Death on Credit
Page 67
“I can’t stand it, Uncle!… I can’t stand it!… I’m old enough, Uncle!… I’ve got to go away!… I’ll go tomorrow!… All right?…”
“Not tomorrow, pal! Not tomorrow! Right away! Sure… right away!” He was getting excited… “Christ, how stubborn can you be! You’re going to wait two weeks! Or a month for that matter! Two weeks to please me! We’ll see… anyway they wouldn’t take you the way you are now!… I can guarantee that in advance… You’d scare the medics!… First you’ve got to build yourself up! That’s the main thing!… They’d throw you out like a leper!… What’s the matter with you?… You think they enlist skeletons?… You’ll have to put on a few kilos!… At least ten, see!… I know what I’m saying!… Ten for starters!… Or else! Adios!… You want to go to war?… Say, you’d blow away!… Who’s sent me this soldier who’s as skinny as a rail?… Come on, we’ll see about it later!… Come along, little matchstick, button up those moans!… Well, anyway… they won’t be bored!… They’ll have a good laugh at the recruiting station when you come in all skin and bones!… And on guard duty!… They’ll split their sides! Hi, Private Crybaby!… Wouldn’t you rather be in the Engineers?… What branch are you going to enlist in anyway?… You don’t know yet?… Well, you’d better make up your mind…”
It was all the same to me…
“I don’t know, Uncle!…”
“You don’t know?… You never know anything!…”
“I like you fine, Uncle!… But I can’t stay!… I just can’t!… You’re mighty good to me!… I don’t deserve it, Uncle! I don’t deserve it!…”
“Why don’t you deserve it?… Speak up, you little dope?”
“I don’t know, Uncle!… I make you unhappy too!… I want to go away!… I want to enlist tomorrow…”
“Oh, all right, then it’s settled!… Shake on it! I agree! OK! But that still doesn’t tell us what regiment you’ve picked… All I can say is you’d better hurry!…” He was making fun of me…
“You wouldn’t want to join the footsloggers?… You don’t favour the Queen of Battles?… No?… Well, I can understand that!… You’d rather not carry anything!… Those thirty-two kilos! That doesn’t appeal to you, does it, daisy boy? You’d rather be carried? Take cover, damn it!… You’re not in the mood?… Under that manure pile over there on the left!… And the parades! One! Two! Three! Four!… And don’t you care for our lovely manoeuvres?… How about it, my bullyboy?… Take advantage of the terrain!… You ought to be good at that!… You’ve seen plenty of terrain!… You know what it’s like!… The leeks!… And all the muck around them!… How about it?… But you preferred the stars!… Ah, so you’re changing your mind?… It didn’t take you very long!… Maybe you’d like to be an astronomer?… Good!… You’ll join the First Telescopes! Moon Regiment!… No? You don’t go for anything I offer?… Say, you’re hard to please! I can see you’d rather be in Infantry after all!… Are you a good hiker?… Boy, will you have blisters!… “Them boots are heavy in my pack. Them boots!…” Or would you rather have boils on your arse?… OK, make it the cavalry!… Extended order, that’s the stuff!… Or how about the mountain boys?…
“There’s a drop to drink up yonder!
There’s a drop to drink!…”
He made a bugle with his mouth: “Taratatata! Tatata!…”
“Oh, don’t do that, Uncle! Don’t!” It reminded me of that character.
“How sensitive you are, you poor lummox!… What would you do in one of those nasty battles?… Wait!… You haven’t really thought it over… Stay where you are! You can spare another five minutes!… Stay with me a little while longer… Maybe two, three weeks!… Until you begin to see what’s what!… Say, why not a month?…”
“No, Uncle… I’d rather go right away…”
“Good Lord, you’re just like your mother!… Once you get a bee in your bonnet… Hell, I’m just about out of ideas… How about the Cuirassiers?… A big fatso like you wouldn’t look bad on a horse… They won’t even be able to see you under your breastplate… You’ll be the regimental ghost… Say, a lance couldn’t even hit you… Good deal!… Say, that’s a marvellous idea!… But even so you’d have to put on weight… there’s not even enough of you for a ghost… You poor lug, you’re at least twenty pounds short… And I’m not exaggerating… it’s still the same twenty pounds… You think that’s a better idea?…”
“Yes, Uncle!…”
“I can see you charging!…” I didn’t see a damn thing!…
“Yes, Uncle!… Yes, I’ll wait…”
“The Hefties! Ferdinand the Hefty!… The nursemaid’s dream! The footslogger’s friend! The terror of the artillery! That’ll give us a little bit of everything in the family!… I can’t see you in the navy… You’re seasick already!… See what I mean?… And your father who was in for five years! What’s he going to say?… He was on the heavy guns!… We’ll have a sampling of everything in the family!… The whole army!… The Fourteenth of July at home, eh?… Taratata! Tatata!…”
Still trying to cheer me up, he took his kepi, it was on the mantelpiece, on the right next to the mirror… I can still see his pompon, a little yellow chick… He slapped it on sideways…
“There you are, Ferdinand! The whole army!…” That was a happy ending.
