti she’d made. The radio was even turned to the classical-music station. It was really inappropriately romantic. We’re not, like, deep, impassioned lovers or anything like that.”

  “I was totally up for having some fun,” Fuller said. “But then, all of a sudden, she starts talking about how ‘incredibly special this night is’ and how she’s ‘ready to open myself up to you.’ I totally wasn’t prepared. Did she expect me to say stuff like, ‘Darling, you look radiant tonight’? Was I supposed to bring flowers? You don’t do that when you’re just having a little fling.”

  Fuller said he doesn’t know what the future holds for him and Echols. For now, he simply plans to wait and see if “everything is cool.”

  “I don’t know how things will go next time I see her. There were definitely some weird vibes Saturday night, that’s for sure,” Fuller said. “The sex was still pretty good, though.”

  “ ‘Did she expect me to say stuff like, ‘Darling, you look radiant tonight’? Was I supposed to bring flowers? You don’t do that when you’re just having a little fling.’ ”

  NEWS IN BRIEF

  Boyfriend Vows To Try Harder

  BREMERTON, WA—Area resident Len Wallace made a solemn vow Monday to girlfriend Mindy Ellis that he would try much, much harder. “I’ve just been going through so much crazy stuff these days, baby,” Wallace said. “From here on out, I’m gonna be the best boyfriend in the world.” Wallace added that they’re going to spend so much time together, he swears to God.

  NEWS

  New Roommate Hopes Five-Hour Fuckfest Didn’t Keep You Up

  OSHKOSH, WI—Roommate Brian Penderman, 26, announced Monday morning that he hopes the loud bumping, grinding, and moaning of the five-hour-long fuckfest he had with his girlfriend did not in any way prevent you from sleeping last night.

  “I’m exhausted—are you exhausted?” Penderman asked while he extended his arms in a stretching motion and yawned loudly. “Honestly, though, I sincerely apologize if all that fucking that was going on in my bedroom kept you up until the early hours of the morning.”

  Penderman, who moved into the apartment last September based on your buddy Dave’s insistence that he was an all-right guy, was never pressed for details, but openly volunteered information regarding the fuckfest’s length, the nakedness of his girlfriend, and the number of times they “did it.” According to sources in the apartment, Penderman’s most recent fuckfest was also his first fuckfest since moving in.

  “Just so you know, we didn’t plan this or anything,” said Penderman, referring to the self-described fuckfest that took place between approximately 9 p.m. and 2 a.m. “Out of respect for you, we were just going to have a quickie. In fact, I was done and ready to go to sleep after 20 minutes, but she kept begging for more.”

  Added Penderman: “You know how chicks can be.”

  Penderman gets some much-needed calories after repeatedly satisfying his girlfriend, all night long.

  Confessing that the fuckfest had taken a considerable toll on his body, Penderman voiced numerous complaints ranging from aching arms to chafed knees to a sore penis. Penderman went on to explain that the reason his penis was so sore was because it had repeatedly entered and exited a female vagina the night before.

  “Penderman, who moved into the apartment last September based on your buddy Dave’s insistence that he was an all-right guy, was never pressed for details, but openly volunteered information regarding the fuckfest’s length, the nakedness of his girlfriend, and the number of times they ‘did it.’ ”

  While his girlfriend reportedly hurried out of the apartment at 7 a.m. in order to return to her hometown of Shawano and was therefore unavailable for comment, Penderman apologized on her behalf for all the loud, crazy sex noises you must have been hearing. Penderman admitted, however, that he was not prepared to discount the likelihood of another fuckfest occurring very soon.

  “I can’t say it won’t happen again, because she’s talking about taking the bus down here in August,” Penderman said. “You might want to go away that weekend. But if you are around, I’ll slip a note under your door saying ‘Having fuckfest’ and you’ll know.”

  “Not that you wouldn’t know anyway,” he added, despite your repeated insistence that
you in fact slept very well. “As you might have noticed, she’s a bit of a moaner.”

  Though Penderman established that he has not seen you bring home anyone in months, he stated that he would not be opposed to you having a fuckfest.

