A Farewell to Legs

by JEFFREY COHEN

“Aaron Tucker has Groucho’s wit, Harpo’s sweetness, and Chico’s talent for well-meaning screw-ups. A Farewell to Legs is shot through with wit that snaps and sparkles (but never wounds), not only in the dialogue where you expect it, but in the narrative, keeping the pace crackling and lively. I laughed aloud repeatedly. I mentally noted lines to steal and drop into my conversation, hoping to pass them off as my own (I should be so lucky). Read this book now while you still can. It’s so much fun, it will surely be illegal soon.”

  —P. CASEY MORGAN, DEVELOPMENT DIRECTOR, KWSG, NPR AFFILIATE, TULSA, OK

  “A Farewell to Legs is a marvelous ride from a New Jersey high school reunion to the solution of a politician’s demise in Washington DC. Cohen writes a funny and touching novel that will keep you guessing to the end. His portrayal of the ‘normal American family’ is one of the best I’ve ever read in a mystery novel. Give yourself a double treat. . . read For Whom the Minivan Rolls (his first book) and A Farewell to Legs!”

  —BONNIE CLAESON, CO-OWNER, BLACK ORCHID BOOKSTORE, NEW YORK, NY

  “Jeffrey Cohen is a funny man, and behind the wisecracks there’s a clever and engaging mystery. The pun also rises.”

  —DANIEL STASHOWER, AUTHOR, HARRY HOUDINI MYSTERY SERIES

  “When I reviewed For Whom the Minivan Rolls on DL, I asked if there really are true-life dads like the fictional Aaron Tucker. Now, can you believe a dad who lets his family get a dog?! A Farewell to Legs is an excellent next book in the Aaron Tucker series. The title pun was almost more than I could handle without choking. The mysteries (there are several) range from the outrageous to the more outrageous. I found the solution to the stink bomb problem especially amusing. And Aaron’s declaration to Abby on the subject of Ms. Cleavage should be included in the repertoire of all happily married people, or those who desire to be happily married. Read this. You’ll like it.”

  —DOROTHYL MODERATOR DIANE K. KOVACS, AKA HARRIET VANE

  “Reluctant sleuth and writer Aaron Tucker is back and still trying not to get involved in murder investigations. This time, he goes to his high school reunion, only to find the best looking woman from his class determined to get what she wants from him. As Aaron is hopelessly in love with his wife, he is not at all disappointed that Stephanie Jacobs Gibson wants him to find out who murdered her husband. Stephanie pulls some strings to get Aaron hired by Snapdragon magazine to do some investigative reporting on the case. . . All is told with a lot of humor, and. . . enough zingers and funny lines for my taste. I’m looking forward to the next in the series.”

  —DEADLY PLEASURES MAGAZINE (MAGGIE MASON)

  “In A Farewell to Legs, Cohen hasn’t lost his magic touch for snappy, believable dialogue, and for perfectly capturing all the nuances of family life in suburbia. Aaron Tucker and his family could be your neighbors, if you’re lucky enough to have particularly delightful neighbors. Once again, there are laughs on almost every page, but the humor is never forced and the characters are never over the top. (A certain best-selling author of humorous mysteries could take lessons from Jeffrey Cohen.) Best of all, the humor doesn’t overshadow the mystery—Cohen doesn’t sacrifice plot or suspense while making us laugh. Those who read For Whom the Minivan Rolls won’t need any encouragement to pick up A Farewell to Legs. Those who missed Cohen’s inaugural effort are in for a real treat when they meet Aaron Tucker, his friends, and his family in this latest entry in the series. And after reading A Farewell to Legs, everyone will be eager for Aaron’s next adventure!”