“Nuts!” he reflected… “All that’s bunk!… You’re not finished changing your mind!… You haven’t got your marching orders yet, son… you haven’t even got a serial number!… You’ve got plenty of time ahead of you, soldier boy!…” He heaved a sigh… “It’s never too late to make an arse of yourself!… Right now you’re upset… That’s understandable… You’ve been crying like a waterfall… You must be pretty thirsty!… No?… You want some brandy?… I’ve got some first-class calvados!… I’ll give you some sugar with it… It doesn’t appeal to you?… How about some plain red wine?… I could warm it up for you… Or some camomile?… Or a spot of anisette?… I guess you’d rather hit the sack! I see how it is!… A little shut-eye for a start!… That’s not a bad idea!… I guess I’m the one that’s been talking rot… What you need is ten good hours of sleep… All right, my dear nephew, get a wiggle on!… We’ve chewed the fat long enough!… Let’s get out the baby’s bed!… Poor kid!… He’s had a rough time! The country doesn’t agree with you! I could have told you that, son… You just stay with me from now on!…”
“I’d like to, Uncle… I’d really like to!… But honest, I can’t!… Later some time!… Later… is that all right?… I wouldn’t do anything decent right now… I couldn’t!… You’ll let me go, won’t you, Uncle?… You’ll ask Papa, won’t you?… I’m sure he won’t mind!…”
“No! Nothing doing…” I was making him sore… “My Lord, are you stubborn!… You’re as obstinate as Clémence!… My goodness, it runs in the family!… You’re wearing yourself out for the hell of it!… The army isn’t what you think, son!… It’s even rougher than a job!… You don’t realize… Especially at your age!… The others are twenty-one, that’s an advantage in itself. You’re not strong enough… You’ll be all worn out…”
“I know, Uncle, but it’s best I should try!…”
“Say, you’re plumb crazy!… Come along now! We’re going to bed! You’re talking a lot of hot air now, we’ll think about it some more tomorrow… In my opinion you’re all in… This idea of yours is like a fever. You’re raving, and I’ve had enough of it… Say, they’ve really cut you down with their pruning hooks… It was high time you came home!… Those farmers have really fixed you!… It’s the pay-off!… And now you’re off your rocker! Well, my boy, I’m going to patch you up… And you’re going to put it away, I’m warning you right now!… Every day starches, butter and meat! And the best quality!… No measly chops!… And chocolate every morning!… And cod-liver oil by the glassful! Don’t worry, I know how it’s done!… No more empty plates and wind dumplings!… That’s right, puppy child!… No mor
e starvation!… And now whoopsy-daisy, to bed with you!… That’s all a lot of rot!… You’re just upset!… That’s my private opinion… You’re all inside out!… At your age it doesn’t take long to get over that!… You just have to stop thinking about it!… Think of something else!… And eat enough for four!… For thirty-six!… In a week you’ll be hunky-dory! Guaranteed by the Bank of France and the Higgledy-Piggledy pharmacy!”
