Free to Risk

by Lillianna Blake

  But what if he wanted more than I was willing to offer?

  I settled at my desk ten minutes late. Luckily no one in the office seemed to notice. But the work was already piled up in my in-box.

  As I began to sort through it all, my phone beeped. I ignored it at first, but when it beeped again, I wondered if there might be some emergency with the boys.

  I checked it to see several texts from Glenn. I couldn’t resist reading through them. Most were apologies for his behavior on the date and the final one was a request for me to give him a second chance. I realized he must have thought I didn’t want to see him again after I didn’t call him the night before.

  As I started to text him back my computer began to ring with a video call from Wes. I answered it, with the phone still in my hand.

  “Hi, Wes, just give me a second.” I finished typing out the text to Glenn asking when we could see each other again.

  “Wait, what are you smiling about?” He laughed. “And you’re blushing!”

  “I am not.” I set my phone down and looked at him. “Okay, maybe a little.”

  “Noella? What’s going on over there?”

  “I had a date yesterday.” The words slipped out before I even thought it through. When Wes and I had worked together, I’d been careful to keep things fairly professional, but he was always so casual and lighthearted that we ended up forming a close friendship anyway. Still, there were some areas of my life that I kept to myself, knowing that there were lines I shouldn’t cross.

  Now, though, we didn’t work together anymore.

  “What?” His mouth dropped open. “With who?”

  “You want all the details?” I laughed, then it hit me.

  Maybe Wes was the best person to get advice from. He was younger, more into the dating scene, and he was a guy. I didn’t have any other guys to bounce my thoughts off of, and I really believed I could trust his feedback to be honest.

  “Are there details to give?” His eyes widened even more. “How did I not know about this?”

  “I didn’t know you needed to know.” I glanced over my shoulder to be sure no one was listening in, then looked back at the screen. “Can I call you back at lunch? I got in a little late today.”

  “Sure, of course. Wait, why did you get in late?” His voice wavered some. “Noella, just how many details are there?”

  “Talk to you at lunch.” I grinned as I hung up the phone.

  I had to admit it gave me a bit of a buzz to see him squirm. Usually he was the one trying to get me to loosen up, but apparently I’d shocked him by going on a date. That made sense to me as during our friendship I’d only been out on maybe one date, and I’d never told him about it. He probably thought I was a complete hermit, which in many ways I was.

  When lunch rolled around I was excited to talk to Wes about Glenn. I was sure he would be able to give me some perspective on what Glenn might expect from me. I initiated a video call and waited for him to answer.

  After a few rings, he picked up.

  “Alright, I’ve been preparing for this.” He looked at me intently. “So, who did you go out with? A friend of yours?”

  “No, I met him on a dating site—Forty and Free.”

  “Noella, you didn’t tell me you were on a dating site.”

  “Why would I?”

  “Well, I mean, there are better ways to meet people. You have no idea who you might be hooking up with when you meet a guy online. Did you meet him somewhere safe?”

  “Yes, of course I did—at my friend’s cafe. Remember I told you about it—Common Grounds?”

  “Yes, I remember. Well, that’s good, but still, you can’t know who he is. He could turn out to be a creep.”

  “He’s not a creep. Anyway, I need some advice from you.”

  “You do?” He leaned a little closer to the camera. “What kind of advice?”

  Suddenly I felt awkward. His tone had changed. Was he judging me? He was quite a bit younger than me and I guessed that he didn’t have to use dating sites to find someone to go out with. But he’d always been so kind to me before.

  “Maybe this was a bad idea. I’m sorry, Wes.”

  “What? No, it’s fine. Go on, ask me. I’m full of wisdom.” He winked at me.

  “Okay. Well, I really like Glenn.”

  “Glenn.” He repeated the name with a snort.

  “What?”

  “Nothing. Go on.” He smiled.