  “This is your home, you should be able to bang all night long anytime you want—like I did,” Penderman said. “I’d be happy to ask my girlfriend if she knows anybody who might be interested in you.”

  Throughout the day and then again that afternoon when you returned home from running errands, Penderman continued to express regret that “this place reeks of sex,” which he blamed equally on the considerable amount of intercourse he was having over and over again yesterday and the apartment’s thin walls. Penderman added that he would be glad to buy a scented candle or air freshener at the store this evening, when he goes to replace the large number of condoms he used the previous night.

  “Fuckfests are not all fun and games, my friend,” Penderman added. “It’s a lot of hard work just to keep going on and on and on. I mean, you heard us, right?”

  Before your departure from the apartment for the night, Penderman offered to have an open discussion about the fuckfest “when you’re ready,” in order to answer any questions you might have about the fuckfest and to assure you that he will try to conduct future fuckfests in a way that will not cause you to feel uncomfortable or jealous to be living with a guy who gets it so regular.

  NEWS IN BRIEF

  Man Adds A Few Personalized Tracks To Standard New-Girlfriend Mix CD

  SPRINGFIELD, MO—Wanting to add something special for new love Danielle Welter, Andy Mansfield, 24, burned three personalized tracks Monday onto his standard new-girlfriend mix CD. “Danielle loves that No Doubt song ‘Running,’ so I threw that on there just for her,” Mansfield said. “And she doesn’t really like rap, which [previous girlfriend] Erica [Hollings] loved, so I took off [Salt-N-Pepa’s] ‘Whatta Man’ and replaced it with two Aretha Franklin songs, because Danielle loves the oldies.” Mansfield said he expects Welter to love the mix “even more than Erica did, maybe even as much as Christine.”

  NEWS

  Bar Skanks Announce Plan To Kiss

  COLUMBUS, OH—In an announcement that received wide attention throughout Wolverine’s Tavern Tuesday, bar skanks Stephanie Fletcher and Jessica Keneally stated that they would share a passionate kiss at an unspecified time that evening.

  “Steph and I are totally hot for each other,” Keneally said over the loud music to several unspecified bar patrons. “We’re going to make out. We don’t care who’s watching.”

  According to eyewitnesses who looked up the second they walked in the door, the 22-year-old skanks arrived at the bar at approximately 10 p.m, dressed in their usual skank attire of low-cut tank tops paired with either low-rider jeans or a short skirt, and exposed, brightly colored thongs.

  After downing their third cosmopolitans, the two skanks stood up and began grinding to the R. Kelly song “I’m a Flirt,” which caused a nearby conversation about the Cleveland Indians to come to a sudden halt.

  “Quit staring,” Keneally said to the approximately 25 male patrons in the immediate vicinity, all of whom were by that time involuntarily ogling the skank-ass pair. “Oh my God, you guys are such pervs.”

  Fletcher would neither confirm nor deny that the kiss would involve tongue, saying that bargoers “would just have to wait.”

  “Who knows what will go down,” Fletcher said as she reached into Keneally’s tight top and tweaked her left breast with her thumb and middle finger in front of seven rapt onlookers. “Possibly us.”

  The skanks pose for one of the hundreds of pictures taken over the course of the night.

  In previous months, Keneally and Fletcher have, either separately or together, shown off their lower-back tattoos, held a loud conversation about who had the larger breasts, and displayed their oral sex techniques on bottles of Bud Light. Neither is a lesbian.

  “ ‘You mean the one that flashed her tits last week is gonna make out with the girl who was telling everyone she wasn’t wearing any underwear? Whatever.’ ”

  “Those chicks are all over each other—awesome!” said 24-year-old Matt Lalley, one of dozens of slightly intoxicated males who, despite their highly evolved brains, were unable to stop looking at the suggestive twosome. “This is going to be the best night of my life.”

  As the evening wore on, the skanks’ hair grew lank and stringy, increasingly clinging to their sweaty faces despite frequent coquettish head tosses. The heat and close quarters of the small bar also caused the sparkly body makeup worn by Fletcher to collect in the crevices of her collarbone and between her breasts. According to Wolverine’s bartender Helene Dorman, the skanks also left thick hot pink lipstick prints on their drink glasses.