We took the bed out of the closet… The folding contraption that squeaked all over… It had shrunk something awful… When I tried to stretch out, I got tangled up in the bars… I preferred the mattress on the floor… He gave me another off his own bed… I was still shaking like a leaf… He gave me more blankets… My teeth were still chattering… He covered me all up, he buried me under a pile of overcoats… I had all his bearskins on top of me… There was a whole selection in the closet!… I kept on shivering all the same… I looked at the walls of the room… They’d got smaller too!… It was the middle room, the one with the Angelus in it…
“I can’t put on any more! What do you think, you old crocodile?… You wouldn’t want me to smother you?… Imagine!… Suppose I couldn’t find you again… Wouldn’t that be a fine kettle of fish!… My oh my!… Some soldier boy you’d be!… Squashed under a pile of blankets!… I can hear the hue and cry!… Wouldn’t I be sitting pretty!… Think what they’d say in the Passage!… My goodness! The dear child!… The little treasure! And me trying to explain!… Squashed in his own juice, the little devil! Squish! Absolutely! My oh my! What a mess!… Stop it, Emperor, I’ve had enough!…” I spasmed, trying to laugh with him… He went to his room… He called out from far away…
“Listen, I’m leaving my door open!… If you need anything, don’t be afraid to sing out!… It’s no disgrace to be sick… I’ll come right away!… If you get the runs, do you know where the can is?… The little hallway on the left!… Don’t take the stairs by mistake!… The lamp is on the table… You needn’t blow it out… And in case you need to throw up… wouldn’t you like a chamber pot?…”
“Oh, no, Uncle!… I’ll go out there…”
“Good! But if you get up, put on an overcoat! Just reach into the pile, it doesn’t matter which… You’d catch your death out in the hall… There’s no shortage of coats!…”
“No, Uncle.”
Notes
p.7, the Zone: Originally the strip of land between the Paris fortifications and the suburbs, where for military reasons construction was prohibited. In later popular usage, the more depressing suburbs on the periphery of Paris.
p.20, Federates’ Day: “Federates” was the name given to the Paris members of the National Guard at the time of the Commune. Many thousands of them were executed by Mac-Mahon’s troops after the fall of the Commune. Federates’ Day (27th May) is a day devoted to their memory by left-wing parties and organizations.
p.32, Lustucru: An old-time clown. The name was manufactured from the French “L’eûsses-tu cru?” – “Would you have believed it?”
p.37, Raspail method: François-Vincent Raspail (1794–1878) was a chemist and an ardent republican. He wrote books popularizing the principles of medicine and devised a simple, inexpensive method of therapy, intended chiefly for the working class and based principally on camphor and aloes. He was prosecuted (1846) for the illegal practice of medicine.
p.49, Robert Houdin: Theatre founded by the famous magician Robert Houdin (1805–71), specializing in magic and prestidigitation. Georges Méliès (1861–1938), the film pioneer, was for many years its director.
p.49, The Trip to the Moon: Film by Georges Méliès (1902) after Jules Verne’s novel From the Earth to the Moon (1865). Fifteen minutes long, it was an enormous success internationally.
p.59, The last one in ’82: The World Fair was held in Paris in 1878 and 1889, but not 1882.
p.72, the statue of Bordeaux: The east side of the Place de la Concorde is bordered by eight statues symbolizing French cities.
p.85, Lucia di Lammermoor… Moonlight Sonata… Werther… Chalet and Fortunio’s song: Werther (1835) is an opera by Gaetano Donizetti (1797–48), based on a Walter Scott novel. “Moonlight Sonata” is the name traditionally given to Beethoven’s most famous sonata (No. 14 in C-sharp minor). Werther (1892) is an opera by Jules Massenet (1842–1912), based on Goethe’s novel. Le Chalet (1834) is a comic opera by Adolphe Adam (1803–56). “Fortunio” may be a reference to either La Chanson de Fortunio (1861), an operetta by Jacques Offenbach (1819–80) or Fortunio (1907) a lyrical comedy by André Messager (1853–1929).
p.85, Glory and fame to the men of old!: The opening line of Act 4 of the 1859 opera Faust by Charles Gounod(1818–93).
p.91, A poet once told me: The beginning chorus of ‘L’Étoile d’amour’, a song by C. Fallot and P. Delmet.
p.110, wigs à la Mayol: Félix Mayol (1872–1941) was a popular cabaret singer, famous in part for the large tuft of hair over his forehead. This feature was imitated in the wigs bearing his name.
p.132, Camille Desmoulins: Camille Desmoulins (1760–1794) was a leader in the French Revolution, executed with Danton on 5th April 1794.
p.134, ‘Maxixe’: The tune for a popular dance of Spanish origin, which was introduced to France from Brazil around 1904 and was all the rage for a few years.
