Pick Your Poison

by Lauren Child

  RUBY: ‘He has a thing about it.’

  HITCH: ‘You could tell him what really happened.’

  RUBY: ‘Oh yeah, and what really happened?’

  HITCH: ‘You found yourself between a rock and a hard place – Lasco and Begwell.’

  RUBY: ‘How do you know it was between Del and Vapona?’

  HITCH: ‘It’s obvious.’

  RUBY: ‘I was trying to talk some sense into them.’

  HITCH: ‘So you’re not much of a negotiator.’

  RUBY: ‘You ever try reasoning with two people who hate each other?’

  HITCH: ‘Actually yes, it’s sort of my day job, but I only ever stand in the middle if I know I’m going to come out the winner.’

  RUBY: ‘What choice did I have?’

  HITCH: ‘Del Lasco can fight her own battles.’

  RUBY: ‘She has a hand sprain.’

  HITCH: ‘She’s got legs, doesn’t she? Walking away can work.’

  RUBY: ‘Del’s more of a fighter.’

  HITCH: ‘Pretty dumb to fight when you have a busted hand.’

  RUBY: ‘Pretty dumb not to fight when it means you wind up getting socked in the nose.’

  HITCH: ‘If you knew how to avoid getting into a fight in the first place, you wouldn’t have been socked in the nose.’

  RUBY: ‘When Bugwart wants a fight, you don’t have a whole lotta choice – you just get pounded.’

  HITCH: ‘Or you run real fast. You can run kid, I’ve seen you.’

  RUBY: ‘Yeah, and I’m happy to run, it beats getting smacked in the kisser believe me, but if I had then I would have left Del to face Bugwart’s gang alone.’

  HITCH: ‘Like I said, seems to me this was Del’s fight.’

  RUBY: ‘Del’s fights have a habit of becoming everyone’s fight, if you know what I’m saying.’

  She turned to leave.

  HITCH: ‘Well, kid, you know what they say – it’s your nose.’

  Ruby returned to her room and walked into the bathroom. She peered at herself in the looking glass – her nose didn’t look too pretty.

  Mirror mirror on the wall, Ruby Redfort, you look awful.

  She wasn’t sure but she thought that particular blow had come from Gemma Melamare, an eye for an eye, a nose for a nose. She just hoped the swelling would subside by sun up.

  The light on her message machine was blinking like crazy and she rightly guessed that was down to Del.

  ‘Rube, you there? You not answering my call because A: you’re mad at me? or B: you’re not allowed to take calls, or C: you’re dead? Look, anyways, whatever, I’m seriously sorry, OK, I’ll speak to you tomorrow … if you’re not hospitalised, that is.’

  The answer machine had just finished replaying Del’s message when the phone rang. She took the receiver from the squirrel’s paw.

  ‘You’re late,’ said Clancy, his voice loud in her ear. ‘I’m at a phone box on Amster and you are late!’

  ‘It’s worse than that,’ said Ruby.

  ‘You mean you’re not coming.’

  ‘I can’t come.’

  ‘Why not?’

  ‘I got into a bunch of trouble.’

  ‘Yeah? Well, it better be the sort of trouble that involves the cops or I’m gonna be mad about it.’

  ‘Actually it is.’

  Clancy began flapping his arms; she could hear him doing it. ‘You’re kidding,’ he said. ‘You are kidding, aren’t you?’

  ‘No, as a matter of fact I’m not, Clance.’

  ‘I’m coming over,’ he said.

  ‘I wouldn’t advise it,’ she replied. ‘They’re kinda furious, my folks, I mean.’

  ‘But your folks are never furious,’ said Clancy.

  ‘Well this time they are and I don’t think they are going to back down.’

  ‘But you’re still coming to the Explorer Awards, right? I mean they’re not so mad at you that they would ruin your life?’

  ‘I’m afraid they are,’ sighed Ruby. ‘Look I’m sorry I forgot to call, probably something to do with being punched on the nose, but I’ll see you in school.’

  ‘I’m not in school tomorrow, remember?’ said Clancy. ‘I got that whole pre-party photo op thing with my dad.’

  ‘Oh yeah,’ said Ruby. She’d forgotten about that. ‘I’m losing my mind.’

  ‘You’re just not sleeping enough,’ said Clancy. ‘So when am I going to see you? I mean, if your parents aren’t letting you out, I’m not going to see you all weekend.’

