Pick Your Poison

by Lauren Child

‘Yeah, well it really sets you apart,’ said Ruby, ‘but as I always say, if anyone can carry off a giant hat with earflaps, it’s you.’ She paused. ‘And by the way, speaking of behavioural science, here’s your order.’

  She slid the little camera she’d stolen from the innovations room at Spectrum over to him.

  He marvelled at its small size for a moment.

  ‘Put it away!’ she hissed.

  Clancy slipped it into his pocket. ‘Thanks Ruby. I owe you one.’

  ‘You already owe me more than you could ever repay,’ she said, good-naturedly.

  ‘So how’s the babysitting going? You must be about at the end of your punishment duty?’ said Clancy.

  ‘Only a day of it left,’ said Ruby.

  ‘I bet you can’t wait to hand the little guy back, huh?’ said Clancy.

  ‘Well, I’m thinking of keeping him,’ said Ruby.

  ‘What?’ said Clancy.

  ‘He’s turning out to be kinda handy.’

  ‘You’re not serious,’ said Clancy.

  ‘Well, I was tailing someone yesterday afternoon,’ said Ruby.

  ‘You were what?’ said Clancy.

  ‘I was pushing Archie down Flaubert Street when I saw something which struck me as strange,’ said Ruby.

  ‘What kind of strange, interesting or weird?’ asked Clancy.

  ‘I guess he would fall into both categories,’ said Ruby.

  Clancy looked intrigued. ‘Who was he?’

  ‘A guy in a red hat who seemed very interested in getting his hands on a Taste Twister,’ said Ruby. She went on to explain just what she had seen and Clancy looked like he was going to pop.

  ‘I knew it!’ he said. ‘I said it was some clever advertising campaign and I was right. Wait till I tell Elliot Finch.’

  ‘Before you get all ahead of yourself, you might want to consider some alternatives, i.e. it might not be a clever advertising campaign.’

  Clancy looked at her blankly. ‘Meaning?’

  Ruby adopted a creepy voice. ‘Meaning the whole Taste Twister thing could be an elaborate riddle which seeks to draw people in, gets the public of Twinford following clues to an end which will bring about their end.’

  ‘Yeah right,’ said Clancy. ‘Well, if that is true then I’m not sure what pushing around a twenty-four-pound baby could do for you, not unless Lemon’s some kind of karate genius.’

  ‘Turns out it’s a great cover to push a pram about the place. I mean, no one looks at you twice. Del and Elliot walked straight past me.’

  ‘That’s because you’re the last person anyone would expect to see pushing a baby around.’

  ‘Exactly,’ said Ruby, ‘hence it’s great cover.’

  ‘Might I just remind you that you should be steering clear of trouble, not seeking it out,’ he said.

  ‘Well don’t get your underwear in a bunch, Clance, because I haven’t been assigned any new cases, dangerous or otherwise.’

  ‘Good,’ said Clancy.

  ‘But all I’m pointing out to you,’ said Ruby, ‘is that it’s better to know where trouble is coming from than to close your eyes to it, right? I mean I think we would all sleep better at night if we knew what a super-psycho was planning.’

  ‘Correction,’ said Clancy, ‘I don’t think that knowing what a super-psycho is planning is going to make me sleep any better.’

  ‘Oh really? So how do you expect bad guys to be caught if I were just to ignore the signs?’ said Ruby. ‘You want me to just head off in the other direction if I happen to see trouble?’

  ‘Exactly,’ said Clancy. ‘Just hand it over to Blacker, don’t get involved.’

  Ruby didn’t say anything.

  ‘What?’ said Clancy.

  ‘I just don’t think that’s such a good idea,’ said Ruby.

  ‘Why not?’ said Clancy. ‘Sounds like a great idea to me.’

  ‘I just got a funny feeling,’ said Ruby.

  ‘What about?’ asked Clancy.

  ‘One of my fellow agents,’ said Ruby.

  ‘Not Blacker, don’t tell me it’s got to do with Blacker?’ said Clancy.

  ‘Yeah, Blacker,’ said Ruby. ‘I have this funny feeling, something’s not right.’

  ‘What kind of funny?’ asked Clancy. ‘Funny he won’t believe you, or funny he’s gonna stab you in the back?’

  ‘More like that’s funny I thought it was raining out there,’ said Ruby.

  ‘I don’t follow?’ said Clancy.