  “I like him, we had a good time talking, he seems like a really nice guy. But I don’t—uh—date much. I’m not really sure what the rules are these days.”

  “The rules?” He narrowed his eyes.

  “He seemed to want to move pretty fast.”

  “Noella, are you asking me if men expect to have sex on the first date?”

  His tone was flat, but I noticed a flush in his cheeks.

  Chapter 11

  “I’m sorry, Wes. This is too awkward. It’s just that you’re my only guy friend and I’m not sure what is normal—”

  “What’s normal is whatever you’re comfortable with. Did this creep try to get you to do something you didn’t want to do? I’m looking up his profile right now.”

  I could hear tapping on the keys through the microphone.

  “No, Wes, don’t!” I groaned. “It wasn’t like that at all. I just think he wanted more than a kiss and—”

  “You kissed him?” Wes wiped a hand across his face. “A perfect stranger?”

  “We’re not strangers. We talked a bit before our date.”

  “But you’d never met him before, so that does make him a stranger.”

  “I’ve never met you.” I stared into his eyes. “I don’t consider you a stranger.”

  He was silent for a long moment as he looked back at me, then he shook his head. “That’s different.”

  “I honestly thought you’d be happy for me. Your old lady friend is getting out a bit.” I smiled. “I didn’t realize you were so against online dating.”

  “I’m not against it—not exactly—and you’re not an old lady. I just worry about you dating someone who you don’t know. I mean, you have the boys and—”

  “And now you’re making me feel really guilty.” I glanced at my watch. I didn’t have much time left on my lunch break. “I’m sorry, I thought we could chat about these things.”

  “No, I’m the one that should be sorry and I am. I was just surprised. Look, you have a good head on your shoulders. I’m sure you know what you’re doing. Just make sure that you use caution. As for what a guy expects on a first date? It depends on the guy, I suppose. I know what I expect—not that I’ve had a first date in a while. But honestly, it doesn’t matter what he expects. All that matters is what you want to happen. So you have to figure out what you want, Noella.”

  “I guess you’re right.” I frowned. “I have no idea how to figure that out, though.”

  “Don’t let anyone pressure you. That’s important. If he won’t take things at your pace, then he’s not the right guy for you.”

  “See, that’s exactly the kind of advice I needed.” For a moment I wished I could reach through the screen and hug him. He had put me at ease with just a short conversation.

  “And by the way, you have nothing to feel guilty about. I’m glad you’re getting out there. Just promise me you’ll be careful.”

  “I will. Thanks.” I hung up the phone, then turned my attention back to my work.

  I felt a lot calmer after talking to Wes. It was strange to venture into conversations with him about dating, but I appreciated that he was willing to broach the subject.

  That afternoon as I left work I received another text from Glenn, suggesting that we meet for lunch later in the week. I sent a text back explaining that I had a fairly short lunch, but I hoped we could get together again soon. Then I got swept up in the rush of my day.

  Once home from work, I was looking forward to taking a bath and forgetting about anything but hot water and bubbles. Whe
n Zoe called, I decided to answer it instead.

  “Hi, Zoe.”

  “Hey there. I just wanted to check in with you. Everyone’s so busy right now—Blu with the wedding, Hanna with the baby, Dawn with the bakery—”

  “You with Trent.” I grinned. “How are things going?”

  “It’s amazing in some ways and horrifying in others.” She laughed. “Going from zero commitment to being in love—well, it’s a new experience for me.”

  “I’m sure it is. Trent is a great guy.”

  “Yes, he is. Is Glenn?”

  “I think so.” I shrugged. “He seems nice.”

  “Hanna mentioned that he seemed to be going a little fast for you.”

  “Oh, so nice to know that my love life is up for discussion.” I laughed.

  “She was just a little worried about you. So I thought I’d offer you my expert advice. You know I’m all about passion.”

  “That’s true.” I bit into my lip.

  Zoe exuded sensuality no matter what she wore. She had this confident nature that seemed to drive men wild.

