Gilead

by Marilynne Robinson

  “I don’t know just how it happened—I stopped by to lend her a book I had bought in order to lend it to her—as if from 222

  my library—I even dog-eared a few pages—and she invited

  me to come for Thanksgiving dinner. She knew I wasn’t on excellent terms with my family, and she said she couldn’t have

  me spending the holiday by myself. I said I was uncomfortable with strangers, and she promised me it would be all right. Still, I had a couple of drinks before I came and I was later than I had intended. I thought I would walk in on a gathering of some kind, but she was there all by herself, looking terribly unhappy.

  “I apologized as well as I could and offered to go away, but

  she said, ‘You just sit down!’ So we sat there eating, neither one of us saying anything. I told her the dinner was delicious and she said, ‘It probably was once.’ Then she said, ‘Two hours late, liquor on your breath—’ speaking to me as if I were, well,

  what I was, and it came over me that I had no business there, I was no one she could respect, and the grief I felt was amazing to me. I stood up to thank her and excuse myself, and then I left.

  “But when I had walked a few blocks I realized she was following along behind me. She came up beside me and she said,

  ‘I just wanted to tell you not to feel so bad.’

  “And I said, ‘Now I will have to walk you back to your door.’ “And she laughed and said, ‘Of course you will.’

  “So I did. And then the other woman came home, Lorraine, the one who shared her rooms. There was a dinner at their church, but Delia had made some excuse about not feeling well and having to stay home. I should have been long gone by then, but there we were, eating our pumpkin pie. What could have been more compromising?”

  He laughed. “It was all so respectable. But word got to Tennessee somehow and her sister came to visit, with the clear intention

  of scaring me off. I’d come in the evenings with a book

  of poetry and we’d read to each other, while her sister sat there 223

  glaring at me. It was ridiculous. It was wonderful. But when

  the school year ended, her brothers came and took her back to Tennessee. She left a note for me with Lorraine, saying goodbye.

  I knew her father couldn’t be hard to find, since he was a minister, so I went there, to Memphis, and I found his church, a very large African Methodist Episcopal church, and the next morning being Sunday, I went to hear him preach. Knowing Delia would be there, of course. And I hoped to speak to him. I thought it might recommend me to him, if I could manage

  to seem forthright and manly, you know. I got my shoes shined and my hair trimmed.

  “The church was full and I sat near the back, but I was the only white man there, and people noticed me. Delia’s sister was in the choir, so of course she saw me. And I could tell her father suspected who I was, by the way he watched me. He preached about those who come among you in sheep’s clothing but inwardly they are ravening wolves. He also spoke about whited tombs, which inwardly are full of dead men’s bones and all uncleanness. Looking at me the whole time, of course. “But I still made myself speak to him at the door. I said, T only want to assure you that my friendship with your daughter

  has been entirely honorable.’ And he said, ‘If you were an honorable man, you would leave her alone.’

  “I said, ‘Yes, I will do that. I came here to assure you of

  that.’ Which was a lie, of course. I did intend to stop seeing her, but it was an intention I had formed in his church that very morning. I thought that Delia’s standing with her family might be helped if I impressed him as a plausibly decent man, and my only chance of doing that was by going away. And I could see what a very good life she had. I’m not sure what my intentions had been in going there. Certainly I never thought I would leave without saying even one word to her. But I did. I left for St. Louis that same evening. I’m not sure he was im224

  pressed by my gallantry, but I do know it impressed Delia. Then the fall came, and I happened to be walking down her street, as I happened to do every week or so, and there she was. I tipped my hat and she burst into tears. And from thai moment we have considered ourselves man and wife.

  “Word got back to Tennessee and she was more or less disowned, and then she got pregnant and the school dismissed

  her. I was selling shoes at the time—there’s very little money in it, but you don’t get arrested for it, either. So her mother came a few weeks before the baby was due and found us in a state of something like destitution, living in a residential hotel in an unpleasant part of town. It was humiliating. But of course we couldn’t find respectable accommodations, and the hotel clerk where we got a room charged me a good deal extra for turning a blind eye, or words to that effect. He had a

  phrase for the law we were breaking—-‘pernicious cohabitation? ‘lascivious cohabitation’? Lewd. For some reason I always forget that word. You can’t imagine how many ways they make things difficult.

  “Then her father came and her brothers, and the five of us

  had an earnest talk about Delia’s well-being, which began with her father saying, ‘You should be very glad that I am a Christian man.’ He is an imposing figure. And he persuaded me that

  I should tell Delia to go home where she could be cared for. I

  did that, and she went away with them. Ah, the desolation!