  ‘So did you happen to notice the rain yesterday afternoon?’

  ‘Sure, I noticed, I nearly drowned,’ said Clancy. ‘It wasn’t an umbrella sort of rain, more like inflate your life raft.’

  ‘That’s what Holbrook said,’ remembered Ruby. ‘So Blacker supposedly steps into HQ from out of this rainstorm without a drop of water on him.’

  ‘And this makes him untrustworthy?’

  ‘It makes him a liar,’ said Ruby. ‘Froghorn comes in soaked to his undershorts, I leave the place and it’s a total washout, but in the intervening ten minutes Blacker manages to dodge every raindrop and come into HQ dry as a bone? Not a drip, not a splash.’

  ‘Weird things happen with the weather. I mean it can rain frogs, you know that?’

  ‘Yeah, I know that, and talking of frogs, if I’m right about Blacker being up to something then Froghorn’s most likely involved too.’

  ‘Why?’

  ‘It just stands to reason.’

  ‘How so?’ said Clancy.

  ‘Because they work together. It would be hard to keep the truth from Froghorn.’

  Clancy shook his head. ‘I can’t agree with you there. You remember that episode of Crazy Cops where information was being fed back to the mob and when it was discovered Lucas was the leak, they just assumed his partner, Synco, must be in on it too? Couldn’t see how he wouldn’t know, since they worked so closely together.’

  Ruby nodded.

  ‘But it turned out Synco knew nothing about it, even though he sorta shoulda.’

  ‘Yeah, well that’s true, he really shoulda,’ said Ruby.

  ‘But why didn’t he figure Lucas was betraying the cops?’ said Clancy.

  ‘Because he trusted Lucas,’ she said.

  ‘Like a brother,’ added Clancy.

  ‘Do your sisters trust you like a brother?’ asked Ruby.

  ‘Minny doesn’t trust anyone,’ said Clancy. ‘Anyway, that’s not my point, my point is it is perfectly possible for a close colleague not to know.’

  ‘Yeah, but this is Froghorn we’re talking about – he isn’t the trusting, trustworthy type.’

  ‘You just want him to be a villain because you don’t like him.’

  ‘OK, I admit it, I don’t, but that is not clouding my judgment.’

  ‘That’s baloney buster, and you know it,’ said Clancy.

  ‘Oh yeah and why’s that?’ said Ruby.

  ‘Because you know that in any good thriller the one who betrays the hero is always the person you least expect it to be. It’s the biggest let down.’

  ‘That is true,’ said Ruby, ‘but what does that have to do with—’

  ‘The least likeable person,’ interrupted Clancy, ‘the one you hope is going to be the traitor or the murderer, that person always turns out to be on the side of good.’

  ‘Agreed,’ said Ruby.

  ‘Which would make Froghorn the least likely traitor in the whole darned HQ,’ said Clancy. ‘You know it, but because you think he’s a potatohead—’

  ‘I know he’s a potatohead,’ said Ruby.

  ‘OK, because you know he’s a potatohead, you are willing Froghorn to be a bad apple.’

  ‘But the thing you are forgetting here is that this isn’t a thriller – this is real life.’

  ‘But if it was a thriller, who would you suspect?’ He was looking at her seriously.

  ‘You mean if I was watching the film or reading the book?’ asked Ruby.

  ‘Yeah,’ said Clancy. ‘Not if y
ou were a character in the thriller, obviously, then you would be as blind to the truth as anyone else.’

  ‘So what’s the question again?’

  ‘If this was a book, who would you most suspect of being the master criminal?’

  ‘You,’ said Ruby.

  ‘My money would be on Mrs Digby,’ said Clancy.

  ‘I think we can rule her out,’ said Ruby.

  ‘Yeah,’ said Clancy, ‘and if it is her, I’m switching sides.’

  ON THE WAY INTO SCHOOL, Ruby and Clancy bumped into Red, Elliot and Del. They were laughing about something, Elliot unsurprisingly doubled over, tears streaming down his cheeks, barely able to speak.

  ‘Hey, what’s so funny?’ shouted Ruby.

  ‘Red was just telling me about what happened yesterday afternoon,’ said Del.

  ‘What about it?’ asked Ruby.

  ‘You must have seen the rain,’ said Red. ‘It was crazy rain.’

  ‘I saw it,’ said Ruby.