  —REVIEWING THE EVIDENCE (SUSAN ANDERSON)

  “The best thing about Cohen’s books is Aaron Tucker himself. A non-stop wisecracker who refuses to take anything seriously, Aaron is the type of everyman whom readers can relate to and commiserate with. He’s our best friend, our neighbor, or even our husband. Unlike many of the tough-talking, hardheaded detectives that perpetuate fiction today, Aaron is someone we could easily know or be. It’s also refreshing to have our hero be a stay-at- home dad whose wife makes more money than he does and who doesn’t seem to think that cleaning up after dinner is beneath him. The lightheartedness of the book is also a joy. While many mystery books often leave us frightened of the way the world is today, Cohen’s books leave us with a smile and a feeling of gratefulness for what we have. Not only is there a chuckle on every page, but there’s a smile or a tongue-in-cheek observation in every paragraph. Cohen has definitely created a goldmine with his Aaron Tucker mysteries. With each book, he’ll gain more loyal readers like this one. We can only hope that his hero stays around for a long time and that his creator graces us with many more books to come.”

  —BEST REVIEWS (ANGELA MCQUAY)

  “I enjoyed A Farewell to Legs more than I expected to. . . The best parts of this book, which was a very pleasant surprise, and the best parts of its predecessor in the series, are the pieces dealing with Aaron Tucker’s home life—dealing with his kids on a daily basis, and what middle-class life is really like these days. The shlub-married-to-a-goddess wears thin after a while, but Abby calls him on it in this book, and does a good job of it. There is less detail in Legs about life with a child who has Asperger’s Syndrome than there was in Minivan, but still enough so that the reader knows that Ethan is even more of a challenge than a ‘normal’ early adolescent male child might be. And, on his daughter, who’s so close to a neighbor’s child, Cohen has this kind of relationship down pat, and writes the hell out of it. Minivan is good. Legs is better.”

  —REVIEWING THE EVIDENCE (P.J. COLDREN)

  “Aaron Tucker is an immensely likable guy, loving husband, devoted father, and not a super detective, but hey, he gets the job done. Jeff Cohen’s portrayal of Aaron’s son, a pre-teen with Asperger’s Syndrome, is at times hilarious, at others poignant, and in every case accurate. Having some experience with this in my own family, I really appreciate the way Jeff is able to enlighten the public about this subject by weaving it into his story. He knows whereof he speaks. I hope Aaron will have many more adventures. Keep it coming, Jeff. We need the laughs.”

  —SHIRLEY WETZEL, MYSTERY MAGAZINE ONLINE, RICE UNIVERSITY LIBRARIAN, AND AVID MYSTERY READER

  “It’s not often that I gloat, but I recently got an ARC of A Farewell to Legs, and read it before most everyone. It’s another very entertaining read from Jeff Cohen. This man is definitely not suffering from a sophomore slump. Jeff writes in one of my favorite sub-genres, the realistic suburban mystery, with a stay-at-home dad and a family as well as a mystery to solve. Legs deals with a sleazy right-wing politician who is murdered in his mistress’ bed. The wife went to HS with Aaron Tucker and asks him to investigate as part of a freelance magazine assignment that she arranges. Add to the mix threatening notes, a stink bomb crisis at the school, and a new dog in the house, and you have a great mystery and a great time figuring out whodunit. A Farewell to Legs is another witty winner from Jeff Cohen—a wry, yet dead-on, look at suburban life combined with a mystery full of unexpected twists. Definitely pick up a copy of your own when it comes out in November.”

  —JEFFREY MARKS, AUTHOR OF THE US GRANT MYSTERIES, AND NON-FICTION BOOKS ABOUT MYSTERY WRITERS

  “Cohen’s wit sparkles from every page, some lines provoking mere smiles while others are laugh-out-loud funny. Wonderful humor, terrific writing, and an intriguing mystery—what more can a discerning reader ask for? Highly recommended.”

  —GLORIA FEIT, 4MYSTERYADDICTS

  “Where but in an Aaron Tucker mystery would you find a dangerous pet lizard, several potent stink bombs, a guy with a kitchen knife sticking out of his chest, and a primer on how to register your screenplay with the Library of Congress? Jeff Cohen’s quirky voice happily returns for a second go-round in A Farewell to Legs, with Aaron once again assuming the role of free-lance writer/reluctant sleuth. (By the way, there’s no truth to the rumor that Abby, Aaron’s beloved wife, is really the murderer.)”