  I didn’t have that—at all. I was more the shadow that faded into the background—the woman with two kids running circles around her. There was nothing in my closet that made me feel sensual, despite Zoe’s best efforts.

  She ran her own fashion consultant business called Zoe’s World. She’d taken me shopping many times to try to build my confidence and create a fresh image for myself. But all I ever saw was the amount on the price tag and the picture in my head of how ridiculous I thought I would look. I just wasn’t into fashion and didn’t much care what I wore as long as it was appropriate for the situation.

  “I just want you to know that there’s a difference between arousal and passion.”

  “There is?”

  “Yes. I had to figure that out for myself. I was with a few men I shouldn’t have been with because I thought my body was telling me we were meant to be together. It was fun, but it didn’t give me that connection that I was looking for. Do you feel that connection with Glenn?”

  “I’m not sure. I mean, the kiss was amazing, but I don’t think I’m interested in more than that.”

  “Then don’t let yourself be swayed. Stay strong, warrior princess.”

  “Okay, I’ll try.” I smiled. “Thanks for the advice, Zoe.”

  “No problem. Any time you want to talk, you know I’m here.”

  “I do.”

  I hung up, then ran my bath. Maybe Zoe was right.

  Was there any actual passion between Glenn and me, or was I just dazzled by the fact that he felt so much desire for me?

  Chapter 12

  The next day the boys and I actually made it through our normal routine without too many issues.

  As I drove to work after dropping them off, I felt pretty confident. After my conversations with Wes and Zoe, I was pretty sure that I had a better handle on what I wanted out of dating. I also knew that I wanted to see Glenn again.

  I decided I would ask Hanna to watch the boys on Friday night so that I could have dinner with him. Maybe then I would find out if we had that connection that Zoe was talking about. If I felt that we did, I was sure that things would flow better between us. I was determined to be more clear in my communication as well.

  My morning flowed well with no interruptions. When lunch rolled around, I decided I would check in with Wes and see if he wanted to have a virtual lunch together. I clicked the button to connect, then there was a knock on the window of my office.

  I looked up, and to my surprise, there was Glenn with a paper bag in his hands.

  “Glenn?” I stood up. “What are you doing here?”

  “Well, you said you had a short lunch. So I thought I’d bring it to you.” He smiled. “I hope you don’t mind and I hope you like subs.”

  “I’m not sure that this is such a good idea. I just started this job and it might seem a little—”

  “Stop worrying so much. You’re going to love this sandwich, and I got you an iced tea to go with it. Diet of course. Don’t all women drink diet?”

  “Not necessarily. Uh, okay. Come in.” I smiled. I had to admit it was a sweet gesture for him to just show up with lunch. “I only have about fifteen minutes.”

  “Fifteen? Wow, that is a short lunch. Well, let’s not waste it with eating.” He tossed the bag down on my desk and pulled me close for a kiss. Even though I’d kissed him on our date, I wasn’t expecting to be thrust into another so suddenly.

  I pulled back from the kiss and cleared my throat. I could feel the eyes of my coworkers on me through the windows that made up most of the walls of my office.

  “I thought you wanted to share lunch?”

  “What’s the problem here, Noella? The other day you were into it. I thought we had a connection.” He looked into my eyes, his own filled with desire.

  “We haven’t really had the chance to form a connection, Glenn. Plus, this is where I work. I don’t think it’s appropriate.”

  “Great.” He rolled his eyes. “I knew it. You’re stuck in the past, aren’t you? Probably still hung up on your ex.”

  “Absolutely not.” I narrowed my eyes. “That’s the problem, Glenn, you don’t know anything about me. It seems like you’re only interested in one thing. I’m interested in a serious relationship, not just a little fun.”