  ‘So me and Mouse got caught in it and were like wet to our skin in the time it takes us to step off the bus and cross the road, and we go into Cherry’s ’cause we are waiting for Elliot, he has his ukulele lesson one block away, you see?’

  ‘You play the ukulele?’ said Clancy.

  Elliot couldn’t respond – he was still crumpled in two.

  ‘And anyway, he walks in and he is bone dry,’ said Red. ‘I mean, not a drip or a drop on him.’

  Ruby by now was really listening.

  ‘He walks in and he says, “What happened to you? Did you fall in a lake or something?” and we look out the window and guess what, it’s pouring with rain again.’

  Clancy looked at Ruby. ‘Like I said, the weather can do some freaky things.’

  Ruby shot him a look back as if to say, yeah, yeah, so you were right and I was wrong.

  By the time Ruby walked into class, she was feeling both relieved and just ever so slightly stupid.

  Blacker was no liar. Blacker was the one person who she could 100% count on, aside from Hitch. If you start doubting your allies Rube, you’re gonna end up mighty lonely.

  It was like she had read in one of her psychology books – ‘We are all capable of poisoning our own minds, we need little help with that.’

  Rube my old friend, you seem to be suffering from a touch of paranoia. She thought back to the six-second pause book that Dr Selgood had given her. It seemed she should have taken six seconds to think before she walked out on Blacker.

  Mouse and Ruby trailed out of English class and into the school yard.

  ‘Did I see you pushing a baby round town yesterday afternoon?’ asked Mouse.

  ‘Possibly,’ said Ruby.

  ‘Possibly yes or possibly no? I mean, I have to say if you said you had an identical twin right now who had taken up babysitting it would sound more plausible.’

  ‘I know what you mean,’ said Ruby.

  ‘Where did it come from?’ asked Mouse.

  ‘Mars I think,’ said Ruby, ‘judging by the weird stuff that comes out of him. Sometimes I swear it could be ectoplasm.’

  Mouse wrinkled her nose. ‘What does he eat?’

  ‘Gloop,’ said Ruby, ‘though most of the time he just spits it back up. Boy is that kid fussy.’

  ‘So why are you wheeling him around?’ asked Mouse.

  ‘I sorta struck a deal with my folks, although they don’t know I struck a deal exactly, they think it was all their idea.’

  ‘Pardon me?’ said Mouse.

  ‘I mean, they grounded me, which is a drag because it means being in all the time, but then Mrs Lemon wanted someone to mind Archie and my folks, knowing how allergic I am to babies, volunteered me. They thought it would be a good punishment, which by the way it is, but on the upside it means I get to go out, and out with a baby is better than in without a baby, right?’

  ‘Kinda, I guess,’ said Mouse. ‘And this is all because …’

  ‘On account of the whole thing with the sheriff and the garbage and another thing to do with Mr Parker and his yard and a bunch of similar smaller things that have made my folks not like me so much – they’re not too happy about the writing on my arm either,’ said Ruby, pushing up her sleeve to reveal the marker-pen words.

  ‘Yeah, but that’s all ’cause of Del.’

  ‘Well, I can’t tell ’em that, they’ll just get mad at her, and in any case I don’t think they would see it as her fault. I mean, they would just say, “Well you were born with a brain Ruby, maybe you should use it”.’

  ‘Well, I guess they have a point,’ said Mouse.

  ‘Thanks for your support.’

  ‘Yeah, well I just don’t see the point in getting punched on the nose just to prevent Del from getting punched on the nose,’ said Mouse. ‘I mean, she wants to get punched on the nose, so let her.’

  There was a certain logic to this argument, Ruby could see it.

  They spotted the others and went to join them. Red had that look on her face, the one she got when she had been told something truly awe-inspiring.

  ‘You know Clancy is going to meet the president,’ said Red. ‘That’s true, right Clance?’

  ‘Well, yes, no and maybe,’ said Clancy. ‘My family and I are off to Washington for a reception at the White House, but I don’t know if the president will be attending. I mean, who knows if he will make it, stuff happens when you’re the president.’

  ‘But he could be there?’ said Red.

  ‘Yeah he could be there,’ agreed Clancy, ‘but it’s not a definite.’

  ‘So who will be there?’ asked Red. ‘For definite.’

  ‘The Environmental Explorers and Ruby’s mom and dad,’ said Clancy, ‘which to me is more exciting than the president.’

  ‘But you see Ruby’s mom and dad all the time,’ said Red.