  —KEN WALZ, TELEVISION PRODUCER

  “Jeffrey Cohen is the Jerry Seinfeld of mystery writ
ing. Warm, witty and often wise, A Farewell to Legs is great entertainment.”

  —MARGARET “MEG” CHITTENDEN, AUTHOR,

  DEAD MEN DON’T DANCE, DYING TO SEE YOU, HOW TO WRITE YOUR NOVEL, AND A WHOLE SLEW OF OTHER BOOKS

  “The last time I reviewed a book by Jeff Cohen, I got carried away with hyperbole—or so I’ve been told. This time around, I’m going to be circumspect. I’m simply going to say: A Farewell to Legs is a delightful mystery romp set among the flora and fauna of suburban New Jersey. My new motto is: calm, cool and collected. Even when I’m crazy about a book! This second novel in Cohen’s comically-inspired series expands on the zaniness of the first (For Whom the Minivan Rolls) where Aaron Tucker, stay-at-home dad and freelance writer extraordinaire, managed to solve the Madlyn Beckwirth murder. In Legs, the oddities of life among the not-so-rich and not-so-famous are again wittily exposed, and the lucky reader is led on another merry chase.

  “Using humor as his weapon, Jeff Cohen slices and dices through the pomposities of modern “burb” life. He’s quick to point out lunacy, often in laugh-out-loud dialogue, where he finds it. And boy, does he find it! The author is obviously having a great time guiding us through the wacky world of suburbia. Jeff Cohen has done what more seasoned writers have always attempted to do. He has created not only a terrific set of characters, but a specific world for them to live in; a world fully formed, fully fashioned and very appealing. Here, the strength of Tucker’s enviable home life, the hub of all his activities, shines brightly through the murder and mayhem. (His continuing romance with wife Abby is particularly delightful.)

  “Without preaching or moralizing, Jeff Cohen draws an engaging picture of a centered man, bemused by life. No sap. No clichés. No icky sentiment. Even when he is sent unwillingly on an errand to pick up a little dog from a shelter—a situation where it is almost impossible to avoid sentiment—Tucker’s observations never lose their saltiness. Certainly, he is no fool—he knows that real dangers exist—yet his comfortably warped view of the world always helps carry the day. Reading this second book in what I hope will be a long-lived series was like revisiting a good friend. There is strength, comfort and hilarity (not a bad combination!) in Jeffrey Cohen’s creation. And therein lies the main attraction of the series. Do yourselves a huge favor and get your hands on the Aaron Tucker books. And buy extras for your friends! Trust me, you will endear yourselves to them. Not to mention, Jeffrey Cohen.”

  —MYSTERY INK, YVETTE BANEK

  “I just finished Jeffrey Cohen’s delightful A Farewell to Legs and I still have a big grin on my face. What a super book! Once again, Cohen’s wit, pacing, and engaging style have combined to create a winning mystery. Truly, this was the funniest—and most fun—book I’ve read since, well, since his last one! As in his previous book, For Whom the Minivan Rolls, Cohen takes the reader along with the witty and humble freelancer/at-home dad/sleuth Aaron Tucker, as Aaron dons his journalist hat and solves yet another ‘unsolvable’ mystery. The plot has just enough twists and turns to keep the reader guessing, with a surprising and satisfying conclusion. Of course, there are plenty of smiles, chuckles, and guffaws along the way. At the heart of the book is the relationship between Aaron and his wife Abby, a realistic and all-too-rare portrayal of a happy marriage. Throw in two interesting kids and an accident-prone dog, and what comes out is a family that the reader wants to spend time with and get to know even better. If I could buy stock in a person, I’d pick up a few hundred shares of Jeffrey Cohen. I predict nothing but great things for this series and for this author!”

