The Onion Presents
Page 5
In the years prior to his appointment, Blaine tirelessly supported nearly 8,000 Americans as they braved the roller-coaster ride that is modern romance.
“ ‘He told me to take a chance on that nerdy-but-nice tech-support guy at work, because, as Garrett put it, ‘He may wear a Star Trek necktie, but he’s better than those Klingons you’ve been dating!’ ”
“If it weren’t for Garrett, I’d probably be with yet another guy who’s more committed to his health-club membership than to me,” said Alyssa Ennis, an insurance-claims adjuster from Saginaw, MI. “Instead, he told me to take a chance on that nerdy-but-nice tech-support guy at work, because, as Garrett put it, ‘He may wear a Star Trek necktie, but he’s better than those Klingons you’ve been dating!’ ”
Continued Ennis: “Neil and I have been together for more than a year, and we just got engaged! Thanks, Garrett!”
Another American who has benefited from Blaine’s help is Santa Fe, NM, bookstore employee Andrea Adkins. In 1996, Adkins was 100 pounds overweight and involved with a man who constantly derided her appearance.
“I was very unhappy with this guy,” Adkins said, “but I felt that, looking the way I did, beggars can’t be choosers.”
Outraged by Adkins’ predicament, Blaine closed his shop and moved in with her. “I took one look at Andrea,” Blaine said, “and I immediately thought, now there’s a gal who needs a flamboyant, frank-talking sidekick.”
Over the course of the next year, Blaine coached, coaxed, and cajoled Adkins down to a svelte 110 pounds. He also encouraged her to pursue the open position of children’s-section manager at her bookstore and helped her gain enough self-respect to dump her no-good boyfriend once and for all.
“Garrett saved my life,” Adkins said. “There has been a 180-degree turnaround in the way I look at things. Instead of being the beggar, now I’m making them beg. As Garrett says, ‘You go, girl!’ ”
Blaine offers support and encouragement to La Crosse, WI, brewery worker Bob Sharpe, whose wife recently cheated on him.
Blaine’s clientele is not entirely female. Brad Cochrane of Shreveport, LA, contacted Garrett in November after a second attempt to reconcile with his girlfriend failed.
“ ‘At first, I was kind of uneasy about Garrett’s homosexuality. But after I found out he probably never actually does it with a man, he became safe and non-threatening.’ ”
“When I picked up Garrett at the airport, the first thing he did was put his hands on his hips, cluck his tongue, and say, ‘Brad, old buddy, do we ever have our work cut out for us,’ ” Cochrane said. “I had no idea what he was talking about. But then he gave me the news.”
Blaine, Cochrane recalled, bluntly informed him that his number-one roadblock to reconciling with his girlfriend was his slovenly wardrobe.
“We went straight to the mall, where I tried on clothes as ZZ Top’s ‘Sharp Dressed Man’ blasted over the P.A.,” Cochrane said. “Garrett chose enough Armani suits and Hugo Boss casual wear to outfit an army. I told him I didn’t have enough money for all that stuff, but Garrett just said, ‘Baby, you just need to hop on board a certain train called the American Express.’ ”
After receiving a crash course in etiquette from Blaine, Cochrane unveiled his new look to his girlfriend at a fancy French restaurant. Sure enough, she agreed to give him another chance.
“I’d still be sitting home alone in my pizza-sauce-stained sweatpants if not for Garrett,” Cochrane said. “He’s a real straight shooter.”
Informed of Cochrane’s use of the adjective “straight” in describing him, Blaine emitted a mock shriek.
Though Blaine is renowned for his skills as a pal and confidante, little is known about his own love life.
“Garrett has been out of the closet for years, but I can’t remember him ever having a steady boyfriend or even a date,” Adkins said. “In fact, I’ve never even seen him kiss a man. Isn’t that strange? It’s almost like he’s asexual.”
“At first, I was kind of uneasy about Garrett’s homosexuality,” Cochrane said. “But after I found out he probably never actually does it with a man, he became safe and non-threatening.”