  ‘Don’t worry, I’ll come up with a brilliant plan,’ said Ruby, and she hung up.

  She changed out of the ill-fated ‘keeping the peace’ clothes and climbed into bed, then she lay there in the dark, thinking. She could make this all go away, her dad’s disappointment in her, her stupid punishment, if only she gave up the names of Del Lasco and Vapona Bugwart. Most people would understand, even Del might understand. But Ruby couldn’t square it with herself.

  It was like Mrs Digby said: be true to yourself, Ruby Redfort, and it will steer you right.

  She hoped so.

  No one knew where the

  first dollop of mashed potato

  came from, but it was

  all it took …

  … seconds later and the canteen of the women’s high-security correctional facility was a chaos of food ammunition, clattering metal trays and spinning cutlery. It seemed that every single inmate was involved and every single one of them was shouting. By the time the prison officers had taken control, every inch of the place was covered in stewed vegetables and Jell-o.

  Remarkably there were no casualties, but for the one prisoner found knocked out and lying face down on the floor covered in mashed potato and vegetable stew inside the walk-in refrigerator. It was also discovered that one of the prison officers, Officer McClaren, was missing. A search was conducted, her car was gone from the warden parking lot and the CCTV footage showed her driving out of the prison grounds during the riot.

  ‘This will be a disciplinary offence,’ said the warden. ‘She had no right to leave the prison compound during a security breach.’ The warden’s administrator picked up the phone to call Officer McClaren back in.

  There was no answer. Either McClaren was ignoring the call or she had not yet arrived home.

  Meanwhile, the unconscious prisoner was taken to the prison sanitorium to be checked out by the medical team. Only after the food and dirt was wiped from the face of the prisoner was it discovered that the prisoner was not a prisoner. The prisoner was Officer McClaren.

  The sirens sounded and the manhunt began.

  RUBY WAS RELIEVED WHEN MRS LEMON CALLED ROUND DURING BREAKFAST. This was not normally a cause for rejoicing, but right then Ruby could use the distraction. The day had got off to a bad start when there was an angry phone call from Consuela Cruz. Apparently she had been told ‘just two minutes ago, not even’ that chicken could not be served at the awards due to Mrs Abrahams, the Mayor’s wife, suffering from a chicken phobia.

  ‘Who has a phobia against the chicken? This woman is loco, crazy, a fruit cake.’ Consuela was set to walk out, resign, tell them to ‘stick their stupid awards to the explorers!’ but Brant had talked her down. That crisis had but barely been averted when the Sheriff called to inform Ruby’s parents that Ruby was to be assigned six hours of community service.

  ‘I was just wondering if you might want to babysit Archie on Sunday?’ said Elaine Lemon. She looked at Ruby as if this were the offer of the century and there might be nothing a thirteen-year-old girl would rather do than spend her weekend looking after a one-year-old boy.

  ‘Sure,’ said Ruby, ‘be delighted to, but the thing is I’m grounded.’

  ‘That’s OK, Ruby,’ said her father, ‘you will be doing Elaine here a good turn and you won’t be having fun, it’s a win win. In fact, let’s make it a regular arrangement.’

  Elaine looked a little perturbed by Brant’s assertion that looking after her son would not be fun, but she
was so relieved that she had finally pinned down some childcare that she kept her mouth firmly closed.

  When Ruby climbed on the school bus she saw Del Lasco waving at her eagerly from a seat near the back. Ruby stumbled down the aisle and sank down next to her.

  ‘Why haven’t you called?’ said Del.

  ‘I haven’t been getting a lot of “me time”,’ said Ruby.

  ‘How did your folks take it?’ asked Del.

  ‘Ah, you know,’ replied Ruby, ‘a little bit badly.’

  ‘Like on a scale from one to ten?’

  ‘Maybe thirteen.’

  ‘So you’re in trouble?’ asked Del.

  ‘Well, the Explorer Awards are off,’ said Ruby.

  Del made a horror-struck face. ‘Now I feel really terrible,’ she said.

  ‘It’s not your fault,’ said Ruby.

  ‘I think it is actually.’

  ‘It’s not.’

  Del gave her friend a good-natured thump on the arm. ‘Look, thanks a million for not ratting me out, I really massively appreciate it.’

