Fix You

by Mari Carr

Rob had to admit Laura’s description was way more accurate than his. “She accused me of hovering, said she wanted to be alone. Next thing I know we started yelling some nasty names at each other.”

  Laura gestured for Josie to scoot over to the middle of the couch and sat down. “Finally.”

  The other women nodded, apparently understanding something he was struggling to grasp.

  “Finally what?”

  Laura leaned forward, resting her elbows on her knees. “You two picked a hell of a time to decide you were in love with each other. Starting a relationship is hard enough on its own. Throw in cancer and it’s damn near impossible. Zoey’s emotions are all over the scale, but she fights like the devil to hide the bad stuff. From you. From us. She loves you and I suspect she feels guilty as hell for derailing your career and casting you in the role of caretaker.”

  No. Rob shook his head. That couldn’t be right. “Zoey doesn’t need me to take care of her. She’s so independent. Sometimes it drives me crazy because she won’t let me do more for her. She’s still working as much as she can, tidying the house, cooking most nights. I tell her to sit down and relax, but she won’t. She just keeps moving.”

  Kristen had perched on the edge of the coffee table during the conversation. “Funny. I bet if we asked Zoey, she’d claim you had to do too much for her. You drive her to all her chemo appointments and sit with her. She complained once that she hated the chairs they put in those rooms for family members. Said she wished you had a more comfortable place to sit.”

  Rob’s forehead crinkled. “I don’t mind the chair. For God’s sake, she’s the one sitting there with tubes and needles sticking in her.” He rubbed his head wearily. “I don’t know what to do. She’s sick and I can’t help her. I’m just so fucking tired of feeling helpless, useless.”

  Shelly crossed the room, kneeling beside his chair and taking his hand. “You’re not useless. Zoey loves you. Every Thursday, you’re all she can talk about. How Robbie did this or said that. You’re so good for her. And to her. She’s lucky to have you and she knows it.”

  “But today—”

  “Today, the kettle boiled over,” Laura interrupted, finishing his sentence for him. “She’s human, Rob. She was probably worn out from work, then she got the bloody nose, burned dinner. You walked in and she lost it. Usually she’s pretty good at keeping her emotions in check, but it sounds like tonight you offered her something a little different than the norm.”

  Georgie leaned forward and placed her wineglass on a side table. “You were her punching bag.”

  Laura nodded. “It’s like kids who behave in school, then come home and act like holy terrors with their mothers. You’re home to Zoey. Today she needed to blow off steam and you’re the only person she feels comfortable enough to do that with.”

  Rob felt the tightness constricting his chest begin to loosen. What Laura said made sense. He didn’t mind taking the brunt of Zoey’s anger. Shit, she had a hell of a lot to be pissed off about. “You really think that’s all it is?”

  Kristen nodded. “In fact, if I know Zoey at all, I bet she’s been kicking her own ass ever since you left. Feeling about this big for being so nasty.” Kristen pinched her forefinger and thumb together, leaving no space between the two.

  Rob started to rise. “Fuck. I should probably go check on her.”

  “No.” Shelly put her hand on his arm, holding him down. “Not yet. I think you both need time to cool off. Drink.” She gestured at the wineglass still in his hand.

  He took a sip. Then he took another one. Conversation drifted to other things as the women proceeded to keep his wineglass full. He was surprised by how interesting and funny they were. They included him in all their discussions, never making him feel out of place. After two hours, his shoulders had lost all their previous tension. He was relaxed and less anxious than he’d been in weeks.

  For the first time in a long time, he felt peaceful. Between worrying about Zoey and trying to figure out his future, he’d been running on empty. Zoey wasn’t the only who’d needed to blow off some steam. His emotional state hadn’t been much better than hers. No wonder they’d come at each other like runaway trains on the same track.

  Soon the women began to rise, cleaning up and preparing to leave. Rob carried the empty bottles to the recycling bin as Josie and Shelly washed the wineglasses.

  Laura walked to the door with him. “You’re doing fine, Rob. Honest. Just keep being there for her. Everything will work out. I promise.”