  “I’m interested in a serious relationship too and that includes a lot of fun. But if you have too many hang-ups to let that happen, then we’re obviously not right for one another.” He snatched up the paper bag. “You’re going to have to wake up to the modern world one of these days, Noella. No man out there is going to wait patiently while you decide if you’re ready to get back on the horse. The best way to find out if there’s a spark is to test it out.”

  “A spark isn’t just about physical connection, Glenn, it’s about something much more than that. At least for me it is. You’re right, we’re not right for each other.”

  “Thanks for wasting my time.” He shook his head, then walked out the door.

  Not only was I humiliated by his dismissive tone, but the fact that all my coworkers had witnessed the entire event. It could only create more distance between us. Luckily they were kind enough to pretend they hadn’t seen anything at all. But I knew that they had.

  Embarrassed, I sank down into my chair and took a deep breath. When I closed my eyes, I saw his face again. How had I convinced myself that he might actually be the one? How had my instincts been so far off?

  “Noella?”

  I looked up at the sound of Wes’s voice. The computer monitor was still dark, but apparently the audio had connected. Did that mean that…

  “Wes?” I gulped. “How long have you been listening?”

  “Long enough to know that Glenn is a real jerk. Let me see your face.”

  “No, I’m fine. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for you to hear all that.” I fumbled for the mouse in an attempt to sever the connection. The moment I touched it, however, the monitor woke up and I was able to see Wes looking at me.

  “Don’t hang up, Noella. Let me talk to you for a minute.”

  “This isn’t a good time.” I frowned.

  “Don’t believe a single thing that man said, do you hear me?”

  I sighed and sat back in my chair. It was clear that he wasn’t going to let it go. Even if I cut off the connection he’d call me right back.

  “I said I’m fine. Besides, he wasn’t wrong.”

  “What do you mean he wasn’t wrong?”

  “I’m not ready.” I shook my head. “It was foolish of me to think that I was. I really need to get back to work.”

  “Not just yet. Look at me, Noella.” He leaned closer to the camera.

  Chapter 13

  I forced my eyes to his. I didn’t really want to look at Wes. In fact, I wanted to hang up on him. He’d been right about online dating and I was far too embarrassed to be reasonable. But he was too good a friend for me to hang up on.r />
  “What is it?”

  “Do you have any idea how beautiful you are?” He was looking at me intently.

  “That’s it, I’m done.” I clicked the button to hang up the call, then flopped back in my chair.

  I didn’t need to be told that I was beautiful. I knew that was a lie, especially coming from Wes. He had his choice of young women, and he had no shortage of opportunities to date them. I knew he’d probably be annoyed that I hung up on him, but he was going to have to deal with it. I couldn’t risk blowing up at work, after what had already happened.

  Instead, I turned my focus to all the work I needed to get done for the day.

  When my phone beeped, I ignored it. When it beeped again, I ignored it again.

  At the end of the day, I gathered my things and headed out the door to pick up my sons.

  The visit from Glenn still hung heavy on my heart. I told myself that it was his loss, but I didn’t totally believe it.

  Not even my sons getting along in the backseat could crack through my bad mood. I did my best not to take it out on them, but I heard myself snap a few more times than what was needed.

  After dinner, I finally checked my phone. I expected the texts to be from Hanna or Zoe, but they were from Wes. He’d had my phone number for quite some time—ever since we started working together—but he’d never used it to contact me. He’d either call my office number, or more often, video chat with me. I only knew it was him because I’d stored his name along with his phone number in my phone in case of a work emergency.

  I sat down on the edge of my bed and read over the texts.

  I’m sorry for what happened today. I know you didn’t mean for me to hear it and I should have hung up on my end. I just couldn’t.

  My heart warmed some. I could understand why he thought it was best to stay on the line. Glenn had gone from kind to crazy in the span of just a few seconds. As embarrassing as it was to have Wes witness that, it was also a bit of relief. I knew I would spend most of the night recounting to my friends what had happened, and though I knew I’d have their support, having someone who’d actually witnessed it made a big difference.