  —MINDY STARNS CLARK, AUTHOR OF THE MILLION DOLLAR MYSTERIES SERIES,

  INCLUDING A PENNY FOR YOUR THOUGHTS, DON’T TAKE ANY WOODEN NICKELS, AND A DIME A DOZEN

  “A very enjoyable. fast-paced romp, with mystery and humor in equal measure, A Farewell to Legs is up to the high standard set by Minivan.”

  —THEODORE FEIT, AUTHOR AND EDITOR

  “A very enjoyable, interesting, and entertaining mystery. The plot is complex enough to keep you guessing. The family situations presented in Aaron’s day-to-day life are so identifiable. The humor injected by the author makes this book different from a lot of mysteries. Most folks will love it.”

  —BARBARA WRIGHT, MURDER AND MAYHEM BOOKCLUB

  “If you’re wondering what sort of protagonist Aaron Tucker is, think William Powell in The Thin Man, but with a modern-day twist: soccer dad, married to a career woman, with children. Aaron Tucker is not your ordinary soccer dad. He’s out there solving murders while juggling kids in school, marriage, and job. This book was filled with plenty of humor. I’m definitely looking forward to his next outing.”

  —ROBIN BURCELL, AUTHOR, DEADLY LEGACY

  “Prepare to chuckle! Jeffrey Cohen’s second Aaron Tucker mystery is packed with humor, realism, and exciting twists. A FAREWELL TO LEGS, a riotously funny cozy, may be my introduction to Aaron Tucker, but I feel as if I have known him for half of my life. I’d never heard of Jeffrey Cohen before, but I felt right at home with this book and now I am anxious to catch up with his adventures in FOR WHOM THE MINIVAN ROLLS. Using wit, Jeffrey manages to portray Aaron and his wife, Abby, as any couple should be. Sarcasm may fill their dialogue at times, but their love for one another is undeniable. I only wish Jeffrey Cohen could write faster, as I don’t think I could ever tire of his characters.”

  —ROUNDTABLE REVIEWS (TRACY FARNSWORTH)

  “Take equal parts Mel Brooks, Groucho Marx, and Woody Allen. Sweeten with enlightened sexual politics. Mix well with the completely original mind of Jeffrey Cohen. And laugh yourself silly over A Farewell to Legs. Aaron Tucker is a delightful, twenty-first century twist on the usual amateur gumshoe, and the lunatic doings of his friends and foes make for sheer reading pleasure.”

  —ELLEN PALL, AUTHOR, CORPSE DE BALLET AND SLIGHTLY ABRIDGED

  ABOUT THE AUTHOR

  Jeffrey Cohen has been a full-time freelance writer/reporter for 16 years, and has written more than 20 feature-length screenplays. His work has been published in The New York Times, TV Guide, and Entertainment Weekly, among many others, and his screenplays have been optioned by Jim Henson Productions, CBS, and Gross-Weston Productions, among others. His Aaron Tucker series has been optioned for film and television by Michael Sullivan Productions.

  A graduate of Rutgers, he lives in New Jersey, with his wife and two children.

  A Farewell to Legs is his second novel, a follow-up to Aaron Tucker’s debut in For Whom The Minivan Rolls.

  Table of Contents

  Part 1: The Lizard

  Chapter

  Chapter

  Chapter

  Chapter

  Chapter

  Chapter

  Chapter

  Chapter

  Chapter

  Chapter

  Chapter

  Chapter

  Chapter

  Chapter

  Chapter

  Chapter

  Chapter

  Chapter

  Chapter

  Chapter

  Chapter

  Chapter

  Chapter

  Chapter

  Chapter

  Chapter

  Part 2: The Dog

  Chapter

  Chapter

  Chapter

  Chapter

  Chapter

  Chapter

  Chapter

  Chapter

  Chapter

  Chapter

  Chapter

  Chapter

  Chapter

  Chapter

  Chapter

  Chapter

  Chapter

  Chapter

  Chapter

  Chapter

  Chapter

  Chapter

  Chapter

  Chapter

  Chapter

  Chapter

 

 

&nbs
p;