  He nodded, then surprised both of them by leaning forward to give Laura a hug. “Thanks.”

  She patted him on the back before releasing him. “We’re not just Zoey’s friends, you know. You ever need someone to talk to, come find one of us.”

  He smiled, grateful for her offer. This morning he would have thanked her for the invitation, while never dreaming of accepting it. Now, he didn’t know if he’d be able to resist it. They had helped him. More than he could ever say.

  He walked back toward his house feeling more hopeful than he had in a long time. Zoey was almost finished with her chemotherapy. For better or worse, he’d nailed down his career plans. The future was about to begin.

  He climbed the stairs quietly. The house was dark, so he assumed Zoey had gone to bed early. He found her lying on her side of the bed. He undressed slowly, then crawled beneath the sheets.

  Zoey rolled over, the moonlight streaming through the window, lighting her face. His heart ached. She’d been crying.

  “I’m so sorry,” she whispered, fresh tears springing to her eyes.

  “Oh damn, baby. Please don’t cry. It’s okay. It’s all okay.”

  She pressed closer. “No, it’s not. I was horrible to you and you didn’t do a damn thing to deserve it. I don’t know why I yelled at you like that.”

  He placed a soft kiss on her forehead. “It doesn’t matter why. I think it’s safe to say we were both stressed out and we took it out on each other. I’m sorry too.”

  “Don’t,” she said, raising her face to look at him. “Don’t you dare apologize. You didn’t do anything wrong. It was me. All me.”

  He cupped her face. “Zoey. It’s done. Forgotten. I swear. You don’t have to say you’re sorry and we never have to talk about it again.”

  He hoped his words would soothe her, but the tears continued to fall. “I’m just so tired of feeling this way, looking like this. I want to be me again. I want us to be us again.”

  He wrapped his arm around her shoulders, holding her tightly to him. He couldn’t help but wonder which us she was referring to. What did it mean to her? Were they friends with benefits? Lovers? A true couple building a lifetime together?

  Now wasn’t the time to ask. She was emotionally overwrought. Hell, so was he. She had one more month of chemo. He’d hold off on the hard questions until then. Give her time to finish one chapter before he asked her to open another.

  “I know you’re tired. You’ve been such a trooper through all of this. You make it look so easy that sometimes I forget how hard it is for you.”

  “I love you.”

  He smiled. “I love you too.” He kissed her, intending it to be just a peck, a gesture, but her lips lingered, softening beneath his. “I love you so much.”

  She reached for his face, stroking his jaw, rough with a day’s growth of beard. Neither of them sought to advance the play. Instead they simply kissed, touching each other’s faces, their gazes connected.

  For tonight, it was all he needed.

  Chapter Eight

  Zoey stretched her legs out in front of her and sighed. It was a perfect summer day. The sun was shining, but it wasn’t too hot. She had shed her wig as soon as she got home, replacing the itchy thing with a scarf. She’d tugged on some shorts and a tank top, grabbed a bottle of water and a lightweight pool lounger and headed straight for the common grassy area in the center of the townhouses on Losers’ Lane. She was anxious to get a bit of color on her face, tired of lookin
g so pale all the time.

  Her chemotherapy sessions were over. She’d gone to the center for the last time two days earlier. She was free. At least until the doctors told her whether or not the treatments had been effective.

  The idea of getting rid of the port and actually growing her hair back felt too good to be true. However, there was another niggling fear that, tired of being relegated to the background, had pushed its way to the forefront. Now that all of the cancer stuff was over and done with—please God let it be over—Robbie would be free to start touring again.

  The band had gone into the recording studio over a month ago to lay down new tracks of the songs Robbie had written. She’d been his best friend long enough to know that once the songs were recorded, a tour wouldn’t be far behind. The night before last, he’d been on the phone with his manager, Pete, for nearly two hours. While she’d been upstairs and only able to hear his voice, not his words, she feared they’d been setting up concert dates and venues. When he came to bed, she’d rolled over to ask him what was up.