  ‘I’m talking about the Explorers, Red,’ said Clancy. ‘They are what’s interesting about this trip. My dad’s always meeting the president, so I mean, big deal.’

  ‘I heard that the snake woman is in a coma and basically clinging on to life,’ said Mouse.

  ‘Is that true?’ said Red.

  ‘It’s what I heard,’ said Clancy.

  ‘She was bitten by one of her own snakes,’ said Elliot.

  ‘That’s actually garbage,’ said Ruby, ‘you are just making this stuff up.’

  ‘Making what stuff up?’ asked Del – she was walking towards them, a huge sandwich in her right hand, a soda sort of tucked in the crook of her left arm.

  ‘Elliot’s talking baloney,’ said Ruby.

  ‘Hey, and I’m eating it!’ said Del, holding up her sandwich.

  ‘I was only saying how deadly those snakes are, the ones just discovered by that Mongolian conservationist,’ said Elliot.

  ‘They live on toadstools is what I heard,’ said Del.

  ‘What?’ said Elliot.

  ‘They eat toadstools,’ said Del.

  ‘Really?’ said Red.

  ‘And you know right before you die, your tongue turns green,’ said Del, ‘you get this terrible ringing in your ears like church bells or something, and your tongue turns green and then you’re dead. You know for a certainty you’re gonna be dead because of the colour of your tongue. Luminous green I heard.’

  ‘Where do you get this stuff from, Del?’ Ruby was looking at her wide-eyed. ‘I mean, this is just stuff that comes into your head and out of your mouth bypassing the brain.’

  ‘I’m sure I read it,’ said Del.

  Red was now looking at Del like she might have read it too. Red was highly suggestible and it was easy to convince her of most things. ‘It sounds sorta possible,’ she said.

  ‘Well, whatever colour her tongue might turn, one thing’s for sure,’ said Clancy, ‘she won’t be at the White House so I won’t get to meet her.’

  ‘I just hope you make it and don’t get yourself caught up in that tornado the news is talking about,’ said Elliot.

  ‘Thanks for suggesting I mi
ght,’ said Clancy.

  ‘I didn’t say you would,’ said Elliot. ‘You should just be prepared.’

  ‘How can he be prepared?’ said Mouse. ‘I mean, if he’s in a plane when a tornado hits then what’s he gonna do, head to the basement?’

  ‘Look guys, do you mind talking about something else?’ said Clancy.

  Basketball had been cancelled and Ruby was faced with a dilemma: she was grounded so therefore, strictly speaking, no basketball meant she should return home, but on the other hand, her mom and dad did not know there was no basketball and so wouldn’t be expecting her home for a couple of hours.

  She certainly didn’t want to sit around waiting for no news to come through from Spectrum, so she decided to hang out with Del.

  If she and Del got a move on, there was just enough time to grab a table at Back-Spin and play a few games.

  There was a new girl working at the counter when they got there, allocating tables and hiring out bats and ping-pong balls. She had a cool street style and a lower eastside Twinford accent. ‘Where’s Nicky?’ asked Ruby,

  ‘She’s off with laryngitis,’ said the girl. ‘I’m working her shifts ’cause I could really use the dough.’

  Del flashed her membership card and pulled some coins from her jeans pocket.

  ‘What tables you got free?’ she asked. ‘I prefer the ones by the window.’

  The girl looked at the booking sheet. ‘I only got the one near the door,’ she said.

  Reaching for a new tube of ping-pong balls, she added, ‘And I can only let you have it for thirty minutes, OK? We’re booked out today.’

  ‘That’s it?’ said Del, making a face. ‘I came all the way down here for thirty measly minutes?’

  ‘Well, I shouldn’t be here at all,’ said Ruby, ‘so maybe take what you can.’

  ‘So dya want the table or not?’ said the girl.

  ‘Thirty minutes, that really it?’ said Del.

  ‘Ignore her,’ said Ruby, ‘she means, thank you.’

  ‘Look, seeing as how you’re regulars, I can probably stretch it to an hour,’ said the girl, ‘but don’t go telling no one, OK?’

  ‘Thanks,’ said Ruby. ‘So what’s your name anyway?’

  ‘Sal,’ said the girl.

  ‘I’m Ruby and this is Del, thanks for the hour.’

  ‘You’re welcome,’ said the girl, giving them each a fist bump. ‘Pleasure to meet you.’