Blaine will have his work cut out for him Thursday, his first official day in his new position: Karyn Robles of Grand Junction, CO, has not yet told her boyfriend that she hates his new moustache. Joe Barents of Huntington, NY, is still waiting in vain for a phone call from a lingerie model with whom he had a blind date two weeks ago. And Meredith Crouch of Durham, NC, was recently asked to dinner by her boss, with whom there has long been a simmering mutual attraction, but she feels it might jeopardize her career. Should she or shouldn’t she?
“Hold the fort, buckaroos,” Blaine said. “It’s Garrett to the rescue!”
NEWS IN BRIEF
Cosmopolitan Releases 40-Year Compendium: 812,683 Ways To Please Your Man
NEWS
Study: Casual Sex Only Rewarding For First Few Decades
ARLINGTON, VA—An alarming new study published in the International Journal of Sexual Health reveals that casual sex, the practice of engaging in frequent, spontaneous sexual encounters with new and exciting partners, may only provide unimaginable pleasure and heart-pounding exhilaration for, at most, 25 to 30 years.
This couple may be having fun now, but there could be cause for regret a quarter-lifetime later, researchers say.
“People who choose to participate in random, no-strings-attached lovemaking sessions with sexually adventurous strangers should be advised that this type of behavior is only incredibly liberating for the first quarter-century or so,” said Dr. Loren Sullivan of Yale University, who coauthored the study on the long-term side effects of living out one’s wildest fantasies on a semi-weekly basis. “Though sometimes it can be longer.”
The study observed 100 sexually active volunteers who were not tied down by dull, passionless relationships and were therefore able to have sex with whomever they wanted, whenever they wanted. A control group of individuals who were married or had otherwise allowed their erogenous zones to fall into complete and utter numbness was also monitored for comparison.
Researchers found that those who regularly achieved mind-blowing orgasms without the expectation of commitment often experienced mild feelings of loneliness and a passing regret after as little as three decades of pure physical bliss free of emotional complication.
“ ‘People who choose to participate in random, no-strings-attached lovemaking sessions with sexually adventurous strangers should be advised that this type of behavior is only incredibly liberating for the first quarter-century or so.’ ”
“There’s a troubling number of adults who spend their prime sexual years in complete coital abandon, then have nothing to show for it but dozens upon dozens of highly detailed erotic memories,” Sullivan said. “They must be so empty inside, one would think.”
Other common, albeit latent, secondary effects noted in the study include mild disappointment and mid-afternoon crankiness, as well as a lingering need for additional casual sex. Researchers could not conclusively establish a link between anonymous, passionate trysts in nightclub bathrooms and these results, however, as a large portion of the polling group was found to be asymptomatic.
One participant, California native Greg Pertzborn, told researchers he sometimes wonders if the 30 years he spent beneath a different gorgeous woman every night were worth the periodic flickers of gloominess he began experiencing at the age of 59.
“When I think back on the countless times I’ve had raw, almost bestial sex, indoors or outdoors, with one, sometimes two Asian women whose parents I’ll never have to meet, I occasionally get a little down,” Pertzborn said. “God, what if I wasted my life having guilt-free, uninhibited, sensually explosive sex with anyone I wanted?”
Sullivan and his team plan to continue the study, saying they expect to find that the unattached, sexually satisfied persons between the ages of 20 and 30 whom they have been monitoring will feel compelled to settle d
own with a single partner and begin discussing joint checking accounts “any day now.”
“Tragically, it’s quite possible that many of these singles may never realize how miserable a lifetime of phenomenal, kinky sex can make them,” said Sullivan, adding that recent evidence suggests such a healthy, rational realization could be further hindered by the experience of spontaneous oral sex behind the bushes at poolside cocktail parties.
Although the study has not yet caused any perceptible reduction in the popularity of having casual sex, proponents of the report, like husband and father-of-four Howard Kehoe, say it provides proof that promiscuity is not “the endless carnal thrill-ride” it is often made out to be.