  However, none of these factors resulted in any decrease in the amount of attention paid to the skanks.

  “I just can’t look away,” said Frank Sturm, watching as Keneally leaned over the pool table to display her plunging neckline for the ninth time. “And the thing is, the one in the skirt isn’t even all that hot.”

  “I’d really like to think I’m above this,” Sturm’s friend, Greg Kleist, added. “But what can I say? I’m not. They’re totally going to kiss.”

  Not everyone was as enthusiastic about the pair’s announcement. A 28-year-old female bar patron rolled her eyes at the girls’ predictable antics, and was immediately dismissed by Fletcher and Keneally as “jealous.” The bartender reported that she’d seen similar scenes play out on countless other evenings.

  “You mean the one that flashed her tits last week is gonna make out with the girl who was telling everyone she wasn’t wearing any underwear?” Dorman asked while setting out newly washed glasses. “Whatever.”

  As of press time, the pair had still not kissed, as they were rumored to be waiting for someone to buy them another drink before astonishing onlookers with their shocking intra-gender lip-lock.

  NEWS IN BRIEF

  Girlfriend Loves Spending ‘Alone Time’ With You

  SAGINAW, MI—According to your girlfriend, your request for some “alone time” this afternoon sounds fantastic, and she’d love nothing more than to do that with you. “We could go to the farmers market, or even just read in the park together,” your girlfriend said. “Or we could go on a long walk by ourselves. This is great—we haven’t had any alone time in months.” Sources close to your girlfriend said she has already contacted two other couples she knows, to see if they’re free to do a small alone-time thing around 8 p.m.

  NEWS

  Dream About You Not Sexual, Coworker Reports

  BURLINGTON, VT—In an impromptu conversation held in the elevator of your office building Monday, coworker Andrew Pagano announced that he had a dream about you the previous night. In the moments following the announcement, Pagano added that he “just thought you’d find that funny” before assuring you that the dream wasn’t what you’re thinking.

  Pagano describes his “completely platonic” dream.

  “I just thought it was weird, just because you and I have been working so many hours together on this Hendricks account, and now you’re popping up in my dreams,” said Pagano, chuckling nervously and taking a single step back. “Ha, no, totally G-rated.”

  He then issued a number of additional statements in rapid succession, confirming that you had all your clothes on, the dream was really short, and it was actually one of those dreams where no one has faces. Upon reaching the door to your office, witnesses said, he playfully slugged you on the shoulder and walked back to his cubicle.

  According to company records, Pagano graduated from Pennsylvania State University in 1991 with a degree in marketing, and since May 2005 has worked in your office as a senior account manager. In the past three years, he has had an estimated 18 separate dreams featuring you; however, this is the first time the 39-year-old has acknowledged one publicly.

  “In the past three years, he has had an esti
mated 18 separate dreams featuring you; however, this is the first time the 39-year-old has acknowledged one publicly.”

  “Really, I have dreams about people from work all the time,” Pagano said less than an hour later, when he returned to your desk to reiterate the complete lack of erotic undertones in his dream. “It wasn’t like that. My friend Paul was there, too.”

  “Besides, it’s not like I can control what I dream or anything,” he continued. “Not that you needed controlling in it. It’s—do you dream a lot, too?”

  Despite your assurances that everything was fine and that you were not mad, just working, Pagano persisted in his attempts to convince you of the dream’s innocence by describing what you both were doing in the dream—working together at a Baskin-Robbins—and questioning how logical it would be to tell you about a dream if it were a sex dream.

  “Don’t worry, if I ever had a dream where you and I were … you know, like that, I’d keep it to myself,” Pagano said. “Not that it has happened. Because it hasn’t. Because if it had, I’d tell you now, obviously. Because, you know, I brought it up, and, yeah.”

  He then attempted to change the subject to last week’s staff meeting with CFO Mark Gentry, but, after several moments, abandoned the new conversational direction to clarify that it wasn’t because you’re not a very attractive woman.

  “I really got to cut out the spicy foods before bedtime, is what it is,” Pagano said. “I’ve been having the craziest dreams ever since my divorce.”