  The relief! I was so scared by the thought of that baby. I knew

  in my miserable heart that something would go wrong and I would be to blame for it. I tried to hide my relief from her, but

  she could see it, and she was hurt by it, I knew she was. I told

  her I would come to Memphis as soon as I had saved up the money. It took me weeks, because I had some debts and the fellows

  found me. I expected they would, and that was another reason I was glad to let her go, but of course I couldn’t explain 2 25

  that to her. Finally, I wrote to my father and told him I needed money—he hadn’t heard from me in a year at least—and he sent me three times as much as I asked for. And there was a note telling me that you were getting married.

  “During those weeks there was a revival, a tent meeting,

  down by the river. I used to walk over there every night because there were crowds and noise and there wasn’t much alcohol. One night a man standing just beside me, as close to me as

  you are, went down as if he’d been shot. When he came up again, he threw his arms around me and said, ‘My burdens are gone from me! I have become as a little child!’ I thought, If I’d been standing two feet to the left, that might have been me. I’m joking, of course, more or less. But it’s a fact that if I could have traded places with him, my whole life would be different, in the sense that I might have been able to look Delia’s father in the eye, maybe even my father. That I would no longer be regarded as quite such a threat to the soul of my child. That man was standing there with sawdust in his beard, saying, ‘I was the worst of sinners!’ and he looked as if that might well be true. And there he was weeping with repentance and relief while I stood watching with my hands in my pockets, feeling nothing but anxiety and shame. And a certain amusement, if you will forgive me. But the next day my father’s letter came and I got a decent coat and a bus ticket and I was all right then.

  “When I got to Memphis the baby had just been born the

  day before, and the house was full of aunts and women from the church, coming and going. They let me come in and sit in a corner. I don’t think anyone knew what to do with me till her father came home, so they just went on with their business. If the day had been warmer, I think I’d have been sitting on the stoop. One woman said to me, ‘They’re both just fine. They’re sleeping.’ And she brought me a newspaper, which was kind of her. It eased my embarrassment to have something to look at. 226

  “When her father finally did come home, the room emptied and the house became completely still. I stood up, but be didn�
��t offer to shake hands. The first words he said to me were ‘I understand you are not a veteran.’ Ah. I told him some lie about my heart, and then I regretted it instantly, because I felt I had made myself sound feeble, but I needn’t have worried about that, because I could tell he didn’t believe a word. As I recall, Deuteronomy says cowardice forbids one from going to the army. ‘What man is there that is fearful and faint-hearted? Let him go and return unto his house, lest his brother’s heart melt as his heart.’ So I had scriptural warrant, though I chose not to mention it.

  “He said, ‘I understand you are descended from John Ames,

  of Kansas.’ Of course anyone else would have put that right,

  but I thought there might be some advantage in letting him believe it—he was referring to your grandfather, of course. It was the first slightly positive thing he had ever said to me. He said he knew people whose families came north from Missouri before the war, and apparently they told some remarkable stories about him, about raids and ambushes. I told him I had

  heard stories about the old man while I was growing up, which is true. They were mainly stories about him running off with the laundry, but I didn’t tell him that. I remember my father said once when he was a boy the old man came to our church

  and sat in the back, and when the collection plate came to him he just emptied it into his hat.”

  It’s a fact that my grandfather always did suspect the Presbyterians of hoarding, so that’s not at all unlikely. And he did

  make a world of use of that hat.

  He said, “We had a few minutes of actual conversation, but

  I had to be cautious. I didn’t know enough about the old times to risk telling lies, so I said my family had turned pacifist after the war. And didn’t encourage discussion of it. That’s correct, I believe?”

  227 Absolutely.

  “He knew • my full name because that is what Delia wanted

  to call the baby. I was so relieved when I heard that. Her father said, ‘She’s been waiting for you.’ And I just sat there beside

  her bed all that afternoon, talking a little when she felt like it. Looking at the baby now and then. The women would take

  him away if he cried. They brought in some supper. I thought maybe things were improving, but they were all just being Christian. In the evening her father told me it would be best if

  I went away. He said, ‘This time I make no appeal to your honor.’ I suppose he had the right to say that. They were looking after her and I didn’t see how I could, so my thought was to

  go back to St. Louis and find a decent job and save up some money and try to figure something out. Because she talked to me about bringing the baby home, and she meant St. Louis. “I left what I could of my father’s money with her. And

  three months later she came with her sister and the baby to the old place, Lorraine’s place, where she lived when I met her. I had a new room at the time, very clean and cheap, and also very respectable, which is to say I’d have been out on the street if I’d brought home a colored wife and child. I couldn’t afford the old squalor, if I was to save anything at all. As it is, I’ve never repaid my father. Not a dime.

  “So over all these years we have been back and forth, with

  her going to Memphis when things were too difficult, for the boy’s sake. He is a wonderful boy. I believe he has never really lacked anything. He has uncles and cousins, and his grandfather dotes on him. Delia’s father.

  “My son’s name is Robert Boughton Miles. He is very good to me, very respectful and polite. Not as much at ease with me as your boy is.