“I am so thankful that I never acted on my natural impulses and engaged in a sweaty, toe-curling, life-affirming romp with that knockout I saw in the park last week,” Kehoe said. “I may die having only caressed the naked, goose-pimpled flesh of two women on the entire planet, including my wife, but at least I know I’ll never have to endure a burst of fleeting regret long after I’ve retired.”
“That’s one sensation I never want to experience,” Kehoe added.
NEWS IN BRIEF
Valentine’s Day Coming A Little Early In Relationship
MONROE, MI—Area resident Todd Munde, who has been dating Lisa Watros for the past three weeks, lamented Monday that Valentine’s Day is coming a little early in the couple’s relationship. “It’s kind of weird to be doing the whole romantic flowers-and-candy Valentine’s Day thing with somebody you just started seeing,” said Munde, 30. “Ideally, we would have started dating last October. That way, Valentine’s Day would have fallen somewhere around the four-month mark. Oh, well.”
NEWS
Horrified Man Looks On Powerlessly As He Ruins Date
DAYTON, OH—What was intended as a routine first date went horribly awry Tuesday night as local man Kevin Parker, 29, could do little more than stand by and watch himself ruin his chances with 28-year-old Vanessa Carmine.
Parker says there was nothing he could do to stop himself from mentioning his former bed-wetting problem.
Parker told reporters that the date at a local restaurant began pleasantly and without incident. The two enjoyed small talk right up until the salads arrived, at which point disaster struck, and an unsuspecting Parker discovered he was powerless to stop himself from droning on like an idiot about his recent car troubles.
“It was awful,” Parker said of the date, his first in more than eight months. “One minute we were getting to know each other, and the next I was sitting there in shock, hearing myself ramble for what seemed like hours about how I’d been meaning for months to get my oil changed, but I kept putting it off, and then when I finally took it in the guy at the auto shop charged me more than the estimate, and how you have to be careful because mechanics are always trying to rip you off, and isn’t it a shame that people can’t just be honest.”
“God, the look on Vanessa’s face,” added Parker, shaking his head. “I’ll never forget it.”
As soon as he realized what was happening, Parker sprung into action, attempting to rescue the evening with amusing childhood anecdotes, but only exacerbating the situation by discussing his parents’ divorce and his former bed-wetting problem. After knocking over a glass of wine as he asked Carmine where she was from, Parker realized saving the night from total disaster might be beyond his power.
A Disaster Unfolds
6:55 Parker arrives at the restaurant five minutes before Carmine, completely oblivious to the catastrophe that is about to unfold
7:12 Orders are taken; Parker has a glass of red wine to take the edge off
7:18 Waiter presents the salad; fresh ground pepper joke goes nowhere
7:19 Parker feels the first trickle of perspiration go down his back
7:27 Parker inadvertently upends his glass of wine, breaking the stem of the glass and cutting his thumb on a jagged edge
7:29 Realizing that the bleeding isn’t going to stop, Parker excuses self to go to the restroom
7:33-7:35 Longest point of awkward silence
7:41 Parker remarks that passing woman resembles ex-girlfriend, thus initiating lengthy explanation of how over the relationship he is
7:44 Carmine excuses self to go to restroom. Assuming he’s been deserted, Parker drains wine and orders another, only to have it arrive after Carmine returns
7:52 Parker makes mouth-guitar noises
7:59 Realizing he’s made a terrible mistake, Parker breaks personal record for consuming a dessert and coffee
Summoning his strength for one last heroic effort, Parker said he began talking about his dog, found himself unable to discuss anything beyond how the pet had been his only comfort during a breakup last year, and then proceeded to spend five minutes explaining how he was “totally over” his ex-girlfriend now.