  He’d dodged her question. She hadn’t thought much of it at the time because she’d been so tired from the chemo treatment, but now that she was fully awake and fretting, she could see his answer for what it was. A non-answer. He’d simply said he and Pete were talking about some new songs.

  She’d accepted that response at face value, but known it wasn’t the truth. Was Express Train ready to go on tour now? Robbie’s manager had been in negotiations with other bands for months, working hard to set them up with a killer headlining act like the one they’d landed with The Traffic. If they got one of those gigs, they could leave at any time.

  What would she say if Robbie told her he was leaving? She’d put off thinking about her future for months because things had been so uncertain, so up in the air. Now she was forced to acknowledge that she was in trouble. She loved Robbie and wanted to spend the rest of her life with him.

  But he was a musician. She would never take that life away from him, even though in her heart she would struggle with him being away for months at a time. She wanted to get married, have a family, a normal life. If cancer had driven home one thing, it was that life was short. She’d already wasted too much time holding on to hidden feelings, refusing to—as her father would say—piss or get off the pot.

  Suddenly her reasons for never telling Robbie she loved him crashed down on her. She’d kept her heart’s desire a secret because he couldn’t give up his music and she couldn’t live with his lifestyle. She’d needed him when he came home in January, so she’d grabbed on to him tightly with both hands, not considering the consequences.

  “Well, it’s nice to know your cancer hasn’t affected your intelligence.”

  Zoey glanced over to find Georgie lugging a chair toward her.

  “Why do you say that?” Zoey asked with a grin.

  “You’re smart enough to take advantage of this sunshine. It’s supposed to rain the next four days. We’ve got to work on our tan lines while the gods are smiling down on us. Literally.”

  Georgie set up her chair and plopped down with a long sigh that spoke volumes.

  “Long day at the flower shop?” Zoey asked.

  Georgie’s Garden was one of the most prosperous shops in town. Georgie was well known for her unusual arrangements and beautiful roses.

  “Today was my day off. One of the perks of owning your own business. If you’ve got the right people in place, you can say fuck it on mornings when you don’t want to get out of bed.”

  Zoey leaned her head against her chair and closed her eyes. Even with her sunglasses on, the sun was too bright. “I obviously chose the wrong career path. Paralegals are expected to go to work every day on time. Unless, of course, you have cancer. Then you’re allowed to skip occasionally.”

  Georgie picked up a large-brimmed hat and plopped it on her head. “Nick’s not giving you shit at work, is he? About missing time?”

  Zoey’s boss, Nick Hammel, was one of Georgie’s three ex-fiancés. Sometimes Zoey got a kick out of living in a small town where everyone knew everyone else. At other times, it could get sticky.

  “Oh my God, no. Nick is the absolute bomb as a boss, you know that. I swear to God, I’m buying him the biggest Christmas gift on earth this year. He’s been super cool about everything.”

  “That’s good.” There was a tinge of hostility in Georgie’s voice, but Zoey was used to that anytime the subject of Nick arose. She wasn’t sure what had gone down between them, but of all her friend’s exes, Nick was the one who got under Georgie’s skin the most.

  “Speaking of Nick, how is the second-chances goal going?”

  Georgie raised her hand as if to ward off the question. “Ugh. Don’t even mention that stupid vow. There’s a reason why people don’t go back. Hindsight is supposed to be twenty-twenty, but that perfect vision seems to have missed me. I should have kept looking forward. The past sucked when I was living it and it sucks now.”

  “I assume you weren’t wrong to give back the rings?”

  “Not only was I not wrong, I was utterly and completely brilliant to break things off. At least in Phillip’s case.”

  “Only Phillip? So you’ve really only confirmed about a third of what you set out to accomplish?”

  Georgie narrowed her eyes. “Don’t lecture me, sweetheart. One third was more than enough to prove to me my second chance really doesn’t lie in the past.”

  Zoey wanted to argue, wanted to say she’d always thought Nick was the perfect guy for her friend, but it was clear Georgie was finished with the conversation. Her headstrong friend was in stubborn mode today.