  “I managed finally, about two years ago, to get a job that paid a little money. I made a down payment on a house in a 228

  mixed neighborhood, and Robert and Delia came. It isn’t much of a house, but I did some painting and found some rugs and chairs. And we had almost eight months there. But then we got careless and went to the park together, and my boss happened to be there with his family. And the next day he called me into his office and told me he had his good name to consider. I hit him, which was very stupid of me. I hit him twice. He fell against his desk and cracked a rib. I thought I had talked him out of going to the law, I promised to pay his doctor bills and something for his inconvenience, but that evening the police came to speak with us, to mention that law about cohabiting. It was humiliating, but I kept my head. I think it becomes a husband and father to stay out ofjail when possible. I arranged to put my family on the bus to Memphis, rented the house. Gave the dog to a neighbor.

  “And when I had sorted that out as well as I could, I came here, thinking I might find some way to live with my family

  here, I mean my wife and son. I have even thought it might be a pleasure to introduce Robert to my father. I would like him to know that I finally have something I can be proud of. He’s a beautiful child, very bright. And believe me, he’s being brought up in the church. He wants to be a preacher. But now

  I see how feeble my father is, and I don’t want to kill him. I really don’t. I have enough on my shoulders as it is.”

  He said, “You will not tell me this is divine retribution.” “Furthest thing from my mind.”

  “I was pretty sure I could trust you not to do that.” I said, “Thank you.”

  He drew a long breath. He said, “You know my father so well.”

  “But I can’t give you any assurances about this, one way or the other. I’d hate to be wrong. You’ll have to let me reflect on it.”

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  Then he said, “If it were you, and not my father—”

  Now, I could see his point in putting that question, since Boughton and I are in general very much of one mind. But it was not so simple a question as he might have thought, and I paused over it.

  He watched me for a minute, and then he smiled and said,

  “You have made a somewhat—unconventional marriage yourself. You know a little bit about being the object of scandal. Unequally yoked and so on. Of course, Delia is an educated woman.” Those were his very words.

  Now, that was just like him. That meanness. His remark

  was not even entirely to the point. And I never felt there was anything the least bit scandalous about my marriage. In her own way, your mother is a woman of great refinement. If a few people did make remarks, I just forgave them so fast it was as if I never heard them, because it was wrong of them to judge and I knew it and they should have known it.

  But then that look of utter weariness came over h im and he covered his face with his hands. And I could only forgive him. My thought when I hesitated was that since I was so long in the habit of seeing meanness at the root of everything he did,

  I might well have doubted his motives in involving himself with this woman he did not marry, and bringing me this child. I’d have been wrong, I believe, but his question was not how I should react but how I would be liable to react. “With Boughton this could be completely different, since he thought so much better of Jack, or so I had always believed.

  I said, “I would love to know the child. Especially if you explained everything to me the way you just did.” And then I

  said, “He certainly took to that other child.”

  Young Boughton gave me such a look as I have never seen in my life before. He went stark white. Then he smiled and said, ” ‘Children’s children are the crown of old men.’ ” 230

  I said, “You have to forgive me for that. That was such a foolish thing to say. I’m tired. I’m old.”

  “Yes,” he said, and his voice was very controlled. “And I

  have taken far too much of your time. Thank you. I know I can trust your pastoral discretion.”

  I said, “We can’t let the conversation end here,” but I was

  just so weary and downhearted it was all I could do to get up from my chair. He stopped by the door and I went over to him and I put my arms around him. For a moment he actually let his head rest on my shoulder. “I am tired,” he said. I could
just feel the loneliness in him. Here I was supposed to be a second father

  to him. I wanted to say something to him to that effect, but it seemed complicated, and I was too tired to think through its possible implications. It might sound as if I were trying to establish

  some sort of equivalency between his failings and mine, when in fact I would have meant he was a better man than I ever thought he could be. So I said, “You are a good man,” and he gave me a look, purely appraising, and laughed and said, “You can take my word for it, Reverend, there are worse.”

  But then he said, “What about this town? If we came here and got married, could we live here? Would people leave us alone?”

  Well, I didn’t know the answer to that one, either. I thought so.

  He said, “There was a fire at the Negro church.” “That was a little nuisance fire, and it happened many years ago.”

  “And it has been many years since there was a Negro church.”

  Of course there wasn’t much I could say to that. He said, “You have influence here.”

  I said that might be true, but I couldn’t promise to live long enough to make much use of it. I mentioned my heart.

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  He said, “I had no right to weary you with my troubles,” which I took to mean there had been no point in it. I thought our conversation had been good, on balance, and I said that, and he nodded and said goodbye. And then after a minute he said, “No matter, Papa. I believe I’ve lost them, anyway.”

  I just sat there with my head on my desk and went over this in my mind and prayed until your mother came looking for me. She thought I had had some sort of episode and I let her think that. It seemed to me as if I ought to have had one. And there was nothing I could say to her in any case.