“ ‘I remember looking around the room thinking, ‘For God’s sake, somebody do something!’ Then I just sort of went numb for a few minutes there as I watched myself talk about my laundry schedule.’ ”
“There was this loud, disturbing noise, and I realized it was my own voice,” Parker said. “I remember looking around the room thinking, ‘For God’s sake, somebody do something!’ Then I just sort of went numb for a few minutes there as I watched myself talk about my laundry schedule.”
“At one point, Vanessa got up to use the restroom, and I thought that maybe she wasn’t coming back,” Parker continued. “That it would finally all be over.”
When the unthinkable happened and Carmine returned, Parker gave up all hope and began sweating through his dress shirt while talking about his love of death metal.
“The entire date was a massacre,” Parker said. “The waiter couldn’t even make eye contact with me. He knew what was happening. He should have thought to bring the check instead of the dessert menu. Or at the very least, he should have kept me from prolonging the agony by ordering the apple dumpling and offering to split it.”
“I wish I could forget everything I witnessed here tonight,” Parker added. “But it’s burned in my memory forever.”
At press time, Parker was walking Carmine to her car, insisting it was no problem despite Carmine’s protestations that it was not necessary.
NEWS IN BRIEF
Woman Masturbates To Concept Of Commitment
PORTAGE, MI—Soaking in her bathtub Tuesday, area resident Linda Marston, 32, pleasured herself over the thought of a long-term committed relationship. “Mmmm … oh, yeah, baby … I want to settle down with you forever,” moaned the never-married Marston, as she gently massaged her clitoris with two fingers. “Oh, God, yes … two kids, maybe three … and a house in the country. Big swingset in the backyard.” Several hours later, Marston masturbated again to the idea of loving someone unconditionally through good times and bad.
AMERICAN VOICES
Americans Marrying Later
Census Bureau figures for 2003 show that Americans are getting married later, with the average age for a first marriage having risen to 26. What do you think?
Dale Steele
Systems Analyst
“Oh, great. First my grandmother starts pestering me about not being married, then my parents, and now the national media.”
Lois Halverson
Real Estate Clerk
“Thank God there’s a greater trend I can look to when I ponder my lonely, loveless existence in the midnight hour.”
Curtis Fuller
Salesperson
“I don’t have to worry about marriage at this point in my life. Paying child support for three kids is stressful enough as it is.”
Ruby Turpin
Auditor
“It’s because of the sluggish economy. It’s harder to get a dowry together these days.”
Marvin Watts
Robotics Technician
“Christ. Get ready for some of the bitterest-looking bridesmaids in history.”
Glen Powers
Hom
e Health Aid
“My folks got married at 17. They were also cousins. Let me know when you have your tape recorder ready.”
NEWS
New Six Flags Ride Based On Relationship With Deborah
VALENCIA, CA—Promoting the coaster as “the most heartbreaking ride on earth,” the Six Flags Magic Mountain theme park unveiled its newest attraction this week: a 395-foot-tall steel roller coaster designed to simulate a grueling three year relationship with Deborah.
Developed by world-renowned and recently single engineer Phillip Werner, the Life Force Crusher-X is said to feature six disorienting vertical loops, 150-feet of highly unstable barrel rolls, a portion in the middle where the ride just suddenly stops for no reason and refuses to start again until riders apologize, and an unexpected 310-foot drop at the very end.
“This heart-racing, gut-wrenching 90 mph free fall into unhealthy codependence and trust issues will have even the most extreme thrill-seekers begging for it to be over,” reads a Six Flags press release announcing the new coaster, which promises to require more attention and patience than any one man should reasonably be expected to have. “Can you survive the Agonizing Vortex of Unflagging Acrimony?”
According to park officials, the coaster begins with an impulsive burst of acceleration that, when riders reflect upon the experience years later, will prove to be the only enjoyable portion of the ride. A series of unexpected and painful twists rapidly follow, leaving riders confused, strangely resentful, and wondering if they made a huge mistake getting on the ride in the first place. For the next 25 minutes, the coaster creeps endlessly forward at an agonizing pace, until it actually starts moving backward.