p.241, the Ambigu… Wallace fountain: The Ambigu-Comique was a large theatre specializing in dramatic and melodramatic pieces. The Wallace fountain was named after Sir Richard Wallace (1818–1890), an English philanthropist who in 1872 donated one hundred drinking fountains to the city of Paris.
p.243, Morin and pretty-boy Faber, who was the favourite: Ludovic Morin was a famous French track cyclist who enjoyed great success in the 1890s. François Faber from Luxembourg was the first foreign cyclist to win the Tour de France in 1909.
p.268, Paulhan… Sam Langford, all thighs: Louis Paulhan (1883–1963) was an early aviator, already famous in 1910. Henri Rougier (1876–1956) was the holder of the eleventh aeroplane pilot’s licence. Lucien Petit-Breton (1882–1917) was a famous cyclist, who won the Tour de France in 1907 and 1908. Henri Farman (1874–1958) and his brother Maurice (1877–1964) were aviators and aeroplane builders, also engaged in tandem, motorcycle and automobile racing and winning numerous prizes. Henri won the Grand Prix de l’Aviation and in 1908 completed his first flight with passengers. He founded one of the earliest passenger lines in 1919. Maurice was French cycling champion in 1895. Alberto Santos-Dumont (1873–1932) was a Brazilian aviator who constructed several types of aircraft and in 1906 set the first world record in aviation, a flight of 220 metres, covered in twenty-one seconds. The Count Charles de Lambert (1865–1944) was also an aviator, who created an enormous sensation by flying over the Eiffel Tower in 1909. The aviator Hubert Latham (1883–1912) established several altitude records and made two unsuccessful attempts to fly across the English channel. Reginald MacNamara (1888–1971) was an Australian cyclist who won nineteen six-day races between 1912 and 1937. Sam Langford (1880–1956) was a famous American boxer who fought in Paris on three occasions between 1911 and 1914.
p.273, Surcouf and Barbizet: Édouard Surcouf (1862–1938) was a famous aeronautical engineer who published various studies and set up a construction firm specializing in dirigibles. The reference to Barbizet is obscure and has not been traced.
p.276, the great Flammarion: Camille Flammarion (1842–1925) was an astronomer and author of popular works on astronomy.
p.281, Bertillon: Alphonse Bertillon (1853–1914) devised a system for identifying criminals by anthropometric measurements and fingerprints.
p.288, Equine Race: The Society for the Improvement of the Equine Race was one of several organizations that supervised French racetracks.
p.293, old Vic: Victor Hugo (1802–85).
p.296, Montgolfier: The Montgolfier brothers, Joseph-Michel (1740–1810) and Jacques-Étienne (1745–99),
born into a family of paper manufacturers, were pioneers in lighter-than-air aircraft.
p.300, pea soup: Absinthe.
p.305, de Lesseps: Ferdinand de Lesseps (1805–94) was a French entrepreneur and diplomat, who undertook the construction of the Suez and Panama Canals.
p.308, Max Linder: Max Linder (1883–1925) was a pioneering French director, actor and screenwriter of the silent-film era.
p.329, Vidocq: François-Eugène Vidocq (1775–1857) was an adventurer, convict, spy and detective, who became chief of the Paris Security Police. He inspired many fictional characters of the time, most notably serving as a model for Balzac’s recurring character Vautrin.
p.337, Péan: Jules-Émile Péan (1830–1898) was an eminent French surgeon.
p.349, ergastula: Slaves’ quarters on Roman country estates (but this may not be the intended meaning here).
p.354, wash barge: The bateaux lavoirs were floating laundries, formerly common in France.
p.367, the Farfadet disaster: A reference to a French submarine which sank off the coast of Tunisia on 5th July 1905, killing all fourteen of its crew members.
p.379, the Bonnot gang: A group of anarchists led by Joseph Bonnot (1876–1912), who specialized in bank robberies for the benefit of the cause. Bonnot and three others were killed at the time of their arrest in 1912.
p.382, Marignano: A famous 1515 French military victory in Italy.
p.383, The Thinker: The famous bronze statue by Auguste Rodin (1840–1917).
p.385, Vergniaud: Pierre-Victurnien Vergniaud (1753–93) was a Girondist deputy who voted for the death of Louis XVI. Arrested with other leaders of the Gironde party, he was executed in 1793. The basis of Courtial’s reflections is obscure.
p.430, Raft of the Medusa: A reference to Théodore Géricault’s (1771–1824) famous 1819 painting.