  “So how are things with you and Rob? I was damn glad you two took off the blinders and finally hooked up. Is he as awesome in bed as I fanta—er, imagine he is?”

  Zoey laughed. “You’re having sex fantasies about my boyfriend? Awesome, Georgie. Completely disturbing.”

  Georgie’s face showed no remorse. “I think you’d be hard-pressed to find a single woman on Losers’ Lane who hasn’t done some dirty daydreaming about that man.”

  “That’s it,” Zoey joked. “We’re moving.”

  “You’d have to get by a barricade of wine girls first.”

  Zoey had told her friends about Robbie dubbing them the wine girls. They’d embraced the nickname and made it their own.

  “Things with Robbie are perfect. And complicated.”

  “Sounds like a pretty normal relationship. Just to keep my sex fantasies intact, the perfect part is in bed, right?”

  Zoey nodded. “God, yes. That part may be more than perfect.”

  “Bitch.”

  Zoey laughed.

  “So what’s the complicated part?”

  Zoey leaned forward to brush away a grasshopper that landed on her knee. “All the rest.”

  Georgie narrowed her eyes. “Enough with the vague. Give me details.”

  “He came home in January. I told him I had cancer and we immediately started having sex.”

  “I know there’s never a perk to getting that disease, but damn if you didn’t come close to finding one.”

  Zoey loved Georgie. She was sarcastic, irreverent, prone to saying whatever she wanted and funny as hell.

  “He missed the last three shows on the concert venue. The plan for after the tour was to come home and write new music.”

  Georgie nodded. “Which he’s been doing. He sang me part of a song a couple months ago to get my feedback. It was really good. He’s an incredible songwriter.”

  “He’s amazing. Anyway, the band is back in the studio recording, which means another tour can’t be far behind.” Zoey’s stomach ached as she considered how lonely the townhouse would be when Robbie was gone.

  “I suppose that’s what life will be like if you and Rob keep dating.”

  “Yeah.” Zoey sighed. Georgie had hit the nail on the head in one.

  “So are you going to stick it out?”

  Zoey nodded, then hesitated. “
I want to be with Robbie, but…”

  “But you don’t like being home alone.”

  Zoey shrugged. “I got used to it last year when he was gone for so long, but no, I’m not crazy about it. The thing is, I’ve been in love with him forever and he’s been a musician for about that long too. I’ve known since we were kids his path was an unconventional one. He’ll never be the white picket fence guy.”

  “Ask him to stay.”

  Zoey shook her head. “No. I’d never ask him to give up something that’s so much a part of him.”

  “So instead, you’re the one who’ll sacrifice? Spend months alone?”

  Zoey bit her lower lip. “He’s worth it. A few months with Robbie is better than a lifetime with anyone else.”

  Georgie stuck out her tongue. “Rub it in, why don’t you?”

  “Sorry,” Zoey said with a wicked grin that proved she wasn’t the least bit sorry.

  “So color me confused. You’re in love with the guy, the sex is great and you think you can deal with him leaving to pursue his career. Where’s the complicated part again?”

  “I don’t know where Robbie stands on any of this. Like I said, we just sort of dove in without discussing the consequences or the future.”

  Georgie scowled. “The man’s been home and in your bed for six months and you haven’t talked about the relationship? Not once?”

  Zoey lifted one shoulder in a hesitant, guilty shrug. “We’ve been sort of preoccupied with other stuff.”

  “Don’t blame cancer, Zoey. That shit doesn’t define you. It’s a big part of your life right now, sure. But so is Rob.”

  “I know that. At the beginning, I was so grateful to have him there. It was easy to fall into his arms because that was where I’d always wanted to be. It was natural and right. I was terrified by the diagnosis and falling fast. At the time, it was taking all the strength in my body to keep my head above water. Robbie caught me and held me up.”

  Georgie leaned closer. “I get that. And I’m so freaking glad he was there for you when you needed him the most. But that was January. It’s now June.”