  ‘Of course,’ said Ruby.

  ‘Yeah but I mean, thanks, my mom would have grounded me till Christmas if I had been caught fighting again.’

  ‘It’s OK,’ said Ruby, ‘you would have covered for me.’

  ‘You got that right,’ said Del, ‘but I feel bad. I didn’t mean to leave you there, I mean I never woulda, I thought you were right behind me – I had no idea your glasses had been totalled.’

  ‘My stupid clogs didn’t help, but it’s not a big deal,’ said Ruby, ‘don’t make a thing of it.’

  ‘Not a big deal?’ said Del. ‘But you were really stoked about going to that explorer thing tonight.’

  ‘Yeah, well, I’m sure the six hours community service will take my mind off it.’

  ‘Oh jeepers, not that too,’ said Del. ‘Look, I’ll help you out.’

  ‘You won’t be allowed,’ said Ruby, ‘and in any case, if you do, then they’ll figure it was you I was covering for.’

  By the time they made it to Junior High they were talking about other things.

  At least they were up until they ran into Vapona Begwell.

  ‘Hey Lasco, who knew you could run so fast?’ jeered Vapona.

  ‘I’m surprised you even noticed given you split the scene before the cops even turned the siren on.’

  ‘I guess I musta been trying to catch you and Redfort.’

  ‘Actually Ruby took the fall, she was picked up by the sheriff.’

  That silenced her. ‘You were arrested?’ said Vapona after a pause.

  ‘Of course I wasn’t arrested,’ said Ruby. ‘What, you think having your glasses stomped on, and your nose smooshed makes you responsible for wrecking a tree and kicking over a bunch of trashcans?’

  ‘So I suppose you squealed, Redfort?’

  ‘Are you kidding Bugwart, Ruby doesn’t squeal.’

  ‘Which is lucky for you, Lasco.’

  ‘She saved your butt too, Bugwart.’

  Ruby didn’t want to be reminded of the dumb argument that had led to her missing the event of the year so she walked off in search of a more intelligent conversation.

  Back home again and Ruby was trying hard to take it on the chin, but it wasn’t so easy when the thing you really wanted more than anything had just been taken away from you. She had played it down with Del, the big disappointment about missing the Explorer Awards, because she didn’t want Del to feel bad, and though in a way Del was sort of responsible for the whole mess, it was like Hitch said: all Ruby had had to do was walk away. Well, she wasn’t going to demean herself by begging; she knew by the look in her father’s eye that he would never change his mind. Her mom she reckoned she could break down, but her dad, no chance. She went straight up to her room, did her homework, watched no TV and read a book called The Four Dimensions of Taste.

  When it was 6pm she came downstairs.

  Ruby walked into the living room and found her parents there, her mom looking out of the window, an anxious expression on her face.

  ‘It’s just so windy out there,’ she said, ‘I’m not sure it’s even safe to drive.’

  ‘It looks worse than it is honey,’ said Brant. ‘It’s a little blowy is all.’

  ‘Why does Hitch have to be out of town tonight?’ sighed Sabina. ‘I trust his driving.’

  ‘Bob’s a good driver,’ said Brant. ‘There’s no need to be concerned, honey.’

  ‘I know,’ said Sabina, ‘I like Bob, it’s just I feel more secure when Hitch is around, you know what I mean?’

  Ruby did know what she meant, but then Ruby had witnessed Hitch taking on tougher challenges than driving a car on a windy evening.

  As sore as Ruby was to be missing out on the evening, what she wasn’t going to do was whine about it, so she made herself a big bowl of popcorn, flicked on the set and settled down to watch the whole thing on TV. Mrs Digby watched with her, up until the snakes appeared.

  Then the housekeeper got to her feet. ‘Seen enough of those critters to last me a lifetime,’ she said, turning to leave the room.

  ‘A rare snake that you have never even seen before has that big an effect on you?’ said Ruby. ‘You’re never gonna meet this snake, Mrs Digby, it lives hundreds of miles away in … actually I have no idea where it’s from, but not any place near here.’

  ‘I don’t mind if it happens to be from Mars, I don’t need to look at the thing,’ said the housekeeper. ‘I stared enough rattlers in the eye when I was a child to know I don’t want to look at one again.’

  Ruby shrugged. ‘If that’s how you feel, that’s how you feel,’ she said, turning back to the screen.

  It was towards the end of the televised event that she spotted Quent Humbert on screen. ‘Brother! How did he get to go?’ said Ruby out loud. And then the penny dropped.

  ‘He got my ticket! That little shrimp got my ticket!’ Of all the people in the world Quent Humbert was not a deserving case. He wouldn’t be a bit interested in the explorers and was no doubt most excited about the chance to be seen on live TV. As if to confirm her suspicion, Quent, suddenly realising he was in shot, began frantically waving into the camera. She could see his little autograph book in his hand.

  ‘Get out of the way you idiot,’ Ruby shouted at the television. She was finding it hard to concentrate on what the man from the moon was saying and the camera operator was having difficulty keeping Quent out of shot.

  Her shouting was interrupted by a loud crashing sound outside and Ruby sprang to her feet to look out of the window. Bug was barking like crazy, but Ruby couldn’t instantly see what had happened.

  ‘What in the Sam Hill is going on?’ shouted Mrs Digby from downstairs.

  ‘I don’t know!’ yelled Ruby.

  Mrs Digby joined her in the living room. Bug was still barking his head off and Ruby switched out the lights so it was easier to see into the darkness.

  There was a certain amount of debris, a couple of broken pots and a lot of leaves and twigs scattered about the place, but nothing that would cause the kind of cracking sound they had just heard.

  ‘Must be down the street,’ said Ruby, ‘a tree or something.’

  She was keen to go look for damage, but Mrs Digby wasn’t having it.

  ‘Child, I am not letting you step a toe outside this house, not while this gale is blowing.’

  By the time Ruby gave up arguing and returned to the TV, the Explorer Awards were over.

  ‘So who won? Darn it! Snakes, polar bears or little green men from Mars?’

  RUBY LOOKED UP FROM THE TV HOURS LATER to see her mother tottering into the room, almost tripping over the overly long red gown she was wearing. Her face was not the happy face of a person who loved parties and had just spent the evening in the company of the great and good of Twinford.

  ‘Mom, you look like you ate something bad,’ said Ruby.

  ‘My pride is all I ate,’ replied her mother. ‘I can’t remember when I�
�ve ever been so humiliated.’ Sabina sank onto a chair and tossed her silver clutch bag to the floor miserably.

  ‘What happened, exactly?’ asked Ruby.

  ‘I can hardly bear to talk about it,’ she said shaking her head as if to shake away the memory of a terrible vision.

  ‘Try,’ said Ruby, who knew her mother liked nothing better than to talk things through, no matter what the subject.

  Sabina sighed. ‘Imagine you are one of two people wearing red evening gowns.’

  Ruby scrunkled her brow. ‘I’ll try,’ she said, ‘but it may not be easy.’ Ruby wasn’t in the habit of dressing up, and if she did then it was more likely to be a misshapen secondhand number smelling of mothballs.

  ‘Imagine that these evening gowns are not only exactly the same red but exactly the same gown.’

  ‘Oh, Sabina honey,’ interrupted Ruby’s father as he walked into the room, ‘I don’t know why you are making such a big deal about this. You were a complete knock-out in that dress, knocked it out of the park.’

  But Sabina put up her hand to silence him. ‘And,’ she continued, ‘imagine if that same dress is being worn by one of the honoured guests,’ her voice quavered a little, the force of her emotion making it crack.

  Ruby rolled her eyes. ‘This is what has you looking like you ate a bad oyster?’

  ‘It’s social suicide, it’s an honest to goodness cocktail crime scene.’

  ‘Mom, you gotta lighten up with the trivia. You are about to hit the superficial super wall – you are about to head on out into superficial hyper space.’

  But Sabina Redfort just groaned and slumped back in her chair. ‘To top it all, the store didn’t even do the alterations I asked for. I clearly told them I wanted the dress to be ankle length so you might see those diamante mules of mine, but instead I was tripping up over the darned thing all night and I might just as well have been wearing bedroom slippers for all anyone would know, plus they had obviously steamed it to get the wrinkles out but it was still damp, and to top it all the stupid belt kept twisting around ’cause it was too big. I abandoned it in the powder room, which destroyed the look.’ She sighed a regretful sigh. ‘I feel completely burnt out by it all.’ She slumped even further into the chair.